Rochester,NY- Today the state of NY celebrated the legalization of Marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo has officially signed the bill off and marijuana will start being legally sold this September. The citizens of Rochester are thrilled by the news and cant wait to start purchasing weed legally. One local man in Greece has expressed his excitement in this news. We reached out to him to get his thoughts.
” You know, I always knew this day would come. I cant tell you how excited I am. I feel like I wont be known as a failure among my family anymore. I’m proud to say that starting today I will be known as an “Young Professional business owner”, instead of “The guy who lives in the apartment duplex who definitely skimps on my bags of weed”. I really feel like life is turning around for me.
Rochester, NY – This past week, while testing the boat for the upcoming season, The Sam Patch ran aground and became stuck in the Erie Canal. Many locals out on the canal were unable to pass including kayakers and canoers. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to hear about what happened.
‘How are we supposed to get all this granola and kombucha we picked up at the market home?, Jefferey Blake of Pittsford told the blog. ‘I’ve got some overnight oats waiting for me at the house and now they’ll be no good! They’re overnight oats, not over day!’
Rochester, NY – Festival organizers announced on Wednesday that the Lilac Festival would be occurring this year however, without live performances. The band, Rusted Root a perennial favorite at the event were shocked by the news.
The Inner Loop Blog caught up with band frontman, Michael Glabicki about the band’s absence from the fest.
‘Yeah man, it really sucks. We’ve been mostly playing bar mitzvahs and children’s birthday parties. The other day we were double-booked with a magician! All we want to do is play a bunch of songs that absolutely no one knows and then close on ‘Send Me On My Way.’ Is that so much to ask?
Rochester, NY – New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo is currently under investigation for harassment allegations by several women. While it appears as though he will be staying put for a while, and that an impeachment hearing could drag on for months, NY legislators have taken some steps to give the women in question some justice.
It was just announced that ‘harassed by Cuomo’ has been added to the list of comorbidities that qualify folks for the current phase of the vaccine. And to give you an the of just how many women are accusing the Governor of misconduct, following the guideline change, there has been a giant boom in female appointments statewide.
“I don’t know if he had a really bad night at SUNY Old Westbury during a speech or something but appointments instantly filled up there,” said one health official.
Cuomo has denied any wrongdoing but is reportedly amazed by how many women are consenting to get injected.
Rochester, NY – With the St. Patrick’s Day parade cancelled for the second year in a row, Rochester man Derek Morgen has decided to try and recapture some of the glory at home.
After trying to figure out what really makes the parade so special, Morgen decided it really comes down to one thing. “Getting hammered drunk while the sun is out and there are children nearby.”
For some reason, Rochester’s St. Patty’s parade has always been an odd mix of drunk 20-somethings that started drinking at 9am and families of young kids who have been sitting out in the cold since 7am trying to get a good spot to watch the mediocre floats.
“I chugged a bunch of Guinness while my neighbors kids were out playing catch,” said Morgen. “It felt just like I was back on Main Street again!”
Rochester, NY – After being overtaken with jealousy with Chicago’s tradition of dying their river green for St. Patrick’s Day, Rochesterians have taken celebrations into their own hands.
For today only, the folks living near the river will just be littering green products into the Rochester waterway. To clarify, this doesn’t mean “green” in the sense that their good for the environment. We’re seeing products with green packaging floating in the river like Sour Cream and Onion bags, Mountain Dew cans, and Applejacks boxes.
The Innerloop Blog reached out to city officials to ask why we do not dye our river green and we were told that scientists have ruled that dye is “far too healthy for the local fish to process through their gills.” Apparently after years of swimming in pollution the local aquatic life needs to have water that’s at least 99% pee and trash.
Fun fact: “99% pee and trash” is also a recent review of the Innerloop Podcast. Check it out at www.Patreon.com/innerloop
Rochester, NY – Frank McCunghis has had an “F*** Cuomo” yard sign and bumper sticker since Governor Andres Cuomo was first elected but now he’s swapped out the sign for a “Believe Women” sign.
The Innerloop Blog reached out to the Webster man to see if the switch was simply a way to reframe his hatred of Cuomo to appeal to his liberal neighbors and McCunghis told us:
“Am I worried about him grabbing my guns more than my privates? Hell yes! But I don’t let my “Hillary Sucks, Monica Swallows” shirt fool you. I support my female friends! I might be a douchebag but I ain’t that kind of douchebag, you dig?”
Rochester, NY – Hot off the press of Papa John announcing his “struggle” to stop saying the N-word. A new trio has just announced starting a podcast together. Rochester’s very own Bob Lonsberry and Jeremy Kappell are teaming up with Papa John to star their very own podcast!
They said this podcast will focus on the struggles the white man faces with avoiding using racial slurs, how white people are being oppressed, and the overall lack of respect for white men everywhere. They said you can expect to find this podcast on whatever streaming service replaces Parler!
Rochester, NY – This past week, the building that houses the historic birthplace of the ‘garbage plate,’ Nick Tahou’s at 320 W Main Street, appeared on a local real estate listing, the asking price being $975k. The Innerloop Blog reached out to the service to find out more details on the listing.
“Listen we understand that the price is a little steep but you have to understand this a landmark building that comes with it a restaurant that has a place in food history. Honestly, you can’t put a price on that. Yes, obviously you get two Nissan Sentra-Sized pieces of italian bread to go with the purchase. And heck, you even get a hot-tub full of butter to boot. Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t get the bread either. It helps with digestion? Soaks up the grease or something. Hey, do you want the building or not?”
With our limited budget, the blog could only offer $8.99 and an Acme Bar drink coin. The agency has reportedly declined the offer and is no longer taking our calls.
Rochester, NY – This week a shocking new video showed a Rochester Police Officer pepper spraying a mother in front of her toddler. The officer is said to be the same man who in January proper sprayed a 9 year old girl.
Many have complained that the Police in Rochester haven’t been punished for their actions regarding these cases and the Daniel Prude case, but it seems as though enough is enough and the hammer of justice has finally come down upon them as all officers involved in these incidents have been issued a devastating $10k a year pay raise as well as a coupon for one free deep tissue massage to be given to them personally by the Police Chief.
“Let this be a lesson to everyone that we in Rochester won’t stand for this” said the Chief, as he appeared to be slowly jerking off one of the officers under the table.
The Police Accountability Board has investigated the officers in question and has found them “guilty of having big penises and being sexy geniuses who are good not bad”
Mayor Lovely Warren issued her own punishment as she viciously handed the officers the key to the city in an opulent ceremony.
We called the officer from this weeks incident to see if he had any comments for our article and he swiftly attempted to pepper spray us through the phone.