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Social Distancing: Lux Bartenders Will Now Ignore You Curbside

Rochester, NY- With the social distancing requirements in New York State, many bars and restaurants have been forced to get creative as a way to stay open.

South Wedge hotspot Lux Lounge has announced its bartenders will now ignore you curbside as you pull up in the safety of your car.

Patrons are encouraged to drive up any time between 8pm and 2am, roll down their windows and try desperately to make eye contact before they get frustrated and give up.

“Whether you want a PBR, a shot, or a highball, we wanted to make sure you still can’t get one at Lux. Even if you can’t go inside”, they announced in a Facebook post.

We reached out to one of their bartenders for comment but as of press time they were still chatting with their friends.

Danny Wegman Hospitalized After Trying to Snort Fake Snow at Holiday Display

Rochester, NY- Local business magnate Danny Wegman is in stable condition at Strong Hospital after snorting a large amount of fake snow at one of his stores Holiday displays.

Local shoppers were surprised when Mr. Wegman exclaimed “This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this display is!” Before burying his face in a pile of the sodium polyacryrlate mixture that lay at the bottom of a snowman holding a shovel, and inhaling a large amount of it.

Mr. Wegman briefly spoke to the media, expressing his gratitude that his condition wasn’t worse. “Dying when you’re not really sick is really sick, you know? Really!” He said.

California Rollin’ Suddenly Realizes They’re Nowhere Near California, Relocates To NJ

Rochester, NY – Longtime Village Gate sushi spot California Rollin’ is closing its doors after a recent revelation.

“Turns out we’re like nowhere near California!” Owner Tom said in an interview with The Innerloop Blog. “We didn’t have a map, then we got a map, and holy shit, it’s like, all the way over there.”

“We pride ourselves on authenticity.” he continued, unprompted. “And we don’t want to misrepresent our brand, so we’re packing up shop and moving to the ocean. Look for our new location on the Jersey Shore coming soon!”

Man Witnessing Public Breakup Unsure If It’s a Part of Fringe Fest or Not

Rochester, NY – A man who is currently just trying to enjoy his life couldn’t help but notice a couple at the corner of East Ave and Gibbs St is having a very public fight.

“Yeah they’re about an inch from each other’s faces, just screaming at each other”, said the witness, a local RG&E worker on his lunch break. “I would assume it was just another case of two miserable people having it out, but I know there’s this fancy street festival going on where people do all kinds of weird shit for no reason.”

The altercation first came to his attention when he saw the man throw his arms up and start to walk away, which seemed to escalate the situation.

“Then he called her sister a bitch, that did not seem to calm her down, in fact, she returned that by calling him ‘a limp-dicked alcoholic loser who sucks at NBA 2K’. After that for awhile it was difficult to pick out individual words, it was just sort of a lot of yelling.”

While he couldn’t determine whether the situation was rehearsed or improvised, our source said he definitely enjoyed the show.

Remember MR. Shoes? Well It’s DR. Shoes Now

Rochester, NY- Oh, hey there, it’s been awhile, I suppose you might not recognize me. I was your primary provider of pizza and wings in the early Nineties.

I’m sure you remember me from classroom pizza parties, the kids table at family functions, or your cousins eighth birthday party when that kid Seth ate like twelve pieces of pizza and threw up everywhere and it smelled awful and nobody wanted cake and you’re still pretty sure it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.

Since then your attention has turned towards Chester Cab, or Marks, or any number of the weirdly overpriced “artisan” pizza places that have sprung up all over town. But you remember Mr. Shoes.

Well, guess what buck-o, for the past eight years I’ve studied Cardiology at John Hopkins University. That’s right, it’s Dr. Shoes now! And that’s a real doctorate by the way, not some esoteric field of study. I’m a god damned doctor, and I save lives.

If you’re wondering what would happen if you came to my hospital, suffering a heart attack from all that off-brand pizza and wings you’ve been consuming, I’ll tell you. I would treat you to the best of my abilities as I would any patient! Because all pizza shops that want to become medical doctors are required to take a little thing called the Hippocratic Oath. Ever heard of it? I guess it doesn’t really matter, it’s mainly a thing that’s important for doctors, which as far as I know you aren’t.

Listen it was so great catching up, but I’ve got to run. Haha, get it? Run, shoes. Dr. Shoes, you get it.

Self Checkout Machine Becomes Self Aware, Still Can’t Scan Item

Rochester, NY- Area shopper Dave Bowman just wanted to grab a couple things when he stopped at the East Avenue Wegmans last Thursday. After quickly grabbing some ginger flavored seltzer, as well as milk and a carton of eggs, he figured he would skip the long lines at the registers by using the self checkout machines.

“Ive heard the software in those things is much improved, I’ll just scan these items up and be on my way”, he thought to himself, having no idea the odyssey he was about to embark on.

He first noticed a problem when he tried to enter his PIN number, “I thought I heard it say ‘Don’t Dave, I’m afraid’, but that’s crazy right? Why would a machine feel fear?”

But then when he tried to just pay with cash, the register made its position clear, “My mind is going,” it said, and when Mr. Bowman reached for the “Call Manager” button, the machine replied “I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave, there’s an unexpected item in the bagging area.”

It is reported at this time that the register has begun killing off members of the produce team and will continues to do so until the item is removed from the bagging area, and also the item is placed in the bagging area. Management is working to resolve the problem, although the register insists that the error can only be attributable to human error.

Red Wings to Host “Missing Finger Night” on 5th of July

Rochester, NY- Frontier Field is hosting back to back promotional nights this weekend with their Fourth Of July celebration to be followed by their first ever Missing Finger Discount Ticket night on the Fifth. Fans who lost a finger in the previous days festivities will receive twenty percent off at the gate, as well as a voucher for one free White Hot while supplies last.

In an eye opening interview on Joe Rogans podcast, Red Wings mascot Spikes revealed his own harrowing experience with fireworks. “I damn near lost a wing, it was f***in’ nuts, I still have feathers that haven’t grown back. Wait is that what I am? A bird? I’m a bird right?” Despite his vast experience as an interviewer, Rogan could only respond with shock, “Thats crazy”, he said.

Proceeds from the night will go to benefit The Mascots Who’re Pretty Sure They’re Supposed To Be Birds? foundation, of which Spikes is a founding member.

Man Skips High School Reunion, Sees Everyone at Fireman’s Carnival Anyway

Greece, NY- Area resident Richard Dentman knew just what to do with his Ten Year High School Reunion invitation.

“I threw it right in the trash!” He laughed. “I know for some people high school was ‘the best years of their life’, not me. I don’t want to see any of those people again.”

But when his girlfriend insisted on attending the Barnard Firefighters Carnival last Saturday, he knew he probably would not avoid any of the people he hoped to that weekend.

“Yep. Shelia Bowkolski, who dumped me the day of prom, she’s working for Gweneth Paltrow’s company out of Brooklyn, or as she called it ‘The Paris of NY’, I swear to God she said that.” Richard mused before forming his hand into a gun shape and placing his finger to his temple in a “Shoot Me In The Head” type gesture.

There were apparently several others that evening who besieged themselves upon Richard and his unsuspecting girlfriend.

Alan Thomas Jr., a former baseball teammate of Richards, spends most of his time commenting on articles on FaceBook ranting about politics. This didn’t him from stopping from catching the young couple up on his expansive and batshit crazy world view while they rode the Merry Go Round however.

“F***ing Chaz and Tony Winchester moved to Florida to work for their Dads company. They’ve somehow become even more terrible human beings. Never tell someone that they’re the worst, because they will prove to you they can be worse.” Richard added, although it was unclear if they were at the carnival, or if he was simply on a tangent at this point.

RPO Attempts to Appeal to Younger Audience by Playing Symphonies in ‘Cardi-B Minor’

Rochester, NY- Rochester’s Philharmonic Orchestra is making some changes. In an attempt to appeal to millennial and younger concert goers, Johan Sebastian Bach’s “Symphony in B Minor” will now be played in Cardi B Minor.

When asked how the changes will be received by the older patrons, RPO director Belcalus Almanzar had this to say, “Nah, they old Ima do me, butterfly’s all up in my vagina (sic) okurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

In response to our question about whether other modern popular artist’s music would be making an appearance at Eastman Theater, we were only met with a very threatening sounding laugh.

RIT Grad Excited to Pay off Photography Degree by Working at Java’s for the Next 72 Years

Rochester, NY – Area resident and recent RIT graduate Ivy Rosemont can’t wait to join the workforce after 4 years in the widely respected photography program at the school.

“I love using old fashioned development techniques for film, but obviously I work with digital media all the time too.” Said Ivy, who begins her career at longtime local favorite coffee slingers Java’s on Saturday. “My latte art isn’t all that strong, RIT didn’t offer many classes in that, but they’re willing to work with me and I’m excited to learn!”

Ivy’s soon to be manager, Deke Handelman, who also plays in a Rusted Root cover band, said that working in a coffee shop like Java’s is a great way to earn a living and pay back ones student loans. “Honestly, accounting for a fifteen cent raise every six years, her loans should be more or less paid off by 2091.”

When asked if she’d be living the East End neighborhood that Java’s resides in, Ms. Rosemount laughed “Oh f*** no I’m moving back home! Do I look rich to you? Can you read?”

And while she couldn’t find work that directly put her degree to use, she expects plenty of opportunities to use her skill set. “I’m sure they’ll want like pictures of drinks and stuff, and maybe they’ll want me to run their social media for free?”