All posts by Vince Louis

Just sad and mad and dressed like your dad

Party In The Park Suing Bands On The Bricks For Alliteration Imitation

ROCHESTER, NY – With a goal to resolve their frustration via litigation, Party In The Park creators are charging Bands On The Bricks administrators with alliteration imitation for using wordplay in a criminal way.

While the sound of each event has a similar cadence, there may be some difficulty in finding them guilty. While Bands On The Bricks clearly stole some ideas, it’s not like they lost that plane in Malaysia.

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Downtown Rochester Restaurant You Never Knew Existed Closed Because of Your Ignorance

ROCHESTER, NY – Yet another new restaurant has failed less than a year after opening and guess what; it’s your fault for not knowing it existed in the first place.

Cafè Luna Bella Whatever has closed its doors just months after opening to little to no reception from you or your friends because you failed to read a Yelp review because you were too busy going to Good Luck because everyone talks about it, you lazy son of a bitch.

In a few months, another place that replaced this place you’ve never been to will close too and you’ll have no clue until the D&C runs another business closings article because you are a close-minded, Applebee’s 2 for 20 loving suburban twat.

Sincerely,

The elite yelper that enjoys $14 happy hour craft cocktails alone

Del Lago Employee Thinks Fleetwood Mac Tribute Show Will Turn This Thing Around

WATERLOO, NY – With concerns growing about to be financial stability of the new casino, one employee believes a 70s soft rock cover band is just the thing to get people coming out to the Seneca County casino.

“It’s been a tough go, we’ve gone through some financial struggles and the psychic lady that came through didn’t really get the people going the way we had hoped. But we have REO Speedwag-, I mean Fleetwood Mac coming to blow the doors off this place soon!” Said Bartelby Delafeeber, a spa employee who cleans up after the geriatric men who use the sauna.

We reminded Mr. Delafeeberdeeber that it’s actually a tribute band and not Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham, but that did not impede his enthusiasm.

“I mean, they’re still going to be playing the hits right? Then it’s fine. We don’t need Stevie, as long as we have a similar old blonde lady to sing “go your own way” to a packed house of people taking a break from slot machines, we’re gonna definitely be able to avoid bankruptcy for another couple months.”

ZooBrew To Feature A New Buffalo Exhibit Showing Bills Fans In Their Natural Habitat

ROCHESTER, NY – It’s that time of year where a love of viewing animals in captivity and drinking $8 Labatt come together for the annual Zoobrew at Seneca Park Zoo.

But in addition to the cute otters and weird little reptile displays, there will now be an entire sanctuary of displaced Buffalo Bills fans grazing and pile-driving each other through folding tables for guests to visit and even become part of if they so choose.

“Bills fans have created so much viral content with their alcoholic debauchery, and when the seasons over they have nowhere to go other than ruining their family’s holidays and getting their 3rd or 4th DWI after screaming the “SHOUT” song at the arresting officers. We wanted to give them a safe place to debase themselves for the entertainment of our guests.”

When visiting the Bills fan habitat, guests will be able to feed them hot dogs and chicken wings and encourage them to jump from the top of the tiger cage into a flaming dumpster sponsored by Flying Bison Brewery.

Fred Durst Vows To Break Stuff If Not Compensated For Stoneyard Hot Dog Beer Release

BROCKPORT, NY – A local brewery’s latest release has some people rollin’ rollin’ up potential litigation over the mention of a hot dog inspired beverage.

Fred Durst of the once inexplicably popular rap rock band Limp Bizkit is demanding compensation for what he perceives as a total ripoff of the bands famous album title “Chocolate Starfish and The Hot Dog Flavored Water”

“I have no problem with anyone making a beer inspired by hot dogs. I mean who wouldn’t want that? But to not even mention our bands influence? Buddy we have a saying and it’s my way, my way or the highway.” Said Durst, also claiming he invented that phrase.

“I mean at least invite me and John Otto to the release event to perform. But some people, they just do it all for the nookie and they forget to be N 2 Gether Now”

Durst then returned to his tent behind the stage at Jazz Fest, where he was not invited to perform but is selling bootleg DVDs of Best of TRL.

Scene Girl Makes Transition To Adulthood By Opening Yoga Studio in South Wedge

ROCHESTER, NY – With the days of teen angst and Avril Lavigne haircuts a thing of the past, local scene girl Evie Paramoro is moving on to the next phase of her life by trading in her razors and gauges for tie-dye bandanas and talking about “vibes” a whole lot in her new yoga studio in the Wedge.

“Ya know it was fun to dye my hair blue, listen to All Time Low, and take molly at Vertex but I’m ready to move on to listening to Paul Simon records and taking CBD to enhance my inner serenity soul magic. Also I eat chia seeds.”

“It’s very cool to evolve and see myself grow into my next phase of buying a Subaru and selling pottery on Etsy”

Naz and Fisher Business Grads Pitted Against Each Other for Entry Level Office Job in Hunger Games Event

PITTSFORD, NY – Two local colleges are getting into the spirit of competition by using their longtime rivalry to create an intense, combatant situation wherein students will fight to the death to win the rights to a contract position paying $17/hour with zero benefits that requires a bachelors degree which costed no less than $120k in student loan debt for each business student competing.

“Honestly between this and having to work in retail, it’s not the worst thing this school could do for me. I’ve tried applying for jobs in my field but most of them require 8 years of experience or proficiency in a program we were never taught, so I assume temp to hire is the only shot I have at avoiding living with my parents until I’m 42.” Said Nazareth student Lisandra Robotante, a business major with a 3.7 GPA that will absolutely be ignored by any recruiter hiring unless she’s down to be a recruiter for the exact job she doesn’t want to have.

“It’s a great opportunity for these kids to learn that nothing will come easy in this world even if you have a degree, and teach them that they were much better off skipping college and starting a landscaping business.” Said Humbercuck Hoppercock, chancellor of Saint John Fisher