Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Thanksgiving Dining Room Table in Irondequoit Stuck Between Orange and Yellow Zones

Irondequoit, NY – The Williams family of Irondequoit knew that Thanksgiving this year would be different. What they didn’t count on, was how different it would be. As plans went ahead with the small holiday gathering, Lisa, the matriarch of the family realized while watching the six o’clock news that one half of their dining room table was in a yellow zone and the other half in an orange zone. The Inner Loop Blog visited the Williams family to see how they were dealing with the crisis.

‘I’ll tell ya, I nearly dropped my Fresca! My own table split between zones. I still can’t believe it. So now I got one side of the table set up with a treadmill, weight rack and salon chair and the other only 33% of people can worship Jesus Christ. I tell ya, Thanksgiving will never be the same again.’

Regardless of Bills’ Bye Week, Area Man Habitually Gets Drunk Around Noon and Yells at Television

Rochester, NY – As the NFL season enters Week 11, the Buffalo Bills have a bye week with no game scheduled. That hasn’t stopped John Dobbins of Fairport from continuing his tradition of downing a case of Coors (the banquet beer) and yelling at the television. The Inner Loop blog was able to speak with John’s wife Sharon.

‘Honestly, knowing that there was no game this week I thought we would have a nice Sunday together, just me and the kids. But no, John, in a manic state started murmuring around 10am about how the g-d Bills better not lose this week and how he’s still not over that bs catch at the end of last week’s game. I told him ‘ain’t no game this week John.’ He just looked at me and said ‘Quiet woman!’ Now, he’s just got QVC on and he’s shouting about how there’s no way those knifes can cut through that. I’m very worried about him.

Paychex Offering “Zero Middleman” Option for People to Deposit Their Income Directly to Wegmans

Rochester, NY – “Tired of beating around the bush and pretending like you’re ‘saving for your future’ or ‘putting money away for a vacation?’ Then you need our Zero Middleman option!”

That’s how Paychex press release started promoting its brand new service allowing Rochesterians to have 100% of their income go directly to Wegmans.

“Our studies have shown that people are actually more comfortable having all their money on their shopper’s club card than in a bank,” says Frank Fordicuss who spearheaded the project. “In theory all of these people will be able to just walk into Wegmans, take whatever they want, and leave. They’ll also be able to make their own subs at the sub shop, ” detailed Fordicuss, “which alone is a nice enough perk.”

Twins End Partnership With Red Wings After Realizing Team Was Not in Rochester, Minnesota

Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that The Minnesota Twins MLB Franchise was ending its partnership with The Rochester Red Wings, who have been their Triple-A affiliate since 2003.

The news became official after Twins’ General Manager Thad Levine decided he was going to spend a day last week in Rochester visiting with the team’s management. Thad reportedly left his office in Minneapolis and took the 90-minute drive down to Rochester, MN only to discover, there was no baseball team there called The Rochester Red Wings.

Angered, Thad called his assistant General Manager and asked for an explanation. Assistant GM Rob Antony reportedly told him that the deal had been signed some 17 years ago and nobody ever thought to follow-up on it. We were able to reach Antony for comment, he told us “As God is my witness, I thought The Red Wings were in Rochester, MN.”

Red Wings owner Naomi Silver said “We thought it was odd that not a single person from the Twins ever showed up even once to check on us. Here we’d been changing our name to The Garbage Plates and doing all kinds of wacky stuff, just positive we’d eventually be told to stop by The Twins, but never a peep. Kinda makes sense, they never even knew we were here.”

Local Testicles Announce They’re Confused, Annoyed by Rochester Weather Fluctuations

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been given a statement from Rochester’s Union 2, the organization that represents all testicles in the Monroe County area, and we’re posting it here unedited:

Dear God,

Please pick a temperature. We can’t take it anymore. We’re up, we’re down, we’re inside the body, we’re outside the body, we’re in shorts, we’re in skinny jeans, we’re snug inside a thermal sock. Some consistency would be nice.

Webster Man Who Spent $3000 on Trump Merch Starting to Think His Money Could Have Been Put to Better Use

Webster, NY – Lon Lemke was really hoping beyond hope that New Yorkers wouldn’t be “cucks” again this year and actually vote Republican for President.

“I really thought that these libtards would notice how great their life has been over the past four years and give this president, the greatest president we’ve ever had, another term,” says Lemke. “But once again, these Dummy-craps showed their true colors!”

Lemke estimates that he has spent close to $3000 on flags, hats, clothes, and other Trump decals to show off how much of a fan he is of the president. But now he’s worried that maybe all the money he spent getting his boat painted with ‘F*** Your Feelings! Four More Years!’ is money that could have been put to better use with his family.

He did note that he does have a daughter that has lost her job because of the ravaged economy and a brother that is currently in the hospital dying from COVID. When we asked him if all that merch money could have help them in their rough times, he stopped, look a bit shocked, but than told us to “go eat Obama’s butt” and showed us a purchase order from a Chinese wholesaler for ‘TRUMP 2024’ flags.

Local Man Excited to Completely Ruin His Life at ROC City Skatepark

Rochester, NY – Arnaldo Kutch hasn’t skateboarded since his high school days in the ’90s, but upon seeing that the ROC City Skatepark has finally been completed, he got a wave of nostalgia and confidence, and plans to hit ramps this weekend.

We have reached out to Kutch’s doctor Art Ernser who let us know he predicts the Gates man won’t even complete a single ollie before shattering at least five to seven bones in his body.

Dr. Ernser has warned his patient that taking this kind of risk with his body is not something he can afford as a working adult but has already drafted a letter for excused absences from his job because, and these are Dr. Erner’s words, “Arnaldo is a complete dumbass.”

Susan B Anthony’s Gravesite on Election Day Named “Worst Place to Pick up Chicks”

Rochester, NY – Every election year Rochesterians flock to the grave of Susan B Anthony to place their “I Voted” sticker on her headstone as a tribute to all her work fighting for women’s right to vote. It’s a beautiful scene but more importantly, it’s a terrible spot to try to get laid.

According to men’s magazine Guns, Beer, And Boobs Quarterly, Anthony’s gravesite on the day of an election is by far the worst place on the planet to hit on women. Their research shows that you would have better chances of getting someone’s phone number if you approached them at their father’s wake.

The magazine did however clarify that Mount Hope Cemetery where Anthony is laid to rest is a great spot to pick up “spooky gothic chicks” on almost any other day of the year.

Chili Resident Can’t Wait to Tell You How Long They Waited in Line to Vote

Chili, NY – Monroe county has seen early voters out in droves, some encountering long lines and waits. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene at the Chili Senior Center this past weekend where many were casting their early votes.

Inner Loop Blog: So how…

Early Voter: 2 and half hours.. in the rain, no less! I was here right when they opened and the line wrapped around the building. I didn’t have no umbrella neither! I just stood here in the rain, wet, soaked through my clothes. I’m half way to hypothermia and I can’t stop shaking. And my knee hurts. I think I might die!

Inner Loop Blog: …are you?

Ghost of Susan B. Anthony Arrested for Not Floating Six Feet Away in Voting Line

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted outside of an early voting site yesterday morning, after the ghost of Susan B. Anthony showed up to cast her ballot. 

Witnesses say that the 114 year old apparition just appeared out of thin air and began loudly declaring her right to vote. Many bystanders were startled and some were a little upset.

“She just floated right through me while I was standing in line and she wasn’t even wearing a mask!” one disgusted voter said.

Efforts to encourage the ghost of Anthony to abide by social distancing guidelines failed and soon after the police were called.

“This is a clear case of voter intimidation,” an official from the Board of Elections told the Blog, “a polling site is no place for an unwelcomed haunting.”