WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”
Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.
“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Fucking Guy With The Chainsaw”).
“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”
The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”
Rochester,NY- As Halloween grows closer, here at the Inner Loop we have been bringing you a day by day countdown of the scariest places in Rochester to go that are completely free! Today coming on our list at #108 is Wegmans frozen food aisle! It gets a 9/10 on the spooky ghost meter! Wegmans as we all know is a giant in the food market industry, but little did you know how scary the frozen food aisle can be!
As you walk down the aisle of a Wegmans frozen food section, beware! You will see families staring upon the dozens of choices of processed meat and cheese products! Do not get to close to them, as these families are infected with what we call “Broken Family syndrome”. These families know nothing of real love or even worse! Real food! They scramble around their house mindlessly staring into their cellphones and ignoring the flesh and blood of those around them! They fill their soulless body with the food made from plastic and melted down Lego bricks! This kind of food is the only sustenance that they can live on!
If you can make it past them you will find another challenge lying ahead of you. The toothless sugar sucking twenty somethings! They only come out after ten o’clock, for their “sugar” fix! They will paw their disgusting hands against the glass looking for the perfect Ben & Jerry’s combination of flavors and disgusting artificial flavors that will sooth their cravings! These creatures are well skilled in the art of “suppressing” their feelings in order to carry on their daily activities.
These are just some of the ghoulish nightmares you will face on your walk down the Wegmans frozen food aisle! Try to survive if you dare! Be warned, not many make it down this section without inevitable facing their doom, or buying a digiorno pizza.
Penfield, NY – “It was just a normal day for all of us,” Remarked Donna Schwibber. Donna was one of MiddValle High’s most promising students. She only smoked pot on Thursdays and Fridays. While serving as Valedictorian with a 3.2 average, she also advocates an extra hour bikini time on her dad’s boat, and raising the minimum allowances to $50 per 1000 Instagram likes.
“I was Messenger chatting with my Social Media Manager and he was saying that if my followers don’t get me trending by next Wednesday, then Jenna Marbles was more likely to present for ‘The Social Media King’ category on the Teen Choice Awards. So I was like ‘Why the fuck is God doing this to me.” She went on to describe the tragic horror that would follow. “Johnny just turned 18. And his mom and dad started fighting again while we were taking set photos with his dad’s DSLR next to their family pool.” That was just the beginning, according to Schwibber – Or Donna Sparklez as she’s known on Twitter and Instagram.
After being publicly accused of sleeping with another assistant at his financing firm, Johnny’s father decided to let his mother ‘Take all of my shit so I can just leave.’ He stepped off of the estate and drove his Porsche 9-11 to their cabin in Crystal Beach. Meanwhile, Johnny’s mother grabbed another bottle White Zinfandel, and told her son and his friends to ‘. . . get in the car because Johnny needs to learn to drive and we’re going to my moms house.’
“I didn’t really know what to do, so I packed up my lighting gear and put it in Johnny’s minivan and asked him to drop me off at my house,” said Tyler Rayban, lighting director that Donna Schwibbers manager highered for her photo shoots. “But then Johnny’s mom threw my cases out of the trunk and put her suitcase in. She said no one was stopping and we’re all going on meet the reaper. So I got in the backseat, popped a couple xannies, and started live tweeting like it was the apocalypse.”
As it turned out, all of the children and Johnny’s mother had accidentally ingested a homogeneous mixture of water and acid. The trip occurred the moment they pulled into Johnny’s grandmothers parking garage and left the minivan running. All information, interviews, and quotes have been taken from set footage, snapchats, and tweets recovered after the deceased were found.
Rochester, NY- As we saw from the shameless display of roundabout question dodging and 4th grade insult tactics, we as Americans are now-in the biblical sense-fucked two ways from Sunday. The one saving grace from the debate were its moderators, Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper, who steered the wrinkly disappointments as well as they could.
In the wake of this national tragedy of politics, it seems as though both moderators have stepped up to the plate, figuratively speaking, and have joined to form a 3rd party platform running in this presidential election.
Raddatz/Cooper 2016 has become a widespread phenomenon, running on the platform of “We’re out of time-” and “can we please just move on?” which has been resonating with voters young and old across the country.
In response, the Clinton and Trump campaigns have both hired other news correspondents as running mates: Clinton desperately trying to scrape up any loose Wolf Blitzers after last month’s Blitzer Diaspora, and Trump hiring Bill O’Riley to accuse children of 9/11ing public education or some other bullshit.
Raddatz has put forward a strong message in her slogan of “we’re out of time,” and recent polls suggest that Anderson Cooper is going to be the most handsome VP in history, bringing a much needed sexiness to the role of America’s weird uncle.
As of now, the next debate is scheduled to be moderated by Clinton and Trump, who will argue the entire time while Raddatz and Cooper sit silently on stage, calmly blowing kisses to the audience for three hours.
Rochester,NY- Donald Trump has said quite the number of things over this past year. From calling Mexicans rapist, to mocking a disabled journalist. As of recently, Donald Trump as of recently found himself in hot water for being caught on tape saying he would “Grab them by the pussy”. Reflecting on this situation, we have come up with five others things Donald Trump should have said instead.
1) Grab them by the hand and take them to a nice dinner and treat them with love and respect.
2) Grab them by the pussy because your their gynecologist and you have a professional obligation to do so and make sure to be respectful about it.
3) Grab them by the pussy, because you’re in the middle of intercourse and you’ve already established an emotional connection with this person and cant wait to talk about it afterwards and how comfortable you were around each other during that experience.
4) Grab them by pussy and let them know you’re not a rapist, you just don’t know how to start small talk.
Rochester, NY- It’s that time of the year again! We know with the holidays coming up that everyone is a bit thin in their wallets or at least they left it at that dive bar because that hooker wouldn’t give them a straight answer. Here at The Inner Loop we have been working hard to provide you with the top 20 list of the best haunted places in Rochester, you can go for free! Number 18 on our list is the AppleBees in Pittsford! We are personally giving 8 out of 10 spooky ghost rating
Nothing says scary like a Wednesday night karaoke night at the AppleBees in Pittsford! Step into the “spooky” dining area to find a fully staffed bar full of zombies! That’s right, watch as the bartender slips into a dull emotionless state of mind as the 10 o’clock happy hour starts to kick in. Look upon the servers, but be careful to not get to close! They are prone to transform into a werewolf like state if you ask them what the specials are to many times!
This Applebees is a fantastic place to take the kids for a scary good time! Just beware the many ghoulish things waiting around the corner! The devilish “food poisoning” is always waiting for anyone who dare orders a hamburger raw!!
Rochester, NY – Next up on our list is a destination sure to raise the hairs on the back of your neck; the restaurant my horrible ex-girlfriend works at. Coming in at 19 on our list, this spooky venue gets 5 out of 10 Spooky-Ghosts on our Inner Loop Scare-O-Meter.
A visit to this creepy locale is a guaranteed fright-fest. Sure the food is good, and the ambiance is pleasing. But you never know when a succubus in a black button up will steal your heart and subsequently rip it out in front of you and eat it with her disgusting teeth that have that gap that you thought was cute once but now can only see as a gross, tiny little black void like the one in your chest.
Prepare to feel true terror when you realize that the restaurant is where all your work friends go for lunch so it’s not like you can just avoid seeing her in her dumb apron flirting with that pothead chef who you are pretty sure she slept with when you guys were together.
For those seeking bone-chilling thrills, this is the place for you. To enhance the nightmareish experience, be sure to text her drunkingly the night before you go.