Category Archives: The Inner Loop

“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.

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Black Neighborhoods to Create Law Keeping Militia Against New Violent Gang Called “The Police”

Rochester, NY- Several of the poor and ethnically african-american neighborhoods of our city have decided to band together and create a peace-keeping militia, sources say.

After brutal and unprompted attacks across the country by a new and vastly organized gang, neighbors decided that enough was enough, and became arming themselves against these new attackers, as well as to self-police their own areas.

“Honestly, we were just sick of all the crime,” Says Jordan DeMatt, a rochester local, “These guys show up flashing little badges they get after joining the gang and demanding entry into your house, or they follow you down the street and force you to pull over then demand money from you, we were just sick of having no one to enforce the law”

The militias, mostly non-violent community groups, take an approach of understanding and empathy with their law-keeping.

“We usually have a set code per neighborhood, depending on the specific needs of the area. Mostly just common sense stuff, ‘do unto others’ and all that. We also make sure its all local people, no bringing in people from other towns.” Says DeMitt, motioning to his militiamen, dubbed The Monroe Ave. Peacekeepers, “If you have transplants in the force then you get people reacting to totally different problems than their used to with a heightened prejudice, can’t be having that.”

But what was the need for this new peacekeeping initiative? Damien Lockheed of the Confederation of Clinton Ave. offers this explanation,

“We got these guys all dressed in blue with military gear, gang signs on badges, open carry pistols on them at all times, and connections to every judge, lawyer, jailhouse, and governmental office. Hell, you see politicians openly supporting these gang members, having their motorcycle chapters guard their motorcades, footmen in their public parades, and their pushers flat out ruin anybody who tries to sell on their turf. It’s ridiculous. Top of that, they can break into your home, your car, take family members, steal your property and everyone seems to turn a blind eye. It’s an invasion is what it is, and we need people actually working to enforce the law in this country.”

To combat this, public peace militias have advised anyone who identifies as a Person of Color or below a certain income bracket to avoid these gang-bangers at all costs, as they are said to be the favored targets of the gang.

Lockheed says, “They already been killing people in the streets, they drive modded cars just so they can harass you if you break their turf rules into paying their organization. Its criminal, and we ain’t standing for it.”

More public members and political officials known to be  connected to this gang activity have refused to comment, specifically on the matters of murders, harassment, illegal entry, illegal search and seizure, kidnapping, assault, and unlawful imprisonment.

5 Ways The Silent Disco Can Save Your Marriage

Rochester, NY-  Fringe Festival is upon us and it is the season of the arts! As well all know art is subjective, people can take a life changing experience from a piece of art or they can walk away feeling nothing! The silent disco is by far one of the most popular events at the fringe festival, for good reason! Its fun, its crazy and its different! Yet did you know that the silent disco can actually save your failing marriage? Dont trust us? Listen to these 5 reasons the silent disco can save your marriage.

1) You Can Say Passive Aggressive Comments- Need we say more? While your significant other is rocking out to George Michael’s “Careless whisper”, you can mouth to them how much you hate their nasty snoring habit! Or maybe let them know you threw out their favorite shirt in a fit of rage! Anything goes! They can’t hear you!

2) You Can “Accidentally” Knock Them To The Ground- Oh! I’m sorry! Were you doing the electric slide? I was listening to the Cha Cha slide is what you will say after you knock your significant other to the ground! Didnt that feel great? You’ll both laugh it off, but now you can finally put behind the fact they never close the bathroom door all the way! Success!

3) You Can Forget About The Kids, Seriously Forget Them-  Headphones and nagging wives are the ultimate sound blockers. When you can’t hear anything, its kind of hard to remember anything. Sure you brought the kids, but where are they now? They stare at their Ipad all day and forget about you, it’s about time you do it to them. Who cares if you’re kinds are getting in strangers van! I want candy just came on and you have to dance!

4) Tell Them You Want A Divorce- What a better time to live out that fantasy of leaving your significant other than when they can’t hear you! Make it interesting and drop to one knee as if you’re trying to be funny! The just rip into them about how sad this marriage makes you and you’re just not happy anymore!

5) Commit To A Year Round Silent Disco- You’ve experienced the silent disco at its finest and now you want more. This is a great time to sit down with your partner and let them know that you think you want to commit to a year round silent disco and not speak or hear from eachother for a whole year! This will do wonders for your marriage!

We hope you’ve enjoyed this! We hope everyone can make it to the silent disco this year!

*Editors Note*

Every member at the Inner Loop are still single.

 

Guy Who Never Pays For Netflix Feels Like A God Among Men

Rochester,NY- David Chester has always enjoyed television. He remembers the days of cable TV and the endless possibility that it presented. Yet nothing could prepare David for the days of streaming television. David has conquered more than fifty seasons of popular TV shows within only  a year span. He accomplished all of this without having to pay even one cent towards anything. That’s right, David Chester has not paid for his Netflix subscription. EVER. How did David do this exactly you ask? We spoke with him to get the full scoop.

” It all started when I moved in with my college roommate, he gave me his Netflix account information one time so I could watch some Futurama while I was baked. Ever since then he just forgot that he loaned me that information, now I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want and with whoever I want! I am not some poor soul who is trapped into $8.99 payments a month! No I am a king, I can afford the finest wines and the best food! All while another peasant of mine pays for my pleasure!”

We asked David if he was able to watch other streaming services such as Hulu, amazon prime or HBOGO for free as well. His response was this.

“There are other things to watch television on besides Netflix? Fuck!”

At this point David flew off into the air on his jet pack from clearly saving boatloads of money every month unlike us everyday assholes, who, you know. Pay for Netflix.

Rochester Officials To Introduce A Year Round Cringe Festival

Rochester, NY-  As we all know, the infamous “Fringe Festival” is approaching. It is a time where the art scene slowly takes over the city of Rochester and we consider things like the silent disco to be art. When did putting on headphones and walking around like an idiot become art? I mean seriously, when It did it become cool for people to listen to Michael Jackson on one channel and Elton John on the next one! In honor of Fringe Festival, Rochester officials have announced that they will be introducing a year round Cringe Festival! Here at the Inner Loop we have been fortunate enough to announce a few of the events at the cringe festival!

 

  1. College Town “Ghost” Tour- The College town ghost tour will take 10-15 lucky people on a “spooky” tour of college town and check out all the abandoned buildings of once supposedly thriving  business’s!! Scary stuff! The tour will end with a five-minute moment of silence for every business that thought they would last.
  2. The Blindfolded Park ave-Monroe Ave 5k– Experience a 5k like you’ve never experienced before! During this 5k we will run through the beautiful streets of Park Avenue and right when were on the threshold of approaching Monroe Avenue we will throw on our city official blindfolds so we don’t have to experience the horror of poverty and homelessness!  A fun time for the whole family!
  3. The Inner Loop Charades– Now that the Inner loop has been filled with dirt, we can only imagine what the city is going to put in its place! Apartment Complexes? Pawn shops? Pawn shops in apartment complexes! Who knows! Come join this fun activity as we play a game of charades and act out what we think will fill the inner loop! We know its going to be great!
  4. The Cracked Pavement Money Grab– Take your chance in as we throw two pounds of locally sourced honey on you and throw you in a tube of dollar bills! Every single dollar that sticks to your body will be used to fund construction work for all the badly damaged roads! We aim to raise at least fifty dollars!

These are just some of the fun activities you can hope to see at this upcoming years Cringe Festival! We are so excited to see all of you out there this year! Also, don’t forget if you live in Rochester, the Cringe Festival is always around! It will never go away!

Webster Man Determined To Find Something Fun To Do Tonight

Webster,NY- Jeremy Lyles has been a resident of Webster for over twenty years. Webster is a nice town to live in, raise your kids, drive by a McDonald’s twice on your way home. Yet, damn if it isn’t a town to find some fun in. Webster is a town where Stephen King would write a story about a man going crazy and killing cats or some shit. Jeremy was sick of going to Walmart with his kids and having them scuba dive through the five dollar bin to find die hard two, no matter how much fun that game was. Jeremy shared his thoughts with us on how hard fun is to find in Webster.

“You know, it’s the same old routine day in and day out, I drive through Webster, fight off my suicidal thoughts, get home to the kids, fight off the suicidal thoughts some more and then go to bed. Not anymore, I refuse to live that life anymore. Tonight, even if it cost me my life, I swear I am finding something enjoyable to do in Webster. I refuse to spend another dollar at the AMC movie theater! I am paying fifteen dollars to just fall asleep on my couch! Webster has to have something to do that doesn’t involve thinking about suicide! I swear I’m going to find it! Maybe the kids and I could walk down the street since sidewalks are non-existent! Walking in traffic is fun, right guys?!?”

The Inner loop staff did some detective work of their own and tried to find something fun to do in the town of Webster. Here is a list of things we found somewhat enjoyable.

  1. Peoples pain
  2. Dead trees
  3. More pain
  4. Abbots 
  5. Dead people in Walmart
  6. Abbots to cover up the pain
  7. Rust

Sadly, The Inner Loop lost one of our own to suicide during this detective work. Sometimes trying to find fun has a very steep price.

5 Signs Prince Is Really Still Dead

Rochester, NY- Musicians come and go. In a time where any person can have an “album release party”, it’s very difficult to truly know who is a real artist and who is just some asshole who wont stop sending you Facebook event invites. We lost a real artist, a man who can never be replaced and for this I mourn deeply. Here are 5 signs that The artist formerly know as Prince is no longer with is.

 

1) Every skyscraper is still fucking purple- Death is hard enough to deal with on your own. So every time I want to look at that gorgeous skyline and see those fucking purple neon lights on the side of every building, REMINDING ME OF THE FACT I’LL NEVER SEE PRINCE PERFORM LIVE EVER AGAIN!

2) Little red corvette has been my ringtone for six months- IT IS THE GREATEST SONG EVER MADE AND TO WAKE UP TO IT LITERALLY MAKES MY SOUL CRY WITH PAIN.

3) I googled is prince dead still and it said yes- So apparently google is god now and can just tell me that prince is dead and is never coming back, no matter how many small goats I sacrifice and no MATTER HOW HARD I PRAY!

4) I bought a little red corvette and burned it- I may have read in this “witchcraft” book that if you destroy items in a fire that were somehow connected to the deceased, it could possibly call his soul back into this realm and we could capture it, forcing dead prince to make a new album!

5) He stopped returning my phone calls- Prince and I were on a first name basis and he totally took my calls and it wasn’t my mom I was calling asking me if I was off my meds. Prince and I were best friends and I know that the only reason he would never return my calls is because he was dead. Obviously.