Rochester, NY – Following the success of the Rubino’s Italian cookie donut collaboration, Ridge donut has announced another creation, The Garbage-nut.
Using Nick Tahou’s famous recipe, patrons will be served four donuts filled with the four ingredients that make up Rochester’s favorite food: The Garbage Plate.
“I was a little turned off by the name” said Fred Willson of Fairport. “Garbage-nut sounds like something you’d do in the back of the Klassy Kat, not a food.”
This masterpiece will only be available between Midnight-2:00am and the person at the register will require you to blow above a .08 on a breathalyzer in order to complete your purchase.
Rochester, NY – Patrons started to get suspicious when a man tried several times to swipe his Gold Member Shoppers Club Card at the Tops Friendly Market.
When reached for comment Danny said “Danny who? My name is Man Degman. I’m a whole other guy damnit!”
Rochester, NY – The City of Rochester is taking all local tattoo artists to court for the gross overuse of the Flower City Symbol.
“Everyone under 35 has it inked on their body somewhere” says City Offical Bryan Luket. “We’ve got a dang trademark on the thing and yet we aren’t seeing any of the profits!”
Tattoo artists tell The InnerLoop Blog that the Rochester Logo makes up about 90% of their business last year so they expect to make major cuts if the lawsuit doesn’t go in their favor.
Ironically the artist that came up with the Flower City logo refused to get the iconic graphic tattooed on himself opting instead to have a small lilac branded on his right buttcheek.
Pittsford, NY – In a Buffalo Bills training camp surprise, your Dad’s 30-year-old Zubaz pants announced they’ll be returning for another season of NFL action!
The grizzled veteran took the podium today to say their excited for another year of protecting your Dad’s junk and can’t wait to get back to work with their favorite teammate (the 20-year-old Bills winter jacket your Dad wears that has zero insulation at this point).
The announcement stunned football analysts. Ted Bruisermen told The InnerLoop Blog “Can they even still play? Look at them! They’re stained with nacho cheese and wing sauce, they’re tattered at the bottom from years of being dragged around Western NY, and where is the drawstring? That’s been gone sine 99′ yall!”
Rochester, NY – We would love to back up this claim but we can’t really.
We’d love to show you shooting statistics for Rochester but the CDC still doesn’t get federal funding for gun violence research and it hasn’t for the past 23 years. That seems pretty fucked up right?
I mean I guess that we could go through every D&C article about a shooting and tally it up but who has the time or desire to pay for a D&C subscription?
Rochester, NY – A large protest consisting mostly of local college-aged women had to be broken up outside of City Hall today after a misunderstanding led the women to believe that their go-to party beverage White Claw was banned in New York State.
“We heard that something about New York and de-claw-ing and we were already pretty tipsy off like four mango claws and we got pissed,” said Kelly Tortma a Saint John Fisher student.
Mayor Lovely Warren got onto the bullhorn at the protest to inform the women that they had confused the new Cat Declawing Ban with an outright ban on clawing.
The Mayor confirmed that she herself is more of a red wine drinker but is known to get her “claws-out” during BBQs and pool partys.
Disclaimer: White Claw did not pay us any money to write this article but they really should so if you know anyone that works at that fruity-burp factory tell them to write us a check. Thanks.
St. Thomas, Barbados – Local celebrity and sex symbol Mittsy was spotted this week on vacation with television star Biggler Birdacus (aka Big Bird).
Their publicists are denying any rumors that they are dating and say that they just so happened to be yachting near each other and decided to hang-out.
When reached for comment, Mittsy’s counterpart Spike’s simply grinned and put his hands on his hips. #YIKES