PITTSFORD, NY – Pittsford Pub guests got the surprises of a lifetime after realizing blackout drunk man singing “free bird” to a waitress is golf legend and self haircut enthusiast John Daly and not just an East Rochester resident coming back from a trip to The Cheesecake Factory.
“It’s pretty cool to meet a celebrity, especially after thinking I was going to have to have him escorted out after he started funneling his own bottle of Fireball through a garden hose,” Pub owner Frampton St Hammershire said of the surprise encounter.
“John Daly? Wow that’s awesome I thought someone’s cousin who just got married at the Wendy’s on West Commercial street wandered in to bum a cigarette off of me” said fellow bar patron and bumble bee photographer Ellwyn Tubble.
EAST IRONDEQUOIT, NY – Did you hear that?
The sounds of Starbury shoes clomping around the Medley Centre and voices of former Steve & Barry’s employees have been heard roaming the halls.
“I was there the other day just out of nostalgia for the World of Science store and I could almost feel the fabric of one of their $9 hoodies brush past me,” said local ghost hunter and former mall Ruby Tuesday regular Donald Sandalflogg
While there have been claims of visual evidence of the paranormal retail employees, nobody has been able to capture an image of anyone wearing a knockoff Syracuse University jersey hawking clothing lines of Sarah Jessica Parker & Amanda Bynes that you definitely never knew existed until you read this sentence.
ROCHESTER, NY – The Lilac Festival kicks off this weekend but there’s only one thing we give a damn about…WINE BABY WINE!
A well known winery in the Fairport area, you can roll up on screaming at the top of your lungs that mama (you) needs some freaking wine baby!!!! Woo you better pace yourself honey because we still have four more to go! Wine!
Better known for their whiskeys, they are bringing some real quality vino to the table this year. Quality or not, their sommelier better be ready to have you absolutely destroying your their ear drums by shouting “MAMA NEEDS SOME WINE!!!!!” It’s wine o clock and mama needs sippy sips.
Coming all the way from Williamson, this lovely little winery is bringing some real tasty treats to Lilac this year. And you are bringing an unrelenting thirst for sweet berry wine that will not allow you to physically contain your enthusiasm for alcoholic grapes as you bellow “MAMA NEEDS SOME WINE AND KETTLE CORN” because you gotta eat something soon or you’ll pass out (and miss out on more wine!!!)
Wyoming County’s first winery, they’ll be in attendance at the wine expo with a bevy of great wine options. After traveling all this way, they will not be expecting you to be running full speed with an empty novelty size wine glass you purchased at Bed, Bath & Beyond shrieking like a woman who is missing one thing in life and that is a full glass of Merlot because damnit, MAMA NEEDS SOME WINEEEEEEEE.
Another local whiskey distiller bringing their wine A game to the Expo, where they could have never expected a blackout drunk mother of 4 to leap onto their sample table, grab a full bottle out of their cooler, and announce to the entire crowd of festival attendees once and for all…
WILLIAMSON, NY – You won’t hear as much buzzing on your walk through Highland Park this weekend as Lilac Fest ramps up.
Local bees are heading east out to Williamson for this year’s Apple Blossom Festival as they’re tired of the crowds and lilacs are just “so last season” as one bee we talked to in its bee language, which you probably haven’t heard about, told us.
“I mean lilacs are adorable, great if you’re an old ass bumble bee just trying to live out your remaining hours. But Apple blossoms are that undiscovered indie flower nobody is talking about. That’s where you’ll find us this year, well if you even know where to find Williamson”
Apple Blossom Festival producers are excited about the bees making their way out to their yearly celebration. “I mean it’s pretty cool that anyone would come out this way for any reason. Aside from the Festival our biggest attraction is probably the water tower.” Said Brad Breen of Breens Grocery, this year’s lone sponsor of the festival with a donation of a foot long sub and $20 gift card to Breens.
ORCHARD PARK, NY – Attention Bills fans in need of a place to drink to excess and fulfill the need to hurl themselves into furniture from the roof of a bus.
With the ban on bus and limo tailgating going into effect this year, you still have plenty of locations available where you can disregard your personal safety for the sake of potentially being the subject of a Barstool Instagram story.
An obvious choice for the convenience of being near the stadium and for the Sunday sale on card stock tables. You and your buddies can go hambone on Labatt and pirogies or whatever you animals eat.
This is a very popular location for Bills fans who may or may not even have tickets to the game but you better believe they have a cornhole game going that will end in several shotgun races that will result in passing out in a bowl of Herr’s chips before halftime.
- The Grass Lot on the Southwest side of the stadium
This is the lot people go to blackout. Check Reddit to fact check that one.
Obviously not going to be nearby to the stadium unless you’re one of those entrepreneurial nearby homeowners renting out their yards like the worlds most white trash parking lot, but it has its perks. For one your family is probably inside to call 911 when you slip on the roof and shatter your femur on the concrete patio. And your risk for another DWI is almost zero and your friends can crash on the trampoline after the Bills lose 37-9.
Go Bills and get help for your addictions 🙂
HENRIETTA, NY – The search for the person responsible for stealing the immortal Klassy Kat sign has come to an end after an extremely horny Henrietta Man was apprehended while trying to force a local minister to perform a wedding ceremony with the iconic signage.
“He approached me in a frenzy asking if I could quickly announce that he and the sign were married in the eyes of our lord and savior. After I refused he demanded that I watch him perform oral on the sign which I did reluctantly” Local minister Beff Armoire told police after the whole ordeal.
Police confirmed that the Henrietta Man is in jail and that the sign has been returned to its rightful owner at the town dump.
ROCHESTER, NY – With the announcement by The Official Committee of Lilac Aficionados are now banned from this year’s Lilac Festival, it appears our chances of witnessing a sweet Bret Michaels concert have dwindled down to zero.
While it was unlikely the former star of Rock of Love and Poison reunion concerts would show up to headline Lilac, this declaration against his signature garment will likely stifle any interest he may have had previously.
“It honestly sucks that we have to be so obtuse when it comes to headwear that a legend like the guy who did that song about roses having thorns can’t perform the hell out of that song but replacing “roses” with “lilacs” to make it local” said local botanist Charby Darby.