Rochester, NY – Many residents were upset to year the annual Lilac Festival has been rescheduled but none were more disappointed than Rochester’s local gangs.
Generally, the Lilac Festival has become the de facto meeting spot for rambunctious groups of young adults to come out, enjoy some kettle corn, and beat the living shit out of each other.
“We lost a lot of money on all the fake mustaches we bought to get through security and the ‘Must Have A Parent If You’re Under 16’ rule,” says one anonymous gang member. “But videochat fighting seems like the safest thing to do.”
He added that’s he might be an “asshole” but he’s not a total “douche” and encouraged everyone to stay the fuck home.
A local man was able to easily secure a parking spot at the East Avenue Wegmans today without hassle.
“There was someone else who wanted the spot, but they politely allowed me to have the spot instead, it was overall a very pleasant experience.”
Said the man, who said he was able to find everything. He wanted at the Wegmans within 15 minutes.
Rochester, NY- Here at the OUTER LOOP BLOG, we have some things we need to get off our chest. Now that those losers who we’re running this S***! Anyways, people have been hating on Greece for a long time and the jokes on them! Recent studies done by my famz and homeboyz in Greece have determined that Greece is actually the best place to raise a family. Especially if you weren’t expecting that family to begin with! #weararubber #GREECE4LIFE #VAPELIFE
Rochester, NY- With the social distancing requirements in New York State, many bars and restaurants have been forced to get creative as a way to stay open.
South Wedge hotspot Lux Lounge has announced its bartenders will now ignore you curbside as you pull up in the safety of your car.
Patrons are encouraged to drive up any time between 8pm and 2am, roll down their windows and try desperately to make eye contact before they get frustrated and give up.
“Whether you want a PBR, a shot, or a highball, we wanted to make sure you still can’t get one at Lux. Even if you can’t go inside”, they announced in a Facebook post.
We reached out to one of their bartenders for comment but as of press time they were still chatting with their friends.
Rochester, NY – Residents of East Rochester awoke to a startling discovery Saturday morning when they found that their town had been encased in a giant dome overnight.
Local authorities urged the public not to panic and said that this extreme measure was taken to protect residents from the coronavirus pandemic.
“Until recently, our beautiful town had been spared from the virus,” a town official said, “now that we have confirmed cases in the area, drastic measures must be taken to mitigate the spread.”
Residents were able to voice their concerns about the new dome using a popular video conferencing app. Cost was a major issue for many but the officials were prepared.
“By not providing children with proper transportation to school, we were able to save up enough money to completely cover the cost of the dome.” One official said.
“Rest assured knowing your children will never have to brave inclement weather again because East Rochester will never experience weather again, thanks to this wonderful dome.”
Rochester, NY – Since the coronavirus has shut down Rochester’s economy, and families are going hungry, City Officials have pushed through a stimulus package aimed at keeping the city fed.
Part of the bill that just passed is the construction of a giant Garbage Plate that is estimated to be able to feed all of Rochester until 2021. Using Frontier Field, massive amounts of macaroni salad and home fries will be dropped into the world’s largest styrofoam container before being topped by burgers made from 270,000 cows.
“It’s food and jobs program. The plate will feed people and the building of this thing will put the hard-hit restaurant and construction people back to work!” said one official.
The massive garbage plate will be topped with onions and hot sauce, and anyone who likes to put ketchup on their plates is asked to starve to death instead.
IRONDEQUOIT, NY – Preparing for the potentially extended quarantine is hitting local residents harder than a garbage plate hits your colon on a Sunday morning.
Local dad and self-proclaimed brewmaster (he has a home brewing kit he has yet to open but did one-time mix Labatt Blue and Sprite and claim he invented White Claws) Darbert Landerball has already been forced to crack open his prized Flutie Flakes purchased last millennium.
“The way I see it is I’m hungry and nobody on the eBay has ever made an offer higher than $2.50 for this damn treasure. Still tastes like the shitty Frosted Flakes knockoff it always has been. After I’m done with these I guess I’ll eat the TO’s and freezer burnt Let’s Dough Buffalo Sabres ice cream I’ve had for like 8 years.”