ROCHESTER, NY – In a brazen attempt to reach the millennial and zennial and whatever the kids 17-21 call themselves these days, the CEO of Vector is trying to appease the younger workforce who desperately want to die by stabbing them with the company’s famous Cutco knives.
“We have a generation that just tweets that they want to die all day because the worlds gone insane and climate change will destroy us all. So I’m out here just committing assault with an extremely deadly weapon to get them to understand that death isn’t that great but these knives are truly the best in the industry” said CEO Barrister Chairester, who was absolutely drenched in blood while he stabbed me repeatedly with the sharpest knife I’ve ever felt.
ROCHESTER, NY – In an effort to curb complaints from concert goers frustrated by the long wait to get inside for concerts, MSA management has offered to provide blankets for those waiting in the cold. The fact that these blankets are definitely laced with the same disease used to wipe out Native Americans is just something you have to deal with if you want to be warm during the hour wait outside for a Journey concert.
“We’ve heard all of the complaints with our venue, be it the price of bud light being $9, no air conditioning during the summer that makes it a sweat lodge during a Godsmack concert, and most of all people who are frustrated by having to wait an hour outside in 0 degree weather because we only hire 2 people to work the door. Here’s some lightly used, lightly diseased blankets we found behind The Salvation Army, hopefully this will alleviate some stress for y’all” said Armory Operator and butt chugging enthusiast, Randy Bandiddle.
ROCHESTER, NY – No it’s not Julia Roberts hanging out with anal gerbil enthusiast Richard Gere, but the Roc had its own Pretty Woman scenario play out this past weekend when a lady of the night was given a free breakfast voucher at the Strathallan downtown from her client for “exquisite service in the industry.”
Alexandria Bae didn’t have to yell “big mistake” at the omelet station as she was treated to all the coffee, juice, and mini muffins she could ever want for an estimated value of $17.99.
As an added bonus, Alexandria even received a complimentary Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookie at checkout, completing what was a beautiful romantic evening with an unknown Xerox executive.
ROCHESTER, NY – Winter has arrived and with that, parking in the city just went from wildly inconvenient to an absolute waking nightmare for those who wish to go out in the city or just live there without the luxury of off-street parking.
Nowhere is that need to park anywhere but the snow and ice-covered streets more necessitated than Meigs Street, where your mirrors and tail lights serve as an obstacle course to drunks trying to navigate down a 4 foot wide, unplowed road at 3 AM during nonstop snowfall.
But here are some tips and tricks to steer clear of having to go to the detailing shop because some dipshit played bumper cars after a long night grinding at Vertex…
- Take an Uber – No way to get your car clobbered if you leave your car home in the suburbs or wherever it is you live to avoid the hellscape of parking anywhere in the city on a weekend. Why’d your buddy even pick JD Oxfords? Do you even like him enough to go hang out there on a Saturday night when it’s 10 degrees out? F*** you Jeremy.
- Throw some parking cones around your car – Hey if the city isn’t going to plow Meigs, throw on a safety vest and pretend your car is a construction site. Maybe just maybe it’ll help push travelers to the other side so they can hit those cars instead. If you get a ticket from a Parking Monitor, just throw it away, parking tickets aren’t real.
- Park at Mark’s Texas Hots – They say if you park there, you’ll get towed: and they’re right you will be. And you’ll be towed to the scariest lot you’ve ever seen where nobody is even there and you’ll have to handsome dude who just rolls up in a beat-up civic your credit card to pay $180 in the hopes he can actually let your car out. But hey it beats the bill you’ll get at any repair shop for the damage of a hit and run am I right?
- Go to Hooligans in Greece or Webster – Just bail on city plans and go to the suburbs, where you can park your car safely away from careless drivers and can just go inside and get into a fight with someone who looks like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore.
ORCHARD PARK, NY – At 9-3, the Buffalo Bills are off to their best start in years, with the opportunity to clinch a playoff spot this week against Baltimore with a win. Fans are abuzz with hope (and a lot of Labatts) as their team appears to be building a culture of winning for the first time since Jim Kelly was called Machine Gun Kelly (really, see picture below).
Fans are so excited for this team that there is almost no concern that it will end in tears as it has in every year they have played for the last 49 years.
“Josh Allen is the savior! We’re going to run the table and win a super bowl because God has finally decided to let Buffalo have some success. And if I see some yuppie f*** at a tailgate dipping his wings in ranch I will personally power bomb him through my stand up George Foreman grill” said lifelong Bills fan and part time hot dog pickler, Jeff Deljeff.
ROCHESTER, NY – The Annual Keg Tree Lighting at Genesee Brewery has become a staple of the Rochester holiday season, however due to circumstances beyond the community’s understanding, CEO Kirk Butterdud abruptly announced there would be no event this year because “shut the f*** up, I’m tired and there’s no more beer. J-j-just like stack a bunch of cans in your backyard or something who f***in cares?” Butterdud then sprinted off and dove headfirst into high falls, where he had to be rescued by emergency services.
At last update he is in stable condition at Strong Hospital, and his BAC was .420. A high ranking official from Genesee confirmed that he had indeed consumed an entire keg of 12 Horse after a fight with his wife Rochelle.
ROCHESTER, NY – In a landmark court case sure to shake up the pun-based joke community, Dogtown Hots is asserting the writers of Bob’s Burgers stole their food-based joke format with Bob’s Burger of the day.
“We truly believe we invented food-based jokes, and I’m pretty sure I saw that Arby’s peddling bastard H Jon Benjamin in here taking photos of our special board and yelling ‘wow this is going to be great for my new cartoon show Bob’s Burgers, airing Sundays at 8:30 After Family Guy during Fox’s Animation Domination’ at the top of his lungs” – said Dogtown owner and part-time forklift refurbisher Alden Trundle.
At this time the only courthouse willing to accept this case has been former local judge Leticia Astacio, who is promoting her new show on public access “Bad Judgment”
The Bob’s Burger’s creators and Jon Benjamin could not be reached for comment, but when we tweeted at them we were instantly blocked and reported for harassment, so now we have to deal with that now.