Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Kodak Announces New Business Strategy to Fall Back Into Bankruptcy

Rochester, NY- Last Tuesday, Kodak executives rang in the new year by hosting a press conference to announce their new business strategy that will allow the company to fall back into bankruptcy. 

“Kodak has come a long way since first filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in 2012,” a spokesperson for the company said, “we believe that it is time for us to do it again.”

In it’s heyday, the Kodak brand was globally recognized and the company spent years dominating the photographic film business. Then the company decided it would be best to just f*** it all up.

“We know this will come as a surprise to many,” the spokesperson said, “but we feel that bankruptcy gives us the best opportunity to move forward and lay off as many employees as possible.”

Details of the plan are said to promote the complacency of Kodak’s executives while reinforcing their ignorance and failure to adapt in the face of technological change.

“Kodak?” local resident, Peter Smith, said when asked about the company’s new strategy, “I do not even know what that is.”

Former Judge Astacio Partners With Finger Lakes Vineyard on New “Prison Wine” Blend

Finger Lakes, NY – Former judge Leticia Astacio isn’t letting being sentenced back to jail for violating probation stop her from living her best life.

A new winery in the Finger Lakes has announced a partnership with the disgraced City Court judge for a brand new line of “Prison Wine.”

“While wine is usually fermented in barrels, we’re using some techniques Leticia picked up in jail to make this new batch of wines,” says head winemaker Darby Peirce. “The grapes are crushed by hand and left in a toilet with some sugar and yeast until it’s ready for drinking.” The yeast, in this case, is a piece of stale white bread that can be found in any prison commissary.

Unfortunately, we have not been able to try the wine so we can not give you a full review but we can offer its description according to the label:

“Astacio is a semi-sweet red table wine that opens with a sweet sangria-style taste and finishes with a toilet tang. It pairs perfectly with sloppy joes, sad eggs, and mystery meat. You’ll be trading cigarettes for a glass of this bad boy in no time!”

Two Friends Just “Catching Up” In Middle of Wegmans Aisle Cause Deadly Shopping Cart Pileup

Penfield, NY – A massive chain-reaction pileup on aisle 5A in Wegmans late Friday afternoon left dozens injured and at least two dead, authorities said.

Over 26 shopping carts crashed after long-time friends, Ashley Smith and Dave Miller, just happened to run into each other while running errands.

“It was just so unexpected,” Ashley told reporters, “I haven’t seen Dave since our yoga class at the Y last night and I just had to know how his kids were doing.”

Jacob Thomas, 32, was picking up a bag of potato chips on his way to the checkouts when he suddenly heard enthusiastic squeals coming from two women at the end of the aisle. Thomas told reporters that by the time he looked up to see them excitedly embracing each other, it was too late.

“I heard one of them asking about their kid’s hockey tournament in Webster next weekend,” he said, “that is when I saw the first cart collide into boxes of microwave popcorn.”

As more shoppers entered the aisle, Thomas said that some people tried to politely get their attention, but they were too busy discussing the details of Ashley’s upcoming family vacation to their timeshare in North Carolina’s Outer Banks.

The ensuing chaos caused more and more shopping carts to crash, pinning many under vast quantities of produce and canned goods.

“I thought I may have heard screams of anguish,” Ashley said, “but I just assumed it was coming from the Wkids babysitting area.”

Fortunately, Ashley and Dave were able to fully catch up as paramedics tended to the victims.

“I have never seen so much carnage in all my years,” one paramedic recalled, “it was difficult to separate the injured from the large Family Packs of ground beef.”

This comes just days after 3 shoppers were critically injured after being run over by an elderly woman gunning it out of frozen foods on her motor scooter. 

Car Thief Thanks Locals for Starting Cars and Leaving Them Unattended: “Nice to Steal a Warm Car”

Rochester, NY – It’s no secret that Rochesterians love a nice warm car in the morning. And while some of the well-to-do here in Monroe County may have automatic start systems in their car, several people are still warming up their vehicles the old fashioned way by turning the key and leaving their unlocked vehicles alone.

It’s for this reason that the Rochester Thieves Guild (RTG) has issued a new press release thanking locals. “There’s a common misconception that we hate stealing cars in the winter because it’s cold. On the contrary, we love it. All you dumb dumbs leave your cars unlocked, running, and warm” said the RTG’s Chairman.

“At least when you take candy from a baby, the baby puts up a little bit of a fight. You people are just giving cars away. It’s amazing!”

Barrel of Dolls Set Record Profits After Switch to Actual Sex Dolls

Rochester, NY – The Barrel of Dolls is known for shaking things up in the Village Gate area but their recent business decision has local economists stunned.

The gentlemen’s club decided to switch from employing real women to being more true to their name. The dancing staff is now completely made of plastic and silicone and the club is booming every night.

“I bought a Real Girl Doll online but noticed you get a good deal if you buy them in bulk,” said one of Barrel’s managers who wanted to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “I figured how about instead of me ruining these things over the course of the next year, why not try to use them at the club and make some money back!”

The first show with Britany, a doll that is supposed to look like Britney Spears but looks more like a melted Christina Aguilera, had the club packed.

“They announced a new special show on their Instagram and I had to check it out,” said the Barrel Darel, a local strip club aficionado. “When they dragged out this lifeless sex doll on stage, I was kind of pissed, but then the show started, and I realized this was my kink.”

With the help of some rope, a few pullies, and drones, the sex dolls put on a choreographed show that no mortal could have ever pulled off. Their legs bend over their head, their fake boobs wrap around their entire body like a 12-year-old’s perverted drawing of an octopus, and they never get tired.

“The big plus is that until they gain sentience, we don’t have to worry about lawsuits,” said a Barrel representative. “It’s a game-changer.”

Confused Bills Fans Burn Sandra Bullock DVDs After Questionable Blindside Block Penalty

Buffalo, NY – Buffalo Bills fans are not too happy with the NFL referees after a questionable Blindside Block call knocked them out of field goal range in overtime and eventually led to their elimination from the playoffs.

“What a shitty call,” said one Bills fan on Twitter while offering no context for the social media post and getting no likes or retweets on the post.

The InnerLoop’s Football Expert Tad McClintaw says “if you really want to understand the penalty against Cody Ford you need to look at the rule as it’s written.”

So we did.

The NFL Blindside Block rule states: “It is now prohibited for a blocker to initiate forcible contact with his head, shoulder or forearm when his path is toward or parallel to his own end line or for any Buffalo Bills team to advance when we could make more money with bigger market teams in the playoffs.”

 

Bills Fans Admit They Didn’t Factor in Their Team Being in the Playoffs When Starting a New Year’s Diet

Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills are in the playoffs and fans are not ready for the food being served at parties around Western NY.

“I know I said ‘New Year, New Me’ but if Josh Allen throws a single interception, I am going to eat a dozen chicken wings out of frustration,” said Bills fan Greg Smarmetz.

“Also, if Josh Allen throws a touchdown, I will be eating two dozen wings to celebrate.”