It’s two in the morning, you climb up your ladder into your favorite crawl space and you start to unwind from a long day at work, as you take off your clothes and head into your sleeping bag, you hear a familiar sound coming from below you, “Would you like to do our two for twenty tonight? The mozzarella sticks are my favorite”. Those thoughts start to flow through your head again and you start thinking to yourself. Am I living above an Applebees? We’ve all been there and sadly we didn’t see the signs until it was too late. Well I’m here to help you identify this issue before it destroys your life. Here are five signs that you may be living in a crawl space above an Applebees.

1. The trash is filled with chicken penne meals  You’re on your usual garbage run to find dinner and you can’t stop but notice all these f***ing chicken penne meals filling up your trash. Thats a good sign you may be living above an Applebees. Applebees is known for their terrible chicken penne meals, so it’s no surprise that people would just dispose of them like any other trash.

2. Your room is lit up by a Wal-Mart sign across the street-  While it’s really convenient that you don’t have to use your lanterns to guide yourself through your crawl space, you’ve always felt a bit uneasy by the bright blue lights of Wal-Mart. Applebees always tend to not stray too far from a local Wal-Mart. Applebees and Walmart usually go hand in hand for a “Family night out” for local suburbanite fathers who hate their lives.

3. You can always hear Steve and Tina arguing–  You’re trying to eat your usual can of pork n beans and you hear it. Steve and Tina arguing over half price appetizers again. Every week they come and Tina wants the grilled chicken wonton tacos and Steve really wants boneless wings and they always can’t decide. We know this argument isn’t about half price appetizers and more that their just uncertain about where their relationship is headed and insecurities being shown in a below par restaurant.

4. Your police scanner picks up eighties songs–  It’s just another Tuesday night and you’re relaxing listening to the local crime station to see if anyone has found out where you live and if your parents even care anymore and all of sudden, carry on my wayward son starts blasting through your scanner! Applebees loves to shove poorly made music down the ear holes of their customers.

 5. Your mother and father keep telling you to come home and stop living above an Applebees–  You’re annoying parents who never listened to you and always put everything in their life above you wont stop bothering you to come down from the crawl space above Applebees and return to normal life and maybe if you just took your medication these kind of incidents wont happen anymore and we won’t be known as the “Strange” family in town anymore..

These signs are not guarantees you’re living in a crawl space above Applebees, but I’ve used my knowledge of living in various crawl spaces over the years to help you on your journey to a better life!