ROCHESTER, NY – Worried that her son’s grades were not quite good enough to get into one of the most prestigious colleges in Rochester, Elizabeth Katherine went to a criminal extreme by flooding the admissions office of RIT with what authorities say was at least $2,000 worth of Kohl’s cash.

“You can buy a whole lot of discount khakis and bedsheets with that kind of scratch” stated FBI director Colin Dibble. “This woman needs to understand there’s not enough half price Yankee candles in the world to convince a prestigious school to look the other way for her son.”

Katherine faces up to 2 years in prison but will likely plead the charge down to probation and relinquishing her role on the Board of Directors of the Entitledwood Bitchcreek Homeowners Association.

Rochester, NY-  Floats, bagpipes, and Irish dancers. Those are some of the things to look forward to this Saturday during the St. Patricks day parade. But sources tell The Inner Loop Blog that the Rochester Police Department is investigating if the so-called overly tanned “Irish dancers” we see each year could just be very grown “Oompa Loompas” who have infiltrated our society and are posing as “Irish Dancers”.

Here is some of the hard evidence the RPD is using to make their case:

1. They have overtly orange skin
2. They’re hair is generally bright green
3. They dance and sing on command
4. We don’t understand why they look like that

Rochester,NY-  The time is upon us for the annual St. Patricks Day Parade, the time of the year almost everyone looks forward to not remembering. We spoke with a local man about how he’s been anticipating this eventful day. This is what he had to share with us.

“Yeah, I’ll be honest with you, this is pretty much the only thing I look forward to ever year. I’ve basically been training for this my whole life, I would say since I was sixteen years old, I just remember thinking while I was chugging a bottle of Jameson that this skill would come in handy one day. Now it’s finally going to pay off, all those years of blacking out, being arrested and being called an “alcoholic”. I get to prove them all wrong.

ROCHESTER, NY – There have been many great breweries popping up all around Rochester to the point brewers are going outside of the metro area to set up shop with their craft brewing skills.

Mortalis is quickly becoming one of the more popular destinations.

ROCHESTER, NY – As a dedicated reporter of blight of crime in Rochester, Local Puerto Rican residents are eagerly awaiting radio host Bob Lonsberry’s post-St. Patrick’s Day report on how many arrests were made after Parade Weekend, especially since St. Patrick’s Day weekend regularly yields more arrests in one day than the Puerto Rican Day Festival does over the span of three.

“I’m very excited. He is always concerned about crime at these festivals”, says pediatrician Enrique Colón. “One year, he went to the Puerto Rican Festival and followed us around, looking for crime. I was trying to enjoy my pasteles, and he came running up on me with his phone and a dumb grin on his face. He was like Jane Goodall with a selfie stick!” It is quite possible that Mr. Lonsberry thought that Puerto Rican festival attendees were gorillas, the go-to subjects of study for Dr. Jane Goodall, since he once thought that a black mayor was an orangutan.

Though the 20 arrests that year at the three-day PR Festival were still fewer per day than the 257 St. Patrick’s Day arrests in one night, Lonsberry has yet to make a long write up about the activities of St. Patrick’s Day weekends. “Maybe it is taking him longer the write about it because there are so many more arrests in one night! I’m sure he is taking his time to get the facts straight”, Colón posits.

Colón’s black colleague Stanley could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy laughing.

ROCHESTER, NY – Hart’s Grocery has been a staple of the village gate area for the last 5 years, especially for your friends who can afford to buy organic cheese imported from New Zealand at $55 per pound.

“Ever dreamed of a downtown grocery store?” Was their headline which targeted people with enough money to not even acknowledge the existence of East ave Wegmans.

Unfortunately for your friends making 6 figures they’ll have to order their almond avocado California dips online or take quick private jet over to Martha’s Vineyard to find that champagne caviar they love.

ROCHESTER, NY – “I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about, it’s just an hour.” Local resident Jason Budd lamented after finishing another night of watching adult swim until 4 AM and sleeping in until noon.

“I’m a little more tired than usual but I’m not going to bitch about it on Facebook.” Budd whose job search since the lay-off has consisted of exclusively 1 click applications to jobs he’s unqualified for on Indeed & Monster.

As of this post Mr Budd was buying a Rick & Morty calendar for his “man cave*”

*parents basement

ROCHESTER, NY – In response to Tops hosting the annual St Patrick’s Day parade. Discount grocery chain Aldi’s has announced their own parade down the street.

“It’s basically just as good, almost all the same stuff as the other parade, except you have to bag your own parade floats.” Said Aldiman Grocerson, the CEO of Aldi’s

Parade goers can use a reusable bag for only 2.99, or use random boxes they find littered around to try and box the float if you’re on a budget.

Tickets to the event are $10 cash, EBT is also accepted.

ROCHESTER, NY – “Who is more Rock & Roll Rochester than the only band that comes to mind any time you attend literally any outdoor concert in this city??” RR lead singer Michael Glabicki shouted from his self made yurt in Highland Park.

“Maybe next year they say. I’ve called them at least 50 times in the past year asking how they can overlook a band that lives, breathes, eats, and definitely lives here 365 days a year and makes 100% of our money from festival gigs? I mean, I assume we get some sort of cash prize for the distinction too. Or at least a plaque for my yurt.”

Reached for comment a voter stated “while we respect them as a band and will consider them in future years, we just can’t ‘send them on their way’ just yet”

Rochester,NY- As Black History Month leaves us, we can fondly remember a month that honors black heritage, culture and the struggles over the black community in american history and history in general. But enough about that! It’s time for our favorite season of the year! That’s right, we’re talking about St. Patrick’s day!

This is the time of the year many people of Irish descent (Aka white people) can aimlessly wander the streets in a drunken stupor, vomiting on our sidewalks, starting fight with strangers and the best part about all of this, is they will face no consequences at all! While the black community struggles with even walking down the street