It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.
However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “Fuck” word as they ran through the streets.
“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”
Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.
With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.
So you’ve matched with someone you kinda sorta find mildly attractive in a weird way on Tinder, awesome!
But wait…where do you go? You’ve already been to every bar on Park Ave, Monroe Ave, and even that one time you thought Murphy’s Law might be okay (it wasn’t). So where do you take this woman you will surely never see again except on another date at one of those bars? The answer is the following 5 places, where you’ll never have to worry about running into a previous date:
Wintonaire – Okay so this place is pretty divey, but it’s on the outskirts of the city and there’s barely anyone there ever because it’s terrible and the parking sucks. It’s pretty much an awful bar with no redeeming qualities but the same could be said about you mister serial dater, so just accept your fate and take your hopeless dates to somewhere that really reflects the true sadness that is meeting people online.
Wintonaire (again) – Wait What? Wintonaire again? Yes. Just take the next date to Wintonaire too. Who gives a shit? It’s not going to go well, you’re still thinking about why your ex left (it was probably the self hatred) and you don’t even know this chick’s name.
Wintonaire – Listen man, this is your 3rd date in 3 days. This chick openly told you her family denies the holocaust. You don’t have to even try to get her to come back to your place. But you wanna get drunk and the drinks aren’t expensive here. Also you’re not even going to try to sleep with her because you just wanna go home and get high. Why’d you do this?
Wintonaire – Fuck it. 4 dates in 4 days. You have checked out completely. There’s no reason to even date anymore. Pretty sure this one is actually a drag queen. The Wintonaire bartenders now know you as “that guy who keeps coming in with different sadder women.” You go home after and don’t even have the energy to masturbate.
Wintonaire – Tell your friends goodbye. Tell them you started online dating as a joke and somewhere along the line you became the punchline and now you’re on your 5th date in 5 days and you can’t even remember what liking someone feels like. You just want to feel anything. You just told this woman how exciting it would have been to die in 9/11. Order the pizza logs, eat them in front of your date while openly crying. Ask for a second date at the Wintonaire.
Rochester, NY- Nick Tahou’s is the place where it all happens. Its been all over the news, its known nationwide for its famous garbage plate’s. You’re friends love it, your co-workers love it and even that bitch step mom of yours loves it. Yet, there’s always this feeling you can’t shake when you’re in there. Maybe its the decor or the smell of greasy soul sucking food sneaking its way into your nostrils. You cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach…is Nick Tahou’s actually a homeless shelter? We’ve been doing some investigating and we have all the signs you need to realize that your favorite 2am hangout spot, is actually a refuge for the homeless people you could give two shits about.
- It’s homeless Pete’s favorite hangout spot- Everybody loves homeless Pete! Who wouldn’t! He laughs, he sings and he’s survived 3 winters in Rochester! Yet, every time you’re at Nick Tahou’s, homeless Pete is always hanging in the same corner smoking a cigarette and throwing half filled red bull cans into his garbage can fire pit. Sure, everybody is welcome at Nick Tahou’s, but why the homeless?
- Every booth is covered by tarps- Sure, you’re drunk, but you’re not an idiot. You know those tarps aren’t there for a leak in the roof. The homeless never feel safe from rain and they will always put tarps up no matter where there at. It’s just who they are. When you ask the older looking teenager behind the counter whats going on, he ask you if you want to donate blood.
- The garbage plate has been replaced by morphine– I’m all for change and improving on things, but when I’m shit faced at 9am, I want a nice hot garbage plate right in front of my face. Not some judgmental nun telling me that I need to calm down or else I’m going to bleed to death, what kind of country is she trying to run?
- Someone is always offering a hand job- Maybe this isn’t something to complain about, but can’t a guy just eat some food in peace without some weirdo offering him a handjob? I dont have 5 bucks to spare, but I have 1 can of 4loco left in my backpack, isnt that good enough for a hand job?
- The police say this is part of the court order– Your halfway down the street, you can almost taste sweet freedom, sure that weird bracelet on your ankle wont shut the fuck up, but who cares! Then the police pull up and take out their shiny bullet launchers and drag you back to Nick Tahou’s. “If you leave again, you’ll spend time in the pen.” they say.
I know its only 1986 but Nick tahou’s has really changed. I remember the days when a regular guy like myself could grab a garbage plate and be on his way. If you like being verbally abused and the smell of homeless people, then by all means go to Nick Tahou’s, but if you’re a sane time traveling being like myself, you’ll go down the street to dogtown.
Rochester, NY- Well boys and girls, there is some news and it is good! All signs are pointing to the fact that on Monroe Ave. we may be getting a Blockbuster Video Store! The franchise may have seen some rough days since Netflix and Hulu took over the online streaming market, but here’s 5 signs that we’re definitely getting the one stop shop for all video rentals!
- There is a building with “Blockbuster” on it: Listen, it may sound obvious, but step #1 to opening a Blockbuster Video is to get a building and name it Blockbuster Video. With it’s amazing selection of movies old and new, it’s not hard to see that the new location will service anyone who still has a VHS or DVD player.
- The Amount of Stabbings in the Area have Plateaued: You can’t stab who you can’t find, amirite? Due to the massive surge in excitement of this new Blockbuster Video, everyone is most likely digging their old VHS decks and spending time sitting their kids down and hitting them for abandoning DVD’s, then going around Monroe Ave. stabbing each other.
- I think there aren’t any crack heads in that building any more?: It may just be because the building appears to look like it was on fire since 2002, and the Blockbuster Video letters are greasily and permanently scarred into the side of the building, but the inside looks pretty clean!
- My ex-girlfriend banned me from her Netflix account she let me use when we were together: Listen, the road of romance is a guess-and-check kind of journey, and it doesn’t always work out; like when that scum bitch Melissa dumped me for being too “emotionally negligent” and “refusing to take my anti-psychotics”. Anyway, the massive selection of Blockbuster Video will keep me warm and cozy while that awful scum hole of a woman re-thinks the mistake she made with her new boyfriend, Brian.
- The Monroe Ave. Location makes so much sense!: When planning out your locations, it really helps to be at one of the biggest intersecting streets in the Rochester area! That and it’s only a few blocks away from the apartment that Melissa and I shared before she betrayed me and decided that our love wasn’t “mutually felt” and that I was “neglecting to care for her emotionally and expecting her to support me both emotionally and financially”. Such a central location means that you can make multiple stops during a day long shopping run, like going to the Blockbuster so that you can walk by your ex-and-should-be-current-girlfriends house and not seem suspicious.
Listen, we all have our Demons, but I’m sure that this new Blockbuster will really improve the hustle and bustle in the Monroe Ave. area! VHS is making a comeback, and I will use this comeback to prove to that slippery bitch Melissa that I am not a “Man-Child” who “clings to the past”, but a strong-strong man who can definitely and without question please her both emotionally and sexually.
Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.
“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”
Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.
“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”
“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.
No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.
Henrietta, NY- Day 3 of the bloody battle continues. As we walked around the mass grave site filled with former LaserTron and Dave & Buster employees, it’s quite evident that this is a war that will continue for decades. Dave & Busters Regional Manger Jacob Riddley roams the battlefield looking for any his own wounded or to put some LaserTron employees out there misery. Jacob walks over to a LaserTron employee crawling along the ground, covered in blood. Jacob flipped the boy over, “Please, just let me go, I have to finish high school.” The sound of a gun shot silenced the boy.
Jacob leaned down and picked up a LaserTron card from the dead boys pocket.”They think they can corner the market on overpriced adult arcades? This will not stand! We will own this land! We will be the only ones to offer cool cup holders with our name on it! This is our land! We are Dave! We are Busters!” The crowd of Dave & Busters employees cheered and threw their D&B power-cards in the air.
Jacob took out his battle-axe and chopped off the head of the LaserTron employee. “I want their heads on spikes in every corner of this plaza!”
We spoke to Daisy Cooper, a former LaserTron employee turned Dave & Busters employee about how she felt being on the other side. “You know I never really thought I would ever find myself on this side of the war, but LaserTron really fucked me over, I just wanted to have a Saturday night off for karaoke night, but they told me I should have wrote it in the time off book earlier in the week, so I quit and killed my manager.”
“Were sure this war is going to rage for a while, we just don’t understand how people dont think were cooler than them, we have a virtual reality game, I mean come on.” Jacob said.
We took a poll to see how the people of Rochester felt about this war. 70% said they could literally give less of a shit, 20% said war what is it good for? and 10% said “Shit, there goes my weekend plans.”
Rochester, NY- Shaking her head in despair, Jessica Kindel looks at her bank account on her iPhone, she just doesn’t understand why she’s broke all the time. “It seems that whenever my friends want to go out, I can never go!” she said as she finished her 15 dollar box of gluten-free Cheetos.
Jessica has been a strictly gluten-free shopper since 2008, “I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy for making such a drastic change to my lifestyle, but they just don’t understand how gluten affects me.” When asked how gluten effected her she replied ” I don’t know, but I know it’s not good.”
Jessica admitted to us that she understood the risk of never really enjoying life again or expendable cash once she switched to a completely gluten-free diet, but she knows that it’s a commitment she needs to stick to or else her friends will just think its a phase. “My friends are always talking about money as if they only don’t spend it on food, how can anybody really afford anything else but food?” Jessica said
We followed Jessica around as she was shopping at a local Trader Joes. Jessica’s phone started to buzz, “Moments like this are the toughest.” Jessica said. “My friends just asked me if I want to come over for a board game night, but I know I’m going to spend at least 20 minutes deciding if I want the 13 dollar jar of peanut butter or the 15 dollar one and then I have to go home and try to convince my boyfriend that I actually have a gluten-free allergy.”
Jessica put her phone on silent and continued down the gluten-free aisle of Trader Joes, never to be heard from again.