Albion, NY – “Well dang, if it wasn’t just the worst week ever,” Garret Jacobs of Albion told The Inner Loop Blog. “First, they go bannin’ my favorite flag and then my favorite Nascar racer says he’s calling it quits. What’s next, they gon go and take all da guns outta looney tunes?
Garret was especially distraught because he and his girlfriend were expecting and he had surprised her by painting the nursery ‘rebel flag’ colors. “All I want is for my child to be raised right. Ya know? I want that little sponge of a mind soakin’ in all that imagery so she can grow up to hate other people for no reason too.
When asked if he intended to keep the baby’s room painted that way Garret responded, “Does a bear shit in the woods and then take all the other woodland creature’s jobs so that we got to build a big ol’ wall to keep em’ out?’ We think that means, yes.
Rochester, NY – Much like many of our residents, Magic Hat Brewing has announced they’ve given up on their big-city dreams and that they’re moving into Rochester.
It’s big news for local employer North American Breweries who will be taking them in, but sad news for the Dungeons and Dragons players of RIT who, for one brief moment, thought magic was real.
In a statement they released on their guild chatroom, RIT’s D&D Club warned all of their members to not believe the “fake news” about an “enchanted hat” coming to our city. “It’s just the name of some dumb beer company. It is not a quest item that will give you +10 intellect or any special abilities. In real life, drinking that beer may give you a +10 ability to crap your pants.”
Rochester, NY – The long-dead body of abolitionist Frederick Douglass was dug up for his grave, beaten, and charged with trespassing for being within the gates of Mt Hope cemetery after hours.
The Rochester Police Chief defended the actions claiming that Douglass was resisting arrest by having died over 100 years ago and being 6 feet underground.
Douglass was struck multiple times before being arrested and charged. Police claim that the arrest was not due to skin color as Douglass did not have any skin at the time of the arrest.
Rochester, NY – With the reopening process underway around the Finger Lakes region, it is still unclear when, or if, the Rochester Red Wings will play a 2020 season. Many fans are upset, but the uncertainty has been particularly hard on Dave Martin.
“I really miss going to games with my son,” Martin said, right before shotgunning a Genny. “I don’t get to see him a lot since his mom and I got divorced, and those games have always been special for us.”
Martin’s son, Corey, sees things a little differently. “My dad just gets wasted and harasses the other teams’ pitchers in the bullpen. We end up getting kicked out most of the time, and last year he got a DWI on the way home.”
Dave is remaining optimistic, despite grim predictions from experts. “I hope and pray that a month from now, Corey will be shaking me awake for the seventh inning stretch. I love baseball, I love my son, and I love cold beer.”
ROCHESTER, NY – 86 year old Barry Mariotti is tired of the mainstream media and George Soros working against him to put him in a nursing home against his will.
“It’s that god damn Antifa, which definitely stands for anti family because they have infiltrated my family to force me into a home even though I am very competent and just won’t accept the Jewbama administration trying to poison my oatmeal with gay milk!”
“Black Lives Matter movement is a bunch of malarkey, if they would just stop resisting arrest they wouldn’t be killed.” Mariotti continued as he resisted his heart medications because the nurse is a “Hilary Clinton Benghazi operative”
Rochester, NY – Since the death of George Floyd, there have been numerous protests in Rochester, during some of which the police have been accused of inciting violence. Public opinion of cops is at an all-time low, but the RPD is hoping to change that by holding a “meet and beat” next Saturday.
“It’s going to be a blast,” said officer Ted McGilny, gripping a baton in one hand, and tapping it into the other. “We’re going to show people despite all the turmoil, that together, we can still beat the **** out of crime, hence the name “meet and beat.”” McGilny has one of the best reputations on the force, with only one kill to his name, and he’s quick to tell people “that guy was taking forever to grab his ID.”
You can rub elbows with McGilny, and many more of Rochester’s finest, next Saturday, at 3:00. Liberty Pole. Be there.
Rochester, NY – A local man was fired from his job after a video of him ranting about his shameless love for white hots surfaced online.
The video depicts Pittsford butcher, Frank Weisswurst, declaring white hots as the “master wiener” and labeling all other types of hot dog as “inferior.”
The video quickly went viral and outrage spread across Rochester. Soon the hashtags, #FireFrank and #CancelWhiteHots began trending on all social media platforms.
Community backlash soon led to Mr. Weisswurst being fired from his job. Efforts to ban the sale of white hots in the Rochester are now being considered.
Rochester, NY – As reported by multiple local news outlets, there has been a coronavirus outbreak in Rochester that can be traced back to Dragonfly Tavern on Park Avenue. What the press has been neglecting to report, however, is the abysmal dining experience that COVID-19 had at Dragonfly.
COVID-19 left Dragonfly a one-star Yelp review, along with some scathing comments:
“I ordered a rum and coke that was brought to me by a smelly white man with dreadlocks. I took a sip, and I might as well have been drinking chilled urine. Then it was time for appetizers, and the garlic knots tasted like they were deep fried in diarrhea. I don’t know why, but I stuck around for the entree – the “Dragon Burger,” which appeared to be made from the ground testicles of actual dragons. The only upside was the hot bartender there. I can assure you, though, I will not be back.”
We have yet to reach Dragonfly for comment, but a reliable source told The Inner Loop that owner Rob Henderson has offered COVID-19 a full refund, $50 gift card, and a place to stay, which is actually just the hot bartender.
Rochester, NY – Iron Smoke’s new hand sanitizer has quickly become a favorite amongst germaphobes and liquor connoisseurs alike.
“This hand sanitizer is the best tasting thing to come out of this city.” An expert told the Blog. “It keeps you clean leaves you not being able to taste or smell a damn thing.”
The hand sanitizer recently won first place in a competition against rival drinkable cleaners, including bleach, hand soap and dish detergent.
Rochester, NY- Racial tensions are at an all-time high in the country. Local radio hosts Kimberly & Beck have just been fired for making some unsavory racial comments on the radio. This is not the first time these “shock jocks” have been in hot water due to their comments. We have just found out that in the wake of their being fired, they have now announced they will be offering “Curbside Racial Slurs” for anyone who would like to stop by. This is their official statement on their new service.
“ We know that many Rochester listeners look forward to our daily banter on how people of color should act and why we as a white man and woman should always listen too. So we have decided to now offer curbside racial slurs. What does that entail you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you. First, just make sure to call us when you arrive outside, please be wearing your mask (safety first!). Then when we approach your car. You just tell us what ethnic group you’re having a problem with and we will go on about a 5-10 minute rant of why they suck! This is a free service and we’re more than happy to do it. We just need an outlet to vomit our progressive white opinions.“