Rochester,NY- The Buffalo Bills came so far to only be stopped short of their glory. With all of WNY in mourning at the moment, we have just learned that the city of Rochester has called for volunteer cleaners to help clean up the city streets filled with all the Buffalo Bills fans who we’re clearly on the bandwagon as they started to ascend to greatness.
Buffalo, NY – For the past two weeks football fans have finally been able to go see their favorite team play live at Bills Stadium. The success of the required pre-game testing for attendance has some local scientists pondering if this could mean something even bigger than Buffalo fans will actually be extra careful with socially distancing if they have a $100+ Bills ticket on the line.
“We started to think, what do all these Bills fans have in common, and what might effect COVID-19,” says Local Virus Researcher Abdul Johnson. “So we squirted some Frank’s Red Hot into a vial of spit contaminated with COVID, and also poured some Blue Cheese into a petri dish with coronavirus.”
According to Johnson, the results need a lot more testing but it is possible the moldy blue cheese might scare off the virus. “We’ve found COVID-19 could be more attracted to ranch dressing once again proving this virus was created by the devil himself.”
Canandaigua, NY – Bristol Mountain Ski Patrol had a busy day today after a man fell from the Comet Express lift into a tree. Luckily the man fell into a tree where skiers and snowboarders like to throw bras and he was saved from any major injuries thanks to his arms and legs getting tangled in a few double-D braziers.
“According to local lore, the bra tree tradition started in the ’60s as a way dudes showed off their sexual conquest from the night before,” says Bristol Mountain Hot Cocoa Artist Steve Bertorous. “Actually, it was panties back then but they attracted too many wild animals so the lodge asked people to switch to bras.”
Rochester, NY – Wade Harden has been in and out of bands in Rochester ever since high school but since that doesn’t pay the bills he works during the day at a local retirement home. Because of his work with the elderly Harden was actually amongst the lucky few to get the COVID vaccine here in Monroe County. And according to his friends, he won’t shut up about it.
“He keeps on texting us about an ‘amazing gig’ he just played in the Dome Arena,” says Sarah Hannigan. “I don’t know if it’s a side effect of the injection but he really seems to think he performed inside the venue like he is Machine Gun Kelly or something.”
The InnerLoop Blog has received several screenshots from Mr. Harden’s colleagues claiming he’s “finally played on a real stage.” He’s also sent out pictures of the bandage area on his arm claiming he “needed a medic” after a fan grabbed him.
BREAKING NEWS: With only one day left in the white house, Donald Trump has announced he will pardon a local Webster man who in an act of pure defiance asked for beans on his garbage plate. This in Rochester is known as a federal crime. This man was potentially facing the death sentence, but by the grace of Donald Trump, he is set to be pardoned later today. We here at The Inner Loop Blog have a neutral opinion on this situation.
He should burn in hell.
Rochester, NY – ‘All I said was, I don’t really care about football,’ Joel Stevens of Penfield told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Next thing I knew, security was escorting me out the building and I was told not to report back the next day.
The Inner Loop did some research on this and it turns out that Section 16A of the NYS Employment handbook clarifies that ‘if/when the Buffalo Bills are in the playoffs a general indifference to the magnitude of or lack thereof excitement of the rare occurrence gives power to management to dismiss employees at will and with out reason.’
‘I just don’t see what the big deal is.’ Joel told the Blog and we warned him to watch who he said that around if he knows what’s good for him.
Greece, NY – This past week, Governor Andrew Cuomo lifted restrictions for restaurants located within the orange zone, allowing for indoor dining. The Olive Garden located on Ridge Road in Greece was one such restaurant that opened its doors to patrons excited to enjoy an ‘authentic’ Italian meal.
“I picked up my kids from their father’s house and told them momma’s taking ya’ll out for a fancy meal tonight,’ Monica Lane, mother of four told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Unlimited breadsticks is for sure worth risking my family’s health over, c’mon now. Listen, it’s been a tough couple of months and I just needed a salad on a chilled plate and a pasta dish smothered with way too much sauce and cheese. I mean, is that so much to ask for? We can’t travel no where on a count of all this covid b.s. but at the Olive Garden, there’s always the Tour of Italy. Now, stuff the rest of them breadsticks in momma’s purse so we can get another order to go.”
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills are heading to the AFC Championship game and some of their MVPs from their game against the Baltimore Ravens are getting some well-deserved recognition.
Today the NFL Bills Store and all of the Chinese rip-off sites online have reported a massive surge in jerseys for WIND and FG POSTS. Their combined sales have actually overtaken Buffalo’s quarterback Josh Allen for the most sales on the team.
For anyone who was talking with their family or better themselves instead of watching the game, the wind and field goal posts worked as a fantastic unit early in the game to cause the Raven’s kicker Justin Tucker to miss two field goals.
One Bills Mafia member that was at the game told The InnerLoop Blog “the sound of those doinks off the crossbar is the greatest sound I have ever heard and I have heard my babies laugh and my wife tell me I was the best lover she’s ever had. That sound tops both of those.”
Buffalo, NY – After a 17-3 win over the Baltimore Ravens, the Buffalo Bills will be advancing to their first AFC championship game since 1994. The victory was sweet, but the celebration was cut short when Bills Mafia boss Angelo Fraggaloni was indicted on RICO charges.
Details are still emerging, but according to Erie County District Attorney John Flynn, Fraggaloni was engaged in “some really grimy sh*t.” Fraggaloni, known among friends as “The Table Crusher,” “Angie Arms,” and “Fraggaloni Rock,” was eating wings at Anchor Bar when he was tackled by FBI agents and taken into custody. The Inner Loop will be providing updates on this developing story.
Rochester, NY – “We’ve been ahead of the no fans in the stands movement before it was cool,” says Rochester Americans Chief Attendance Director Linden Nixon.
The American Hockey League just announced they’ll be returning to the ice starting in February and the Rochester Americans will be facing off once again in the Blue Cross Arena. But as per their tradition, they will be playing without fans present for the 65th year in a row.
“I think the government ordinance making other teams play without anyone cheering them on gives us a leg up,” says Danny Canadianname. “These other hosers aren’t used to being able to hear their own thoughts but we haven’t heard as much as a ‘woo’ in years. Eventually, the silence will get to these other teams and they’ll have a full-on identity crisis. That’s when we’ll get ’em.”