Rochester, NY – Residents complaining about an unseasonably cool, wet May now have someone to blame: themselves. Local climate scientists sounded the alarm this week as a major greenhouse gas was discovered emanating from the butts of Garbage Plate consumers within the greater Rochester area.
“Methane is one of the most potent greenhouse gasses, and I worry this is only the beginning of our climate woes,” says local meteorologist Tracy Bensen. “We noticed a particularly high concentration of the gas above Nick Tahou’s and Dogtown, but now with Festival Season underway and with food trucks everywhere, the concern is this is going to be a runaway greenhouse effect.”
Fans of this gastrointestinal gauche are advised to avoid the dish at all costs. “If you must have a plate, consider ordering it without the sauce, or hold the beef,” says Bensen, adding “I hope you all love snow!”
ROCHESTER, NY – A shocking discovery has been made in Western New York that has sent scientists across the nation into a frenzy questioning all that was once that to be true about the world.
It was recently discovered that every single disease, from bubonic plague to the measles, originated from the bathroom of the Bug Jar on Monroe Avenue.
“It defies all known logic, but all tests returned the same result, literally every disgusting horrible disease not only exists within the sticker-covered walls of those bathrooms, but the resting primordial stew of bodily fluids that makes up the majority of the contents of those bathrooms seem to have spawned every single known disease. It also somehow naturally created fake oxycodone pills cut with fentanyl, which we found especially peculiar.” Said local scientist David Kenner, who would no refuse to remove his hazmat suit as he spoke with us at the counter of the bar.
“I’m not shocked,” said a local crust punk who apparently doesn’t have a name.
“I went in there once to shoot some H and a week later I had hepatitis, it’s really sad they let the bathrooms get to that point, clearly their fault” he said, whilst waist deep in his own vomit in one of the stalls that he had kicked in the door to because he was “kind of in a hurry”
No word yet on what the bar plans to do about the situation, the CDC considered quarantining the area but decided against it due to the fact that no one really ever goes to, or leaves, Rochester anyway.
Rochester, NY- Festival season is upon us and we know everyone can’t wait to get outside and explore the many festivals that Rochester has to offer! That’s why here at the ILB, we want to help out all the couples out there. We know as you’re wandering the streets during these festivals, you’re just going to look over at your spouse and think, fuck this. I’ve had enough. Here are some great ways of how to public fight with your spouse!
1) Drink an entire box of wine- This one seems like a no brainer, start your day off with an entire box of wine and there is no way you won’t have some feelings of resentment towards your spouse halfway through the day!
2) Live together for at least six months- Living together seemed like a good idea right? Welp, guess you didn’t realize your spouse loves to leave their underwear right next to the laundry basket or have a blind eye towards the dishes! This is the perfect time to bring it up while you’re waiting in line for some poutine!
3) Go to any festival- Anyway you slice it, no matter what you do, you and your spouse are going to fight, festivals are hot, gross and overpriced. The only reason you’re going to it is because you feel like it’s a necessary thing to as a couple! Who knows how long it last and going to festivals single sucks!
EAST IRONDEQUOIT, NY – Did you hear that?
The sounds of Starbury shoes clomping around the Medley Centre and voices of former Steve & Barry’s employees have been heard roaming the halls.
“I was there the other day just out of nostalgia for the World of Science store and I could almost feel the fabric of one of their $9 hoodies brush past me,” said local ghost hunter and former mall Ruby Tuesday regular Donald Sandalflogg
While there have been claims of visual evidence of the paranormal retail employees, nobody has been able to capture an image of anyone wearing a knockoff Syracuse University jersey hawking clothing lines of Sarah Jessica Parker & Amanda Bynes that you definitely never knew existed until you read this sentence.
Rochester, NY – On Wednesday, May 15, producers for CBS hit “The Amazing Race” held auditions at Rochester’s Lilac Festival.
After sitting through the auditions, CBS casting agents have decided to rebrand the popular series as “The Pretty Good Race.”
“Based on the auditions we saw today, we thought “Pretty Good Race” would be more appropriate,” said a CBS official who prefers to remain anonymous.
The casting call stated that “Candidates should be strong-willed, outgoing, adventurous, in excellent physical and mental health, and adaptable to new lifestyles and personalities.”
The unnamed official said, “Based on the turnout, we’re looking more at a show that features tubby, stodgy hipsters with seasonal affective disorder.”
Rumor has it that the tasks in the updated show will include parallel parking, figuring out which location your friend means when he says “the Hots place,” and bicycling amidst pedestrians who are yelling at you.
“We think it will be a show that really speaks to this generation,” the CBS representative posited. “Or, I don’t know, is anyone else like this? God, is this what we’ve become?”
Rochester, NY – Todd Baxter and his coworkers have had a kickball team in Rochester for 5 years now and came upon a tough choice during registration for the Summer Season.
The kickball league requires each team to have at least 3 girls to play. Unfortunately for Todd and his team, one of the women they had on their roster last year moved to Nebraska. They tried everything to find a replacement. Facebook Posts, Craigslist Posts, Flyers, writing their phone number on Public Restrooms, you name it, they tried it.
After a night of heavy drinking as a farewell, an idea struck Todd like a kickball to the face. “I know I had to man-up for the team. Or I guess you should say… woman-up” Todd said to which no one laughed.
Todd decided to go through the process of having a sex-change operation so that his team could continue their kickballing.
Todd now goes by Tammy and might be the greatest female shortstop in Rochester Kickball History. You can see his team ‘Two Less Balls On The Feild” every Tuesday night this Summer at Highland Park.
Webster, NY – A Rochester Native will be joining the U.S. Olympic Bobsled team for the 2020 Winter Olympics after being spotted riding on a shopping cart at a local Wegmans.
Todd Barishal has always been known for his remarkable cart riding skills at the Holt Road Wegmans. “He could get from his trunk to the cart stand in one push,” a Helping Hands member told The InnerLoop Blog. “We knew he was destined for greatness.”
An anonymous security guard at the Wegmans compiled a highlight video of Mr. Barishal’s best cart runs and sent them to the U.S. Olympic Committee.
“The kids a natural. He’s got bobsled in his blood,” said U.S. Bobsled Coach Robert Shledd. “We stuffed the cart with three grown men and Toddy here pushes it like it’s a bowel movement after taking fiber supplements. He just says ‘This is nothing! Try pushing a full cart of Weggies on a Sunday grocery run!’ We have no god damn idea what that means but we love him.”