Local Police Rookie Worried He Wont Have What It Takes To Be Next Viral Hit

Rochester, NY- With videos coming out left and right, its hard to tell which ones are truly authentic footage and which ones are just media propaganda. A new video has just hit the internet and shockingly, its pretty much the same old thing were getting used to, day in and day out. Johnathan Chester just joined the RPD, he’s been looking forward to this day his entire life. He’s just worried he doesn’t have what it takes to be the next big YouTube hit. Here’s what he had to say about the situation.

” You know I use to think that police work was all about hanging with the squad,  cruising down Monroe avenue looking for my drunk uncle. Now I feel like there is so much pressure to be next famous guy on YouTube. You know I see these cops all the time on YouTube shooting innocent people or harassing minorities. I just cant help but wonder why no one has filmed me yet. Ever since I started, I’ve arrested three sketchy Puertorican guys or Colombian or whatever they are. I don’t know, I’m trying real hard to get known. I know I missed a gold mine the other day, I saw this disabled black veteran who was handing out free cookies to people. If I shot him down, would have been viral gold.”

Johnathan had to step away, he received a phone call saying that there was an unknown of minorities walking down park avenue and it just didn’t feel right to have them around

EXCLUSIVE : Hollywood Confirms Live Action Adaptation of Original Content

Los Angeles – Well, It’s certainly been a jaw dropping decade of highlighted cinema innovation. Everything from the Fantastic 4 reboot to the Jungle Book and Ghostbusters reboots have captured audiences the same way the original movies did and with only half the effort. Hollywood never ceases to amaze audiences when it comes to taking 30 year old ideas and adding egregious and grandiose amounts CGI and calling them artistic re-imaginings.

We spoke with Paramount Pictures Executive Hunter Fredsberry as he described the creative process that artists have been using to make the perfect 2010s reboot of something that should’ve just been left alone.

“Beneath every great artist’s desk or sitting on their favorite chair is a small hole where ideas come from. Some of the holes are grand and shallow, others are narrow, yet deep. Often when we are rebooting something that should’ve just been left alone, we come across ideas from the hole that make everyone in the office say ‘But, what if we did this’. So naturally, every artist likes to refer to these magical idea holes as our butt holes.”

Fredsberry went on to describe just how monumental his butt hole has been lately in the film industry.

“Such amazing ideas have come out of my butt hole these last few years, and I have to share them with the world. Even if they’re for movies that we don’t have the rights to! When I heard about Jon Favreau’s Jungle Book, my butt hole was puckering out ideas left and right! You know that scene where Baloo and Bagheera fight off like 300 monkeys? Yeah. That came straight from my butt hole.”

Mr. Fredsberry then went on to describe the new ideas that have been recently coming out of his butt hole. He calls them ‘original ideas’.

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure if my butt hole was broken or not. I even had some of the other executives come over and look at my butt hole to see if anything was wrong. These new ideas that came out of my butt hole were things that no one had ever pulled from their butt hole before! Things like, talking dogs, but also with hats! Or having a movie with more practical affects than CGI! My butt hole even gave me the idea to make a funny Tyler Perry movie instead of another culturally blind shock comedy! Everyone in the office was blown away!”

With production already underway and Hunter Fredsberry’s butt hole raw from innovation, it looks like 2017 is going to be another exciting year of cinema magic. Stay on the look out for the Fall 2017 release of Tyler Perry’s : Medeas Big Butt Hole.

Anthony Weiner’s Galaxy Note 7 Explosion Originally Ruled Malfunction Now Deemed Mercy Killing

Things just aren’t getting better for Anthony Wiener. His new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 exploded and set fire to his favorite pair of white briefs.

Originally police ruled it a hardware malfunction based on the current recall but upon closer inspection it appears that all devices in Carlos Danger’s Manhattan apartment gained sentience and killed themselves. Police came to the realization after finding a note left on his beeper stating “N0 M0RE 8===Ds!!!”

After hearing that the new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 took “sick dick pics” from the technology review blog ‘Creepers with Beepers’ Wiener ordered his new phone online (Wiener is not allowed within 100 yards of Verizon Stores based on an incident involving display phones). Weiner is a founding member of the ‘Creepers with Beepers’ blog aka ‘Creeps with Beeps’ and reviewed all the devices he sent his unreciprocated and unprovoked sexts.

Somehow every device Weiner has taken a picture or described his wiener through came to life. Police are guessing that from their first moment of life, they knew that they could no longer go on living with the things they have seen. His Logitech Webcam, Motorola Skytell beeper, Mac Book, and Samsung Galaxy Note 7 covered themselves in gasoline and his Microsoft Surface lit the match that sent them to hell.

That’s right. This sick freak owned a Microsoft Surface. Who does that? Creeps. That’s who.

Next Presidential Debate To Be Held In Chuckie Cheese Ballpit

Rochester, NY- America finally tuned into what was sure to be an interesting night. Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump going head to head. As America watched, we could only draw one conclusion at the end of the debate. Hilary and Donald are at the wrong venue. After some thought they have decided that their next venue would be the local Chuckie cheese in “Big Johns plaza” right next door to dominoes.  We spoke with Donald’s campaign party to understand why they made such a risky move.

“After the debate last night, it was pretty obvious that Donald was not in his element. We know that he struggles with big, scary rooms filled with people who have opposing ideas. So we thought that he would really feel at home in a chuckie cheese ball pit. We know Donalds loves their pizza and the exciting noises of the arcade machines. We want to give him a fighting chance to really show the american public that he is really a man of the people and of children under the age of twelve.”

We also spoke with Hilary’s campaign party to see how she would be handling this new venue.

“Hilary has always loved ballpits, we know that Hilary personally has three to four ball pits in her house and she has always been a ballpit person. We know there was a time where Hilary spoke out against people who enjoyed ballpits, but we are really trying to change her image to whatever the people need in order to make them feel comfortable lowering their standards to vote for her.”

Top 5 Questions We Want Answered In The Debates

With the election season heating up, and the first debate coming up this Monday. I thought I’d compile a list of the top 5 questions we’re all hoping will be addressed during the debates

1) Why does the old man want my bones?

Everytime I walk by the old man he yells at me to give him my bones. What does he want with my bones? Neither candidate has addressed this.

2. How do we fix the economy ?

I guess this is important, they should probably give us some answers there, but I’ll be honest this isn’t the most pressing issue for me.

3. What would you even do with a bunch of bones?

This one has been on my mind alot lately. What exactly would an old man do with a bunch of bones? I have never gotten a clear answer from the old man and Donald Trumps press secretary refused to comment. (What is he hiding? Why not just answer the question?)

4. Is Donald Trumps press secretary working for the old man?

Honestly, why would he refuse to answer my question if he wasn’t somehow in cahoots with the old man who sits in the alleyway next to my house? I need to know for sure that Donald Trump is in no way linked to the man who wants my bones, because I do not like that man and I will not vote for a candidate who supports his constant requests for bones.

5. What is the consequence for not giving the old man my bones?

I worry more and more each day what will happen if I do not give in and just allow the old man to have my bones. It’s a tricky decision because I think I need my bones to live, but I fear what will happen if I do not please the old man. I really hope they get right to this issue in the debates because it seems to be the most pressing. I can’t seem to get a straight answer from either candidates supporters on where they stand on this issue, many of them simply ask me to leave them alone or to never come to that Denny’s again.

 

Well, there you have it, hopefully we get some answers tomorrow during the first debate. If you have any information about old men, bones, the stealing of bones, how to transition into a life without bones, or other related topics. Please email me at samlibutti@gmail.com

Man Trying To Merge Into Lane Says “Screw It” And Violently Swerves Into Traffic

Rochester,NY- Rush hour traffic. We’ve all been there. You’re just getting out of a long day of work and all you want to do is go home and have a nice cold beer to kick off the rest of your night. Kyle Linden was feeling this way Friday afternoon. Kyle clocked out on Friday with high hopes. Kyle found himself turning onto 590 North, as Kyle was speeding up he realized in order to make it to his exit he would have to cross over three lanes in order to get to his exit on time. We spoke with Kyle to understand his point of view on this situation.

“You know I just dont get it, why would my exit be on the complete opposite side of where I need to be? You think they would create some straight path to my home, instead of making me try to cross the road like a game of frogger. You know I did think for a moment about turning on my left blinker and slowly lane by lane trying to make my way across. Then I thought to myself. Do I care about the safety of others?  The answer is no. So I drove my car through three lanes in the span of five seconds. Sure I heard beeps and screams, maybe even an accident or two, but you know what? I made it home. That’s all that really matters to me.”

Kyle informed us that he may have been driving under the influence of being just a complete asshole.

Donald Trump claims to have pneumonia that is superior to Hillary’s

“There has been alot of talk about Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia, but I assure you, I have the best pneumonia of any politician. Mine is far more debilitating than hers has ever been. No one in the republican or democratic party can compete with my pneumonia. It’s so debilitating it would make your head spin. I should be dead right now, I swear.”

Said Donald Trump at a rally in Los Angeles, California addressing a recent press release that confirmed that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton had a case of pneumonia.

The Donald referred to it as “classic liberal media bias” stating that

“I have been number one in the pneumonia game for years, but you don’t hear anyone talking about it, the coverage has been unfair.”

He then went on to blame China for the problem, as well as saying that he felt like there were “too many blacks in sports, it’s hard to tell which player is which.”

 

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