Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Bob Lonsberry Declares War on Hasbro, Cancel Culture. Releases Line of ‘Masculine Rutabaga-Men’ Toys

Rochester, NY – Conservative radio host Bob Lonsberry is so fed up with cancel culture that he’s releasing a new line of children’s toys to try and stop another generation of sliding further to the left.
Following Hasbro’s announcement that they were “cancelling” Mr Potato Head’s prefix, Lonberry quickly found a local partner to make a new line of hyper-binary toys built to show kids that there are only two choices. “Either your vegetables have a pee-pee or they have a bergihna. That’s just basic agriculture,” said Lonsberry in a statement.
The toys will be available for only a short time at Kimberly and Beck’s new business venture, the White Nationalist Museum Of Play.

RPD Hires Occupational Therapist to Help Officers Recover From Repeated Slaps on the Wrist

Rochester, NY – Following the news that no officers will be charged following an investigation into the death of Daniel Prude, the Rochester Police Department has announced they’ve hired a new member to help them deal with the fallout.

“We’ve noticed a surge in cases of our officers getting slaps on the wrist from the people in charge of our oversight,” says an RPD Spokesperson. “All of that lack of accountability really weighs on these brave men and women so we’ve decided to use some of our budget to bring on an occupational therapist full-time.”

The health care professional’s main task will be making sure the officers’ wrists do not sustain any long-term damage from getting let off by grand jury investigations.

The police spokesperson confirmed this is a very important role stating “wrists are very important to our staff as they’re often what we use to put our body weight into someone’s neck while restraining them.”

Kid Who Licks Handrails While in Line Excited Seabreeze Is Reopening This Summer

Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that amusement parks will be able to open as early as April this summer in New York and Seabreeze is planning to allow 33% capacity to start off with.

“Good,” says little Tommy McCallister. The third grader says he loves the park but he is especially excited to finally get back to licking the handrails in the lines for rides as people behind him look on in horror.

“As far as taste goes, the Jack Rabbit handrails are a delicious vintage of rust but my favorite has to be the bumper cars. They’re located close enough to the fried dough that everything tastes sweet.”

Construction On “Rush Limbaugh International Airport” To Begin In East Rochester Next Week

East Rochester, NY – Earlier this week, conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh passed away after a battle with lung cancer. This prompted mixed reactions from Americans, many of whom were grateful for his death. Limbaugh was seen by many as a bigoted troll, but in East Rochester, he was a hero – a hero apparently worthy of his own airport.

“If Frederick Douglass gets his own airport, Rush should too,” East Rochester resident Sam Rosier told an Inner Loop reporter. “He spoke to people like me – people who aren’t racist or homophobic, but also aren’t crazy about gays or minorities.”

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with East Rochester Mayor Jim Anderson, who confirmed that construction on an airport bearing Limbaugh’s name will commence next week. “People visiting the area deserve the option to land at an airport not named after a black guy,” Anderson told an Inner Loop reporter.

Cinema Theater Floor To Be Sold Off As Military Grade Adhesive

Rochester, NY – It was announced today that Rochester’s oldest movie complex the “Cinema Theater” will be closing indefinitely due to the COVID restrictions. While there is no certainty on what will happen to the business in the future, the Innerloop Blog as gotten word that the owners will be liquidating some of their assets.

Their biggest money maker will reportedly be a government contract they’ve signed in regards to the floor of their theater.

“This cinema has been open since 1914 and it’s seen its fair share of spills,” said Army Contractor Pete Whither. “We’re planning on scrapping up some of that vintage goop and sticky-what-not to use on our supplies.” According to tests, the adhessiveness levels to the floor actually exceed most military grade products.

NASA has also been in contact to buy some of the gum stuck underneath the theater’s seats to use on their rockets.

Study: Rochester Ranks Among World’s Tightest Buttholes Due to Clenching Over Potholes

Rochester, NY – Senior Anus Elasticity Scientist Linus Magnusson has spent the better part of the last decade traveling the globe and paying strangers on Craigslist to let him test their BHS (booty hole strength), and according to his most recent report, Rochesterians have some of the world’s tightest buttholes.

“Due to all of the involuntary clenching these Western New Yorkers do when they run over a pothole with their car, their anus has gained tremendous strength.,” says Dr. Magnusson. “Metaphorically speaking, if the rest of the world is at ‘toy finger trap’ level tightens, Rochester buttholes are at

Winter Storm Decides to Move South After Hearing Bunch of Bad Stuff About Cuomo

Rochester, NY – Yesterday, Western New York was bracing itself for the storm of the century. Mother Nature was expected to drop 18 inches of snow across the region. This morning, however, Rochesterians were underwhelmed to find four inches of cold white powder, leaving them wondering what happened to the “monster” storm local meteorologists had been calling for.

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with the storm, which has settled in North Carolina. We asked the storm why it had decided to move South, to which it replied “I just wasn’t happy with a lot of the stuff I was hearing about Governor Cuomo. Between fudging those numbers at nursing homes, and crippling small businesses, I just figured I’d be happier elsewhere.”

At press time, the storm is commenting about how much New York State sucks under a D&C article.

Local Shelter Looking To Re-Home Abandoned Pet That Looks A Lot Like Tom Park

Rochester, NY – A local Rochester shelter has put out several social media posts looking for a “forever home” for a “senior pet” that has looks a lot like Tom Park from the Fuccillo Dealership ads.

According to their description of the critter he’s house trained and deals well with people yelling at him. However, they do warn that “Huge” is a very triggering word for him and warn he may have an accident if you say it too close to his face.

Wegmans Offering Organic Versions of COVID-19 Vaccine, Same Formula but Twice the Price

Rochester, NY – Wegmans has partnered with government officials to offer the COVID-19 vaccine at select locations for those who qualify and they’ve just announced they will also start to roll out their own name brand vaccine soon.

The Innerloop Blog has received an advanced copy of their press release and we’re posting it in its entirety here:

“Much like we’ve cracked Dr. Pepper’s secret recipe to make Dr. W, unlocked the mysteries of LaCroix to release our own line of boujee water, we’ve figured out the Phizer vaccine and soon we’ll be offering Wegmans Organic COVID-19 preventative in the Nature’s Marketplace section of certain stores.”

The expected retail price will be just enough for you to feel okay buying it but regret it as soon as you get home.

German House Invades Polish American Club

Rochester, NY – Yesterday is a day that will live in infamy. At approximately 4:00 PM, German House forces drunkenly invaded the Polish American Club.

We could not reach the Polish American Club president, Stanislaw Patrikowski, for comment because he was too busy cooking pierogies. We at The Inner Loop, however, assume he is not cool with the goings-on.

The Inner Loop was able to sit down with German House owner, Hans Merkel, who said “Gugenheimen lasch jorgendoggen thock trachtenhorden!!!!!” which translates to “The Fourth Reich will take control of Rochester, and there is no better place to start with than with the PAC!!!!!”

Mayor Warren said she is planning an air strike on the German House for noon tomorrow, but is hoping that everyone will sober up and go home by then.