All posts by Shane Allen

Inner Loop Creator and Co-Host of The Gentlemen's Club on 94.1 The Zone

World’s First Tide Pods Food Truck Coming To Rochester

ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!

Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.

Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”

“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.

When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”

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Bruises & PTSD at Wholesale Prices: Chaos at Sam’s Club Going-Out-Business Sale

ROCHESTER, NY – When Sam’s Club abruptly closed 63 stores nationwide and announced sweeping layoffs, many customers were angered. However, many more customers knew this would be an opportunity to let their cheap flag fly because the pending going out of business sale would be “Dope.”

Locally, the Sam’s Club stores in Greece and Henrietta will be shut down permanently, and Rochester’s chintziest members are lining up in droves to pick at the carcass of the Wholesale supplier before it’s official mercy killing on January 26.

During peak shopping times, it’s estimated that the line to get into Rochester’s Hottest New Club will cost you 90 minutes of your life to get

“I had to fight a few elderly women, but I was able to walk away with a months worth of toilet paper for only $28” says Cindy Borglish who was loading 10 bulk packages of TP into her Ford Fiesta.

We crunched the numbers, with 36 rolls coming to a package, that means Ms. Borglish is basically telling us she uses 360 rolls of toilet paper a month? Is she running a commune or is she taking the world’s worst dumps? We will write a follow-up soon because clearly, this is the bigger story.

KodakCoin Offering Laid-Off Workers Rare Second Chance to Lose Everything

ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.

“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.

Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.

“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.

A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.

We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the fuck bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”

‘Millennial Picasso’ Enters Blue-Blood Period, Exclusively Paints Tom Selleck

GREECE, NY – School Of The Arts graduate Billy Griffin has hit the same wall every great artist hits. The dreaded “Blue-Blood Period” of their work.

Pablo Piccaso, between 1901 and 1904, hit a point where he said “el fuck a dissashit” and decided to paint nothing but somber, monochromatic pieces in shades of blue or, to keep audiences on their toes, blue-green. It was known as his Blue Period. It was what art historians call: “emo AF.”

But now more and more millennials in 2018 are reporting hitting a similar period call the “Blue-Blood Period” where they can only paint monochromatic paintings of Tom Selleck.

“I don’t know what happened. I started painting a landscape and fifteen minutes later, I looked up and I had actually painted a full-on portrait of Tom Selleck from CBS’s Blue Bloods, Fridays, 10 Eastern, 9 Central” said Mr. Griffin.

We asked him if he had ever watched the show, but as we suspected, he had never seen a minute. Blue Bloods is a show that is currently in its eighth season, yet no one has ever watched it.

We call it this the “Rizzoli and Isles” effect. These types of shows coast off a dedicated audience of retirement home patrons and Uncles that haven’t figured out “the internets” yet.

“I know it’s a show, that it has Tom Selleck, and it’s about cops, but I couldn’t tell you a single thing that has ever happened in that show,” said Mr. Griffin.

Unlike Picasso, who had difficulty selling his Blue Period pieces, every Blue-Blood painting of Mr. Selleck sells instantly on Etsy. When asked for comment the company told us it was “probably a sex fetish thing.”

Coworker Who Joked About Rochester “Shorts Weather” Catches Rare Form Of Hypothermia

(Rochester, NY) After breaking a long cold spell Rochester’s biggest liars, aka Meteorologists, call for a few days of warmish weather. Although the forecast calls for temperatures that would be known in the rest of the world as “still pretty shitty” Rochestarians are excited at the possibility of seeing sunlight.

The office jokester that no one actually finds funny is ready to pull out his Winter closer of a joke. Like the groundhog, he lies in wait for warmer weather for his time to shine.

Now that his coworkers all know that a 50-degree day is around the corner, he’s ready to pounce on the opportunity to walk around the office, mention the forecast, and say “I’m thinking about breaking out my shorts!”

Obviously, there is no need to point out, this is the best joke ever written. Clearly, this original masterpiece that no one has ever used before is on the same writing level as the likes of Carlin, Pryor, and Seinfeld. It has everything. It’s topical, it’s sexy, it’s fun, and it’s not the social justice warrior crap that all the comics are doing these days.

I only make a point of letting you know how amazing this joke is because this comedy virtuoso was sent to the hospital with a rare form of hypothermia.

It turns out he wasn’t joking. He actually ‘broke out his shorts’ and after just a half-hour outside scraping ice off his car, he ended up collapsing into a snowbank.

Doctors say he has one week to live and his family told us that they will “bury him in his favorite shorts.”

ROC Girl Down To Only 5 More Scarves In Winter Strip Poker Game

(Rochester, NY) Only fifteen hours into the strip poker game in Rochester and things are heating up. After removing her winter boots, third hat, fourth pair of socks, second jacket, facemask, thermal headband, and earmuffs, the only girl that agreed to gamble their nudity, is down to just 5 more scarves before the rest of the table sees some vague hoodie cleavage.

With Monroe County living inside of a Winter Storm Warning for what seems like at least the last 7 years, any type of travel in the -15° weather has required residents to wear at least 20 layers to survive.

After 3 hours of indoor heat, things got exciting at a local house party when everyone removed one layer while regaining feeling in their limbs.

Tiffany accidentally removed all three of her gloves revealing the first glimpse of female skin that many of the men at the party had seen since all Rochester women put their cleavage into hibernation in October.

After some convincing, she agreed to play some strip poker if Tommy agreed to crank the heat of the house up at least 20 degrees.

Tommy, the horny idiot, did not think the game would take so long to remove enough layer to see anything close to PornHub. Fifteen hours into the game and it’s still EskimosMeet.org.

We reached out to RG&E to find out how much turning up his heat will cost him and they sent us this estimate:

Roughly $1 Million, 16,000 bitcoins, his first born, 80 hours of community service and all of his Kohl’s Cash

Western NY Folding Tables Brace for Bills Playoff Game AKA “The Tableholocaust”

The Folding Table community of Western NY says the Buffalo Bills first playoff game in 17 years will surely mean the deaths of several of their friends, coworkers, and even miniature folding table children.

“We haven’t been this afraid since the Great Table Purge of 1999 which you humans remember as the WWE TLC match between The Dudley and The Hardy Boyz. We lost so many great Tables that day” said Table McTableface while sobbing.

It is no secret that Buffalo Bills fans hate two things, the New England Patriots, and Folding Tables. “Every Sunday at New Era Field our family members are used to support kegs and trays of wings and than are violently sacrificed” McTableface recounts with terror in her eyes.

“I watched in horror last week as a young table, maybe only 3 months old, had it’s spine broken by a man elbow dropping the poor child after jumping from the roof of his automobile.”

The folding table community plans to reach out to the local Beer Can Tribe to form an alliance against the Bills Mafia since this once proud race of aluminum cans are also continuously assaulted at Bills tailgates as well.

“A man stabbed my brother in his groin, popped his top, and proceeded to suck the life out of him in less than 2 seconds. I believe you monsters call this process ‘Shotgunning’ and it’s actually the quickest death we can hope for” says Blue Light Can #12081429087.  “Sometimes I see perfectly healthy cans being crushed against forheads until they explode. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS!”