Rochester,NY- Every Monday that rolls around, Rochesterians have the pleasure of going to check out some local comedy at Boulder coffee. Even though the mic is aimed primarily at jokes, some people are very flattered that the comic’s seem to actually care about their lives. We spoke with a local woman who attended the last open-mic.
” You know, I usually go there expecting dick jokes and mediocre comedy, but I was genuinely surprised by how sweet and sincere all the comics were. Every single one that got on stage asked us “How’s it going?”. I mean, my husband doesn’t even ask me how’s it going anymore. So for these mostly young, dirty men talking about STDS and being poor to ask me such a genuine question. It really make’s me love them, but I definitely will not be returning to that mic again.”
ROCHESTER, NY – Winter has arrived and with that, parking in the city just went from wildly inconvenient to an absolute waking nightmare for those who wish to go out in the city or just live there without the luxury of off-street parking.
Nowhere is that need to park anywhere but the snow and ice-covered streets more necessitated than Meigs Street, where your mirrors and tail lights serve as an obstacle course to drunks trying to navigate down a 4 foot wide, unplowed road at 3 AM during nonstop snowfall.
But here are some tips and tricks to steer clear of having to go to the detailing shop because some dipshit played bumper cars after a long night grinding at Vertex…
- Take an Uber – No way to get your car clobbered if you leave your car home in the suburbs or wherever it is you live to avoid the hellscape of parking anywhere in the city on a weekend. Why’d your buddy even pick JD Oxfords? Do you even like him enough to go hang out there on a Saturday night when it’s 10 degrees out? Fuck you Jeremy.
- Throw some parking cones around your car – Hey if the city isn’t going to plow Meigs, throw on a safety vest and pretend your car is a construction site. Maybe just maybe it’ll help push travelers to the other side so they can hit those cars instead. If you get a ticket from a Parking Monitor, just throw it away, parking tickets aren’t real.
- Park at Mark’s Texas Hots – They say if you park there, you’ll get towed: and they’re right you will be. And you’ll be towed to the scariest lot you’ve ever seen where nobody is even there and you’ll have to handsome dude who just rolls up in a beat-up civic your credit card to pay $180 in the hopes he can actually let your car out. But hey it beats the bill you’ll get at any repair shop for the damage of a hit and run am I right?
- Go to Hooligans in Greece or Webster – Just bail on city plans and go to the suburbs, where you can park your car safely away from careless drivers and can just go inside and get into a fight with someone who looks like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore.
ORCHARD PARK, NY – At 9-3, the Buffalo Bills are off to their best start in years, with the opportunity to clinch a playoff spot this week against Baltimore with a win. Fans are abuzz with hope (and a lot of Labatts) as their team appears to be building a culture of winning for the first time since Jim Kelly was called Machine Gun Kelly (really, see picture below).
Fans are so excited for this team that there is almost no concern that it will end in tears as it has in every year they have played for the last 49 years.
“Josh Allen is the savior! We’re going to run the table and win a super bowl because God has finally decided to let Buffalo have some success. And if I see some yuppie fuck at a tailgate dipping his wings in ranch I will personally power bomb him through my stand up George Foreman grill” said lifelong Bills fan and part time hot dog pickler, Jeff Deljeff.
ROCHESTER, NY – The Annual Keg Tree Lighting at Genesee Brewery has become a staple of the Rochester holiday season, however due to circumstances beyond the community’s understanding, CEO Kirk Butterdud abruptly announced there would be no event this year because “shut the fuck up, I’m tired and there’s no more beer. J-j-just like stack a bunch of cans in your backyard or something who fuckin cares?” Butterdud then sprinted off and dove headfirst into high falls, where he had to be rescued by emergency services.
At last update he is in stable condition at Strong Hospital, and his BAC was .420. A high ranking official from Genesee confirmed that he had indeed consumed an entire keg of 12 Horse after a fight with his wife Rochelle.
ROCHESTER, NY – In a landmark court case sure to shake up the pun-based joke community, Dogtown Hots is asserting the writers of Bob’s Burgers stole their food-based joke format with Bob’s Burger of the day.
“We truly believe we invented food-based jokes, and I’m pretty sure I saw that Arby’s peddling bastard H Jon Benjamin in here taking photos of our special board and yelling ‘wow this is going to be great for my new cartoon show Bob’s Burgers, airing Sundays at 8:30 After Family Guy during Fox’s Animation Domination’ at the top of his lungs” – said Dogtown owner and part-time forklift refurbisher Alden Trundle.
At this time the only courthouse willing to accept this case has been former local judge Leticia Astacio, who is promoting her new show on public access “Bad Judgment”
The Bob’s Burger’s creators and Jon Benjamin could not be reached for comment, but when we tweeted at them we were instantly blocked and reported for harassment, so now we have to deal with that now.
ROCHESTER, NY – A new law signed by outgoing Grand Moff Cheryl Dinolfo will require that police officers are afforded a nappy-poo and a baba any time they get an ouchy in their fee-fees. Said baba and possible blankey must be provided by anyone who has the audacity to ask that officers not break the law themselves or use excessive, disproportionate force against certain members of the population.
“The members of the Rochester Police Department are sworn officers of the law. We have seen a lot of rough stuff in our time on duty, and the general public is probably too weak to deal with our day-to-day”, said David Dukakis, a representative of the Rochester locust Club, a police union named after the type of wood that is used to make the batons they use to beat the shit out of civilians.
“However”, he continued, “If you hurt us in any way, like demanding us to take responsibility for our actions or accusing someone of stealing their own car, or take a picture of us beating up someone in a wheelchair, it hurts us weawwy bad, and it will make us cwy”. Thus, he implored, the need for a baba, and possibly a hot cocoa. Dukakis then sat in the corner to watch Paw Patrol.
Dinolfo insisted that this law is not a response to the success of the Police Accountability Board ballot measure that overwhelmingly passed in November. But she said that the police should be able to investigate themselves without outside interference, much in the way the Mafia lost its power by internally looking at what they were doing and eventually stopped committing crimes.
When asked who is supposed to pay for the blankies and babas for the officers whose fee-fees got boo-boos, Dinolfo said that there is will be a graphical metric based on who hurt the officer that is just a paper bag.
Henrietta, NY – A local attorney is cashing in on Rochester natives with a death wish who are choosing to do last-minute Thanksgiving shopping at Wegmans.
As we all know, Wegmans that day before any holiday is a hellish landscape on par with Water World or Mad Max. If you are able to walk out of there with your life, and the last can of corn, you should count your blessings.
“I just figured it would be best for people to have their affairs in order before heading into the modern-day coliseum known as Weggies,” said Roger England Attorney at Law. He is currently charging $300 for a will or $50 if you can grab him all the things he has on his grocery list.