MIAMI, FL – Preparing for a matchup with the Dolphins this Sunday, one Bills player is more excited about a perceived opportunity to imbibe on local delicacies.
“Obviously I am focused on the Dolphins and getting us to 7-3, and the availability of the best blow in the country is going to come in handy so I can do a couple rails at halftime to keep the peddle to the metal” Josh Allen gleefully spoke to the media at his press conference, apparently unaware that street drugs are still illegal in Miami and the entire state of Florida despite what we know about Florida.
“Honestly it’s pretty awesome the NFL gives everyone who plays a Florida team a free pass from mandatory drug tests so we can let loose a little bit” Allen, doing a line off the podium before he is tackled by head coach Sean Mcdermott
ROCHESTER, NY – With yet another snowstorm coming out of nowhere and surprising a city that has been devastated by harsh winters every year since the dawn of man, some residents are choosing a more permanent solution to avoid the shock of waking up to an ice-covered vehicle.
“We’ve gotten a lot of requests to just throw a reminder on people’s foreheads that every day they need to be prepared for a motivation obliterating storm that will make their morning commute a living hell. Apparently, it’s easier than remembering we live in a snow globe 9 months out of the year.” Said local tattoo artist and Fast Ferry truther Billiam T Middlediddle
Some of the tattoos requested:
“Buy a god damn car starter”
“It’s frozen, it’s snowing, stay home”
BUFFALO, NY – Off to a 5-1 start, Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills look like they’re well on their way to the postseason.
But the turmoil filled past 20 years of failure has come back to haunt Allen as he tries to prepare for this weekends matchup with the Eagles.
“Are you thinking playoffs? Do you believe you’re ready to take the next step and defeat Tom Brady? Fool. Tis almost November, your fate is sealed. Resistance is futile.” Trent Edwards, best known for his 5-1 start in 2008 that ended in tragedy and looking like a rejected contestant on The Bachelor.
“You’re 5-1. Everyone loves you. They’re talking playoffs. We talked playoffs in 2011. They even gave me franchise QB money mid season because ‘Fitzmagic’ was going to last forever. Now I’m a punchline. Did you know I went to Harvard?” Ryan Fitzpatrick of the 2011 Bills who went from 5-2 to 6-10 and burned Bills fans harder than butt chugging a bottle of Franks Red Hot.
“Hey I’m Nathan Peterman. I’m here to let you know these fans will believe in literally ANYONE. If you fail, next year they’ll be ready to buy into whatever late round draft pick after you start 0-2. Just accept it and get ready to sign with Oakland/Las Vegas in a couple years. It’s not so bad, Coach Gruden is hilarious and there’s no fans to be mad at you.”
ORCHARD PARK, NY – A frenzied Sean McDermott was seen in a team meeting screaming at his players to avoid the “fake news” that the team has a bye week to rest before their next game.
“I don’t know if Belichick is working with George Soros or what but there is no way we are not playing a game this week. It’s a distraction to get us to forget to show up and end up 4-2!” Mcdermott shrieked as he covered the room’s windows with tin foil and collected cell phones from bewildered players.
“The Patriots play a Thursday night game so those bastards have nothing better to do than unravel our supposed week off by asking their buddy Goodell to schedule a game for us. It’s a damn deception, you guys have to believe me!” Mcdermott continued, pleading with coaches to barricade the doors and show film of CFL teams who could potentially be surprise opponents on Sunday.
ORCHARD PARK, NY – Taking a page from their NBA brethren who decided beating a bunch of Greeks at basketball wasn’t worth the trouble, the Buffalo Bills starters have decided to skip next week’s matchup with the Miami Dolphins and focus on their games against teams fielding NFL caliber rosters (and maybe the Jets if Sam Darnold can avoid skanks).
“While we know every game counts, we also want to get a good look at our backups and let some local Bills fans in Miami get a chance to play ‘professionally’ in a scrimmage like game against a team who vaguely resembles an NFL team. I mean Josh Rosen was a 1st round pick and then you have uh…” Head Coach Sean Mcdermott quipped and kinda trailed off as he continued to scout videos of fans smashing through tables.
MEMPHIS, TN – As the Bills prepare for their matchup with the Titans in Nashville, controversy has broken out as members of the Barstool famed Bills Mafia have smashed through the right-wing of Elvis’ famed 1958 Convair 880 valued at over 2 million dollars, roughly the net worth of all Orchard Park residents combined.
“These people come in here, drinking their Labatts, talking about chicken wings and something called Dyngus Day, and think they can just desecrate Graceland? Absolutely unacceptable. Elvis is still alive and he won’t stand for this.” Said Memphis resident Billy Dilly, a tour guide at Graceland.
The Bills Mafia member could not be reached for comment but he was spotted scream-singing “Shout” while blackout drunk at karaoke.
ROCHESTER, NY – With a goal to resolve their frustration via litigation, Party In The Park creators are charging Bands On The Bricks administrators with alliteration imitation for using wordplay in a criminal way.
While the sound of each event has a similar cadence, there may be some difficulty in finding them guilty. While Bands On The Bricks clearly stole some ideas, it’s not like they lost that plane in Malaysia.