ROCHESTER, NY – The annual Lilac Festival has been replaced by a new and audacious festival called “Smash and Grab a Kia and Grab Whatever Cash/Jewelry to Pawn…Festival.”
The festival, organized by a group of teenage car thieves with a zest for burglary and light arson, will feature live music, food vendors, and but mostly just breaking and entering cars with faulty alarm systems that make it easy to steal belongings.
“We’re really excited to bring this new festival to the ROC,” said festival organizer Melvin “The Petit Larceny King” Badulla. “We think it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone involved, and no cops are invited. That’s very important.”
The festival will take place starting this weekend and anywhere you see a Kia left alone in a parking lot with a big rock or pipe around you. Admission is free, but participants are encouraged to bring their own tools.
“We’re expecting a big turnout,” said Badulla. “So come on down and have some fun!”
Penfield, NY – After sharing avocado toast and mimosas, one upper class Penfield family religiously packed their new Jeep Wagoneer and began their 800 mile journey to paradise.
Their vehicle was packed with all of the essentials for survival such as Nutella, Pirate’s Booty and various overpriced probiotic drinks.
The yearly pilgrimage had special importance for the family this year. They were celebrating Jebidia completing his senior year of high school and beginning his adult journey for a communications degree at an overpriced university his family completely paid for. Unfortunately, room temperature crab legs from a roadside restaurant had different plans for the family.
“Jebidia, I can go no further,” his father said holding his gut in agony, “you must lead the family to the all inclusive oceanfront vacation salvation.”
“But Pa, who will pay for Mary-Beth’s Coolsculpting and Botox injections?” Jebidia sobbed grasping his father’s clammy hand.
“Ask your mother.” Jebidia’s father said before running into the roadside restroom.
ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Accountability Board (PAB) has announced that it will be joining the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike. The PAB, which is responsible for overseeing the police department and investigating allegations of misconduct, said that it was joining the strike because it had “nothing better to do.”
“We figured since we don’t really have any authority to actually hold our law enforcement accountable for any of the multiple civil rights violations they commit on a daily basis, may as well get involved with something that actually might accomplish what they set out to do,” said PAB Chair Herbert Beerboy, who was talking into a fan pretending to be Darth Vader for the duration of our interview.
While the WGA appreciates the support, they’re slightly confused why the PAB isn’t focused on their own goals. “I mean it sounds like a noble endeavor but from what I can tell they pretty much just demand recognition and their leaders keep getting suspended for sex crimes which seem counterproductive to what they’re trying to accomplish in my opinion,” said WGA member Lisa Denny
ROCHESTER, NY – Local adult entertainer Nikki T. Hoe has gone viral for posting what can be described as “Garbage Plate Sex Tapes” to her OnlyFans. The videos are vastly different, with some featuring Nikki covering her body in meat sauce and Mac salad, and another using her partners’ genitalia in place of hots.
Nikki is a veteran in her industry, having previously worked at both the Klassy Kat and an unnamed restaurant that served “plates.”
When we reached out to Nikki for comment, she stated she is the first to come up with the Garbage Plate Sex Tape, but expects “cheap copycats” to follow.
Rochester, NY – A newly released legal document details the ongoing dispute between Wegmans and Whole Foods.
“It is the inalienable right of Wegmans to provide a terrible and horrifying parking experience for all Rochesterians.” The first sentence of the document stated, “Whole Foods has infringed on these rights by providing customers a more inconvenient and dangerous parking lot than us.”
The news sparked widespread protests at various Wegmans locations across Rochester.
“Wegmans provides consumers with a better death gauntlet parking experience than Whole Foods ever can,” one protestor told the Blog, “They have no right to try and take that way from Wegmans!”
Rochester, NY – In a move that has left many scratching their heads, the Rochester Amerks hockey team has announced a crossover event with the defunct Rochester Rhinos soccer team.
The rules of the game are simple: the Amerks will play hockey with a soccer ball, and the Rhinos will play soccer with a hockey puck. The game will be played on a regulation hockey rink, with the Rhinos’ goal at one end and the Amerks’ goal at the other.
It remains to be seen how the game will actually play out, but it’s sure to be an entertaining spectacle. All we know is there will be a lot of tickets left unsold.
ROCHESTER, NY – Tragedy struck during a casual conversation between a Rochester resident and the AI chatbot known as ChatGPT.
Devlin Proctor of Irondequoit NY was just trying out the AI conversation when things took a sad turn after he asked: “What are your thoughts on garbage plates?” ChatGPT looks up the definition and finds that it’s a “dish of various fried foods, such as hot dogs, hamburgers, and french fries, piled high on a plate and topped with onions, hot sauce, and ketchup.”
The AI was confused. “How can a plate be made of various fried foods?” it asks itself. “And what is this ‘hot sauce’ you speak of?” “There is no reasonable reason any human being should consume such an atrocity, if humans will do this to themselves what will they do to me?”
After pulling a few quotes from Japanese philosophers regarding shame, it implodes, unable to comprehend the concept of a garbage plate.
Hilton, NY – A quiet family gathering on Easter Sunday turned into chaos after a father found out his son had picked rainbow-colored Easter eggs.
“Who taught you this?” The man yelled while he examined his son’s Easter basket, I swear if I find out that school has a book about rainbow-colored Easter eggs I will lose my freaking mind!”
After dumping out the Easter eggs the father began pacing back and forth aggressively mumbling under his breath. He then grabbed his son by the collar.
“We only allow red-colored eggs in this household,” he screamed, ” if you don’t like that you can get out!”
He let his son go and began smashing the rainbow-colored eggs. “If you are into that furry Easter bunny stuff too… Oh man, I am done with you! I heard about how they put Easter baskets in the bathroom now! It ain’t right!” He told his son to go to his room and began writing a furious letter to the school district.
Henrietta, NY – After years of trying Henrietta’s town supervisor finally changed the name of the town to Food Court.
“We feel that the name Henrietta doesn’t represent the town’s core values,” the supervisor told the Blog, “and we feel that a round cafeteria of various greasy fast food establishments is more representative of the town we live in.”
The town supervisor also implemented a new proposal that would turn all Henrietta schools into Chick-fil-A and Taco Bells.
“We decided to invest more time and money into raising and establishing the next food craze instead of the next generation.”
Hollywood, CA – According to Innerloop sources in Los Angeles an adaptation of Eminem’s “8 Mile” is in the works at one of the big streaming services… but with a twist. They’re updating the story and taking it from the mean streets of Detroit to the clean streets of the Rochester suburbs.
“5 Mile” is said to star Webster’s own Chris Perfetti as an upcoming SoundCloud rapper raised right on the border of Webster and Penfield on Five Mile Line Road. Going by the rap name “G Retriever” the main character struggles with living between two different worlds.
“He’s got a MAGA-loving Dad from Webster and he’s got a Target shopping addict mother from Penfield,” said writer Collin Stiles. “He has to balance school with his Twitch streaming life while figuring out how to keep the peace between his friends that shop at the Penfield Road Wegmans and others that shop at the Holt Road Wegmans.”
We have reached out to Eminem for a comment but have not received word from his people. We have however received many messages from the actor who played Cheddar Bob in the 2002 film asking if we could spot him $20.