Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Brighton Woman Accidentally Eats Seasoned Chicken During Black Restaurant Week

Rochester NY – Rochester’s first Black Restaurant Week started on Monday putting a focus on a different black-owned eatery every day. Marsha Knox of Brighton ventured out into the city to show her support and the Inner Loop Blog was there to capture her reaction.

“Oh my heavens that’s spicy” Marsha exclaimed as she started her meal at Unkl Moe’s BBQ. “Ma’am that’s the napkin,” a worker behind the counter informed Marsha.

Marsha intends to visit another black-owned restaurant but not until she recovers from burns to her face, mouth, and tongue from eating the spicy cajun chicken at Unkl Moe’s. “You’ve got to send me the recipe!” she yelled as she was taken away on a stretcher.

 

Legendary Film Critic Jack Garner Leaves Positive Review of Life in Will

Rochester, NY – This past week long-time local film critic Jack Garner passed away at the age of 75. During his storied career Garner reviewed hundreds of films but left one for the very end, the review of his life. The Inner Loop blog was able to obtain an excerpt from his will/life review.

10/10

My life was a rare achievement, I highly recommend it. Although it started slow, the pace picked up and did not lag until the very end. Thanks to the stunning performances of my wife and three children, my life was as fulfilling as it was miraculous. I have nothing bad to say, simply perfection!

 

Douglass Statue Vandal Insists He “Wasn’t Drunk, Just Racist”

Rochester, NY – Saturday night, the Frederick Douglass statue in Maplewood Park was ripped from its base and leaned against a fence along the Genesee River Gorge. Today, authorities arrested the man responsible.

Travis Fletcher, a 2020 graduate of Fairport High School, claimed responsibility for the crime this morning, stating “I know this looks bad, but I can assure you, I wasn’t drunk. I don’t even drink. I’m just incredibly racist, that’s all.”

Travis’s friend, Spencer Lockton, reached out to The Inner Loop today. “A bunch of us were just trying to get wasted, and Travis started talking all this nonsense about vandalizing the Frederick Douglass statue,” Spencer said. “I was like “buddy, have a beer and relax,” but he just ran toward the statue and tackled it like a freaking nut job.”

Fletcher has been charged with criminal mischief. He is still undecided on whether he will be attending St. John Fisher, or Nazareth in the fall.

Local Fireworks Bandit Says Shooting Them Off On The Holiday Doesn’t ‘Feel The Same’

Rochester, NY – Our city has been tormented by weeknight firework bandits for the better part of last month and now that the Fourth of July is here, the folks  that have been chucking them out their car window in neighborhoods and driving away are having mixed feelings.

The InnerLoop caught up with one of these local douchebags and they told us that while they had the stockpile for a “litty display” they will probably be saving them “for a time when people aren’t paying attention.”

They say that without some “uptight town Facebook group going nuts in the comments” it’s just not worth it. They plan to fire their loudest pyrotechnics near a local orphanage later this week to make up for lost time.

Clubhouse Fun Center Introduces Purell Gel Pit for Reopening

Henrietta, NY – As local businesses begin to figure out ways to alter their business during the recent phases of reopening. Greece tween hit spot Club House Fun Center has introduced an innovative solution.

The former ball pit has been replaced with a pit of Purell Anti-bacterial Gel.

“It really eliminates the hassle of having to constantly sanitize my hands. I just dunk my son in once or twice and he’s good for another 2 hours!” Said a local mom who had clearly snuck a flask of schnapps in with her purse.”

Along with the gel pit, the owners have introduced fun new COVID 19 based stickers and prizes to be purchased with game tickets.

KKK Lawyer Sends Pines Of Perinton Cease And Desist Letter

Perinton, NY – Local news outlets throughout Monroe County reported Thursday about racist graffiti discovered at Pines of Perinton apartment complex. This was shocking to absolutely no one. On Thursday afternoon, The Inner Loop got a call from the Pines of Perinton property manager, informing us that he received a cease and desist letter for copyright infringement from a lawyer representing the KKK.

The letter states “We at the KKK never gave any Pines of Perinton residents permission to use our logo. We want nothing to do with Pines of Perinton. As much as we love white people, not those white people.”

At press time, a crew is removing the graffiti with a power washer, and if that doesn’t work they plan to cover it with ICP posters.

Minor League Baseball’s Cancelation Forces Conehead to Come Home and Meet His Children

Rochester, NY – This past week it was announced that minor league baseball would forgo its 2020 season and no one was more devastated than Western New York beer vendor legend Tom ‘Conehead Girot.  After 40+ seasons of vending, Girot returned home to meet and spend time with his children who are now in their twenties. The Inner Loop blog was able to catch up with Tom and he told us how this long-overdue meeting felt.

 “I’m just so excited to get to know all my children. First, get to know their names… then teach them everything I know about being a great beer and snack vendor. The old Conehead guarantee used to be you get a warm beer from me, you get it for free but the new one is I’m going to be around a lot more and not wear the cone at the house…Doesn’t rhyme but it’s more poignant I think. 

 

Dad Banishes South Wedge Daughter’s ‘Bullshit’ Veggie Hotdog to the Side of the Grill

Rochester, NY – July 4th and BBQs go together like COVID-19 and a retirement home, so today, thousands of grills in Rochester are set to fire up and cook the meals for family gatherings.

One local dad is proud of his daughter for moving out of the home to her new apartment in the South Wedge but isn’t too happy with how it’s changed her diet. “Ever since she moved there, she started hanging out with some hippy vegan weirdos and now all she eats is kale and tofu bullshit,” says Frank Borcshal of Penfield.

In a passive-aggressive move, Frank plans to banish the veggie hotdogs she’s planning to bring to his house to the side of the grill he knows doesn’t “cook things good.” His hope is that if he undercooks it, she’ll refuse to eat it, and go back to eating “real hotdogs, like a real American!”

East Rochester Official Ordered to Remove Burning Cross From Lawn

East Rochester, NY – “But everyone in the neighborhood loves it,” Howard Lampen told the Inner Loop blog describing the ten-foot burning cross in his front yard. “I think they said it was political or offensive or something but honestly I think it’s pretty benign. I mean how can you argue against it? All it is is a cross…burning; ain’t got no connotation or nothing attached to it. I mean it’s my lawn, ain’t it?”

We reached out to the village of East Rochester for comment on the violation, “Oh he thought we told him to remove it because it was racist? Oh no, no, no, it’s just too close to his house. If he would move it back 10-15 feet he’ll be up to code. Oh boy, what a goof”

Frontier Field Hosts Paint Drying League to Make Up for Lack of Baseball

Rochester, NY –  News that the Red Wing’s 2020 season had been canceled left Frontier Field officials scrambling to find a way to fill the stands.

“We are all disappointed there will be no baseball this year,” one official told the blog, “but we think watching paint dry will be just as entertaining.”

During a press conference, officials from Frontier Field announced that the stadium will be hosting the National Paint Drying League (NPDL) for the rest of the summer.

“The NPDL knows they have big shoes to fill but they promise they will encourage their players to stand around and scratch their crotches just like baseball players do.”