The Folding Table community of Western NY says the Buffalo Bills first playoff game in 17 years will surely mean the deaths of several of their friends, coworkers, and even miniature folding table children.
“We haven’t been this afraid since the Great Table Purge of 1999 which you humans remember as the WWE TLC match between The Dudley and The Hardy Boyz. We lost so many great Tables that day” said Table McTableface while sobbing.
It is no secret that Buffalo Bills fans hate two things, the New England Patriots, and Folding Tables. “Every Sunday at New Era Field our family members are used to support kegs and trays of wings and than are violently sacrificed” McTableface recounts with terror in her eyes.
“I watched in horror last week as a young table, maybe only 3 months old, had it’s spine broken by a man elbow dropping the poor child after jumping from the roof of his automobile.”
The folding table community plans to reach out to the local Beer Can Tribe to form an alliance against the Bills Mafia since this once proud race of aluminum cans are also continuously assaulted at Bills tailgates as well.
“A man stabbed my brother in his groin, popped his top, and proceeded to suck the life out of him in less than 2 seconds. I believe you monsters call this process ‘Shotgunning’ and it’s actually the quickest death we can hope for” says Blue Light Can #12081429087. “Sometimes I see perfectly healthy cans being crushed against forheads until they explode. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS!”
After hearing that Monroe County was issued a Winter Storm Warning that will last until Wednesday night, Rochester’s worst roommates gave out a warning of their own: They’ll be on PornHub until the storm passes. DON’T COME IN MY ROOM.
They plan on taking a few breaks to stretch and get some electrolytes but don’t plan to stream anything in HD over the next few days because they’ll be using up the Wi-Fi on watching porn shot in warmer climates.
(Nov 30th, 2017 – Rochester, NY)
Today is the deadline for the Rochester Rhinos to reach the $1.3 Million they need to continue playing European Grass Hockey and the owners are trying everything to allow get them money.
“We got the idea from President Trump’s awful sons and their bloodlust against everything that breathes, crawls, walks, or flys in Africa” said Future Former Rhino’s owners.
The fundraising idea that is catching a lot of heat from Rochester Police and Human Right’s Advocates would force the Rochester Rhino’s starting lineup to be released in Highland Park and hunted for sport by the top donor.
“For the low price of $1.3 million dollars I can check hunting the most dangerous game off my bucket list? Count me in” said that dude that shot Cecil The Lion. He is currently in a bidding war with the Zoo Keeper from Cincinnati that shot Harambe.
We asked the Soccer players for comments but they were busy faking injuries to answer our questions.
“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”
His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.
When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”
The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”