Category Archives: The Inner Loop

Fortune Teller at Spirit Room Somehow Didn’t See This Coming

“”Boy I really dropped the ball, huh” said Krystal Night the third generation warlock who served as Spirit Rooms official fortune teller.

Last week social media was a buzz with calls to cancel the quirky bar due to its mistreatment of employees, which seemed in stark contrast from the “nothing bad will happen in October” Tarot Card that the fortune teller had pulled while giving the owners a reading.

We were told that as retribution for the incorrect reading, the Tarot reader was body checked into the walk in freezer before being hexed with an unpaid suspension spell.

Gates Bus Driver Accused of Driving Sober

Gates, NY – The Gates-Chili school district announced Monday that they were investigating reports of a bus driver driving completely sober.

“It is truly shocking that someone would dare  get behind the wheel of a school bus without a drop of alcohol in their system.” One school official said.

Witnesses say that the bus driver was seen obeying all traffic laws and driving exactly the speed limit while children were on board.

“What kind of sick person would use their turn signal in this day and age?” A parent told the Blog, “I don’t pay high taxes so my children can get to school safely!”

Fortunately, no students were injured and many were too high to remember their harrowing experience on the bus.

Mathematicians Retire the Number ‘8’ in Honor of Steve Barnes

Rochester, NY – Mathematicians from the University of Rochester have started a movement to officially retire the number eight as a way to honor local hero Steve Barnes.

“We were absolutely devastated by the news of his passing,” said Professor Roofus McNorman. “It just didn’t feel right typing in number 8 on a calculator, let only a phone. Sometimes I just found myself calling 8 just to feel something again.”

The plan is to simply skip over the number and go straight to nine until Trent Reznor dies tragically.

City to Throw Huge Party to Celebrate Lowest COVID-19 Case Rate in Country

Rochester, NY – A New York Times study reported that Monroe County has the lowest Covid-19 rate in the country for communities with more than 500k people.

“I think it’s a cause for a party,” a county executive exclaimed after hearing the news.

Plans for the celebration have been put into work and The Inner Loop Blog has received a first draft of the details.

Where: Blue Cross Arena

Activities: Mosh Pit, Long Spit Contest, Finger-food buffet, Orgy and much more!

The event is free to the public and attendees over 65 receive a free ‘lowest covid rate in the country’ t-shirt (while supplies last)

  • Buffet Line

Flaming Zamboni Polling At 6% In Presidential Race

Brighton, NY – Wednesday evening, a Zamboni burst into flames on an ice rink in Brighton after a youth hockey practice. The unusual occurrence has taken the nation by storm, and the Zamboni has become so popular that it is now polling at 6% in the 2020 presidential race.

If the Zamboni can keep this kind of momentum up until the election, it could drastically alter the outcome, and possibly even win. Many voters have been waiting for a candidate to emerge who has never been accused of sexual assault.

Study: Rochesterians Waste 5 Years of Their Life Behind Slow-Walkers in Wegmans

Rochester, NY – A new study shows that people who walk slowly while shopping at Wegmans are doing more than robbing your sanity, they’re also stealing your time.

Researchers say the average Rochesterian will waste just about half a decade getting stuck behind slow walkers while grabbing groceries. Most of that time will be spent awkwardly trying to decide whether they have enough space to get around them.

The study also found locals are losing at least two years to elderly folks slow-typing their phone number in to get Shopper’s Club deals.

Butter Boy Tests Positive for COVID-19

Wegmans mascot Butter Boy became the latest public figure to contract the coronavirus.

Our sources say that Butter Boy May have been present at the senate confirmation hearing that has been linked to an outburst of Covid within the White House.

We are not sure what the connection is between The President and Mr.Boy at this time.

When asked if he would quarantine and wear a mask in the future Butter Boy was quoted as saying

“Of course. What kind of idiot would refuse to quarantine or wear a mask after being diagnosed with Covid-19?”

Rochester to Use Mayor Lovely Warrens Lies to Fill All of Cities Potholes

Rochester, NY- Scandal is sweeping across Rochester as the news of Mayor Lovely warren being indicted by the grand jury. What has already been a crazy month is now going to get even weirder as we follow this story. The Inner Loop has been fortunate enough to grab a story that has yet been leaked to the public. The city planners of Rochester are prepping to fix all the potholes in Rochester by using the past decade of Mayor Lovely Warren’s lies to fill them up. This is what one councilman had to say about it.

” You know, we’ve never really had a proper solution to all the potholes in Rochester, it seems like cement isn’t enough to keep them filled for good. That’s why we came up with the idea of taking all the lies and non-sense Lovely Warren has been feeding us for so long and stuffing them down in the ground where they belong. Local scientists have discovered that her lies are more solid and uncrackable than any sort of cement we’ve used for the past years.

When we asked them if this means 490 construction will become less frequent they responded with ” LOL, no”

Rochesterians Excited to Vote for a Bunch of Local Politicians They Know Nothing About

Rochester, NY – Election season is in full swing and local residents could not be more excited to exercise their right to vote for someone they know absolutely nothing about.

“Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope I fill in a bubble on the ballot,” one voter told the Blog, “but usually I just pick the candidate with the funniest name.”

Excitement for the upcoming elections has taken the suburbs by storm, where lawn signs supporting candidates no one has ever heard of can be seen everywhere.

“I don’t know who these people are or what they stand for,” one resident said, “but Lord knows I am going to blindly vote for all the candidates affiliated with my political party.”

Greece Man Who Doesn’t Know What “Indicted” Means Unsure How To Feel About Lovely Warren News

Rochester, NY – Last week, news broke that Mayor Lovely Warren had been indicted in felony campaign finance fraud. The city of Rochester was shook to its core, for the most part. However, those who do not know what the word “indicted” means were unsure what to think, or how to feel.

“I mean, I guess it could be a good thing,” Rochester resident Kurt Halford told an Inner Loop reporter. “But it could also be a bad thing. Lovely Warren seems like a bad seed, and if being indicted is a bad thing, that’s good for the city. And vice versa. So my feelings depend on whether or not being indicted is a good thing or bad thing. All I know is Lovely Warren sucks, go Bills!”