MIAMI, FL – Preparing for a matchup with the Dolphins this Sunday, one Bills player is more excited about a perceived opportunity to imbibe on local delicacies.
“Obviously I am focused on the Dolphins and getting us to 7-3, and the availability of the best blow in the country is going to come in handy so I can do a couple rails at halftime to keep the peddle to the metal” Josh Allen gleefully spoke to the media at his press conference, apparently unaware that street drugs are still illegal in Miami and the entire state of Florida despite what we know about Florida.
“Honestly it’s pretty awesome the NFL gives everyone who plays a Florida team a free pass from mandatory drug tests so we can let loose a little bit” Allen, doing a line off the podium before he is tackled by head coach Sean Mcdermott
Avon, NY – It’s local guys named Brad or Clay’s favorite time of year. Deer murdering season.
Local heroes of all ages, and all shapes of white men, will spend the entirety of most weekends sitting up in a tree, covered in deer piss, listening to Joe Rogan podcasts, waiting for anything to walk by so they can shoot an arrow through its neck. Why? Well obviously it’s for “population control” and they get no pleasure out of watching the life drain from another creature’s eyes. Also, it has nothing to do with their frail masculinity and a need to prove their not gay even though wearing matching clothes and going on “retreats” in “log cabins” is 100% slang for secret gay sex.
It’s for these reasons that Travis Burksble from Avon can not believe more people haven’t liked the pics he’s posted on social media of all his kills. Clearly, he’s posting them just to let his family and friends know they can sleep easy at night knowing that there is one less Deer trying to sneak into their children’s bedroom to drop little pellet sized poops in their bed or get into their master bedroom to sleep with their wife.
He’s not posting them for clout. He’s not posting them to piss off the “librals” or “vegans.” He posts the pics of bloodied, gutted deer so everyone knows he has a big girthy penis, and he’d appreciate if you hit the like button to confirm you know that for a fact.
Rochester, NY- Mother winter is here and she is a nasty bitch. The heavy snow struck Rochester over the weekend and everyone is in great mourning of the dark times ahead of us. Rochesterians have gathered together in remembrance of the “Double Rainbow” we all experienced last month. It brings a smile to our face while we face these trivial times. We spoke with a local resident about this memory.
” You know, whenever winter strikes, I usually just stack up on a bunch of weed and hang out in my apartment for about six months. Which is exactly what I’m doing, but now I get to remember that double rainbow everyone was posting about. It’s cool I guess”.
Rochester, NY – Henrietta native Steve McBilerton has had no issues getting to work this week since he made the conscious choice to leave his winter tires on all year.
“You just can’t trust the weather here,” says McBilerton . “I don’t want to get caught slipping and sliding like you a-holes so I just never take my snow tires off.”
McBilerton is now on his 6th set of winter tires since he started leasing the car in 2017. They get worn around mid-July and he just buys four brand new ones. He is now $4,000 in the hole and says “it’s worth every penny.”
ROCHESTER, NY – With yet another snowstorm coming out of nowhere and surprising a city that has been devastated by harsh winters every year since the dawn of man, some residents are choosing a more permanent solution to avoid the shock of waking up to an ice-covered vehicle.
“We’ve gotten a lot of requests to just throw a reminder on people’s foreheads that every day they need to be prepared for a motivation obliterating storm that will make their morning commute a living hell. Apparently, it’s easier than remembering we live in a snow globe 9 months out of the year.” Said local tattoo artist and Fast Ferry truther Billiam T Middlediddle
Some of the tattoos requested:
“Buy a god damn car starter”
“It’s frozen, it’s snowing, stay home”
Rochester, NY – “The only thing that kept me going when I was cold was the thought of some meat hot sauce” said Local Veteran Dale Dunigan.
Even though he only served only one year in the Army before he was dishonorably discharged for lighting up a bunker with brutal mac salad farts, Mr. Dunigan is happy to take any deal on Rochester’s iconic food during Veterans Day.
“I usually have about three on Veterans Day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s like 20 meals for the price of 2” he said before burping so hard he vomited a little bit.
Rochester, NY – Netflix, historically secretive about the inner workings of their company made an incredible revelation today. Apparently, there are only three Netflix accounts that are all being shared by everyone in the city.
There used to be 4 until Todd canceled his subscription.
Fuck you Todd.