- You Donate Blood — One donation of blood saves three people, that’s amazing. That’s three times the amount of people you killed with your careless use of those fireworks.
- You Volunteer — You ring the bell for the Salvation Army every holiday season. Every holiday season you think about why you had to aim those bottle rockets at the window of the room your grandpa was taking a nap.
- You Have Two Beautiful Children — They rely on you for unconditional love which you provide in great supply. Hopefully they don’t have any catastrophic accidents befall them and haunt them into adulthood.
- You Apologized To God — You’re not even sure you believe in god but you just want it off your conscience at this point. It’s not like you wanted your grandpa to die from excessive smoke inhalation and 2nd degree burns. You were a dumb kid. Dumb kids make mistakes. Yours just resulted in the death of a relative.
- You Sought The Proper Psychiatric Help — Dr Morrison says you need to forgive yourself in order to move on but how could he ever understand? He didn’t have to deal with the darkest day in your family’s history since great aunt Eleanor jumped off her balcony to her death.
- He Was Pretty Old Anyway — This part is a bit of rationalizing the situation but at least it wasn’t dad or mom. It was grandpa and you loved him but…Jesus Christ what are you saying, you’re literally the worst grandson of all time.
Rochester, NY- James Menkell is currently recovering at Strong memorial hospital from third degree burns. James Menkell was like any other twenty-four year old. His day consisted of working, school and browsing tinder for endless hours until it seems that his very existence was being questioned and his actual physical being was being absorbed into a neverending stream of numbers and swipes, sending humanity back into a shallow existence.
Yet, today James was not an average twenty-four year old, he was a twenty-four year old who just came face to face with the grim reaper himself/herself. We spoke with James in the hospital to ask him how this horrible incident came to pass,”I really don’t remember much to be honest, I remembering just swiping right non-stop out of pure desperation to validate myself and to at least know that, maybe one person within a 100 mile radius between the ages of 18-100 wanted to have sex with me, let alone find five pictures of myself attractive, three of them being group photos.”
James continued to rant about how tinder isn’t a fair representation of who he is and he wishes that the Women/men/older women/ older men on there would just understand who he is and to look past the fact he’s been on a local kickball team for the past three years by choice. We asked James how he walked into the fire, despite fire being so obvious.
“I mean I don’t think what I did was some rare event or something, I was walking down Monroe avenue swiping right on this chick named Becky because she had a nose ring and those are cute as fuck and next thing I know I’m in some guys back yard in Fairport and I heard people yelling, watch out for the fire, but how serious could I take those claims? If they really didn’t want anything bad to happen to me they should have sent me a picture of the fire.”
James will be recovering at Strong Memorial Hopsital for the next month, where he hopes he finds anyone to have pity on him and third degree burns attractive.
Rochester, NY – A political rally for Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this past Saturday was brought to a screeching halt when Hitler, the long assumed deceased German dictator, showed up to protest. The rally, held at the Historic German House, was by all accounts a positive experience before Hitler’s arrival. Bernie supporters who had come to hear the Vermont senator’s populist messages were floored by the unexpected interruption.
College student Jake Stevenson had this to say, “I was really stoked to hear Bernie talk, I think he is totally what this country needs. But then, when, like, Hitler showed up, it totally bummed me out. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, ya know? Cuz I don’t speak German or whatever, but he seemed super mad at Bernie. Which is crazy, cuz Bernie is great.”
Reports indicate that the former Nazi leader burst into the room during Sanders’ speech and began screaming in German, pointing at the senator. Attendees of the rally instantly began a counter-protest, a few even throwing their FeelTheBern signs in the Fuhrer’s direction.
Though intense, the scene was short-lived, rally security quickly escorted the disgruntled Hilter off the premises as he howled, “abstimmung Trump,” over and over.
Sanders said this about the incident, “Let me absolutely clear, Hitler can yell and shout all he wants about a Jew running for office, or this or that, or whatever. However, however, I do not want this stunt to detract from the real problem this country faces. Hitler is not the real problem this country faces, I’ll tell you the real problem this country faces. It is that a handful of millionaires and billionaires hold far too much of this country’s wealth. That, that is the real problem.”
Rochester, NY- As Henry Wesson walks down Monroe avenue on his way to grab lunch, a little message appears on his fitbit, “congratulations! You’ve walked over 10 miles today! Only 5 more to go and you’ll meet your daily fitness goal!” “I’ve never been more miserable in my life, sure I’ve lost a good amount of my physical weight, but what permanent damage has been done to my soul?”
Henry Wesson isn’t alone in his struggle, many other fitbit users are experiencing the same dark side-effects of the fitbit. We spoke with local fitbit user Sharon Nester to see how the fitbit has affected her life, “I feel as if I’m just a walking corpse awaiting death, I mean how low does your life have to get where you spend over a $100 on a bracelet that reminds you that you have no self-control and you will become a walking pile of shit if it doesn’t remind you how many calories you’ve consumed?!”
As we were speaking with Henry, his fitbit asked him if he had met his daily goal of calories yet, Henry ripped off his fitbit and threw it across the street. “MY ONLY GOAL IS TO LIVE! NO MORE WILL I FEAR FOOD! I WILL BE A FREE MAN, NOT BOUND BY COMPUTER OR MANS NEED FOR PERFECTION! IF MY BODY IS A REPRESENTATION OF MY HEALTH, THEN I AM TAINTED!”
Other fitbit users were seen coming out bushes and sewers, a large crowd gathered around Henry and lifted him up in the air chanting “He is the one we have been waiting for! All the hail the one free of the bracelet!” The crowd began to go wild and threw all their fitbits into one giant pile and set it on fire. The crowd starting moving down the street, destroying everything in their path.
We approached a local resident on the street to see what he thought of this scene happening right in front of him, his response was “I just don’t understand what the fuss is all about, losing weight really isn’t that hard, stay away from junk food and just exercise regularly.”
In a completely depraved and shameless act of extreme sluttiness, Jeff Langdon made his profile picture one of himself in the bathroom of Chipotle with his entire upper body exposed to the Tinder community.
Declaring that he just wanted to let the world know he’s not ashamed of his body, even with the Godsmack logo on his abdomen, Jeff faced scorn from a society that almost universally finds this sort of smut to be self indulgent and egotistical.
“Disgusting. How does he expect me to take him seriously with that sort of smut? He’s clearly just a dirty whore who wants attention.” Said fellow Tinder user Melanie Rogers
“I just think if he wants me to respect him, he needs to start dressing like he doesn’t want me to fuck him and leave him. Clearly has some mommy issues.” Said Jeff’s Mom, who also uses Tinder.
Still Mr. Langdon has his supporters who say this is a “men’s rights” issue. “He’s taking a stand against these oppressive feminists who just want us to stop loving ourselves and would rather promote their bullshit equality cause whatever the fuck that means” said Chase Hammond, while high fiving a fellow shirtless bro at their frat’s “Fuck a Fat Chick” night. Celebrity penis with a beard Dan Bilzerian Retweeted his story to his loyal minions of sexual predators and said “it’s time us men stood up for our rights as we are now the minority in this country.”
Jeff could not be reached for comment since he was continuing to take shirtless selfies and swiping right without any discrimination, a true hero to all men who face the scorn of vicious attacks on their appearance in all forms of social media and online dating.
Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.
I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf.
Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]
I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs.
Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]
Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.
Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here.
Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]
Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).
I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless.
The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.
Chuck Schumer, long time Senator of New York state known mostly for his copy and paste speeches at college graduation ceremonies, decided to go after the online ticket scalping industry and protect ticket buyers from cyber hackers, which has drawn the ire of locals who demand he focus on bigger issues like every other issue facing the state of New York.
“Of all the problems facing this country, and I mean every single one from the national debt, treatment of our veterans, jobs going overseas, and my wife leaving me, and this guy chooses to focus on something that doesn’t affect me personally? Thanks for nothing Senator Narcissist!” said Mark Bardino, a local who also enjoys getting mad at television shows he doesn’t have to watch in his free time.
“When hopeful concertgoers went online the day tickets were made available, they were told they needed a little more than a hungry heart to get tickets,” Schumer said Monday as he continued to ignore the growing poverty level in this country as well as not even once mentioning the attacks in Brussels and how he would stop ISIS.