All posts by Shane Allen

Inner Loop Creator and Co-Host of The Gentlemen's Club on 94.1 The Zone

“My Bad” says GOD: Discovers Decade of Post-Shooting ‘Thought & Prayers’ in Spam Folder

ROCHESTER, NY – God is apologizing to all creation as she found that 10 years worth of “thought & prayers” from shootings have been going directly into her spam folder.

“My G-Mail account must have marked them as junk since there is so many all the time. G-Mail stands for God Mail by the way. I don’t trust Google with my info” God told The Inner Loop Blog.

It’s hard to let God slide on this one (or for pain, suffering, and the ‘Cash Me Outside’ girl) but we can understand how there could be a mix up. We spoke to The Inner Loop’s technology expert Sebastian Thomas. Sebastian is one of our writer’s nephews that got the job because he seems hip and “in-touch” with internets.

Sebastian mansplained to us that the sheer volume of “thought & prayers” from a single mass shooting would be enough to trigger God’s spam filter. But when you factor in that there is a mass shooting in America nearly everyday “you might as be mixing together questionable Ham bits with water and starch because that’s the exact recipe for SPAM.”

God hopes to rectify the situation soon but we have doubts.

When the deity was leaving The Inner Loop we noticed both a “Dont Tread On Me” and N.R.A. bumper stickers on her flaming chariot.

Man Kicked Out of Movies 10 for Wearing BLACK panther FACE

ROCHESTER NY – A man had to be removed from a movie theater during the first screening of the new Marvel Black Panther movie in Rochester due to cosplaying.

Black Panther will be released in theaters nationwide tomorrow but in typical Marvel fashion, some theaters were allowed to have exclusive screenings today.

Movies 10’s exclusive early screening sold out in less than 15 minutes back in January. One of the fanboys that was lucky to get a ticket before they were gone was Thomas Greenfeld from Greece.

“I have been a huge Black Panther fan since he first appeared in Fantastic Four #52 in 1966!” Greenfeld told The Innerloop Blog.

The 62-year-old Rochester native bought a ticket-for-one just 5 minutes after the tickets went on sale online. A half hour later he was hard at work getting his cosplay ready.

“I knew a lot of fans would be showing up to the screening in costume and I wanted to stand out so I decided to study the art of makeup. I focused in on Japanese girls Youtube channels because I have an Asian fetish… [stammering]… I mean… I found them to be the most helpful. You won’t include the Asian fetish thing right?” continued noted Asian fetishist Tom Greenfeld.

Unfortunately for Mr. Greenfeld, none of the Japanese Makeup Vlogs hef requested must have included that it’s frowned upon in America for caucasian males apply Black makeup all over their face. [For More Info on Why See: Minstrel Shows Wikipedia Page, Ted Danson Blackface Google Image Search, and the 1986 movie “Soul Man”]

After months of working on his Black Panther makeup, it was finally movie day, so Tom applied his face, and headed to Movies 10 for the showing.

Tom was greeted with several “aww hell naw” and “you gotta be shi*ing” me’s. Tom took these as compliments as if the audience preparing to see the movie was impressed with his cosplay. They were not.

After several complaints to theater staff, Mr. Greenfeld was removed from the theater, given a ticket to another show, and told to dress appropriately next time.

Tom believing that people were upset by how realistic his makeup was is planning to switch things up and dress up to look like the star of the movie Chadwick Boseman.

The Innerloop will post calling hours for Mr. Greenfeld soon as we’re sure this will be his last living act.

1-Year Later: Man Still Waiting in Restaurant Lobby for Wife to Complete Valentine’s Day Scavenger Hunt

ROCHESTER NY – “All I have to say is f*** Pinterest for making me think this was a good idea” says George Rollenfeld of Webster who has now been living in the lobby of The Owl House for the past year.

George decided to get creative with the Valentine’s Date with his wife of 5-years Clair. “I just wanted to surprise her and show her I still cared. So I did a quick AskJeeves search of the ‘Top Ten Free Valentines Date Ideas That Don’t Take No Effort’ and I came across this idea of a scavenger hunt.”

George put together a 5 clue scavenger hunt that would end where the couple had their first date and where he later proposed. He snuck out the morning of Valentine’s Day and told his wife “good luck.” Mr. Rollenfeld thought the clues were easy enough that his lover would solve the puzzle in only a few hours.

However, George ended up staying until The Owl House closed it’s doors for the night on Valentine’s Day of 2017. George slept in his car just in case his wife figure it out later. He woke up and went back to waiting in the restaurant’s lobby.

He would repeat this process for the next week. Then the next month and by then he had lost his job for missing so many days. The Owl House, now fully aware of his plight decided to hire George as a busboy to make a living while he waited.

“I didn’t want to be tempted to text her so I locked my phone away as one of the clues” said George when we asked why he never reached out to Clair about her progress in the puzzle.

The Inner Loop blog caught up with Clair at their shared home where we were surprised to find that she was sharing with a new husband.

“When George decided to ghost me last Valentine’s Day, it was the last straw. After 5-years of marriage, you’re just going to disappear and not text me?” Clair told us. “I had to move on.”

It turns out Clair never found the first clue to trigger the scavenger hunt.

Xerox Intern Fired for Adding Women’s Underwear in Vending Machines to “Welcome Fujifilm Owners”

Rochester, NY – In an attempt to curry favor with new management and possibly turn his Fall Internship into a full-time paid position, Jeremiah Hoffstetter took it upon himself to “Welcome the new Fujifilm owners” to Rochester. But unfortunately for Jeremiah, he took it too far.

While the person who was in charge of stocking the breakroom vending machine was inserting some new packs of Fritos, Jeremiah convinced them to include some “homemade” packs of worn women’s underwear into the machine.

After being caught red-panty-handed via security camera, Jeremiah was promptly reprimanded, stripped of his Xerox credentials, and escorted out of the building.

“I studied abroad in Tokyo last semester. I thought this was a big part of the Japanese culture,” Jeremiah Hoffstetter told The Inner Loop in an exclusive interview. “Did you know there are also machine’s with worn women’s shoes too? I just wanted them to know we GET IT you know…”

Xerox executives say they’re embarrassed over the incident and plan to make it up to their new Fujifilm owners by throwing a “traditional Japanese party” which will include sake, sushi, and “something called hentai?”

Xerox Merges With FugeesFilm, Announce Wyclef Jean & Lauryn Hill As Dual CEOs

ROCHESTER, NY – While other “news” sources are talking about the $6.1 billion deal Fujifilm cut with Xerox Corp to take it over, The Inner Loop has received insider information the former Rochester giant will also be merging with lesser known company FugeesFilm.

Xerox believes this move to partner with Fuji and The Fugees will not only help them expand into the Asian-Pacific Market but also into the lucrative early 90s hip-hop music fan base.

Wycelf Jean and Lauryn Hill will lead the transition of the new Fugees Xerox joint venture. What will the business be doing? Making copies of “fire” mix tapes. “Xerox knows copies and we know music,” said new CEO Lauryn Hill. “It’s a perfect relationship!”

The new venture will have odd office hours because the other new CEO Wycelf Jean “can’t work a 9 to 5.” Rochester looks forward to it’s official start date sometime in November since Wycelf will be “gone till” then while learning business strategies. In the meantime, he invites all new Xerox co-workers to “give a kiss to my motha.”

 

Dog Owner Excited for Snow and Not Picking Up Dog Poop Another Week

ROCHESTER, NY – The shit has been piling up for Stacey Clark. Literally. One of the only parts of winter she enjoys is letting her Golden Retriever Rosco have his way with the backyard and not having to clean up after him.

“The key is to pick it up right before Spring” says Ms. Clark. “You want to get to it when the snow is thawed enough to see the landmines but cold enough to keep it frozen stiff. If you let it sit out too long in the sun you got yourself a mess.”

Donald McRonald of the Fertilizer Adaptation Rochester Tilling Society (F.A.R.T.S.) says that “dog poop is great for your garden!” McRonald claims that if you compost the poop before putting in your garden, it can kill toxic bacteria it contains that is harmful to humans.

After the interview, Donald gave The Inner Loop some Tomato Sauce he made from ingredients in his garden. If you would like some let us please write to us at TheInnerLoop@AOL.com. It pairs well with a merlot and a doctors appointment.

Local Man Hopes Jack White “Doesn’t Get #MeToo’d” Until After Rochester Tour Date

ROCHESTER NY – The #MeToo movement has brought sweeping changes and firings in the entertainment industry. However, the music industry has been relatively untouched by the movement. This makes Jack White fan Thomas Clarkson of Greece NY very nervous.

“I am very supportive of the #MeToo movement and I hope all these sex monsters rot in hell,” says Mr. Clarkson.

“But… listen… all I am saying is…. you know… I had Louis C.K. tickets. I don’t want to get screwed over again” Clarkson continued.

Back in 2015, Jack White announced an indefinite hiatus from performing live. Which is why the news that he would be putting out a new album and hitting the road again in 2018 blew his fans away.

But what was even more surprising was that White would be making a stop at the Dome Arena in Henrietta in June.

“I am not implying Jack White has done anything wrong, by any means he seems like a really good guy” Clarkson stammered. “I mean, wasn’t he banging his sister or something in the White Stripes?”

This long standing rumor is of course false. Meg White, the drummer of the now defunct band was not his sister. She was his wife and Jack took his wife’s surname.

It was not until later in his career that Jack White was in a band where he was sleeping with his siblings. That band was The Raconteurs who notably would all make-out on stage with one another after playing ‘Steady, As She Goes.’