Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
“I can’t catch a break” Said Klara Hitler, mother of 6 month old Adolf.
“I don’t know what exactly he did to deserve this, I mean that one time he spit up on our new rug, but I don’t think that warrant this amount of attempted assassinations.”
Like clockwork, every night at around 6pm Klara says a different man in a shiny jumpsuit materializes in her home and attempts to murder her son.
“At this point it’s just annoying. I mean I barely get any sleep as it is, what with the newborn and all, and now I’ve got to fight off intergalactic time travelers to boot, and they always show up right in the middle of supper, like, come on!.”
Rochester, NY – As the Puerto Rican Festival is underway, attendants are very thrilled with the overwhelming police presence. Over the past several years, it would take hours, sometimes days, for the officers to question and search each attendee. One member of the proud PR community, Jonnie Reyes was happy that he was detained and searched only a short 2 hours after entering the festival.
“Typically we can’t start really having fun until the police are comfortable and have searched everyone.” Jonnie, a 35 year old Monroe High School Graduate and ten year Puertorican Festival goer. “Last year my family and I weren’t even questioned on the first day. So we had to make the return trip the next day to make sure Officer Broman knew we were “One of the good ones” as he would say to us. We love making sure white people feel safe around anything that they aren’t use too.”
Due to the increased police support at this years festival, searchings and residential inquiries were over by the 2pm on the second day of the festival. Rochester Police officers felt comfortable and welcomed by the community. Only 3 meetings were scheduled to remind officers that Puerto Ricans are US citizens.
Rochester,NY- James Lynfield always knew he was strong, with constant compliments being tossed his way by his mother and aunts, he knew he was special. So when he returned home from a quick trip to wegmans, he saw a challenge presented to him. He had thirteen bags of groceries in his car, could he successfully carry them up in one trip to his apartment. James put all of his strength together and to his astonishment he pulled it off. With this new found confidence, James has now set his sights on a bigger challenge. He has set to face off against God tomorrow. We were able to get an exclusive interview with God and how he has taken this challenge.
“You know, I blessed people with different things, I knew when I made James that I was giving him supernatural strength, I guess I never expected it to backfire on me. I have to admit I am a little bit nervous, he had a bag filled with five jars of tomato sauce and he picked it up with ease! I mean, I know I can move mountains and what not, but come on, thats pretty impressive. Either way, We’ll see how this plays out.”
Editor’s note: It seems that James has suffered a fatal heart attack only moments before the big showdown.
Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.
In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.
But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.
“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”
“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.
The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.
Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.
RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.
Rochester,NY- “The West Coast of New York” – If you haven’t learned about Rochester’s new amazing decision. The people in charge of making this decision, made this decision. To help promote the cities finest cuisine (albeit the best damn thing you could ever put in your mouth with your clothes on) the Rochester Red Wings will be changing their baseball team name to the Rochester Plates. At least have the pride to take ownership in the authentic rich heritage in calling the Garbage Plate a reduction of its identity.
Shocked by the decision to change this conglomerate of the sports industry into the heart and soul of your dear, (albeit, i’m defending the word ‘garbage’) town. WE ARE GARBAGE AND WE ARE PROUD. In solidarity, Restaurants all across the city will be changing the title ‘Garbage Plates’ on all of their menus into ‘Rochester Red Wings” to both distance the brand from the team, and remind them that they are garbage simultaneously.
But real quick good game against Pawtucket. I don’t remember a lot of the game but at least I can look forward to barfing on a Garbage Plate both literally and on the embroidery of the shirt I wish I wasn’t going to buy but am still glad I did.
Brendan Vize is a one time contributor to “The Inner Loop” blog and we will be replacing him as soon as humanly possibly.
Rochester,NY- Local chemex has grown accustomed to pain, constantly having gallon after gallon of hot water slowly being poured on it day in and day out. Yet, now with an introduction of a tight leather band around its neck, it seems as if the chemex is growing accustomed to pain and even finding it somewhat, pleasurable. We spoke with it to see how this came to be.
” You know, there was a time where I just hated every morning, hot water being poured all over me, being filled up with coffee and then just as quickly being poured out. I felt used, yet now I find myself enjoying some of this behavior. My owner recently just purchased this leather band, which he says is for making sure he doesn’t drop me. I know its to just remind me of the bad little coffee-making bitch I am. I love the way it feels around my neck, I hope he steps up his game next time and stops being a little bitch and really chokes the shit out of me”