Rochester, NY- It’s 6:30 Am and the room is completely quiet. Lindsey Salinger paves the way for the beginning of yoga class, The sound of silence fills the air, “Namaste, peace be unto you. You are a tree floating in the ocean, completely still and one with the world and one with yourself. “The class is full of the young and old hoping to forget their daily struggles and just connect with the inner zen or whatever shit they believe.” Lindsey says.
Lindsey has been making a living as a yoga instructor for 8 years and she is shocked at how successful its become. “I was just hanging out at Cobbs hill doing some stretches before a run and these ladies approached me and asked me if I was doing yoga and I just said yes! It kind of just went from there, I looked up some YouTube videos and every time I kept going to Cobbs hill, more people kept showing up and following me, especially men!”
“I went from humble beginnings in a park to owning my very own studio!, these people will literally buy anything I say because I’m fit and post pictures on Instagram of me posing in front of some hollowed out birch tree or some shit, while talking about kombucha or something.”
When we asked her if she has any other dreams or ambitions she would like to pursue in the future, she responded with ” I really think I would like to get into mechanical engineering, I mean honestly I feel like I can pretty much do whatever the f*** I want now, I have people paying me a $1,000 per yoga session and now I hear something called Rei Kei is becoming big? You literally just stand over someone and wave your hands over their body and say some Indian shit or whatever. The world is my f***ing oyster.”
Lindsey then jumped into her pool full of 100 dollar bills and sank to the bottom, in a sight that can only be described as pure bliss.
So you’re voting for Syracuse Orange mascot doppelganger Donald Trump, good for you! I personally disagree with your very bad decision but let’s talk about why you came to this incredibly awful conclusion.
- You have never taken responsibility for anything you’ve done wrong in your entire life! – What could you, protagonist of the universe, have possibly done to cause yourself any problems? Clearly you ended up in multiple failed marriages because food stamp recipients are using their funds on lobster and crack cocaine.
- Your dominant personality trait is being a racist – Whether it be comparing the president to a primate or using the term “towelhead” on a regular basis, you’re always prepared to make a group of people uncomfortable with your strong disdain for anyone who does not share your skin color. Friends know you as “that racist piece of shit who isn’t my friend.”
- You own a small dog – Trump has small hands, his fans love small dogs. Small dogs are often angry for no reason and their high pitched barking is similar to the noises heard at Trump rallies.
- You’re doing it as a joke – Ah it’s you, mister irony! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we elected the guy capable of turning our country into a third world hell hole? Oh my god what funny satire! Voting for a hateful bigot with no plan and a boner for building walls is Louis CK levels of comedic gold there buddy!
- Someone offered you sex in exchange for a Trump vote – Listen I get it, you were horny and Tinder hasn’t been working out for you. You got weak. You called 1-800-F***-4-TRUMP. It’s up to you to make better decisions in 2020, if there is a 2020 after Donald triggers a nuclear apocalypse by calling Putin’s wife a fugly skank.
- You’ve been transferred here from an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a well spoken philanthropist whose fundraisers have raised millions to find cures for all major diseases – It must be very confusing to see the man you so revered being such an asshole. How can the guy who saved 1000 abused animals from being euthanized be such a monster? I don’t know, I would invest more time in finding a way back with Doc Brown.
- You’re Donald Trump – Why are you running? Ha ha okay you win we’re a bunch of dumbasses and we let the joke go too far. Please stop, we’re scared and we just want to be let out of the haunted house that is this election season. Please. Leave America alon
“I knew I’d be be getting with tons of chicks in college, but I didn’t know it would be this good!”Said Brad Brunswick, smiling from ear to ear as he sat at his desk organizing all of his Rohypnol into a neat pile. “Atleast 3 of them were semi conscious.”
Brad has become a legend amongst his fraternity brothers at Phi Kappa Phi Phi Phi Kappa and a terrible memory that will never fade for over 30 female students, a new record for the fraternity.
“I swear that dude forcefully drags home a different girl every night, I’m so jealous!” Said one of his “brothers” who refused to be named for legal reason
Brunswick offered some advice for any college student out there who hasn’t had as much success as him.
“All it takes, is a good attitude, a little bit of charm, and a sociopathic disregard for the effect your actions have on others.”
It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.
However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “F***” word as they ran through the streets.
“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”
Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.
With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.
So you’ve matched with someone you kinda sorta find mildly attractive in a weird way on Tinder, awesome!
But wait…where do you go? You’ve already been to every bar on Park Ave, Monroe Ave, and even that one time you thought Murphy’s Law might be okay (it wasn’t). So where do you take this woman you will surely never see again except on another date at one of those bars? The answer is the following 5 places, where you’ll never have to worry about running into a previous date:
Wintonaire – Okay so this place is pretty divey, but it’s on the outskirts of the city and there’s barely anyone there ever because it’s terrible and the parking sucks. It’s pretty much an awful bar with no redeeming qualities but the same could be said about you mister serial dater, so just accept your fate and take your hopeless dates to somewhere that really reflects the true sadness that is meeting people online.
Wintonaire (again) – Wait What? Wintonaire again? Yes. Just take the next date to Wintonaire too. Who gives a shit? It’s not going to go well, you’re still thinking about why your ex left (it was probably the self hatred) and you don’t even know this chick’s name.
Wintonaire – Listen man, this is your 3rd date in 3 days. This chick openly told you her family denies the holocaust. You don’t have to even try to get her to come back to your place. But you wanna get drunk and the drinks aren’t expensive here. Also you’re not even going to try to sleep with her because you just wanna go home and get high. Why’d you do this?
Wintonaire – F*** it. 4 dates in 4 days. You have checked out completely. There’s no reason to even date anymore. Pretty sure this one is actually a drag queen. The Wintonaire bartenders now know you as “that guy who keeps coming in with different sadder women.” You go home after and don’t even have the energy to masturbate.
Wintonaire – Tell your friends goodbye. Tell them you started online dating as a joke and somewhere along the line you became the punchline and now you’re on your 5th date in 5 days and you can’t even remember what liking someone feels like. You just want to feel anything. You just told this woman how exciting it would have been to die in 9/11. Order the pizza logs, eat them in front of your date while openly crying. Ask for a second date at the Wintonaire.
Rochester, NY- Nick Tahou’s is the place where it all happens. Its been all over the news, its known nationwide for its famous garbage plate’s. You’re friends love it, your co-workers love it and even that bitch step mom of yours loves it. Yet, there’s always this feeling you can’t shake when you’re in there. Maybe its the decor or the smell of greasy soul sucking food sneaking its way into your nostrils. You cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach…is Nick Tahou’s actually a homeless shelter? We’ve been doing some investigating and we have all the signs you need to realize that your favorite 2am hangout spot, is actually a refuge for the homeless people you could give two shits about.
- It’s homeless Pete’s favorite hangout spot- Everybody loves homeless Pete! Who wouldn’t! He laughs, he sings and he’s survived 3 winters in Rochester! Yet, every time you’re at Nick Tahou’s, homeless Pete is always hanging in the same corner smoking a cigarette and throwing half filled red bull cans into his garbage can fire pit. Sure, everybody is welcome at Nick Tahou’s, but why the homeless?
- Every booth is covered by tarps- Sure, you’re drunk, but you’re not an idiot. You know those tarps aren’t there for a leak in the roof. The homeless never feel safe from rain and they will always put tarps up no matter where there at. It’s just who they are. When you ask the older looking teenager behind the counter whats going on, he ask you if you want to donate blood.
- The garbage plate has been replaced by morphine– I’m all for change and improving on things, but when I’m shit faced at 9am, I want a nice hot garbage plate right in front of my face. Not some judgmental nun telling me that I need to calm down or else I’m going to bleed to death, what kind of country is she trying to run?
- Someone is always offering a hand job- Maybe this isn’t something to complain about, but can’t a guy just eat some food in peace without some weirdo offering him a handjob? I dont have 5 bucks to spare, but I have 1 can of 4loco left in my backpack, isnt that good enough for a hand job?
- The police say this is part of the court order– Your halfway down the street, you can almost taste sweet freedom, sure that weird bracelet on your ankle wont shut the f*** up, but who cares! Then the police pull up and take out their shiny bullet launchers and drag you back to Nick Tahou’s. “If you leave again, you’ll spend time in the pen.” they say.
I know its only 1986 but Nick tahou’s has really changed. I remember the days when a regular guy like myself could grab a garbage plate and be on his way. If you like being verbally abused and the smell of homeless people, then by all means go to Nick Tahou’s, but if you’re a sane time traveling being like myself, you’ll go down the street to dogtown.
Rochester, NY- Well boys and girls, there is some news and it is good! All signs are pointing to the fact that on Monroe Ave. we may be getting a Blockbuster Video Store! The franchise may have seen some rough days since Netflix and Hulu took over the online streaming market, but here’s 5 signs that we’re definitely getting the one stop shop for all video rentals!
- There is a building with “Blockbuster” on it: Listen, it may sound obvious, but step #1 to opening a Blockbuster Video is to get a building and name it Blockbuster Video. With it’s amazing selection of movies old and new, it’s not hard to see that the new location will service anyone who still has a VHS or DVD player.
- The Amount of Stabbings in the Area have Plateaued: You can’t stab who you can’t find, amirite? Due to the massive surge in excitement of this new Blockbuster Video, everyone is most likely digging their old VHS decks and spending time sitting their kids down and hitting them for abandoning DVD’s, then going around Monroe Ave. stabbing each other.
- I think there aren’t any crack heads in that building any more?: It may just be because the building appears to look like it was on fire since 2002, and the Blockbuster Video letters are greasily and permanently scarred into the side of the building, but the inside looks pretty clean!
- My ex-girlfriend banned me from her Netflix account she let me use when we were together: Listen, the road of romance is a guess-and-check kind of journey, and it doesn’t always work out; like when that scum bitch Melissa dumped me for being too “emotionally negligent” and “refusing to take my anti-psychotics”. Anyway, the massive selection of Blockbuster Video will keep me warm and cozy while that awful scum hole of a woman re-thinks the mistake she made with her new boyfriend, Brian.
- The Monroe Ave. Location makes so much sense!: When planning out your locations, it really helps to be at one of the biggest intersecting streets in the Rochester area! That and it’s only a few blocks away from the apartment that Melissa and I shared before she betrayed me and decided that our love wasn’t “mutually felt” and that I was “neglecting to care for her emotionally and expecting her to support me both emotionally and financially”. Such a central location means that you can make multiple stops during a day long shopping run, like going to the Blockbuster so that you can walk by your ex-and-should-be-current-girlfriends house and not seem suspicious.
Listen, we all have our Demons, but I’m sure that this new Blockbuster will really improve the hustle and bustle in the Monroe Ave. area! VHS is making a comeback, and I will use this comeback to prove to that slippery bitch Melissa that I am not a “Man-Child” who “clings to the past”, but a strong-strong man who can definitely and without question please her both emotionally and sexually.