Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.
“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”
Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”
Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”
Fairport, NY – It has been almost two months since the State Route 250 lift bridge over the Erie Canal in the Village of Fairport reopened for traffic and residents are changing their tune on the extended construction.
Innerloop insiders from Fairport have told us locals miss having a built-in excuse for being late for work and social obligations. In fact, there are several Fairportians that are hoping the bridge might need repairs sooner than later.
“Before when I walked in late I could just go ‘that damn lift bridge’ and things would be okay,” said Derek Smirkman. “Now I just look like a real douchebag.”
With back to school underway, law enforcement is on high alert watching the bridge for stepdads attempting to damage the bridge in order to get out of their kid’s concerts and sporting events.
Rochester, NY – Incumbent Mayor Lovely Warren has been defeated by city councilman Malik Evans for the right to run as a Democrat in November’s election but there is a new candidate that’s getting a lot of attention.
In a last-ditch effort to swing votes their way, Monroe County Republicans have listed the guns found in Mayor Warren’s home this year as their candidate.
“We’re confident the guns can win this thing,” said Republican spokesperson Ronald Farnell. “Our only worry is that they were illegal and our voters might think that means they’re Mexican.”
Rochester, NY – Saturday night, the Rochester Red Wings hosted their now annual ‘Grim & Depressing’ night in honor of NY Post writer Maureen Callahan’s 2019 story about Wegmans. Callahan was the guest of honor and even threw out the first pitch. The Inner Loop Blog was able to catch up with Maureen for a few comments on her Rochester experience.
‘When I wrote the article, I apparently opened a portal to hell and now I am cursed for eternity. Am I destined to return here year after year? This punishment is unjust and wicked. I’m sorry I said what I did about your city. I regret it a million times over. I believe all of you. All the emails. All the comments. You hear me?!? Your city is beautiful! It’s the opposite of Grim and depressing! Now please, for the love of God, let me move on with my life! So um… Pittsford Wegmans was nice.’
Rochester, NY – This past week Mayor Warren put her Rochester home of nearly 16 years on to the market. “She’s just looking for a fresh start,” a representative for the Mayor told the Inner Loop Blog. “These walls have a lot of memories in them and also presumably guns.”
The realtor for the home anticipates a quick sell. “You just don’t see houses with this amount of storage space. It’s like you could put important or dare I say potentially dangerous items away and completely forget about them. In this hot market, it’s such an added bonus”
Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been contacted by multiple piercing studios that they have already seen a huge drop in the amount of men looking to get their nipples pierced following the resignation of Governor Andrew Cuomo.
“We know it’s not the thing that people are worried about the most with the situation in Albany but this is a huge part of our business” said Stacy Reed from body modification business Tender Prix. “This is our busy season here in Rochester.”
According to Reed, this is the time of year where men are most likely to be walking around shirtless in Western NY and also the time they’re more likely to want to “bling out their nips” to give onlookers something else to check out while they’re driving past and thinking “that guy should probably put his shirt back on.”
While it is not confirmed that Cuomo has nipple piercings, it has long been thought that he does. Based on recent events, this most likely means he not only has two nipple piercings but a plethora of piercings that he and his inner circle are hiding from the world. And yes, we assume his inner circle is pierced as well.
Rochester, NY – During their victory lap on social media, local conservatives took a moment to come together and agree to New York’s first female governor an entire day before they start attacking her character online.
Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul is now in charge after Andrew Cuomo resigned and local republicans have decided to give her an entire 24-hour period before they start lamenting over every policy decision and call her either a communist, Marxist, or connect her to any pedophile/cannibals secret societies.
“It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do,” said Kent Stollsmith, the moderator of the ‘Rochester Republicans Against Cuomo And Every Democrat That Still Breathes’ Facebook group. “It’s going to be tough but so is casting your ballot for a Republican in New York so we’re used to the pain.”
Rochester, NY – Rochesterians were shocked to see controversial comedian Louis CK announce a show at Kodak Center next month and the surprises don’t stop there.
Andrew Cuomo is expected the resign from his position as New York’s governor and immediately join CK a tour they’re naming “Me Too’d? Me Too!”
If you missed it, Cuomo just had a 165-page report released this week by the New York state attorney general that says he sexually harassed 11 women. A spokesman for the governor says he also has “165-pages of standup material that he’s been sitting on for years.”
We reached out to CK’s team for confirmation and they sent back a Zoom link featuring a man with sparse red pubes masturbating on the other end.
South Wedge, NY – This week drug dealers downtown launched a “Vax Up, Snort Up” campaign and started their outreach at Lux Lounge. The campaign encourages patrons to cut their coke with vaccination cards.
When surveyed, The Inner Loop Blog found that 19% of Lux patrons believed that cocaine killed the coronavirus. “Vax Up, Snort Up” was created to help combat this stupidity. The dealers are also working with local printers to offer free lamination of vaccination cards to aid in “getting crisp and straight lines”.
Experts predict that after a week of the campaign that the Lux Bathroom will be more informative and persuasive than any of Governor Cuomo’s press conferences.
Rochester, NY – We stopped by a run down apartment complex in Greece to learn how divorcees were reacting to the change.
“Finally! I don’t have to hold all of my Healthy Choice frozen dinners and men’s health magazines under one arm.” One divorcee told the Blog, “I just hope Wegmans doesn’t take them away again like my ex wife took the kids.”
While the change is welcomed by many, some worry that it may have unprecedented consequences.
“Nice! Now I can carry even more Genny lights to drink!”