“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.

Michael Keaton Visting Rochester In Just One Continuous Shot

Rochester, NY- News broke quickly of Michael Keaton coming to our neck of the woods to introduce a screening of “Beetlejuice”. Needless to say many Rochesterians are quite excited about this for obvious reasons, it’s not often we receive an actor who most people thought was dead until his most recent success of being in Birdman. A movie where he played a character who had one hit movie and most people thought was dead until he made a comeback in a popular movie. The most impressive thing about Michael Keaton visiting Rochester is that he plans to do it one continuous shot! We spoke with Michael to get a little insight on how all of this is going to go down and what Rochesterians can expect!

” When I first heard I was going to Rochester, I knew that I wanted to make it as short of a trip as humanly possible, So I spoke with my good friend Academy award winner Alejandro González Iñárritu and he is actually going to direct this whole experience, we’ve been finding a lot of dark alleyways to go down to create the sense of continuity, but in reality we are just going to recruit four homeless guys to play drums on trash cans very loudly to create a sense of panic to keep the audience distracted from obvious edits”

At this point during the interview Alejandro González Iñárritu popped out of the shadows, it seemed that he was disguised as a table full of Kraft foods in order to create the perfect shot for the continuous “one take” shot. When we asked Alejandro González Iñárritu  if he understood that this technically wasn’t going to be “one-take” since they were taking breaks, this what he had to say.

“Life is like an ocean, sometimes the waves roll in strong and fierce. Sometimes they stay completely still. Like the ocean, you truly never know what to expect and you will not always be there to see it. Even though we cannot see the things that happen, we know in our heart that they have happened. El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda.”

Alejandro González Iñárritu  jumped into the air and turned into a large animatronic bird, he flew down and scooped up Michael Keaton into the sky into what we can only imagine is the ultimate “one-take” shot.

 

*Editors Note*

For our non-Spanish readers  El amor es una mariposa y yo soy paloma desnuda
means  Love is a butterfly and I am a naked dove.

Activists Shocked to Find Out That People can suck

Several activists from different social change movements have stepped forth with a shocking new discovery. After asking basic ‘Get to know you’ ice breaker questions to members of their respective groups they found that most, if not all of them, had personal traits or practices considered morally wrong. What follows are testimonials by those who found out that their organizations were full of shitty people.

Sarah Respoch, of Rochester’s grassroots campaign to stop voter suppression, had this to say about several members:

“Well, it just struck me as odd that we had so many sophomore poli-sci kids from around the area come and go. They always seemed so eager to join up and help the movement! They’d help educate people and join us at rallies, but then at the end of the summer they’d go back to school and never come back. I talked to one of them, he was a U of R guy, and all he had to say was ‘yeah, its better than an internship ’cause I get paid, and if I get one of the booth people to sign a sheet it counts as one anyways’. It…It’s like they don’t even care about the message, they just see the organization and the people as objects used as a means to an end.”

Gerard LeBouif, a local leader of a chapter of the Vegan Anti-GMO movement told us:

“Like, I had known [REDACTED] for years, he helped found the chapter here. Me and him were close friends! We even came from the same class at U of R. I had no idea that he was a registered sex offender. I asked him a week ago, point blank, ‘do you have a criminal record?’ and he said ‘yeah’ like it was nothing! He’s been in my house, with my kids , before. It’s like I never really took the time to know the guy.”

Bram Stepford, leader of the Young Republicans Club, and the  Delta Iota Chi Kappa fraternity at the University of Rochester, noticed this about some of his comrades:

“I found out Chet had never even drugged and sexually assaulted any of the sorority girls at our weekly bi-annual mixers. Like, never once! He never called anybody a n***er, or a s**c, or a w*****k, or a c**t, or a dick-weed, or a k**e, or”

He went on for some time listing various racial slurs and offensive slang,

“…he never skipped classes to get blackout drunk, and he didn’t even go here as a safety school! Like, he is paying for his own education and joined the frat thinking it would be a close knit community of brothers that shared a common profession or interest! Like, and but, like, and he just really believed in the republican cause and saw it as a way to better the political landscape of the country. Such a boner killer, you know?”

And finally, from the Rochester Socialists Union, Rebecca Sheppard had this to say:

“Well, its kind of an awkward situation, we’re in the middle of discussion of how to proceed. Okay, the short of it is that we have been involved closely with the Rochester Black Lives Matter movement for some time now. We believe that equality should exist in all forms and that no one group should be in complete power. We were excited to see so many people start joining in to rally and protest with us, but they would disappear after one or two rallies. It turns out they were just trying to be in pictures so that they could bolster their social media profiles and get bragging rights. I think the most disgusting example was one guy who came from U of R, he was at the front of every protest once the photographers came out, he kept claiming he was in NYC during the Occupy Wall Street protests and got beaten by police, but whenever he went near any person of color, he would immediately change into this gross stereotype, desperately trying to fist-bump people and saying “wassup homie?” or “whats good, blood?” it…it was disgusting to say the least.”

It’s sad to say that individuals in any given cause can turn out to be the complete opposite of who we thought they were. Some people try to use groups dedicated to social, political, or economic change to wash over who they are as an individual, rather than let their individuality dictate how others see them, as shitty, awful, terrible, awful people.

5 Signs Your GirlFriend Was Bit By A Radioactive Spider

Rochester, NY-  Relationships are always evolving and changing, for better or for worse. Yet, have you ever wondered if maybe your girlfriend is actually evolving into a half-woman, half-spider? We know the feeling, you see her in the corner of your apartment shooting webs from her wrists while she’s cooking dinner, or sometimes crawling along the ceiling to drop of a load of laundry. You can’t just assume that your girlfriend is becoming another kind of creature that will rule us all someday. So we’re giving you a list.

Here are 5 signs that your girlfriend was bitten by a radioactive spider

1. Your relationship is a web of lies and in a literal web- Lying is bad, some guy in the sky told us that long ago, but she just wont stop lying to you! Was she actually out at dinner with her parents or was she testing out her sweet new web-slinging skills above the old arcade? Also, the entire ‘my refrigerator wont open because its covered in titanium strength web’ thing is getting really old.

2. She wants more flies in her cereal- You started dating her for her little quirks, like having a tattoo of planet earth sunbathing on a beach, but eating flies in your cereal? I know that bug protein is like the new fad in poor places, but this seems a bit excessive.

3. She’s asking to drink more blood than usual-Everyone has their kinks, but when you keep waking up in the middle of the night to your girlfriend biting down on your ankle without even talking to you about it? That’s not a only a big sign she’s turning into mutant spider-woman, but she’s also blatantly not communicating her needs.

4.  You have over a 1,000 babies- I know she wanted kids and you think you’ll make a great dad, but you didn’t sign up for a 1,000 kids! I mean they cant even make a good TV show out of that! Plus, you’ve already stepped on over a dozen eggs in your living room!

5. She stopped a moving car with one leg- Now you know she’s been going to her cross fit classes on the daily, but this is absurd. That car was easily going 50mph and should of sent you and her flying into the never abyss that is sweet death.

These aren’t fool proof signs that your girlfriend is a half spawn demon that is now known as a morph of an arachnid and a gentle white woman. Always keep your guard up, you never know when she’ll decide to finish you off.

 

 

 

Disgusting! This Man Only Wants to Sleep With Women He Finds Attractive

The courageous fight for body positivity, fought almost completely on the feeds of Tumblr and Facebook, has found itself face to face with another threat. That threat is Brody Shomaker. In response to a question posed by Heidi Connors, a brave journalist for Jezebel, Shomaker said he normally only seeks out sexual intimacy with women he sees as attractive. What a pig! As if his male standards should dictate how a woman should look.

Luckily Connors wasn’t afraid to press his fragile male ego. She went on to ask him where he got off. Gross person Shomaker attempted to defend himself pathetically saying, “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s pretty basic human nature. Sexual attraction isn’t a new concept. Women do it, too.” Wow, what a condescending asshole. Connors rightfully scolded Shomaker for thinking he, a man, was able to speak on behalf of women.

This mentality, that who you are physically attracted to should somehow affect who you choose to become intimate with is both archaic and dangerous. Is that what we are supposed to teach our daughters?

Shomaker went on to further “explain his position,” go ahead Brody, keep digging yourself deeper. The entitled prick told Connors, “I just think this whole conversation is a bit ridiculous. I’m not some sexist pig. I have a degree in Gender Studies. I wrote my thesis on Susan B. Anthony. I interned at NOW for godsakes.”

Good try, Brody. But the internet sees you for who you are. All we can do is hope that men like Shomaker will one day be woke. Until then, women everywhere should continue posting rants on social media about any exchange that can be in any way construed as bigoted or sexist.

Fathers Rejoice!: Steely Dan, Dire Straights, and Chicago all slated to play the Rochester Jazz Festival

Rochester, NY- In a moment of sheer joy for every father, the Rochester Jazz Festival has announced several bands playing their roster that are sure to make your father wet with delight.

“We really wanted to give back to the Dads of the area, y’know?” festival director Walton Smithy says coarsely through bites of his hotdog, “Like, they’ve been getting a rough deal and I’m not sure people really appreciate their dads like they should.”

The Jazz Festival itself has spent, seemingly, all of its budget getting these high profile dad rock bands to come to our fair city. All other musicians have been booted from the playbill, and the festival is now only for one hour on June 30th, with each band playing 2 of their seminal hits.

“Like, like, maybe if my son showed me a little respect every now and then, he’d get to see f***ing Gregg Allman, or Djabe, or John Cleary & the Absolute Monster Gentleman, or any of the other talented musicians we had.” Smithy barked at us, without provocation, “But no! He had to make fun of my Vinyl collection one day, and now this is what he gets. Chris, you ungrateful shit kid. I hope you and your dusty f*** friends all starve to death in the Kodak Hall” He screeched as we rolled up our windows in the parking lot of the Y.

Instead of choosing such step-dad rock favorites as The Barenaked Ladies or Wilco; Such Cool-Older-Brother favorites like Wingnut Dishwashers Union or Wilco; or even some Uncle favorites like Bruce Springsteen or Wilco, we are to be delighted with the underpaid melodies of some of Dad Rocks most classic artists.

Walton Smithy has continued to send us letters describing his terrible son in great detail. At first, we at the Inner Loop office didn’t quite know what to think, but then we got his picture:

God, ugh, yeah that is one awful boy you have there, and we as a city need to be punished for his existence. Let us hope that no other position of power in our fair city has any shit kids, or we’re f***ed.

 

Man Can’t Decide If He Should Go To Trader Joe’s Or Kill Himself

Rochester, NY- Aaron Tanders was trying to have a normal day. He was enjoying his day off and planned on finishing the first season of Jessica Jones. Everything seemed to be going perfectly okay until his girlfriend Stacey walked into the living and asked him this one simple question. “Hey babe, do you want to go to Trader Joe’s with me?”

We spoke with Aaron to see how he was handling this situation.

“I just don’t get it, why would she do this to our relationship? I thought everything was going great with us and then she had to ask me this, like it’s not a big deal! she knows how I feel about Trader Joe’s. I mean our relationship means the world to me and I was planning on proposing to her, but now I think I might be better off just hanging myself, yah know? I mean its Trader Joe’s were talking about here. They offer Almond Peanut butter for $8 a jar. Those people are f***ing monsters.”

It was just reported in the NY Times that approximately 8/10 men will kill themselves when asked if they want to go to Trader Joe’s. It’s a staggering death rate that is tearing apart upper-class white couples. We asked Stacy how she worked up the courage to ask her boyfriend this question, knowing well what the consequences can be.

“I’ve honestly been thinking about this for months and I’ve been wanting to go to Trader Joe’s so badly, I mean a four-pack of avocados for like $4.99, that’s insane! I love my boyfriend so much, but I also love guacamole! I wish the world was an easier place.”

*Editors Note*

Funeral Times for Aaron Tanders will be held at a local Arby’s to honor the kind of food he truly held dear in this life and the next.

 

Penfield Man Not Charged with Smoking Weed in his Car After Pulling Out Decoy Sub

 

Penfield NY – Josh Greene was enjoying a relaxing drive with his friend Robert Alton last Wednesday when they got themselves into a bit of trouble. Driving down I-590, Robert decided to pull out his brand new smoking pipe to enjoy a healthy dose of Rochesters finest sticky-icky (A California 5 out of 10).

It was then that some concerned drivers and passengers that had witnessed the endeavor decided to change their condescending, passive aggressive glances into a full blown NarcFest 3000.

Officer Bryan Schnyder was the first to give a shit about the reports. Since he wasn’t getting any at home, he decided it would be fun to hunt these boys down and intimidate them long enough to see if they’d piss themselves. It was either that or stare blankly at the road signs and wonder how Rhonda has been spending so much time at spin class and hasn’t lost any weight.

Upon seeing the flashing lights in the rear view, Robert decided to act quickly. He looked over with the eyes of a scared man and a confident wombat and told Josh to ‘trust’ him. Quickly, he opened up a compartment in his weed pouch and pulled out a 3 week old Italian BMT from Subway. He opened the sandwich and put all of the weed inside, and opened the Subway bag and hid all of his paraphernalia inside.

When questioned about the contraband, Josh remained silent and poise, while Robert decided to take a more forward approach. The young man repeated the phrase “We ain’t toasten fat blunts, yo. Just these kush subs.”

The officer realized the kids clearly had social disabilities, and decided not to further the investigation. He then turned all of his efforts toward Bret, and that cheating whore Rhonda.

All Michael Bay Films to be Screened at Eastman Kodak Theater as Part of Auteur Series

Rochester, NY- Eastman Kodak’s Auteur series of screenings is well underway, with a last minute addition it seems. The entire catalogue of films made by director Michael Bay will be counted among the other greats being shown through this month and into June.

Michael Bay, director of such cinematic triumphs as The Rock and Bad Boys 2, as well as cinematic dumpster fires Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Pearl Harbor, has seen great financial success since the early 2000’s. reliably putting out summer blockbuster after summer blockbuster.

“This is pure Bay,” critic Michele Chantrum says from her theater seat, Armageddon being projected onto the silver screen, “…His trademarks as a filmmaker are all here! In every sense of the word Auteur, you can immediately tell a Michael Bay movie from any other. His is a view all his own; a destructive view of machismo and one liners-Oh! SHHH!” Chantrum holds a finger up and sits, transfixed at the visage of Bruce Willis shooting at Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil drilling platform.

Many have cited outrage that Bay would be counted among the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Michel Gondry, Wong Kar-Wai,  Darren Aronofsky, Park Chan-Wook and Andrei Tarkovsky, in almost unison saying “Come on, really?”

“Well, if you look at it from an artistic sense,” started film historian David Agatao, “He has all the characteristics of an auteur filmmaker: A distinctive style, a clear narrative voice, almost full authorship over the process’ of his films, a spark from a source material that has spoken to a wide audience- Really it’s surprising that nobody else has recognized him as such.”

Eastman Kodak declined to comment, saying that the screening will speak for itself. The films will be shown through this weekend into early next week.

5 Steps to Getting a Significant Other

Romance Ave, USA- The path to love is as rocky and dangerous as most paths leading to any war zone or mine field; a dangerous path meant only for the brave or the super brave to forge ahead.  But after the brave have been shot or incapacitated by explosives, feel free to squirrel through the crack like the slippery coward you are.

Your ideal person is on the other side of this decade long conflict, waiting for you to wisk them away and tell them just how much personality you have stored in your folds. But before you can begin the wisking of forever love, you as the wooer need to prove to the wooie that you got the goods. Or goodies depending on your gender.

Here are 5 tips to prove you have the goodies to sweep your sweetie off of their feet.

 

1.Challenge their step dad (who is a wizard) to a fight-

Seriously, this guy is not to be messed with. He knows how to tie knots, and he can make ice-cream with his mind. Its better to get this out of the way first, before he studies you and learns what you fear the most. Don’t let him trick you with mind ice cream, its really so he can figure out how much you hate spiders and intimacy.

2. Draw a bitchin’ skull

Aww yeah, now we’re getting places.

3.  Buy them a new pet. Like, a lizard, or a bird

Really anything thats kinda like a dinosaur. An alligator even, those are like real life dinosaurs. just go to Petco and get one right now. doesn’t matter which.

4. Write them a song about the lizard or fighting their step-dad (who is a wizard)

Any form of sing-song ballad or a musical sonnet about them, their new lizard friend you named “Destructor the Puss Monster” or making their step dad (who is a wizard) eat his own teeth, will be sure to woo your significant other to the point of unconsciousness or heart palpitations.

5. F***ing thrash about it

No sense in hiding it any longer! Break as many things near you and move your body in any way that it isn’t naturally supposed to. That’ll show ’em alright.

 

And there you go! By now you should be knee deep in whatever kind of whatever you are attracted to! Just remember to lay low for a while, you did murder a wizard (who was their step dad), and the police are pretty sure who did it (you).

Also remember to use your powers for good, and that making a relationship takes a lot of hard work and self sacrifice and/or a kick ass guitar solo and enough money to drown the moon.

Rochester NY's #1 Fake News Source