Rochester, NY – Duran Eastman Beach is planning to re-open on Saturday June 19th but it’s already showing signs of life.
Rochesterians taking romantic strolls along the beach have reported stepping on “extra squishy” sand and researchers have found what they’re digging their toes into is actually lightly buried used diapers.
For some reason it has been a tradition for some families to leave their garbage behind after enjoying the beach. Experts say they’re either the most forgetful people in the world or “complete assholes.” Either way, much like the Canadian Geese, it appears these ‘assholes’ have returned to the waters of Lake Ontario and they’re leaving literal shit everywhere.
Rochester, NY – Local botanists are sending out a plea for people to support the plant life on Park Ave and to please make time to come downtown to “urinate or vomit into a bush.”
The plant researchers are worried that the flowers, shrubs, trees, and other greenery has gotten used to feeding off of human fluids after years of Park Ave Festival parties. Now they’re showing signs of withdrawal.
“We’ve found several plants growing in the direction of a nearby gutter like they were reaching out for some nastiness,” said Dr. Nate Grassman. “We’re petitioning the city to bus in drunken college students from East/Alexander to give them some nourishment.”
Rochester, NY – Mike Anthony, of Webster well-known for being an atrocious son made amends for his past behavior this Mother’s Day by taking his mom out to brunch at Jine’s on Park Ave. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to hear his thoughts on turning a new leaf.
‘Yeah, I don’t know. I just figured this year I wouldn’t suck, ya know? So I thought what do moms like? Well for one, they don’t like when you live at home at age 35, contribute absolutely nothing, and are a loser just like your father…her words not mine. But hey, you know what they do like? Eggs Benny baby!Extra holiday sauce for the special lady over here!
Rochester, NY – Soccer is officially back in Rochester, as a new team will be starting in the National Independent Soccer Association. The new team has been named Flower City Union and is set to debut in 2022.
This has led several Rochesterians to wonder if this means that the Rochester Rhinos are gone for good. The answer, surprisingly, is no.
The Rhinos have not played since 2018, but are expected to make their return in 2022, meaning that Rochester will soon have 2 professional men’s soccer teams. Since most people forgot that the Rhinos stopped playing in the first place, it’s safe to say that a lot will forget when these teams first hit the field.
Edit: The Rochester Lancers also still exist, by the way.
Rochester, NY – Over the last month the city has seen an uptick in the number of unregistered dirt bikes and ATVs on the streets and the RPD is at their wit’s end. ‘We’ve tried education, engagement, and in some cases confiscation but everywhere you look REEE REEEEE there’s another one going by,’ a representative for the police force told the Inner Loop Blog. The crackdown is in response to two recent fatal crashes and neighborhood uproar over their potential dangers.
‘We’ve tried everything except the ‘parent method’ What is the parent method you ask? Well, it’s when parents want their children to stop doing something, so they start doing it themselves. No kid wants to be caught doing what the parent is doing because that would be super lame, so they stop doing it. We’re not by any means saying we’re parents but pretty much everyone thinks we suck so anyways we’ll be patrolling the streets like Evel Knievel. Do people know him? Is that an out dated reference?
Rochester, NY – It has been nearly a week since lawmakers in New York voted to repeal Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mandate that people must order food with alcohol purchases and local bars are still scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with all their leftover snacks.
“I bought $30K of chips to sell to these alcoholics,” said one local bar owner. “Who buys chips at a bar if they’re not forced to?”
It’s because of this frustration that local business owners like this hero are erecting a giant plastic container downtown. Every bar with be dumping their entire stock of “Cuomo Chips” or “Cuomo Snacks” into the structure to create the world’s largest snack mix.
“Every Rochester resident will be allowed to drive-by and fill up their truck with snacks,” said one bar owner that wanted to remain anonymous. “Better get it before the seagulls figure out how to open the lid.”
Rochester, NY – Monday, festival organizers released a statement stating that the 2021 event would be canceled for the second year in a row.
‘Listen daddy-o, it’s not about the festivals you play, it’s about the festivals you don’t play, ya dig? Hot can be cool & cool can be hot & each can be both. But hot or cool man, Jazz is Jazz.’
A representative for the organizer told the blog, ‘Uh what he means is that we aren’t getting enough guidance from the State as to what are the correct measures and guidelines to follow regarding capacity and other factors, ya dig?
Rochester, NY – Local bars and restaurants are rejoicing now that Governor Cuomo has lifted the restriction that patrons must buy food with drinks. It is a move that may save many small businesses, and be a blessing to the economy. However, in 82-year-old Chloris Watt’s house, that rule doesn’t apply
“Everyone who comes overlooks too thin, especially all my grandchildren,” Watt told an Inner Loop reporter. “I don’t know what kids are eating these days, but whatever it is, it isn’t enough. Anyone who comes into my house looking for water won’t get it until they have a homemade cookie, a slice of pie, or leftover lasagna.”
At press time, Watt is watching The Price is Right. “That Drew Carey is cute, but he’s no Bob Barker.”
Rochester, NY – It was Freddy McCallahan’s fifth birthday yesterday but he ended up celebrating it with just his mother because his father Teddy was busy “prepping for the draft.”
Teddy is not an NFL scout and is in no way affiliated with the Buffalo Bills, but he dedicates hours of his life studying up on college football prospects mostly so he can dominate the comment sections of Bills Mafia Facebook Group he’s a part of.
Unfortunately for his son, his birthday this year fell on “draft eve” which is the day that Teddy gets his “war room” ready. This means prepping his basement to the optimal temperature, making sure his snacks are ready, and finding the exact spot in his couch that will perfectly swaddle his whole ass for the entirety of the draft weekend. While figuring this all out he missed his son’s entire birthday.
Rochester, NY – In honor of 4/20, local smoke shops have decided to come clean about their smoking devices. After years of telling customers that they were from tobacco use only, they’ve put out a press release admitting they were lying.
“If you used our 5-foot bongs to smoke tobacco you should seek medical attention immediately. That’s just straight-up unhealthy,” says the joint statement that was ironically written on rolling papers.
This is news to Clark Simpson from Hilton who has been obeying the signage in the display case and has only been using his device to inhale copious amounts of tobacco. “I was wondering why my friends all stopped talking to me after I passed it to them at parties.”