Rochester,NY- With the spread of the delta variant, local businesses are now taking extra precautions with their covid protocols. Radio social recently announced they are now requiring proof of vaccination cards in order to be allowed in. In a surprise move though, radio social also announced that Pittsford dads will not be allowed to keep bringing up their bowling league days. This is what a Radio Social rep had to say
” We know the delta variant is spreading and we want to make sure all of our customers feel safe. After many hours of discussion, we also realized the amount of old men who wont shut up about their glory days in bowling and the one time they got a “turkey”. This is more than likely a greater threat than the delta variant could ever be. We want our customers to be happy and not get sucked into some obnoxious two hour rant about bowling from someones alcoholic father”
Canandaigua, NY – In an effort to make the crosswalks safer for pedestrians and increase the amount of speeding tickets they can hand out, the City Of Canandaigua has announced they have once again reduced the speed limit on main street.
“Originally we were going to make it so you would just have to coast off of the thruway and put your car in neutral but this seemed more reasonable,” said city planner Bart Scarn.
The plan now is to have drivers get out of their car and push and whatever speed they are able to achieve through the stop lights is what they will be limited to. The average Canandaiguan should now expect to add three hours to their drive time while commuting.
Rochester, NY – Researchers announced findings from a new study that found 100% of the assholes tailgating you in a raised pickup truck are from Greece.
“Our study indicates that Greece was the epicenter of the douchebaggery,” one scientist told the Blog. “The outcome of our research is surprising to no one.”
The report also concluded that “bros” tailgating you like a dick were likely to have trucks with blacked out rims and a thin blue line flag in their back window.
Albany, NY – Last Tuesday, Andrew announced a plan to help curb the epidemic of gun violence plaguing New York State.
“A pistol with a mask on can save a life,” Cuomo said during Tuesday’s press conference, “that is why I am requiring all guns to be masked before firing.”
Gun owners will be required to stand six feet apart before shooting.
“One mask may have trouble stopping a bullet but two masks might work better.” Cuomo told reporters.
Rochester,NY- Local man from Greece has just contacted the ILB to let us know of his current suspension from his wife and kids following his controversial decision to start smoking pot and selling it. These are his words.
” I just don’t get it, since when did these rules exist? Sure, my wife has told me from time to time to “quit that bullshit and get a real job”, but how is this not a real job? I mean its practically legal everywhere now! Sure, it’s made in my shitty basement and doesn’t have any of the proper nutrients, but I’m making a living! Now that I don’t have any distractions, I think this is the perfect time to start me new career as a twitch streamer!
Rochester, NY – This years Food Truck Rodeo is set to be a real belt burster. Fortunately, plumbers are hosting their annual convention at the same time.
“I was planning on absolutely destroying my toilet after eating my seventh fish taco.” one rodeo attendee told the Blog. “These plumbers will surely have their work cut out for them.”
“We are happy to help clean up after glutinous poor decisions,” a plumber told the blog, “it’s our job and we are damn proud to do it!”
Many have been inspired to stuff their face with as many food truck goodies as possible.
“This Macarollin truck has no idea what it is in for!” Another rodeo attendee said, “I am going to crap my brains out with no regrets!”
Rochester,NY- The Innerloop has just discovered that roughly 98% of Rochestrerians will be blowing their paychecks at Wegmans this week. Mainly on bad beer and food they’re probably not going to eat. The other 2% will be shopping at Tops and that is just disgusting to think about.
Rochester, NY – “We don’t just care about our dawgs we care about all dogs” says local gang member T-Bone.
According to Mr. Bone, this was the major reason that all local gangs and Rochester have agreed to sync up their gunshots to the fireworks displays held the 4th of July.
“I’ve got pups at home too and they don’t deserve to be more scared than they have to be,” says another local gang member who told us he wanted to “keep his name a secret” and to “give me your wallet and phone.”
Rochester emergency rooms are preparing for this evening and have divided one team dedicated to gun shot wounds and another for “DUFIs” aka drunk uncle firework injuries.
Rochester,NY- Rochester has been getting beaten down by the rising heat waves this past week. Is it global warming? Is it the ice caps melting? We don’t know and we don’t want to know if we’re being honest. One local man has voiced his opinion on the situation. This is what he had to say.
” You know, I just don’t know if I can take this heat anymore. My poor AC unit is being put to the test and I’m not sure what we could do if it fails! Getting to your local store is so much more difficult nowadays with all murders and what not, but I mean cmon! A guys gotta stay cool!”
Rochester, NY – Hometown heroes Joywave have released a new EP but the celebration has been short lived because a staple of their band has announced they are quitting the band.
Inspired by Mumford & Sons banjoist leaving the band to chase his dreams of posting long, boring social media posts about “cancel culture” or something equally as important, Daniel Armbruster’s mustache has decided to leave the band.
The Innerloop Blog has caught up with the mustache, and according the tuft of hair, it has supported the vocalist for many years but can no longer sit idly on his lip while he shares lyrics it disagrees with.
“I have tried many times to get more songs about how men refusing to wear the toothbrush mustache is unfair discrimination but all they want to do is make songs about feelings or some crap.”
The mustache is hoping to form a supergroup with Mumford’s banjoman, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock to finally make “tunes that mean something.”