Rochester, NY – While Rochester has recently scored a D- rating for practicing social distancing, we can rest assured that our great city is still making strides in other areas.
We’ve just received word that Rochester has been granted an A+ rating for crime and binge eating. This is an honor for a city that was once known for Kodak and Arthur Shawcross.
If Rochesterians know how to do anything right, it’s being able to get murdered at any moment and eating ourselves to the point of extinction with a greasy platter filled with carbs and shame.
Greece, NY – It was just announced that Rochester-area malls could be reopening their doors as early as next week and that’s simply not fast enough for local thieves.
A group of local shoplifters has gathered in the parking lot of Greece Ridge Mall to create a candlelight vigil to honor all of the clothes they’ve stolen from the Aéropostale and weird penis-related paraphernalia at Spencer’s Gifts.
“We hope that one day soon we’ll be able to get back to work ruining the days of local teenagers working parttime in these stores,” said one local bandit.
Rochester, NY – Rochester Police responded to a call in the city Wednesday evening and found a disturbing scene. ‘Open flames on top of a baked good is in clear violation of at least 3 city codes,’ an officer on the scene reported to the Inner Loop blog. ‘The child kept trying to get close to the fire and no one at the party would stop him, kept yelling something about making a wish, we had no choice but to cuff him.’
‘We had the situation completely under control,’ the boy’s mother told The Inner Loop. ‘The police used excessive force and can someone tell me why they were even there?’
The birthday incident follows a sudden rash of police in the city cracking down on pre-teens. ‘Listen, in the academy, they told us even if they’re too young to pose absolutely any threat, cuff em.’ an officer that preferred to remain unnamed told The Inner Loop. ‘It’s cuffing season out there. That’s an RPD inside joke hehe’
Rochester, NY – Rochester residents are dying to get outside with the Quarantine slowly lifting over the next few weeks. That being said, most Rochesterians are carrying with them a lot of rage after being forced to stay indoors for the past two months. Charlotte beach has been a hotspot for the past few years for brawls to break out. This past Memorial Day a fifty person plus brawl broke out creating a chaotic scene.
The City Council has seen this as a prime opportunity to take advantage of this chaos and has made the announcement of installing a professional “MMA” fighters cage for the general public to just duke it out. Don’t like the way that guy smiled at you? Take it to the cage! Some guys vape annoying you? Take it to the cage! Are you slightly racist? Take it to the cage!
Rochester, NY – Local hospitals say they’ve seen the sharpest increase in cases of “Hot Dog Revenge” this Memorial Day.
Doctors say these injuries occur when a pop open hot dog does not pop completely on the grill. When bitten into the dog will spray liquid hot magma dog juice into people’s eyes.
“It is most likely Rochester dad’s aged 40 to 50 who are likely to suffer from this ailment. the burns are exacerbated when also coming into contact with relish juice” said one local physician.
Fairport, NY – With nice weather beginning to hit the area, Fairport cyclist, James Edwards, decided to finally take his bicycle out for a spin.
“I’ve been waiting all winter to hear the chain on this baby purr.” He said pulling up his assless chaps.
“Something magical happens when the stench of the canal hits your nostrils and the wind tickles your bare ass.”
Unfortunately, accidents involving cyclists and pedestrians along the canal towpath have risen in recent years. James hopes this summer will be different.
“I don’t care if your child is learning to ride a bike or you are just trying to enjoy the weekend with your family.” he said while tying his new skull bandana around his head, “Pedestrians and amateur cyclists need to learn to share the canal.”
To let pedestrians know they are near a cyclist, James recommends screaming “on your left!” as loud as possible. If that doesn’t work, he suggests wearing assless chaps.
“That usually startles the families real good.”
Perinton, NY- In an effort to help new kittens in the area find a ‘forever home’ Lollypop Farm this past week launched their new ‘kitten cam,’ a live feed of the human society’s cutest felines. ‘We’re so excited about the positive response this has gotten!,’ a representative for Lollypop told the Inner Loop Blog. Unfortunately, not everyone is as excited.
Porn Hub, the adult streaming behemoth issued a statement Tuesday condemning the use of ‘Kitten Cam’ pointing out that the company has been using that same name for one of its webcam services since 2013. ‘Kitten Cam, Kitty Cam, Here Kitty Kitty Cam, Kit-Kat Skat Cam’ and ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Cam’ are all trademarked and the use of is strictly prohibited without Porn Hub’s expressed permission.
‘We hope that this doesn’t get messy’ a representative for PH told the Inner Loop. ‘I mean, don’t get us wrong, we like messy but not in the legal sense. You get it.’