All posts by Shane Allen

Inner Loop Creator and Co-Host of The Gentlemen's Club on 94.1 The Zone

Red Wings “Spikes” Newest Hero to Join Marvel Cinematic Universe

ROCHESTER, NY — The mascot for Rochester’s Minor League Baseball Team, Spikes, has been invited to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe, following the organization’s condemnation of bigots upset about last season’s “Pride Night” at Frontier Field.

“Once we saw their comment back to that dumb guy about having a ‘straight day’ we knew we’d have to sign Spikes.” Said Kevin Feige, President of the Marvel Cinematic Universe since 2007, “I mean I know the Red Wings are just exhibiting basic human civility and morals by supporting a marginalized community, but their response was so beautifully well articulated, not to mention peppered with the perfect amount of shade, we had no other option than to offer Spikes a multi-movie franchise contract.”

The new addition was welcomed well by the members of the MCU across the board, including Chris Evans, Marvel’s Captain America.

“I am absolutely thrilled that Spikes signed with Marvel. We could really use another ass-kickin’, steel-balls swingin’, die-hard American patriot on the team.” Said Evans, sipping a neat glass of Maker’s Mark, “I couldn’t believe he would grace us with his presence. Shit, if his fight moves are half as strong as his debate skills, we’ll all be in for an incredible show.”

Spikes himself was at a loss for words about his new role off the field.

“Sure, I’m honored that they asked me, and yeah, I’m going to do it.” Said Spikes, standing on Frontier Field’s first baseline dugout. “I just don’t really see what the big deal is, I mean, what I said wasn’t anything revolutionary, really. It’s just being a decent human being, and I’m not even human. I’m a bird.”

“If a bird can be a decent human being, than I feel like humans can do it too.” He continued. “Some folks just need a little help finding their way to be just that.”

At press time, Spikes was seen knocking home runs out of the park, fireworks ablaze, guzzling an ice-cold Genny over home plate.

Rochester Man with Rainbow Fetish Admits to Having “Amazing Time” on Social Media Yesterday

Rochester, NY – A local man with “Lightphilia” is has written to us at The Inner Loop Blog admitting that “yesterday was a day you only dream about with my kink.”

His fetish is known as “Lightphilia” and is where you’re sexually attracted to lights. “Basically when you’ve got what I have rainbows are friggen Halle Berry. We’re used to getting off to strobe lights which are essentially our Anne Hathaway. Attractive, sure, but you could take it or leave it really,” said Thomas Ham.

Ham  says all of the social media posts from yesterday’s giant rainbow over Rochester really “did it for him” and says he looks forward to scrolling through your timelines to see more of that “sexy, dirty, refracted light.”

Rochester’s Newest Haunted House is Just a Wegmans WITHOUT Milk and Bread in Stock

Rochester, NY – “It was like a gosh darn nightmare,” said one patron of Rochester’s newest haunt, The Snowstorm Simulator.

Open only until Halloween, this attraction located in an abandoned Wegmans gives you the entire shopping experience Rochester loves, but without any bread or milk.

“We toyed with the idea of having no Rottesery Chickens in stock too but we figured anarchy might take over the building,” said the organizer Wanny Degmin.

NEW Candy Bar Filled with Hot Sauce Released Just in Time for Halloween

ROCHESTER, NY – The owner of a local hots restaurant is trying to capitalize on Rochester’s obsessions with Garbage Plates and getting diabetes with a new Candy Bar filled with Meat Hot Sauce.

“I got the idea when some kid stoned out of his mind was sitting at one of our booths at 1am saying that the sauce tasted like candy,” said Dale Irvington the candy bar inventor.

The ‘Rochester Chew’ will be a variation of the Hot Sauce residents have come to know and love stuffed inside a milk chocolate bar.

What many people do not know is when the meat-based plate gravy is refridgerated it goes from a liquid to a delightful solid. We say many people do not know this because the majority of Rochesterians have never had to save a Garbage Plate, opting to eat 3000 calories in one sitting like a hero.

“It tastes like regret,” said one man sampling the candy bar who we caught dashing for a bathroom holding both his mouth and butt closed with his hands.

Cheryl Dinolfo’s Hair Quits County Executive Campaign

Rochester, NY – Cheryl Dinolfo is running for a second term as Monroe County Executive and will now have to do it without her signature hair after it made a surprise announcement today that it will no longer work on the campaign.

“I can stop a bullet, but I can’t stop feeling like helping a Republican after the past few years is unconscionable,” said Dinolfo’s Hair in a statement.

No word on what Cheryl will be doing for a new look moving forward although rumors are swirling that she may try to bring back “The Rachael” after binge-watching Friends.

House of Guitars Plans to Expand, ‘Studio Apartment of Ukuleles’ Set for Grand Opening Next Year

Rochester, NY –  The world-renowned House of Guitars is finally expanding after 55 years of business. Their second location which will be called the Studio Apartment of Ukuleles hopes to appeal to a younger audience and is set for a Grand Opening next year.

“We noticed that the kids these days aren’t into electric guitars. They’re more into looking like Zooey Deschanel on Instagram and having an instrument portable enough to ruin everyone else’s day wherever they go” said one HOG manager.

The new location promises to have the same “vibes” as the flagship store with “shit everywhere” and signatures of “people that haven’t done anything” all over the walls.

Geese Leave Cryptic Message in Tom Golisano’s Yard Before Flying South for the Winter

South Bristol, NY – Local billionaire Tom Golisano filed a police report this morning alleging he woke up to find a scary message written in goose poop in his yard. While some people may think this would be the work of a deranged person, or a disgruntled Paychex employee, Mr. Golisano knows this is the work of the rapid goose gang that has taken over his home.

It has been well-publicized that Tom refused to pay a $90,000 school tax bill last year after the town did nothing to give him relief from this hoard of beaked Canadians. What hasn’t been noted is the mind games the Geese have been playing on the local philanthropist.

“At one point, everything you touched had poop somewhere on it. He’d go out to his car in the morning, boom, poop in the handle. He’d go to make coffee, boom, poop in the coffee pot. He’d go to kiss his wife, boom, it was a Goose dressed in drag” said Golisano’s groundskeeper Horus Stoollittle.

Mr. Golisano will get a few months of peace as the Geese are now leaving for warmer weather but he fears that after spending time in the south, the Geese will come back angrier, more racist, and will a terrifying bath salts addiction.