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Local man awarded key to the city for suggesting garbage plates after night of binge drinking

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Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.

“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”

Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.

“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”

“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.

No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.

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Turf War Between LaserTron And Dave & Busters, Casualties On The Rise.

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Henrietta, NY-  Day 3 of the bloody battle continues. As we walked around the mass grave site filled with former LaserTron and Dave & Buster employees, it’s quite evident that this is a war that will continue for decades. Dave & Busters Regional Manger Jacob Riddley roams the battlefield looking for any his own wounded or to put some LaserTron employees out there misery. Jacob walks over to a LaserTron employee crawling along the ground, covered in blood. Jacob flipped the boy over, “Please, just let me go, I have to finish high school.” The sound of a gun shot silenced the boy.

Jacob leaned down and picked up a LaserTron card from the dead boys pocket.”They think they can corner the market on overpriced adult arcades? This will not stand! We will own this land! We will be the only ones to offer cool cup holders with our name on it! This is our land! We are Dave! We are Busters!” The crowd of Dave & Busters employees cheered and threw their D&B power-cards in the air.

Jacob took out his battle-axe and chopped off the head of the LaserTron employee. “I want their heads on spikes in every corner of this plaza!”

We spoke to Daisy Cooper, a former LaserTron employee turned Dave & Busters employee about how she felt being on the other side. “You know I never really thought I would ever find myself on this side of the war, but LaserTron really f***ed me over, I just wanted to have a Saturday night off for karaoke night, but they told me I should have wrote it in the time off book earlier in the week, so I quit and killed my manager.”

“Were sure this war is going to rage for a while, we just don’t understand how people dont think were cooler than them, we have a virtual reality game, I mean come on.” Jacob said.

We took a poll to see how the people of Rochester felt about this war.  70% said they could literally give less of a shit, 20% said war what is it good for? and 10% said “Shit, there goes my weekend plans.”

 

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Gluten Free Only Shopper Confused Why Her Friends Always Have More Money Than Her

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Rochester, NY- Shaking her head in despair, Jessica Kindel looks at her bank account on her iPhone, she just doesn’t understand why she’s broke all the time. “It seems that whenever my friends want to go out, I can never go!” she said as she finished her 15 dollar box of gluten-free Cheetos.

Jessica has been a strictly gluten-free shopper since 2008, “I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy for making such a drastic change to my lifestyle, but they just don’t understand how gluten affects me.” When asked how gluten effected her she replied ” I don’t know, but I know it’s not good.”

Jessica admitted to us that she understood the risk of never really enjoying life again or expendable cash once she switched to a completely gluten-free diet, but she knows that it’s a commitment she needs to stick to or else her friends will just think its a phase. “My friends are always talking about money as if they only don’t spend it on food, how can anybody really afford anything else but food?” Jessica said

We followed Jessica around as she was shopping at a local Trader Joes. Jessica’s phone started to buzz, “Moments like this are the toughest.” Jessica said. “My friends just asked me if I want to come over for a board game night, but I know I’m going to spend at least 20 minutes deciding if I want the 13 dollar jar of peanut butter or the 15 dollar one and then I have to go home and try to convince my boyfriend that I actually have a gluten-free allergy.”

Jessica put her phone on silent and continued down the gluten-free aisle of Trader Joes, never to be heard from again.

 

 

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Upper Middle Class Pittsford Teen Begins Rap Career

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Joseph Redell, 16, has decided to become Pittsford’s newest rap sensation, sources say.

Stating his major inspiration was his “rough and tough” upbringing on the “mean streets” of Nature View, Pittsford, Redell, who now goes by his rap moniker “Lil’ EZ Ca$h”, has reportedly started to get heavily into Rap and Hip Hop music, so much so that he is himself to be come a rapper.

“It’s just like, a real n***a thing, you know?” the painfully caucasian EZ Ca$h stated.

To fund his debut album, EZ’s father, Randal Redell, has given him $6000 and purchased weeks worth of studio time for his “gangsta” son.

“I am a vassal to his whim,” Says Randal, “The boy controls my thoughts and my actions. He is my master, and I his tool. Whatever the boy desires I am to bend earth and shatter sky to please him”

When asked about him being a white, upper middle class, suburban, and only having listened to Limp Bizkit, Redell screamed “F**k Haters!” and made his father buy him a gold chain to “Rep his gang” with.

For his next career move EZ is thinking of buying a “hot glock” and “Maybe some Wu Tang CD’s, Ive heard those playa’s is ill”

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We Destroyed One Wegmans and Two More Grew Overnight

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Henrietta, NY- What started last night as routine construction has quickly turned into something out of an alien invasion film, as more and more Wegmans shopping centers are popping up in strip malls and inside of other stores themselves.

“We were tearing down a main wall to do renovations” Said Harriet Clery, foreman on the construction team, “But when we finished our break there was another Wegmans right where the wall was, just jutting out from the original Wegmans”

Soon, Clery’s team found themselves trapped in a never-ending labyrinth of Wegmans shopping centers, each turn bringing them to another produce section, bakery, or craft beer isle. The incandescent letters of the welcome sign both their only light, and a visage that haunted their every move.

“Maybe we had never even entered the Wegmans” Harriet muses, both her crew and our reporting team trapped within the seemingly endless eons of isles, burning some decorative wreaths for warmth, “Maybe we were all here from the beginning. Maybe it’s the outside world that is a labyrinth, with its hustle and bustle, social niceties, and non-local shopping centers. We were born in the womb of Wegmans, and here we will die.”

Some of the construction crew has started to make effigies of John and Walter Wegman, staring dead eyed into the ever expanding super market. We know we will never escape. We don’t want to escape. Wegmans loves us, and we love it.

“Wegmans is Warmth, Wegmans is Light, Wegmans Supports, Wegmans Provides” We all chant in a low whisper. Our mother can hear us. Thats all who needs to hear us. We love you, Wegmans.

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Rusted Root Headlines Lilac Festival, All Other Rochester Festivals As Per Agreement With Dark Lord

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You may have heard that Rusted Root of “that one song in Matilda” fame will be headlining this years Lilac Festival and all other summer festivals in the Rochester, NY area as per their agreement with Satan years ago for granting them a hit song you’ve likely heard in various commercials for rental car companies.  “Well Rochester is a really great place to perform, and as much as we’d all like to see our families back in Pittsburgh and experience freedom from a lifetime of enslavement, it’s pretty sweet we’re still remembered for that song that was on the Party of 5 soundtrack in 1996” said lead singer Michael Glabicki, who was currently chained to the Jazz Fest stage eating a molded hot dog roll.

Excitement for the concerts has been tepid, but people still enjoy the pleasant background noise provided while they get drunk and look at the purple flowered bushes. “Oh they’re coming here again? That’s cool. They have that song ‘Hey Jealousy’, I think” said local hot dog vendor Hal Gomes “also they help keep the rats away from my cart by catching and eating them for sustenance. They’re a part of our community now, and I can’t wait to hear them at my buddy’s barbecue on Saturday”

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Local man can’t decide if he wants to hang outside of Lux or Bugjar tonight

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Rochester, NY –  It’s a Thursday night and while to most people this could be just another day to go about their daily lives and enjoy a simple day filled with simple decisions, today wont be that day for Joseph Reeves. Joseph is an ordinary guy like the rest of us, but tonight he’ll have to make a very crucial decision, does he want to hang outside of Lux or Bugjar tonight. We spoke to Joseph to see how his decision is coming along. “It’s not as easy as people think, each bar offers a completely different kind of experience, if I hang outside of Bugjar I know at least one or two guys who will bum me a smoke, but if I were to be outside of Lux tonight I could easily snag someones drink off a table who left it behind, either way I still need time to think about this.” Joseph said.

Joseph stepped away for a moment to see if his bus was coming or not. “Sorry, these damn things never run of time. Bugjar is a great place, sometimes I pretend I’m one of the guys from Joywave and the bouncer usually lets me in for free, Rochester really is a great place for being able to slip through the cracks without anyone noticing.” Joseph said. His cellphone started ringing, Joseph turned it off. “God damn agents, they wont stop bothering me, it’s crazy how you start to blow up a little bit and people wont stop trying to ask yah for money, I’m with Joywave, did I mention that? You don’t happen to have a smoke do yah?”

Joseph scrambled through his jacket pockets and took out an E-Cig, “These things are much better for you than real cigarettes and you don’t have to worry about your roommate getting suspicious about missing smokes, I think I may go to Lux tonight,  I like to generally chug three to four Gennys before I head out anywhere and It’s easier to find Lux with their big blurry neon sign, It’s crazy how they were able to make a sign blurry.”

Joseph stepped back and threw up all over his jacket. “Being a musician is really stressful, f*** both of these places man, I’m hanging outside of Skylark tonight, the bouncer their loves my artwork.”

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Five signs you live in a crawl space above Applebees

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It’s two in the morning, you climb up your ladder into your favorite crawl space and you start to unwind from a long day at work, as you take off your clothes and head into your sleeping bag, you hear a familiar sound coming from below you, “Would you like to do our two for twenty tonight? The mozzarella sticks are my favorite”. Those thoughts start to flow through your head again and you start thinking to yourself. Am I living above an Applebees? We’ve all been there and sadly we didn’t see the signs until it was too late. Well I’m here to help you identify this issue before it destroys your life. Here are five signs that you may be living in a crawl space above an Applebees.

1. The trash is filled with chicken penne meals  You’re on your usual garbage run to find dinner and you can’t stop but notice all these f***ing chicken penne meals filling up your trash. Thats a good sign you may be living above an Applebees. Applebees is known for their terrible chicken penne meals, so it’s no surprise that people would just dispose of them like any other trash.

2. Your room is lit up by a Wal-Mart sign across the street-  While it’s really convenient that you don’t have to use your lanterns to guide yourself through your crawl space, you’ve always felt a bit uneasy by the bright blue lights of Wal-Mart. Applebees always tend to not stray too far from a local Wal-Mart. Applebees and Walmart usually go hand in hand for a “Family night out” for local suburbanite fathers who hate their lives.

3. You can always hear Steve and Tina arguing–  You’re trying to eat your usual can of pork n beans and you hear it. Steve and Tina arguing over half price appetizers again. Every week they come and Tina wants the grilled chicken wonton tacos and Steve really wants boneless wings and they always can’t decide. We know this argument isn’t about half price appetizers and more that their just uncertain about where their relationship is headed and insecurities being shown in a below par restaurant.

4. Your police scanner picks up eighties songs–  It’s just another Tuesday night and you’re relaxing listening to the local crime station to see if anyone has found out where you live and if your parents even care anymore and all of sudden, carry on my wayward son starts blasting through your scanner! Applebees loves to shove poorly made music down the ear holes of their customers.

 5. Your mother and father keep telling you to come home and stop living above an Applebees–  You’re annoying parents who never listened to you and always put everything in their life above you wont stop bothering you to come down from the crawl space above Applebees and return to normal life and maybe if you just took your medication these kind of incidents wont happen anymore and we won’t be known as the “Strange” family in town anymore..

These signs are not guarantees you’re living in a crawl space above Applebees, but I’ve used my knowledge of living in various crawl spaces over the years to help you on your journey to a better life!