Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Victor Resident Marks Himself Safe From Shooting 20 Miles Away

Victor, NY – Tony Manna 47, of Victor woke up Saturday to the horrific news of a mass shooting in the city on Pennsylvania Ave. ‘I knew I had to let all my Facebook friends know I was okay,’ Tony told the InnerLoop Blog. ‘I mean, that’s right down the street and on to 490 for about 15 miles or so from me. I mean a mass shooting in my neighborhood? Oh God, I guess we’ll just have to move again.

Mayor Warren Honored By RTS For Amount Of People She’s Thrown Under The Bus

Rochester, NY –  Based on Mayor Warren’s work this week firing Rochester Police Chief La’Ron Singletary, suspending her communications director and the city’s attorney, and using several interviews to blame everyone for not telling her the real story about Daniel Prude’s death, RTS has announced they will be awarding her a major honor.

Once a year the public transportation service honors an employee with their coveted Golden Bus Pass, but based on her amazing ability to deflect, they have decided for the first time to give it to a non-driver, and send it to the Mayor’s Office. According to a press release, the trophy was awarded to her for “contributions to public transportation by throwing everyone under the bus.”

With everything that’s going on for the Mayor, it’s at least nice that she doesn’t have to deal with a Grand Jury investigating her 2017 campaign money. Oh wait. She does. Our bad. Rough year huh?

Bills Stadium to Start Playing Feint Sounds of Fans Vomiting to Maintain Home Game Realism

Orchard Park, NY – The Buffalo Bills got their first victory of the year on Sunday by beating the Jets, but the players all agree there was something missing from the stadium without fans in the stands.

“I miss the crowd singing the shout song and I especially miss the dudes throwing up in the second quarter because they couldn’t pace themself during the tailgate,” said one anonymous Bills player.

To help maintain the realism of what it’s like to play in front of Bills fans, the organization is asking people to send in clips of themselves vomiting so that they can mix that audio with the league approved fake crowd noise. The instructions specify to “please make it a chicken wing induced hurl, and yes, we will be able to tell the difference by how it sounds.”

East Ave Bars Criticized for Trying to Charge Protesters $15 Cover Charge

Rochester,NY- The eyes of the nation are currently on Rochester. Following the death of Daniel Prude at the hands of the RPD. Rocheserians have been protesting all labor day weekend demanding justice. Another controversy has popped up this past weekend, local east avenue bar owners are upset with the amount of people using their streets without adhering to the mandatory $15 cover charge.We spoke with the owner of one bar to get his perspective.

” I understand that these protests are for a good cause, but I’m trying to run a business over here. No ones coming into our bars, not that I really approve of how the protesters dress, but I think I have the right to demand money for a street I dont own to people I could care less about”

Antifa Storm Into The Riot Room, Leave It Spotless

Rochester, NY – Civil unrest has once again hit the streets of Rochester following the murder of Daniel Prude and protesters have once again started marching for change. While the demonstrators have been overwhelmingly peaceful, there have been a few bad actors.

In one of the most heinous acts of aggression, a video forwarded to our blog shows a group of hooligans claiming to be Antifa barging into The Riot Room on East Ave, and cleaning the entire bar.

“This is a place meant for smashing and rioting, yet these protesters came in and gave us a complete makeover,” said bar manager Stacy Greenfield. “It’s the worst thing that could happen to us. We’re ruined.”

“Thanks for Canceling Plastic Bags” Says Lake Ontario Fish After Eating Fifth Facemask Today

Durand Beach – The local fish population has reached out to The Innerloop Blog to let us know that they’re super excited that the amount of Wegmans bags they’ve eaten this year has dropped significantly.

They also let us know that they’re super pumped about the new facemask treats Rochesterians are leaving flying around on beaches. One fish told us “the light dash of COVID tastes like truffle oil to us under the sea.”

Our writer tried to explain to the fish that those are not edible, but unfortunately, the acid he was on wore off.

Trump Locks up Webster Vote, Pardons Parents Who’ve Been Kicked Out of Their Kid’s Game

Washington D.C. – President Trump is doubling down on his efforts to capture the votes of Rochester women by adding onto his pardon of Susan B Anthony.

Insider sources say that during his RNC speech, he will be pardoning any parent that has ever been kicked out of their child’s game for yelling at a volunteer referee, another parent, their child, or another kid playing the sport.

According to the “Webster Mom’s Facebook Group”, he now officially has their endorsement.  The Brighton Mom’s Facebook Group is waiting to see if he’ll pardon “people who have sent direct threats to managers at their home address.”

Student Wonders if His Coronavirus From MCC Will Transfer to Brockport

Rochester, NY – As many students are dealing with the uncertainty of what it means to attend school during a pandemic, some students are wondering if the coronavirus they contract from Monroe Community College will transfer with them to the four year program at Brockport.

“I just hope all of the hard work that me, my fellow students, as well as the staff here have put into this fall semester of giving each other coronavirus doesn’t go to waste,” said a student who chose to remain nameless as he spit his answer into our tape recorder during our interview.

The student said he had no sense of whether or not school would remain open for the rest of the semester, on top of also having no sense of taste or smell due to the illness that was ravaging him.

There is no telling story what the future holds for these bright-eyed students who are entering campus this fall with dreams of eventually taking the skills and antibodies they receive in school with them into their future careers.

Wegmans Reveals New Line of “Positive Energy You Feel Good About” Spirit Crystals

Rochester, NY – During the midst of a pandemic Wegmans has debuted a new product aimed at casual shoppers and tie-dye clad free spirits alike.

At a recent press conference, a red-eyed Danny Wegman slowly walked onstage to announce the supermarket’s new line of hippie woo-woo nonsense to reporters.

“The Wegmans Brand has always been about providing quality mysticism that makes you feel real positive vibes, man.” Wegman said 

The crystals can be found by following the thick smell of incense and ringing of tiny bells at all Wegmans locations.

“Our green semi-precious stones hit right at your wallet chakra,” Wegmans said, “making you feel refreshed and wanting to spend more money at our stores.”

Pittsford Woman Proudly Retires From Activism After Placing Black Lives Matter Sign in Front Lawn

Pittsford, NY – Karen Smith has dedicated countless hours to combating systemic racism from the comfort of her upper middle class Pittsford home. Now she feels it is time to take the fight to her front yard.

“It has been a long struggle,” Karen told the Blog, “but after 10 minutes of searching online, I finally found a Black Lives Matter lawn sign with free shipping.”

After walking a grueling twenty feet out her front door and placing the sign near the edge of the road she knew it was time to retire.

“I think I have done all I can for racial justice in this country,” Karen said while taking out her new iPhone, “all that is left to do now is post a nice photo on Instagram with the proper activist hashtags.”