Rochester, NY – Local cocktail bar The Daily Refresher is known for their speakeasy decor and their employees are not too happy with everyone in Rochester throwing “Roarin’ 20s” parties for New Year.
“Oh, you think wearing a bowtie is “fun” huh? I have to wear one every night! This hot, thick wool vest isn’t for fashion, it’s my culture you ignoramus!” said one Daily Refresher bartender while waxing his mustache between cocktails.
Another Daily Refresher employee told The InnerLoop Blog that he’s mostly upset that everyone will be able to see what each other is wearing for New Years’.
“I put on this dumb outfit to look like a bootlegger but no one can see my outfit behind the bar. And even when I step out to go round up used glasses, no one can see me thanks to all the dumbass fake old-timey lightbulbs in this joint. You can’t see shit here.”
Rochester, NY – “This airport is a dump,” said Santa Claus after a reindeer malfunction forced him to land at the Greater Rochester International Airport.
Santa is known to take a break from his deliveries on Christmas Eve at airports all over the world and says “Rochester’s is by far the worst I have ever seen.”
He did say the Garbage Plates they serve inside now is a good touch but he’s worried he may need to use his sack of gifts as a barf bag if he finishes the entire plate before taking off again. “I may have to use a chimney as a makeshift toilet based on how greasy the meat sauce is.”
Rochester, NY – After spending his entire life in the lake effect snow, Rochester Inventor Ricky Mortay was tired of spending hours clearing his driveway. “There had to be a better way.”
After years of tinkering in his garage, Mortay was able to build a working model of the “Lazy F***er Snow Chucker.” A one-pass snowblower of his own design.
“Every time I’ve snowblowed it took forever. I felt like I was mostly spraying the snow to the spot I just blew. No more! With this guy, I turn it on, do one walk down the driveway, and then I’m done.”
Unfortunately, Mortay’s neighbors were not as excited as the inventor for his oversized tool. A 911 recording obtained by The InnerLoop Blog has one neighbor claiming “it sounds like Chernobyl over here goddamnit. I thought we were under attack when he fired that thing up.”
Rochester, NY – Local economists say Western NY business fell record levels after Buffalo Bills fans stayed up later than usual watching their team win in primetime.
“I am not used to seeing Josh Allen in the dark of night. I felt like his girlfriend. It was hot” said one Bills Mafia member.
“It was cool that a national audience got to see the wagon circlers but jesus, it’s a little late to be listening to Cris Collinsworth and his bullshit” said another fan.
Local brunch places are bracing for next Sunday when fans hungover from a rare Saturday Bills game will surely be looking to score some hot and greasy.
Pittsburgh, PA – Bills Mafia is traveling in force tonight for Buffalo’s game against the Steelers and The InnerLoop Blog has been leaked their secret plan to get into the heads of Pittsburgh’s players and fans.
The Terrible Towel is a Steelers staple made popular in 1975 when a radio announcer convinced an entire city of dummies that a dish towel was the key to their team’s success.
Not too be outdumbed, Bills fans are bringing their own beloved towel. The Moist Towelette.
Yes, the after-dinner-treat given all who eat Buffalo Wings which is used to clean the hot sauce off of their fingers before touching their genitals.
The Bills Mafia has been collecting their dirty, spicy, stinky moist towelettes for the last month and plans sew them together and wave them proudly in Heinz Field all night.
Henrietta, NY – A local attorney is cashing in on Rochester natives with a death wish who are choosing to do last-minute Thanksgiving shopping at Wegmans.
As we all know, Wegmans that day before any holiday is a hellish landscape on par with Water World or Mad Max. If you are able to walk out of there with your life, and the last can of corn, you should count your blessings.
“I just figured it would be best for people to have their affairs in order before heading into the modern-day coliseum known as Weggies,” said Roger England Attorney at Law. He is currently charging $300 for a will or $50 if you can grab him all the things he has on his grocery list.
Rochester, NY – Did you know that historians do not believe Nick Tahoe invented the Garbage Plate? They say the first instance of a “plate” actually appeared on the first Thanksgiving when one pilgrim overindulged on wine and started mixing all of the food on the table together.
“Two sides, Turkey on top, and gravy covering everything. Sound familiar?” says RIT American History professor Cynthia Nixon. “It was noted in some Native American literature that they were completely disgusted by this act until they also got drunk and needed a second Thanksgiving after the sunset.”