Charlotte, NY – With the beaches clear of people, local seagulls have been forced to fend for themselves for sustenance. No longer able to survive off of picnic scraps, dropped Ice Cream cones, and used tampons that have washed ashore, these local birds have been forced to evolve quickly with the times.
Residents living near the water swear they’ve seen the seagulls throwing BBQs, cooking burgers, and dropping them right on the ground to eat. “I saw one of them using a used syringe to break open the lock on a closed down business only to carry out the garbage they left in their bins before they closed due to the coronavirus.”
Rochester, NY – Many residents were upset to year the annual Lilac Festival has been rescheduled but none were more disappointed than Rochester’s local gangs.
Generally, the Lilac Festival has become the de facto meeting spot for rambunctious groups of young adults to come out, enjoy some kettle corn, and beat the living shit out of each other.
“We lost a lot of money on all the fake mustaches we bought to get through security and the ‘Must Have A Parent If You’re Under 16’ rule,” says one anonymous gang member. “But videochat fighting seems like the safest thing to do.”
He added that’s he might be an “asshole” but he’s not a total “douche” and encouraged everyone to stay the fuck home.
Rochester, NY – Since the coronavirus has shut down Rochester’s economy, and families are going hungry, City Officials have pushed through a stimulus package aimed at keeping the city fed.
Part of the bill that just passed is the construction of a giant Garbage Plate that is estimated to be able to feed all of Rochester until 2021. Using Frontier Field, massive amounts of macaroni salad and home fries will be dropped into the world’s largest styrofoam container before being topped by burgers made from 270,000 cows.
“It’s food and jobs program. The plate will feed people and the building of this thing will put the hard-hit restaurant and construction people back to work!” said one official.
The massive garbage plate will be topped with onions and hot sauce, and anyone who likes to put ketchup on their plates is asked to starve to death instead.
Pittsford, NY – The CDC one of the best things you can do right now to prevent the spread of coronavirus is to wash your hands frequently which sounds easy enough but due to all the hoarders in Rochester, the soap supplies are running low.
Unfortunately, this has meant that many Pittsford moms like Barbara Tudim have had to take the plastic wrap off their decorative soaps and actually use them to wash their hands for the required 20 seconds.
“I have been telling all of my houseguests that they need to use the liquid soap and not the amazing $200 soap that I picked up at on that trip my husband and I took to Cape Cod. The woman that makes it uses her own breastmilk in it,” says Barbara. “But now I am going to have to actually use it.”
Medical advisors say that decorative soap usually doesn’t have the same type of disinfecting qualities that other soaps have but they honestly don’t think Pittsford with be hit with COVID-19 since it “probably can’t afford to go there.”
Rochester, NY – Ever since the Coronavirus touched down in the United States, Rochesterians have been convinced that there is an even deadlier ailment around the corner: The Gennyvirus.
“I’m assuming it’s kind of like the Genny Screamers on steroids,” said local hypochondriac Chad Cheddington. “Like brutal diarrhea, the sweats, awful drunk texts to your ex… The whole thing.”
Local health offices are so fed up with answering questions about a potential Gennyvirus that they’ve put out mass emails to all their patients to confirm that it does not exist and to please stop calling. They also stated for the record that switching to Genny Light will not help you avoid any future ailments.
Rochester, NY – Local scientists and physicians are currently working hard to prove Boss Sauce is the cure for Coronavirus as it may be the only hope the city has to fight the deadly virus.
“What we’ve noticed is not everyone loves to get vaccine shots, but they do love boss sauce,” says Dr. Rafeal Sidiq. “The hope is that someone the combination of vinegar and sugar can kill the virus.”
Current tests are injecting rats with COVID-19 and feeding them tiny chicken tendies dunked in the sauce. So far the rats have all died, faster, but they have looked happy while doing it.
Rochester, NY – While the ride is no more, the music lives on. The anonymous DJ from SeaBreeze’s Gyrospehere recently started making himself available for weddings and InnerLoop insiders say he’s already booked through 2030.
If you’re amongst the many couples on his waiting list, we have good news. We have a leaked copy of the playlist he uses for weddings which you can just rent speaker and DIY.
Ceremony Music: “Fire on High” by ELO
Couple’s First Dance: “Twilight Zone” by 2 Unlimited
Reception: Mortal Kombat Techno Remix (Replay for 3-Hours)
If you can find a way to add strobe lights and teenagers spitting on strangers, you can recreate the ride at your very own wedding for cheap.