Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Move Over Rogue One, This is the Star Wars Movie You’ve Been Waiting For

By now, you’ve probably seen the newest of the Star Wars franchise, Rogue One. In a different article, we’d probably go into great detail about our opinions of Rogue One. Heck, you might even be chomping at the bit for the next installment of the franchise, and who can blame you? It’s not like theres any other movies about Stars and Wars.

But thats wrong because you’re wrong. Rogue One is dogshit and here is exactly why:

We all missed the greatest star wars movie ever made:

 

STARCRASH (1978) is the greatest and sloppiest space opera you’ve never seen. The plot synopsis reads:

An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Just by the trailer, you can tell this was a pretty hastily put together mess trying to bank off of A New Hopes massive fan draw, but it does so much more than just rip off A New Hope.

See, we all think that what Star Wars needs to do is to put more care and planning into the story and craft that go into its movies. But thats fucking A-10 wrongo because this movie proves that space movies are dope as hell when you just stop caring about anything relating to story or characters or even basic movie making. This movie doesn’t give a single dusty fuck what you think because its too busy being too fucking rad.

Here is a list of batshit crazy things that happen in this movie in no particular order:

-Invisible Space Blobs kills everyone

-David Hasselhoff shows up

-Space Babe Space Army

-Stop Motion Giant Robot Attack

-Cavemen?

-Texan Robot Sidekick

-Lasers all over the goddamn place

-Twin Murder Robots

-David Hasselhoff shooting lasers out of his goddamn face

-Lightsaber Caveman Slaughter

-Man Screaming “ZABAAA! ZABADAAAAN!” as he explodes

And if none of that entices you, you’re a fucking monster and whenever you throw parties people spit on the floor without telling you.

But if any of that does entice you, let me ploppy-wop a little cherry on this sundae-

you can watch it for free, right now.

 

This movie was put up for free onto youtube, along with a host of other late 70’s to early 80’s schlocky sci-fi and Star Wars rip offs. But this? This is art, pure and simple.

You will watch this, and you will see that nothing Lucasarts or Disney can churn out will ever compare to this movie.

 

 

Rochester Votes Dan Edwards as City’s Official Step Dad

Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.

Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards

Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.

Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.

But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,

“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”

Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.

Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.

Area Man Who Screamed When He Saw A Spider Last Week Pretty Confident He Will Win Bar Fight

Rochester, NY – It’s 9:02 on Friday night and Jason Berkeley is leaning on the bar at Monty’s Krown, waiting to order what will be his fifth light beer. Berkeley came to Monty’s with several friends, who are engrossed in a game of darts in the back of the bar. As the bartender heads Berkeley’s way, he raises his hand to signal. Just then, a man much larger than Berkeley, in a leather biker jacket leans onto the bar, in front of Berkeley, usurping the bartender’s attention and ordering a round of whiskey for “the guys”.

Berkeley, in a moment of courage, taps the large man on the shoulder and tells him that he was here first, and therefore should be able to order first. This courage was not present in Berkeley last Tuesday when he stepped into the shower. Perched just above the faucet head was an American House Spider. No on this occasion, courage was not a word that could be used to describe Jason Berkeley. Words that may be appropriate are mortified, petrified, or the most scared anyone has ever appeared in history. Berkeley, laying eyes on the spider, roughly a quarter-inch long, let out a primal scream and jumped backwards. He then is reported to have muttered “oh f–k, oh f–k” for another minute and a half as he mentally prepared to squish the home invader with a handful of toilet paper, an action he would compliment with yet another scream.

This small, easily startled inner self was nowhere to be found at Monty’s, as the biker aggressively turned towards Berkeley, stating, “if you got a problem son, I suggest we handle it like men.” Berkeley squared off with this man clearly much stronger than he and said. “Let’s go, buddy, I’m not afraid of you.” A statement pretty easily put into question by Berkeley’s dealings with a common household pest days prior. Still, Berkeley swung like a man who hadn’t devolved into a panicky mush when the spider scurried towards the drain after his first, failed attempt at squishing it.

Both the bar biker and the very small, harmless arachnid proved worthy foes for Berkeley, who went down after two punches to the former, and called his girlfriend crying after just barely killing the latter.

Man Receives George Michael’s Final Gift, A Heart Transplant. Immediately Gives It Away.

The World- It is with great pain that we have seen a beloved music icon pass away at such a young age. On christmas day we lost George Michael. Yet for one fan, this was a momentous day, he was finally going to receive a fresh heart, not just any heart, but a heart from his favorite musician, George Michael. Yet, for some reason unknown to us, only with 48 hours of receiving this brand new heart, the fan decided to give it away to another person in need. We spoke with Jared Nelson about his rash decision.

” You know, I couldn’t even tell you how excited I was when I heard that I was receiving a brand new heart from one of my biggest idols of all time! The chance, the timing, everything seemed perfect, but I can’t quite explain it, after having his heart in me for only a couple of hours, it just didn’t feel like the way I thought it would. I guess the idea of loving George Michael, was better than actually loving George Michael.

Jared gave away his George Michael heart to a young boy who was quoted saying that Jared will always be a “Fathe figure” to him.

This story is a %100 real.

Dirty Grandpa #1 Movie Of The Year According To Coworker You Respected Just 24 Hours Before

 

“It’s really funny” said Jeff from Accounting and that was all he had to say to know that this was the last time you would be having drinks with him after work. Which really sucks because he was the only one close in age with you. “Now what?” You think. “Am I going to have to become friends with Dale? That guy is 50 and only talks about his Cats. He refers to them as his little rays of sunshine?” Dale is the poster child for Zoloft.

You drive home still disappointed in Jeff. “How could he do this to me? I trusted his opinion before. HE HELPED ME PICK OUT MY WIFE’S RING!” As soon as you put your key in the door you realize, “Wait. I have never actually seen Dirty Grandpa.”

“Surely it cannot be as bad as the previews” says the voice in your head grasping at straws to hold you and Jeff’s relationship together. You decide that tonight, after the kids are asleep, you will sneak out of bed, and into your study to watch Bad Grandpa, wearing headphones and with your iPad screen at 2% brightness, so no one can catch you watching this “Zack Efron trash.”

 

You did it. You watched the whole thing. The entire movie that you never gave a chance. You sit in quiet reflection.

“Did I like that movie or am I just convincing myself that I liked the movie for Jeff’s sake?” You think back on Robert Dinero’s acting as an elderly man coping with the death of his wife from cancer, and his inner turmoil from the War by acting Dirty. “Is this really his best work since Raging Bull? Did I just have that thought? Can I even tell anyone I thought that?”

While asking yourself these questions you realize it is already 6:00am and time to go to work. You sit down at your cubicle, and there he is, Jeff. Oh sweet Jeff. You look into his eyes as he walks toward you carrying his “Don’t Talk To Me Until I Have Had At Least 4 Of These” mug, and you realize… This guy absolutely sucks, that movie sucked, and you not only have wasted your time watching it, but wasted your life at this dead end job, with these dead end people.

You ask yourself: “What Would Dirty Grandpa Do?” And that’s when you take a big steaming shit on the office floor and ruin your credibility. “Just like Robert Dinero” you think to yourself as you are escorted out of the building.

Man Who Found Parking Spot At Glen Edith Coffee, Clearly Works With Satan

Rochester,NY- Today at exactly 12:35 pm, Josh Haines drove over to Glen Edith Coffee house and found a parking spot in the parking lot. We understand if you need to read this again, we know it’s very hard to believe. What was thought to be the unthinkable has actually happened. We have come to believe that this man has ties to the eternal hellfire being known as “Satan”. How else could he have found a parking spot in a parking lot that is known to the locals as “Why the hell does this place have only like six parking spots, they’re clearly a popular coffee shop and they need to expand and I f***ing hate park avenues bullshit side street parking rules”. We have some accounts for eyewitness on the scene.

“I was walking past Glen Edith and I could not believe it, this guy just randomly pulls into the parking lot and BAM, he f***ing parks?! Like are you serious? I come to this place all the time and not once can I found a spot and this asshole just randomly finds a spot! Finding a parking spot at Glen Edith is like going a day on Facebook without seeing Donald Trump! It’s impossible!”

Other eye witnesses have recounted a different story, Lauren Jones tells her story of this miracle man.

“I saw this guy in his car and right next to him in his passenger seat was Satan! I swear he was wearing a tight black hoodie and smoking an e-cig, I think I also saw him wearing some sort of fitted beanie. Satan really isn’t what I expected him to be, the only thing that gave him away was his giant horns, but besides that he kind of just looked like another douchebag hipster”

Was it Satan? Lord of the underworld, or just another dirty f***ing hipster! Who knows! Our next story

 “Will Joe Bean ever be confident enough to leave that dirty f***ing warehouse they’re still in?”

 

Rochester Red Light Law To Be Replaced By Homeless Guy Yelling At You As You Drive By

Rochester,NY- Mayor Lovely Warren has just announced that the very controversial red light ticket program will now be replaced by a group of homeless men from Monroe avenue just standing at the corner of the streets waiting for pedestrians to drive by to scream verbal insults and if it is appropriate, racial insults. We spoke with the leader of the pack, he asked him to just call him “Buddha”. This is what Buddha had to say about the new program.

” Well, ya know. The old program just wasn’t working, people were not getting how their reckless driving was ruining everyone’s life . Sure, they got some fancy ticket in their mail, but that didn’t stop them. So were really hoping this new approach will set these people straight. So whenever we see someone driving through a yellow light, we’ll yell stuff like “slow down faggot” or “Honda civics are for pussies”. Sometimes for good measure one of the boys will make sure to throw an old pair of underwear at windshield. Some people don’t agree with our tactics, but I have to say its been pretty effective. Just the other day this colored fella tried driving thru a four-way stop and we able blow out two of his tired with a piece of plywood and some industrial thumbtacks, then we dragged him out of the car and pepper sprayed him. I dont think he’ll be breaking any traffic violations.”

When asked if their methods were also breaking the law homeless Joe just replied with this.

” The way I see it, Miss lovely warren is paying us in subway cards with over 75 points for a free foot long, she might as well gave us homeless men the key to the city with an offer like that.”