Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Cam’s Pizza Finds Untaxed Revenue Stuffed in Crust of Pizza

Rochester, NY – Early reports indicate that the $5 million of revenue not accounted for in Cam’s Pizza LLC’s 2018 taxes may have been found.  Owner/operator Cameron Fallone claims to have found the missing cash inside the crust of a pepperoni and mushroom large pizza at their East Ave location.

Fallone explained, “look these things happen it’s a pizza place, we stuff a lot of crusts with a lot of items.”  New eyewitness reporting claiming to have seen employees deep frying unpaid invoices in batches of sweet and sour wings last week.

New Dating App Matches Singles Based on How They Take Their Garbage Plate

Rochester, NY – Dating in Rochester is a tough endeavor. With the size of our city, it doesn’t take many swipes on traditional dating apps before coming across someone you already know and probably don’t like. With summer approaching and nesting season coming to a close, a new dating app called TrashDate is being released to help us find love based on Rochester’s favorite food: the garbage plate.

TrashDate founders teamed up with GrubHub to create a simple two-part algorithm. Matches are made based on where people order plates from, and how they order them. For example, a person who orders a plate from Mark’s with all the fixings would never match with someone who orders a plain plate from Webster Hots. The only exception is timing – if it’s past a certain time at night, TrashDate understands that delivery options are limited and gets more lenient.

The app doesn’t use the traditional swipe methods that Tinder uses, instead, it’s voice-activated to avoid any meat sauce mishaps on an iPhone screen. TrashDate releases on April 20th, just in time for festival season. Go forth and find true love on TrashDate!

Vinyl to Rid of Bathrooms, and Turn Whole Club into an Open Toilet

ROCHESTER, NY – East and Alexander nightlife staple and local cesspool Vinyl night club announced this week they are getting rid of bathrooms. In an effort to save money on the water bill and make the dance floor area larger they decided to tear out both men and women restrooms and allow the whole bar itself to be used as a bathroom/dancefloor hybrid.

Vinyl head bartender Chip Yi said “It came to us the past few weeks after experimenting with urinating on the ground during really long lines. After a few test studies, we realized no one even noticed, because of the already awful scent and disgustingly sticky floors here.”

When we asked how he thinks the locals will take to this revolutionary change Yi told us “I mean I’ve gone all over and I’ve seen speak-easy, movie-themed bars, hell they even just opened an axe bar down the street! But never seen a bathroom bar, so why not be pioneers.” The new changes will launch immediately, and it is bring your own toilet paper.

Local Frats Crowdfund Monument Honoring Bros That Knocked over Frederick Douglas Statue

ROCHESTER, NY – After months of planning and fundraising a team of frats from St. John Fisher, The University Of Rochester, and RIT, unveiled their statue depicting the iconic scene of the Fisher students who terrorized the Frederick Douglas statue this past December. The statue will commemorate white frat boys across the greater Rochester area and their reckless abandon of property, rights and human decency after crushing some cold ones and sending it all day.

“We believe there is a rich history of frat boys and day drinking that is the pillar to the success of our festival season every summer here, so we wanted to honor these brave students who show exemplary drinking prowess and white privilege with this as a token of our appreciation,” said Festival Councilman Harold Jones.

The statue will not only reenact the scene of the two Fisher students trucking the Frederick Douglas statue over but also will be equipped with wheels, making it mobile and able to travel to all Rochester festivals this summer where day drinking is partaking.

Inspired by the Millions of Dollars Donated to Rebuild Notre Dame, Millennial Sets Parent’s House on Fire

Rochester, NY – Nearly $1 billion dollars has been pledged to restore the Notre Dame Cathedral that was on fire earlier this week. Inspired by those figures, a local millennial has set his parent’s house on fire.

“My Dad is a big Notre Dame football fan, there was tons of Fighting Irish gear in there, give me money” read the alleged arsonists GoFundMe page. The page is currently up to $500 dollars in donations.

Thousands Gather at Frontier Field to Watch Football Virgin Play Baseball

ROCHESTER, NY – There’s a reason to come out and see your Rochester Red Wings this week and it has nothing to do with the artery-clogging, heartburn-inducing food options.

Tim Tebow, noted Christian and guy that has claimed to have never fucked, will take the field for the Syracuse Mets vs our Red Wings for a 4 game series that will surely bring out a crowd to see the one and only non-sex haver football guy turned baseball virgin take the field.

Although he has never felt the tender touch of a woman (or man, maybe, that’s a little less certain) he is still chasing the dream of being a professional athlete and hopes to one day join the big league New York Mets.

“I’m just happy to get this opportunity to play baseball at the highest level, and also I have never jizzed.”