Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Local Man Steps Over Police Brutality Victim To Catch A Pikachu

Rochester, NY- The streets of east end were filled with the passionate protest of the “Black Lives Matter” movement. The protestors were there to make a point and to passionately express the injustice happening in our country. Yet, Alex Gibbons had other plans that day. Alex just recently downloaded the PokemonGO app that is sweeping the nation by storm. Alex just had one thing on his mind friday night. He had to catch a Pikachu or die trying. Alex had been told that there was a small possibility of catching the rare and mysterious Pikachu on east end, so with only 30% battery left and a PBR in one hand. He trekked down east ave and into the middle of the protest. We spoke with Alex to see how this story unfolds.

” The minute PokemonGO was released I knew the only thing that mattered was getting my very own Pikachu. For the most part all I had been catching all day was Pidgeys, my buddy texted me and asked me if I wanted to join him in the protest later that evening. I said no way because I don’t like to get involved in things that would make me seem like im a passionate or caring guy. Then I found out a Pikachu could be down there, I knew something had to be done. I had to be the one to catch it.”

Alex traveled into the very heart of the protest, completely unfazed by the movement happening around him.

“I knew I couldn’t let them affect my mission. I understand horrible crimes are happening around the country, but do those people understand this has been my dream since I was eleven years old? To actually kind of own my very own Pikachu on cellphone? People getting shot is bad, no doubt, but I can’t let anything stop me.”

As the night continued the police arrived and that’s when things got dangerous, the Rochester police department started arresting the protestors.

“I knew this was the perfect moment to go in, I saw that Pikachu was only two paw steps away from my location, I just had to time it right. And that’s when it happened, I saw this police officer start to attack a completely innocent protestor and I leaped over her to grab Pikachu, it took me a couple of tries, but I got her!”

Alex walked away from the streets completely unscathed and it having nothing to do with being white and not caring about other people.

*Editors Note*

Here at the InnerLoop we are all on team Mystic and believe anyone else on any other team deserves to die a very painful death.

#LOVEFORALL

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Rochester Officals Unable To Find Indian Burial Ground to Build Casino On

 

Rochester, NY-  Love it or hate it, a casino is coming to Rochester. The casino has caused quite the divide among many Rochesterians, but there is a major issue that has been plaguing the officials of Rochester for some time. Any corrupt politician knows that a casino must be built on an Indian burial ground for it to truly grasp the heart of the city and curse anyone who enters it. We spoke with mayor Lovely Warren to get her take on this situation.

” I know the people of Rochester are scared of things they don’t understand. They should put their fears to rest. Here at city hall, all the officials of Rochester are very familiar with evil spirits and building things on top of cursed ground. I mean Collegetown was built right on top of the poor community and look how things are going there!”

While many people are opposed to the idea of the casino, they’re are many others who actually think that the casino could be the best thing to ever happen to Rochester. We spoke with local psychic Angela (last name unknown) to see what her thoughts are.

” I think the casino will bode well for the city of Rochester,  but at a very high price! It will probably cost them millions of dollars for the construction and that’s not including labor cost or what if bad weather hits, they have to think about this stuff before they begin such a huge task.”

We asked her what she thought about possibly building it on top of an Indian burial ground.

” Just build it anywhere, I mean our whole country was built on Indian ground by slaves and people don’t ever talk about that or care. The only reason people care about Indian burial grounds is because they made a movie about a white girl who got abducted through a tv set by a ghost. Fucking ridiculous.”

*Editors Note*

For people who are sensitive, please replace the word Indian with Native American and the word fuck with hugs and kisses for all genders.”

 

5 Signs The Jazz Festival Is Actually A Mass Suicide Event

Rochester, NY- Every year the jazz festival comes upon Rochester like a hurricane on Florida…during hurricane season or whatever. The jazz festival walks into our lives like a bitchy ex-girlfriend who says “Were over”, but then gets drunk and keeps texting you every night and fucking with your emotions like some giant teddy bear who just says “Yeah, sure come over, my heart ISN’T RIPPED INTO NOTHING!” Moving on, I think the jazz festival is a giant cover up, are people really there to enjoy the sweet sounds of jazz? Or are they there to commit a giant mass suicide to be joined with the lord of light!

1) They want to hear jazz music–  Okay, this is a giant sign that this is a mass suicide. I mean who in their right mind actually takes time out of their day to listen to jazz music? Jazz music was specifically created for suicide or something like that. Isnt jazz music just people complaining about their lives while blowing into some sort of pipe instrument?

2) Old people are everywhere– Nothing is more a dead giveaway to a giant mass suicide then old people gathering together. I mean every morning at McDonald’s I see old people everywhere and you know what I see the next day on the news? You guessed it, an old people mass suicide! Old people pretty much don’t have anything else to live for besides the sweet sounds of death.

3) The ghost of Louis Armstrong is there– I’m not really a spiritual guy, but I have to admit it’s pretty cool to see the ghost of Louis Armstrong doing something, I mean he’s totally wandering around screaming non-sense about the afterlife and how he needs to swallow the souls of the unworthy or whatever bullshit.

4) My ex-girlfriend loves jazz– If this reason isn’t more obvious that people who listen to jazz music are self-destructive than I don’t know what is. I mean we could have had a great relationship, we could have been something great! But no! That bitch had to ruin everything! I WISH SHE WOULD OF LISTENED AND JUST TRIED TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP!

5) The hot dog vendor ran out of food– Boom. That’s the final nail in the coffin if you ask me, I mean I’ve personally never thought about suicide, but when I’m a little bit tipsy off of some sangria a man in a top hat offered me and then I can’t even get a good hotdog anywhere. Yeah, I’ll take a knife to my throat along fifty other complete strangers.

5 Lessons in Love I Learned From Jurassic Park

Advice on romance can come from strange places. Often its from a close family member, or a well traveled peer. Love is difficult, and full of twists and turns that you can never really learn until you are in the moment. But other times advice come out of goddamn left field with a switchblade and a lazy eye. This is advice you will heed for the rest of your life, especially because you are pretty sure this advice knows where you live and fed glass to your dog.

After re-watching Spielberg’s timeless film, Jurassic Park, I was blindsided by enlightenment. True, this is a highly praised film about dinosaurs and the hubris of man, and true, I may have drank most of a handle of Tullamore Dew and dropped a couple blotters of high grade acid, but when you peel back the layers you can really see the true message behind it: True Love.

1: Every relationship has a light side that helps mend the dark.

We see an immediate juxtaposition between John Hammond (the philanthropic child at heart who hopes to delight the world) and Ian Malcolm (the cynical bad boy who beleives in the chaos of the world), two central characters in the story. Hammond is always in white, the twilight period of the relationship, while Malcolm is always in black. After Malcolm is injured distracting a Tyrannosaurus, Hammond stays with him to help him heal. This shows that, although adverse circumstances can test and try the lighter side, it will always be there to help mend whatever problems each member of a relationship may have.

2: The Velociraptors are step-dads

 

Every relationship has enemies, and my step dad is the one who ruined my last one. He may not be the biggest threat, he’s no Tyrannosaur, but he is crafty, quick, and very predatory. In order to overcome this obstacle, you kinda just need to run away from it, hide in the kitchen, and lock him in the freezer.

3: Laura Dern will always do what is best for the both of you

 

She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She dug up the bones of friendship and intimacy, and then flew to the island of ancient dreams to live the adventure of love. She will always love you, whether its restarting the power grid or helping attend to the wounded Dr. Malcolm. She is perfection.

4: Fucking Dennis is probably erectile dysfunction because he is a boner holocaust

 

UGGGGHHHHHHH. DENNIS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING. YOU DID EVERYTHING NOBODY WOULD EVER DO. UGGGGHHHHH.

5: The T-Rex represents healthy communication

Yes, John Hammond may have put up the fence as a way of keeping the T-Rex from killing everyone, and it did kill a bunch of people, but heres what else it did: Never attacked John Hammond (The good in every relationship) it injured Malcolm (The bad in every relationship), it took down the largest barrier in the park (showing that, like conversation and openness, it is strong enough to break the walls we put up betweeen each other), and it killed that lawyer, who also looks like my step dad. So always a plus.

Its how we perceive the art that makes it truly speak to us. Every body we talk to will need to overcome a veloci-dad at some point, and lawyers, and fucking shit-butt Dennis. Love is out there, just like dinosaurs. It might be the acid hitting me extra hard, or the full bottle of whiskey, but I love all of you, every day.

 

Time Warner To Change Hold Time From Four hours To Six!

Rochester, NY- The cable giant which is basically a monopoly, sorry! I meant business! Are making a huge announcement which has stunned thousands of customers! Earlier today the CEO of Time Warner, Robert D. Marcus came out and said this.

“The days of waiting on the phone for four hours to speak to a customer service representative are over! We are announcing today that you will now have to wait six hours to speak to someone instead of the usual four! We know what people think about Time Warner and we plan to change that! I will come out and say on the record that this rumor spreading around that the people who work at Time Warner have homes where our staircases are made of cash and eat from plates made of diamond and tears of our customers! These are absurd statements, we would eat from plates made of moon rocks, not diamonds!”

It seems that the response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive from customers,  we spoke with local resident John Anders to just get a sense of how this is going to affect the community.

“I never thought I would see the day where I waited six hours! My entire life has changed, I mean before I could only fit in eating breakfast, going to the bank, making a phone call to my mother, working out at the gym for a couple of hours and then I would finally talk to someone! Now I’ll be able to do so much more with all this spare time, I think I might plan a nice little fishing trip for me and my son, I could spend some time with him. Thank you Time Warner cable for giving me so much time to spend with my son!”

Other residents were not as excited, we spoke with Shelby Cooley who told us how she really felt.

” Are you fucking serious? How is this possibly a good thing? I wait for four fucking hours on the phone for someone to tell me that they can’t do anything about my slow internet, now I have to wait six hours for someone to tell me that?! This is insane and anyone who thinks that this is a “good” thing is a complete idiot! Who are you? The Inner Loop? Who the fuck is the Inner Loop?! You’re not a credible source, why do people listen to you?!”

*Editors Note*

Sadly Shelby Menter disappeared and was never to be found again.

 

Mayor Promises Community Thunderdome by 2020

Rochester, NY- As one of the more celebrated public works projects to come out of Mayor Warren’s office, the community Thunderdome or “The Rochacha Ruckus” is slated to be open to the public by 2020.

Debates are still going on about the decision to include gambling as part of the viewing process, with most arguments leaning towards allowing it. “If we don’t allow gambling legally during the event, then people are just going to make side bets regardless.” Economist Mike Gerard told us, “With events like these, you’re gonna have some big name contenders who are gonna draw a crowd, and with that there is a huge potential for using the gambling as a way to promote community funding through these events.”

What started as an idea to help curb the homeless problem facing the greater rochester area, the idea quickly spread to the common populace. Several school districts have signed up to start providing blood-sport boosters and training facilities for students interested.

“If we wanted to see kids fight, we’d have to tell them some other kid called them a pussy and watch them duke it out in the parking lot after class,” Says Wanda Earlie, teacher at the Honeoye Falls Central School District, “…that meant eating into after-school program and extra-curricular time. With this, we get the best of both worlds, and parents don’t have to worry about their kids reputation if he pussies out and hides under the gym bleachers.”

At the collegiate level, new graduates and under-graduates are finding great success entering post-graduation life by getting involved in the Thunderdome business. Kevin Finnigan, a RIT student, has even made an Iphone app that lets you follow and keep track of the ranks, matches, and vitals on your favorite gladiators:

With this new public works project already under way, among the multitude of volunteers, the poorer communities of Rochester are going to be the first to be drafted into the fight roster, starting early 2019.

Some are worried that middle and upper class contestants will likely have access to better weapons and armor than lower class contestants. “Yes.” says Kardof Lekleskin, High priest of Krom and secretary to the Lord Mayor Warren. “Yes that is definitely going to happen.”

“TWO CITIZENS ENTER” Mayor Warren shouts at the crowd from on top of her Ivory Speech Castle, “ONE CITIZEN LEAVES! SO SAY THE LORD MAYOR” everyone bows to pay respects to the Lord Mayor. Truly this blood sport will bring back the harvest, and surpass all previous bloodsports. Praise be unto Krom.

“I Love Time Warner,” Says Masochist

Rochester, NY – Jim Baker, a resident of Park Ave loves Time Warner Cable. The company provides Internet for almost everyone in Upstate and Central New York. Many of it’s customers have  vocalized various complaints about the company, but Baker is not one of them. We met up with Baker to see why he praises the company.

“I really love Time Warner. It isn’t often a company I patronize aligns so perfectly with my interests,” Baker said.

Those interests Baker is referring to, as I learned in a very uncomfortable half hour, are the sexual practices of Bondage, Submission and Masochism. Baker explained that he derives sexual pleasure from having emotional and physical pain inflicted upon him. He went into extensive detail of this sexual kink of his. Much of his vivid descriptions can’t be repeated in this article.

Eventually, I was able to get the very excited Baker back onto the subject of Time Warner, “Yeah, it is just awesome to be able to interact with a company that is so willingly torturous. I love calling for customer service and being on hold for hours at end. [At this point, Baker went on a tangent about edging that I have chosen to omit].”

Baker went on to explain how he loves how Time Warner treats him like he is lower than dirt. He also said he loves the emotional turmoil he is put in when he has to cancel plans for days on end, not wanting to miss the technician that gave him a 72-hour service window.

“Time Warner is absolutely the company for me, a guy that literally gets off from discomfort and pain,” said Baker as I desperately tried to end the interview.

As I was getting up to go, Baker insisted he showed me a video of his favorite Dominatrix, Colonel Cockcrusher. Luckily, as the video was buffering, Baker’s Internet cut out.