All posts by Zac Lux

Municipality of Rochester Trying Their Best to Conceal Fall Erection

ROCHESTER, NY — Fall is here, and the entire city of Rochester is doing their best to conceal their excitement for the season.

“We’re all really excited about all the fall fares the city has to offer.” Said South Wedge local Jeff Berkeley, shifting his flannel-lined pants, “It’s a little hard to get around town and first, what with all the lift and tuck method—sort of stifles your gait. But it’s easy to get used to after a few swigs of some hot apple cider.”

The fall weather has brought caravans of people from the city to see the beautiful scenery Rochester has to offer. Shop and restaurant owners throughout the city are preparing themselves for the influx of tourists, aptly dubbed “leafers.”

“Yup, lord knows we weren’t at all ready for the leafers last year.” Said bakery owner Brandon Anderson, through fidgeted tugs on his apron, “This time around, we stocked up on tissues and Swiffer Wet Jets in case anyone enjoyed one of our delectable pumpkin pies too much.”

Dr. Jessica Richtford, career physician, isn’t surprised by the overabundance of excitement for fall.

“My calls jump about 80% during autumn. Specifically from a 585 area code.” Said Richtford, “I keep telling them if no drugs were taken to induce the erection, there’s nothing to be concerned about—just “take care of it.”

“But for most Rochestarians it never retracts, even if they take care of it. It generally lasts for a few weeks or so until the first snowfall. That’s when blood flow returns to the rest of the body.” She said while sipping a pumpkin spice latte, “And that’s when the seasonal affective disorder kicks in.”

At press time, everyone refused to stand up from their tables to comment on their favorite fall activity. So we just turned around, left the room, and closed the door.

Dozens Slaughtered in Arena 51 Raid

ROCHESTER, NY — Dozens of people gathered in Jefferson Plaza to storm the remnants of LAN center, Arena 51 earlier today, only to be slaughtered by sweaty gamers.

“I knew it was gonna be a long shot, but didn’t expect anything to go like this.” Said Adrien D’Angelo, local musician, who last visited the LAN Center in 2004. “All I wanted to see was an alien — I ended up getting my ass handed to me in Day of Defeat by a group of 47 year old virgins and 14 year old bullies. They kept calling me ‘nub’ and ‘nubcakes’ and saying I got ‘PWN3D!1!!1one’ in the game chat. What the hell does that even mean?”

Witnessing evidence of extraterrestrial life wasn’t the main objective of all the raiders. A handful of attendees were more concerned with grabbing caffeinated beverages with a goofy name to help stay awake through the event.

“Yeah, I could care less about aliens.” Said Rob Blart, skeptic, veteran gamer and caffeine addict, “I just came here to slurp down some BAWLS. It’s the only way to keep me going on all my World of Warcraft nights. Did you hear they just released WoW Classic? Finally, I can pour hours of my life into that game again, for the second time.” He said while chugging the blue beverage, “And you know I’ve already been playing it for 15 years. That’s like half of my life, already. Maybe I’ll even reroll as Horde this time.”

Dr. Sarah Jensen, thesis in capitalist influence on mob mentality wasn’t surprised by the outcome of the raid.

“Yes, it’s not the first time that Alienware Computers have staged a raid on government property to boost sales.” She stated, “PC gaming, although high-end in graphic software, frame-rate and user agility, has been dwindling through the years with the new renaissance of console gaming.” She frowned, “Alienware and other PC hardware companies are doomed to a life of getting totally wrekt by their more recreational competitors. Unfortunately, one day they may have to call it quits and get a girlfriend.”

At press time, the raiders were too busy raiding Molten Core to comment on the success of the actual raid.

Rochester Dad Flawlessly Executes Another “Construction Season” Joke

ROCHESTER, NY — Local Dad, George Cooper, performed a classic joke about “construction season” this morning, hysterical eyewitnesses confirm.

“It was just like every other Wednesday, my Dad was driving us down the highway to go to the East Ave Wegmans.” Said Jay Cooper, son of George Cooper, “There was a little bit of traffic because of some road work going on. This guy in a hardhat turned a stop sign around, and Dad out the window just said “I tell ya, Rochester has 2 seasons, Winter, and CONSTRUCTION. — The worker turned the sign back to the stop-side and fell to the ground laughing. Pretty sure he shat himself.”

After the delivery of the joke, traffic was due in part to much more than just construction. People along the highway, bursting with laughter, attempted to slam on their brakes with futility, causing a 40 car pileup on I-490.

“There was too much debris, we couldn’t get the bus through.” Said Strong Hospital EMT and first responder, Sara Hudson, “I’ve never heard anything like it. The sound of metal crushing metal, people repeating the joke in screams, peppered with maniacal laughter, all amplifying like a tidal wave toward our ambulance.” She stifled through teary laughs, “When I caught wind of the joke, I couldn’t handle it, it was just so funny, I lost control of the wheel and we careened into a ditch under the overpass.”

James Harris, highway construction foreman in the greater Rochester Area for the past 35 years, wasn’t surprised by the events that occurred this morning.

“You guys are wondering why Construction happens essentially year round? It’s because of these jokes that are cracked by Dads around town every single day.” Harris shouted,

“Remember the Blizzard of ‘93?” He added, “Yeah, the snow wasn’t the problem. Some guy was driving with his son down to Wegmans to stock up on food, we had some guys working, clearing ice off the highway. The dad pulled down the window, said “I tell ya, Rochester has 2 seasons, construction, and WINTER.” The crew lost it, the power went out, and the city shut down. We’re doing our best to improve our industrial grade ear-plugs for the times when dads crack jokes, but we just can’t keep up.”

Festival Guy Being Afraid of Own Shadow Predicts Another 6 Weeks of Jazz Fest

ROCHESTER, NY — As is Rochester’s tradition, Festival Guy emerged from his burrow this morning, and succinctly retreated back after seeing his own shadow, predicting another 6-weeks of Jazz Fest.

“I can’t believe we have another 6 weeks of this festival.” Said Nemetoade Brockport, local business owner, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for supporting the arts communities, and the high school jazz bands and what not. And I tell ya, my sales are through the roof during Jazz Fest — To be honest, it’s responsible for the majority of my yearly profits. But there’s only so many times I can listen to wannabe Eastman dropouts brag-lying about how they solo’d over Giant Steps changes at Milestones back in the early 2000s.

Irondequoit High Schooler and Student Jazz Band member, Steve Marshall, was distraught at the news.

“I just don’t know how I can keep playing Autumn Leaves for six more weeks straight.” He stifled, holding back tears, “I have my permit test coming up, I barely know how to drive because the engine won’t start until I transcribe these old Jazz numbers that are on loop in my car’s stereo. Not to mention I’ve been getting grilled on my swing feel and two-five-ones.”

Rochester Audio Professionals are less than prepared for the coming weeks.

“I knew this day would come,” Said Adrien D’Angelo, Rochester’s only Sound Guy, exhaling his Camel Turkish Jade, “This legend has been passed down from Sound Guys generation to generation. I just never thought I’d be the one to wage auditory battle in what is known by my people as The 128-Bar Jazz Festival.”

At press time, Festival Guy stated that he will be back out of his burrow in time to spread joy through the city dancing to the sick jams that will be taking place over the next six weeks, he just needs to wash his shorts first.

“Trash Blitz” Event Removes Entire Town of Greece

GREECE, NY – In recognition of Earth Day, volunteers around Rochester worked to clean up the city during a “Trash Blitz.”

The event was meant to clean up the roadways and local parks but by the end of the event, the organizers noticed something peculiar.

It appears that the entire Town of Greece has been completely removed after cleaners accidentally deemed the entire region as trash.

“Honestly, we were in the zone. Just cleaning and cleaning. By the time we looked up, all that was left of Greece was one big hole” said Matthew Bathmew one of the cleanup leaders.

Local officials have told The Inner Loop Blog that they will now be using the hole left from the cleaning project as a Garbage Dump and the residents who are left in Greece say they look forward to something that will smell and look better by comparison to what they’ve been used to.

“The new dump will really class up the area,” said one Greecer.

Straight Edge Teen’s Urine Sales Skyrocket

ROCHESTER, NY — Local straight edge teen’s urine sales skyrocketed this morning following citywide 4/20 celebrations.

“Look, most jobs around here hire teenagers in Quarter 4 of the fiscal year to blow-out their yearly budget,” Said local teen, Dave Genovese, 15, sipping a bottle of water during his free period from Pittsford Sutherland High School. “It just so happens that 4/20 lands in Q3, and the allure of blazing it up on 4/20 to some sick jams and hot slices is too good to pass up for teens around here. I start hydrating a couple months out, come April, I’m up to 10 bottles of Evian a day, and I’m pissing like a racehorse. They throw me a 20, I give them a bottle of the sauce, and they’re on their merry way.” Said the entrepreneur, “Yeah, most of the clientele are my classmates, but you’d be surprised how much revenue I pull in from adults in this city.”

Will Tilton, 57, Vice President at Excellus BlueCross BlueShield, has been a customer of Genovese’s for years.

“I know it’s weird, a grown man asking a teenage boy to buy his urine.” Tilton admitted, “But with the rolling layoffs of seemingly every single institution in this city, well, you wouldn’t believe the amount of times that kid’s piss has saved my ass.”

Katherine Melchior, PhD in Clinical Psychology at Stanford, with a thesis on obsessive-compulsive tendencies, wasn’t surprised by the citywide hoarding of straight edge urine by the residents of Rochester.

“We see this all the time in my field, people want to have their cake and eat it too, in this case, they do so buy acquiring clean urine to pass nonsensical drug tests for the most rudimentary of jobs.” Melchior stated, “To be honest, I could care less about why people have hoarded urine, I’ve done it myself for my Professor gig after my three-week stint in the Black Rock Desert back in ‘08. What I’m absolutely flabbergasted by here, is how one teenage boy is solely providing urine for an entire city full of potheads. It’s just super-human.”

At press time, Inner Loop reporters were unable to attain further comment from Genovese due to a line of several hundred people waiting to purchase urine.

Bug Jar Landlord Reluctant to Address Kitchen, Bug Problem

ROCHESTER, N.Y. 9:15 p.m. — The landlord of a local scene-staple venue, Bug Jar, is reluctant to fix kitchen and pest problem, despite countless complaints.

“It’s really disheartening, you know?” Said Izzy Nematode, who has been squatting at the Bug Jar since it opened in 1991, “I mean, the kitchen is on the freaking ceiling! I’d love to make a few bucks selling some home-cooked meals to the folks who come in for shows. Believe me, I’ve tried, I strapped myself up there with a few rolls of duct-tape and some rusty carabiners, but the grub always falls to the ground! Gravity is such a pain in the ass, man.”

Additionally, show-goers have been none-too-happy with the pest problem exhibited at the venue.

“Each time I come in here, just flys, everywhere.” Said Sara Harper, “I tried to get a beer last week during this minimal-industrial-british-new-wave dance party, but I could barely reach the bar without this monster of a fly swooping right into my face! It must have been a horse-fly — it was huge. I was so grossed out, I just grabbed my coat and went to Lux.”

Mike Barrett, exterminator, serving the Rochester area for the past 30 years, wasn’t surprised by the news about the Bug Jar.

“I know the fly you’re asking about, yeah.” Said Barrett, exhaling a cigarette, “I’ve been called in there a few times to handle that thing. It’s just too tough. Nothin’ll kill that sumbitch. After it survived the usual pesticide spray, then the gas — I had to resort to more extreme measures. I tried shooting it, bludgeoning it, threatening its family, I even lit it on fire. Everything I tried seemed to just make it stronger.” Barrett pulled out a flask from his jacket, “Landlord? Shit… That fly’s the landlord now. That fly’s the master. You have to answer to The Fly.”

At press time, The Fly refused to comment about anything pertaining to our inquiry, but did inform us of an array of excellent shows coming to the venue.

Zac Lux

The Fast Ferry Was In Our Hearts All Along

ROCHESTER, NY — A no-longer frustrated man came to the realization the Fast Ferry that the city paid millions of dollars for in the early 2000’s was inside residents hearts all along.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s been having fever-dreams and muttering frustrations to himself for the past 15 years. Then this morning he exhaled and a whimsical lighthearted presence washed over him, with a child-like sense of wonder in his eyes.” Said Cathy Stevens, long-time partner of Hugh Stevens. “I’m so happy to see him like this.”

Inner Loop reporters found Stevens skipping and singing to himself in Highland Park.

“I’ve always wanted to visit Toronto, but whenever I thought about making the trip, images of the Fast Ferry just flashed in my eyes. Just the thought of the missed convenience gives me panic attacks.” Stevens said of 2008’s City Newspaper’s Winner of Best Misuse of Public Funds. “Something finally clicked this morning after a three hour long sob — I realized that if I wanted to travel to Toronto, I could just get off my butt and drive. You see, maybe the Fast Ferry had to leave Rochester, in order to inspire us, to go fast ourselves.”

Kathryn Robinson, PhD of Sociocultural Anthropology at Columbia, has been studying the effects of American City’s asset investment, and subsequent withdrawal on residents for years.

“We see this all the time. Be it water-based transportation, subway systems, or something as simple as ride-sharing, all these investments serve as a ploy to inspire a new sense of self-worth and motivation with the residents of whichever city the investments are removed from.” Said Robinson, scanning through years worth of documents. “Unfortunately, it only works for about 3% of people. The majority end up with shattered confidence, becoming maniacally depressed, stemming from the anxiety of where their tax dollars are going.”

Following our interview, Stevens was planning to embark for Toronto. His trip was aborted due to construction on all major highways throughout the city.


Zac Lux