Rochester, NY – A new study released by RIT Scientists has proven what we all kind of knew after years of driving during the winter in Rochester. Data confirms the height of snow left unbrushed on your vehicle is directly related to how disappointed your parents are in your life choices.
“I got the idea when I looked out into the campus parking lots and noticed a lot of cars with a foot tall pile of snow also had MAGA bumper stickers on them,” said lead researcher Josh Gore.
According to Gore, the higher the snow pile, the more likely the car owner’s parents were to distance themself from them. “Once you get to the delivery truck levels of snow that also fly off in sheets, and scaring the crap out of everyone behind them, their parents have just completely cut ties and in some cases even started new families.”
Interestingly, even just an inch of snow left unbrushed from a car’s roof meant nobody loved them.
Rochester, NY – Hoping to cash in on the local community’s love for one another, and greasy meat slop, a new hots restaurant is offering to spice things up in your bedroom with lingerie made out of the food that put our city on the map.
ROC Hard Hots got the idea when their head chef drank too much wine last Valentine’s Day and proceeded to be horny and hungry all at once. “I wanted to eat an entire garbage plate but I also wanted to make some ‘homemade meat sauce’ if you know what I mean” says Bill Hard, the owner, operator, chef, and future health code violator of the restaurant.
The service works like those fancy sushi places with sexy women being used as tables. But instead of raw fish and leaves being placed on your body, it’s macaroni salad, home fries, and hot sauce. ROC Hard Hots does say the edible underwear is served at room temperature to avoid any lawsuits.
Rochester, NY – As we previously reported, Danny Wegman was seen earlier this week peeling out of his grocery chain’s parking lot in a Ferrari filled with Plastic Bags and it appears we now know what he was up too now.
The InnerLoop Blog received many messages from people living near Wegman’s mansion in Canandaigua reporting there was a giant hot air balloon floating North towards the city.
Upon further investigation, it appears the lone pilot on-board was none other than Danny Wegman and the balloon looked as if it was completely made of plastic bags.
“It’s possible that he’s used the stockpile of bags leftover from the plastic ban to make a functioning aircraft,” says local heated-air pilot Bill Oonse. “They absolutely have enough raw materials to make the balloon, the basket, and everything else out of those brown bags.”
We have not received word yet as to what the billionaire has planned or how far he’ll get but we will keep you up to date as soon as we hear anything.
Rochester, NY – Residents awoke to find the streets still stained with the kombucha and blood of hipsters slain in renewed violence between the South Wedge and Park Ave neighborhoods.
Witnesses told reporters that the violence erupted after members from the Park Ave gang cycled into the South Wedge territory and began shouting that Boulder Coffee does not use ethically sourced coffee beans. Infuriated, South Wedge gang members responded by throwing Doc Martens through the window of the Red Fern.
“The smell of death and beard cream still hangs in the air.” one resident said while shaking his head.
Officials estimate that over 30 South Wedge and Park Ave vegetarian hipsters were killed, with at least 15 more vegans wounded.
Pittsford, NY – Shoppers at the Pittsford Wegmans were treated to an unexpected show when Danny Wegman abruptly tore it out of the parking lot in his red Ferrari.
Witnesses said that before Mr. Wegman entered the vehicle, they saw him sprinting out of the store carrying a large amount of plastic bags and laughing maniacally.
“It was kinda strange,” one bystander told reporters, “he kept yelling that all the plastic bags were now his and no one had the power to stop him.”
Pedestrians looked on as Mr. Wegman gunned it towards the exit leaving a trail of plastic bags in his wake.
Buffalo, NY – Local Buffalo Bills fans do not have a team to root for in the Super Bowl but they do agree that they’ll be ok if Miami’s stadium just get’s “totally destroyed” tonight.
A new survey conducted by The InnerLoop Blog asking our step dad’s shows 95% of Bills Fans as rooting for Hard Rock Stadium in Miami to have a small to a large fire at some point.
“We don’t want anyone to get hurt, but if the Dolphins organization could get hurt, that would be cool,” said one fan.
Sources tell us one member of Bills Mafia that works concessions at the stadium plans to literally “squishes the fish.” He promises to press down really hard on all the fish sandwiches served at the game tonight. “It’s a minor inconvenience, and it’s not going to hurt anyone. Just like the Dolphins defense.”
Rochester, NY – The Monroe County Executive Office held a private and somber event today where the officially retired Cheryl Dinolfo’s hair in their rafters.
As is tradition, no other Monroe County politician will be allowed to wear Dinolfo hairstyle without her expressed permission.
Dinolfo’s signature cut joins Louise Slaughter’s fake eyelashes and will soon be nestled next to Rich Funke’s toupé. which will be retired later this year since he announced he’s not seeking re-election.