5 Signs Nick Tahou’s Is Actually A Homeless Shelter

Rochester, NY- Nick Tahou’s is the place where it all happens. Its been all over the news, its known nationwide for its famous garbage plate’s. You’re friends love it, your co-workers love it and even that bitch step mom of yours loves it. Yet, there’s always this feeling you can’t shake when you’re in there. Maybe its the decor or the smell of greasy soul sucking food sneaking its way into your nostrils. You cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach…is Nick Tahou’s actually a homeless shelter? We’ve been doing some investigating and we have all the signs you need to realize that your favorite 2am hangout spot, is actually a refuge for the homeless people you could give two shits about.

 

  1. It’s homeless Pete’s favorite hangout spot- Everybody loves homeless Pete! Who wouldn’t! He laughs, he sings and he’s survived 3 winters in Rochester! Yet, every time you’re at Nick Tahou’s, homeless Pete is always hanging in the same corner smoking a cigarette and throwing half filled red bull cans into his garbage can fire pit. Sure, everybody is welcome at Nick Tahou’s, but why the homeless?
  2. Every booth is covered by tarps- Sure, you’re drunk, but you’re not an idiot. You know those tarps aren’t there for a leak in the roof. The homeless never feel safe from rain and they will always put tarps up no matter where there at. It’s just who they are. When you ask the older looking teenager behind the counter whats going on, he ask you if you want to donate blood.
  3. The garbage plate has been replaced by morphine– I’m all for change and improving on things, but when I’m shit faced at 9am, I want a nice hot garbage plate right in front of my face. Not some judgmental nun telling me that I need to calm down or else I’m going to bleed to death, what kind of country is she trying to run?
  4. Someone is always offering a hand job- Maybe this isn’t something to complain about, but can’t a guy just eat some food in peace without some weirdo offering him a handjob?  I dont have 5 bucks to spare, but I have 1 can of 4loco left in my backpack, isnt that good enough for a hand job?
  5. The police say this is part of the court order– Your halfway down the street, you can almost taste sweet freedom, sure that weird bracelet on your ankle wont shut the fuck up, but who cares! Then the police pull up and take out their shiny bullet launchers and drag you back to Nick Tahou’s. “If you leave again, you’ll spend time in the pen.” they say.

I know its only 1986 but Nick tahou’s has really changed. I remember the days when a regular guy like myself could grab a garbage plate and be on his way. If you like being verbally abused and the smell of homeless people, then by all means go to Nick Tahou’s, but if you’re a sane time traveling being like myself, you’ll go down the street to dogtown.

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5 Exciting Signs That We Are Getting a Blockbuster On Monroe Ave

Rochester, NY- Well boys and girls, there is some news and it is good! All signs are pointing to the fact that on Monroe Ave. we may be getting a Blockbuster Video Store! The franchise may have seen some rough days since Netflix and Hulu took over the online streaming market, but here’s 5 signs that we’re definitely getting the one stop shop for all video rentals!

  1. There is a building with “Blockbuster” on it: Listen, it may sound obvious, but step #1 to opening a Blockbuster Video is to get a building and name it Blockbuster Video. With it’s amazing selection of movies old and new, it’s not hard to see that the new location will service anyone who still has a VHS or DVD player.
  2. The Amount of Stabbings in the Area have Plateaued: You can’t stab who you can’t find, amirite? Due to the massive surge in excitement of this new Blockbuster Video, everyone is most likely digging their old VHS decks and spending time sitting their kids down and hitting them for abandoning DVD’s, then going around Monroe Ave. stabbing each other.
  3. I think there aren’t any crack heads in that building any more?: It may just be because the building appears to look like it was on fire since 2002, and the Blockbuster Video letters are greasily and permanently scarred into the side of the building, but the inside looks pretty clean!
  4. My ex-girlfriend banned me from her Netflix account she let me use when we were together: Listen, the road of romance is a guess-and-check kind of journey, and it doesn’t always work out; like when that scum bitch Melissa dumped me for being too “emotionally negligent” and “refusing to take my anti-psychotics”. Anyway, the massive selection of Blockbuster Video will keep me warm and cozy while that awful scum hole of a woman re-thinks the mistake she made with her new boyfriend, Brian.
  5. The Monroe Ave. Location makes so much sense!: When planning out your locations, it really helps to be at one of the biggest intersecting streets in the Rochester area! That and it’s only a few blocks away from the apartment that Melissa and I shared before she betrayed me and decided that our love wasn’t “mutually felt” and that I was “neglecting to care for her emotionally and expecting her to support me both emotionally and financially”. Such a central location means that you can make multiple stops during a day long shopping run, like going to the Blockbuster so that you can walk by your ex-and-should-be-current-girlfriends house and not seem suspicious.

Listen, we all have our Demons, but I’m sure that this new Blockbuster will really improve the hustle and bustle in the Monroe Ave. area! VHS is making a comeback, and I will use this comeback to prove to that slippery bitch Melissa that I am not a “Man-Child” who “clings to the past”, but a strong-strong man who can definitely and without question  please her both emotionally and sexually.

Local man awarded key to the city for suggesting garbage plates after night of binge drinking

Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.

“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”

Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.

“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”

“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.

No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.

Turf War Between LaserTron And Dave & Busters, Casualties On The Rise.

Henrietta, NY-  Day 3 of the bloody battle continues. As we walked around the mass grave site filled with former LaserTron and Dave & Buster employees, it’s quite evident that this is a war that will continue for decades. Dave & Busters Regional Manger Jacob Riddley roams the battlefield looking for any his own wounded or to put some LaserTron employees out there misery. Jacob walks over to a LaserTron employee crawling along the ground, covered in blood. Jacob flipped the boy over, “Please, just let me go, I have to finish high school.” The sound of a gun shot silenced the boy.

Jacob leaned down and picked up a LaserTron card from the dead boys pocket.”They think they can corner the market on overpriced adult arcades? This will not stand! We will own this land! We will be the only ones to offer cool cup holders with our name on it! This is our land! We are Dave! We are Busters!” The crowd of Dave & Busters employees cheered and threw their D&B power-cards in the air.

Jacob took out his battle-axe and chopped off the head of the LaserTron employee. “I want their heads on spikes in every corner of this plaza!”

We spoke to Daisy Cooper, a former LaserTron employee turned Dave & Busters employee about how she felt being on the other side. “You know I never really thought I would ever find myself on this side of the war, but LaserTron really fucked me over, I just wanted to have a Saturday night off for karaoke night, but they told me I should have wrote it in the time off book earlier in the week, so I quit and killed my manager.”

“Were sure this war is going to rage for a while, we just don’t understand how people dont think were cooler than them, we have a virtual reality game, I mean come on.” Jacob said.

We took a poll to see how the people of Rochester felt about this war.  70% said they could literally give less of a shit, 20% said war what is it good for? and 10% said “Shit, there goes my weekend plans.”

 

Gluten Free Only Shopper Confused Why Her Friends Always Have More Money Than Her

Rochester, NY- Shaking her head in despair, Jessica Kindel looks at her bank account on her iPhone, she just doesn’t understand why she’s broke all the time. “It seems that whenever my friends want to go out, I can never go!” she said as she finished her 15 dollar box of gluten-free Cheetos.

Jessica has been a strictly gluten-free shopper since 2008, “I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy for making such a drastic change to my lifestyle, but they just don’t understand how gluten affects me.” When asked how gluten effected her she replied ” I don’t know, but I know it’s not good.”

Jessica admitted to us that she understood the risk of never really enjoying life again or expendable cash once she switched to a completely gluten-free diet, but she knows that it’s a commitment she needs to stick to or else her friends will just think its a phase. “My friends are always talking about money as if they only don’t spend it on food, how can anybody really afford anything else but food?” Jessica said

We followed Jessica around as she was shopping at a local Trader Joes. Jessica’s phone started to buzz, “Moments like this are the toughest.” Jessica said. “My friends just asked me if I want to come over for a board game night, but I know I’m going to spend at least 20 minutes deciding if I want the 13 dollar jar of peanut butter or the 15 dollar one and then I have to go home and try to convince my boyfriend that I actually have a gluten-free allergy.”

Jessica put her phone on silent and continued down the gluten-free aisle of Trader Joes, never to be heard from again.

 

 

Upper Middle Class Pittsford Teen Begins Rap Career

Joseph Redell, 16, has decided to become Pittsford’s newest rap sensation, sources say.

Stating his major inspiration was his “rough and tough” upbringing on the “mean streets” of Nature View, Pittsford, Redell, who now goes by his rap moniker “Lil’ EZ Ca$h”, has reportedly started to get heavily into Rap and Hip Hop music, so much so that he is himself to be come a rapper.

“It’s just like, a real n***a thing, you know?” the painfully caucasian EZ Ca$h stated.

To fund his debut album, EZ’s father, Randal Redell, has given him $6000 and purchased weeks worth of studio time for his “gangsta” son.

“I am a vassal to his whim,” Says Randal, “The boy controls my thoughts and my actions. He is my master, and I his tool. Whatever the boy desires I am to bend earth and shatter sky to please him”

When asked about him being a white, upper middle class, suburban, and only having listened to Limp Bizkit, Redell screamed “F**k Haters!” and made his father buy him a gold chain to “Rep his gang” with.

For his next career move EZ is thinking of buying a “hot glock” and “Maybe some Wu Tang CD’s, Ive heard those playa’s is ill”

We Destroyed One Wegmans and Two More Grew Overnight

Henrietta, NY- What started last night as routine construction has quickly turned into something out of an alien invasion film, as more and more Wegmans shopping centers are popping up in strip malls and inside of other stores themselves.

“We were tearing down a main wall to do renovations” Said Harriet Clery, foreman on the construction team, “But when we finished our break there was another Wegmans right where the wall was, just jutting out from the original Wegmans”

Soon, Clery’s team found themselves trapped in a never-ending labyrinth of Wegmans shopping centers, each turn bringing them to another produce section, bakery, or craft beer isle. The incandescent letters of the welcome sign both their only light, and a visage that haunted their every move.

“Maybe we had never even entered the Wegmans” Harriet muses, both her crew and our reporting team trapped within the seemingly endless eons of isles, burning some decorative wreaths for warmth, “Maybe we were all here from the beginning. Maybe it’s the outside world that is a labyrinth, with its hustle and bustle, social niceties, and non-local shopping centers. We were born in the womb of Wegmans, and here we will die.”

Some of the construction crew has started to make effigies of John and Walter Wegman, staring dead eyed into the ever expanding super market. We know we will never escape. We don’t want to escape. Wegmans loves us, and we love it.

“Wegmans is Warmth, Wegmans is Light, Wegmans Supports, Wegmans Provides” We all chant in a low whisper. Our mother can hear us. Thats all who needs to hear us. We love you, Wegmans.

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