Rochester, NY – Fred Saragossa decided to pull his snowblower out for its first run of the season today, but that choice ultimately lead to him being fired.
Before even opening his garage door, Fred spent a solid hour locating all of his good snow attire, including his lucky Bills scarf, and the insulated underwear that makes his junk “feel like they’re on vacation in Cancun.”
Now it was time to hit start on the snowblower but it wasn’t starting. After an oil change, adding gas, changing a spark plug, lubricating the chain, cleaning out the intake, and putting air in the tires, Fred figured out the issue was he forgot to plug it in.
Finally, Fred was ready to take care of the snow but after having to clean up the end of his driveway four times due to the plows “shoving 12 feet of bullshit into my life,” he ended up getting done clearing a path for his car at noon.
Unfortunately, his shift started at 6:00 AM. He received a message that he was fired as soon as he connected his phone to his car’s Bluetooth.
Rochester, NY – Everyone knows that AltBar produces events for sober people, sober-curious people, athletes, and douchebags who think they’re better than you, but what about eligible bachelors who are tired of talking to drunk women at bars? The answer is, “absolutely.” We went to an AltBar event at an undisclosed location where we caught up with one of these grade A studs.
“Drunk chicks ramble on and on about bullshit, bro, it’s like “We gonna f*ck, or nah?”” Colby Rogers told an Innerloop reporter. “They can’t hold their booze and just talk about bullsh*t like climate change. I’m done with drunk chicks. So tonight I decided to shotgun ten beers at home and meet some sober babes here… You have a Marb Light, bro? Or a garbage plate?”
Later that night, Rogers was kicked out of the event for trying to sneak a piss under the bar. The Innerloop has not received word about whether or not he smashed.
Rochester, NY – RIT Scientists announced an amazing scientific discovery that may prove the missing link between Wegmans and Tops shoppers.
“A long lost and thought to be extinct, evolutionary ancestor was found pulling a shopping cart in a similar way that primates do today,” scientists announced at a press conference.
The behavior was thought to be a trait of early bipedal hominids.
“We are not sure how he got here but we suspect he became trapped in the frozen food section thousands of years ago while deciding which brand of peas to purchase,” one scientist told the blog.
These findings give hope that additional archaic human ancestors will be found including the ones that take 10 minutes to back into a parking spot and the slow walker missing link.
Rochester, NY – After a groundbreaking new study found that 100% of people consuming Garbage Plates before noon are among the most depressed in the nation, a new bill has been passed requiring all restaurants serving up a plate to provide mental health support.
Currently, a referral to a licensed mental health professional is required to be either printed directly on the go-to container or to be readily available by whatever sad cashier is working the lunch shift.
Soon the law will require all restaurants selling plates to have a therapist stationed at the counter and riding along with any delivery driver to perform a mental hygiene check on any Rochesterian willing to consume 4000+ calories during regular business hours.
Patrons who are visibly drunk, stoned, or hungover will be able to avoid the mental health requirements of the transaction.
Rochester, NY-In an effort to raise money for charity, Rochester strippers have banded together to put on a show at the Liberty Pole just in time for the holidays. Some strippers are even adopting holiday-themed names for the occasion such as Candi Cane and Ginger Breasts.
The crumpled-up singles raised at this show will go directly to COVID-19 relief. When asked for comment, Candi Cane said “It’s going to be such a magical night and we’re really helping a good cause.”
Strippers have also prepared dances to holiday favorites such as “White Christmas” “The Dreidel Song” and “Dominic the Donkey”. For showtimes and dates, be sure to consult your friend from Greece who frequents local strip clubs “for the buffet.”
Rochester, NY – The telecommunications company formerly known as Spectrum rebranded itself on Monday, in an effort to compete with Tom Golisano’s “Greenlight” company for control over the Rochester fiber internet market. Now known as “Gaslight”, the internet giant will reportedly be offering fiber optic internet service to nearly twelve households in Monroe County.
“We’re passionate about bringing affordable, high-speed internet to the community,” a spokesperson from Gaslight said at a press conference. “While some have criticized our service as spotty or sluggish, we think they’re just absolutely crazy. They should have their reaction times checked out at a doctor. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with our network.”
While some Rochester residents welcome the competition, others are worried that Spectrum’s inconsistent pricing and predatory sales tactics will remain in Gaslight’s business repertoire. At press time, however, Gaslight dismissed these concerns as “the ramblings of the truly deranged.”
Rochester, NY – This past week, a local gym chain posted a sign at all their locations stating that they would not be following the NYS mask mandate and in conjunction launched their ‘Catch Covid, Drop Weight’ program. “Listen, we’re just getting in on the fad that’s sweeping the country,’ a representative for the chain told The Inner Loop Blog.
‘We even have a special rate for people that are feeling sick. If you’re showing symptoms, you’re getting discounts. We’re really have fun with it, you know? Hey! What are you doing? Don’t clean that equipment! I’m sorry what was I saying? Oh yeah… You come here, sneeze into a fan, you know really get into it. We’re even replacing all the tanning beds with respirators for those that are really feeling the effects of the er umm.. program. I honestly cannot wait to see how amazing everyone looks!’
Rochester, NY – New York Gov. Kathy Hochul has put a statewide mandate on masks starting today and many Rochesterians have spent most of their day trying to locate their face coverings.
“I didn’t think I would have to put this thing on again,” said Frank Averman of Greece. “I even sent a SnapChat to my friends of me farting on it with the caption ‘good riddance.'”
“I don’t get why I have to wear it if I am vaccinated,” said Jill Stenner of Webster. “I literally got my eighth dose today. They say you’re just supposed to get three on TV but I don’t trust the lamestream media. I have three of both Pfizer and Moderna with a Johnson and Johnson splashed in for funsies,” continued Stenner before collapsing in front of us shortly after.
The mandate will be in effect until at least Jan. 15 but experts predict things to get “pretty loosey-goosey with enforcing it” after a week.
A local church is outraged at a mural they say depicts two bears in the 69 sex position and have demanded that the mural be removed and replaced with a mural of two bears engaging in traditional missionary sex.
The local pastor had this to say about the infamous mural
“It is just not right! What is this country coming to? First it’s giant bear 69ing next thing you know its giant bear gay marriage. As the bible says, it’s Giant Mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Eve, not Giant mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Steve!”
Which, like the mural, is quite the mouthful.
Many in the community are outraged, claiming that two disgusting fat hairy creatures 69ing is part of the proud culture of the city of Rochester.
The painters of the mural are said to have proposed a compromise in which it will be made clear that only anal and oral penetration occurred during the 69 which would be considered religiously sanctioned under the famed poophole loophole.
Following Saturday’s windstorm, in which 70 mile per hour gusts devastated power and communications lines around the county, Rochester Gas & Electric has reported that over 10,000 of its customers in the Rochester area still have absolutely zero chill about the whole situation.
“It has come to our attention that thousands of our valued customers can’t, like, just cool it with the complaints for one goddamn second,” a spokesperson wrote in a statement released early Sunday morning. “We obviously know your power’s out, OK? We’re working on it. Losing power isn’t the end of the world. Go do a crossword or something.”
Sources inside the regional utility giant report that the company expects to have restored power to a majority of households by Monday morning, but that there are currently no estimates of when occupants will settle the fuck down and think about maybe buying a few flashlights next time.
At press time, we were unable to reach RG&E for comment, because our power was out.