Rochester, NY – “There is no reason I should be hearing chirping in the middle of winter,” one local man wrote to The InnerLoop Blog’s complaint line. It’s the 5,000th letter we’ve received criticizing about all the birds who decide to stick it out here in Rochester year-round.
Yes, even though they were given the ability to fly and can build a new home wherever they want with any permits, several birds decide to stay in Monroe County even through the Winter.
“It’s crazy. Why would they stay here? They don’t have a crappy family holding them down like most of us” said one local dad in front of his whole family. “At least the bugs have the decency to all die during the winter. They’ve got it right!”
Finger Lakes, NY – Former judge Leticia Astacio isn’t letting being sentenced back to jail for violating probation stop her from living her best life.
A new winery in the Finger Lakes has announced a partnership with the disgraced City Court judge for a brand new line of “Prison Wine.”
“While wine is usually fermented in barrels, we’re using some techniques Leticia picked up in jail to make this new batch of wines,” says head winemaker Darby Peirce. “The grapes are crushed by hand and left in a toilet with some sugar and yeast until it’s ready for drinking.” The yeast, in this case, is a piece of stale white bread that can be found in any prison commissary.
Unfortunately, we have not been able to try the wine so we can not give you a full review but we can offer its description according to the label:
“Astacio is a semi-sweet red table wine that opens with a sweet sangria-style taste and finishes with a toilet tang. It pairs perfectly with sloppy joes, sad eggs, and mystery meat. You’ll be trading cigarettes for a glass of this bad boy in no time!”
Rochester, NY – It’s no secret that Rochesterians love a nice warm car in the morning. And while some of the well-to-do here in Monroe County may have automatic start systems in their car, several people are still warming up their vehicles the old fashioned way by turning the key and leaving their unlocked vehicles alone.
It’s for this reason that the Rochester Thieves Guild (RTG) has issued a new press release thanking locals. “There’s a common misconception that we hate stealing cars in the winter because it’s cold. On the contrary, we love it. All you dumb dumbs leave your cars unlocked, running, and warm” said the RTG’s Chairman.
“At least when you take candy from a baby, the baby puts up a little bit of a fight. You people are just giving cars away. It’s amazing!”
Rochester, NY – The Barrel of Dolls is known for shaking things up in the Village Gate area but their recent business decision has local economists stunned.
The gentlemen’s club decided to switch from employing real women to being more true to their name. The dancing staff is now completely made of plastic and silicone and the club is booming every night.
“I bought a Real Girl Doll online but noticed you get a good deal if you buy them in bulk,” said one of Barrel’s managers who wanted to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “I figured how about instead of me ruining these things over the course of the next year, why not try to use them at the club and make some money back!”
The first show with Britany, a doll that is supposed to look like Britney Spears but looks more like a melted Christina Aguilera, had the club packed.
“They announced a new special show on their Instagram and I had to check it out,” said the Barrel Darel, a local strip club aficionado. “When they dragged out this lifeless sex doll on stage, I was kind of pissed, but then the show started, and I realized this was my kink.”
With the help of some rope, a few pullies, and drones, the sex dolls put on a choreographed show that no mortal could have ever pulled off. Their legs bend over their head, their fake boobs wrap around their entire body like a 12-year-old’s perverted drawing of an octopus, and they never get tired.
“The big plus is that until they gain sentience, we don’t have to worry about lawsuits,” said a Barrel representative. “It’s a game-changer.”
Buffalo, NY – Buffalo Bills fans are not too happy with the NFL referees after a questionable Blindside Block call knocked them out of field goal range in overtime and eventually led to their elimination from the playoffs.
“What a shitty call,” said one Bills fan on Twitter while offering no context for the social media post and getting no likes or retweets on the post.
The InnerLoop’s Football Expert Tad McClintaw says “if you really want to understand the penalty against Cody Ford you need to look at the rule as it’s written.”
So we did.
The NFL Blindside Block rule states: “It is now prohibited for a blocker to initiate forcible contact with his head, shoulder or forearm when his path is toward or parallel to his own end line or for any Buffalo Bills team to advance when we could make more money with bigger market teams in the playoffs.”
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills are in the playoffs and fans are not ready for the food being served at parties around Western NY.
“I know I said ‘New Year, New Me’ but if Josh Allen throws a single interception, I am going to eat a dozen chicken wings out of frustration,” said Bills fan Greg Smarmetz.
“Also, if Josh Allen throws a touchdown, I will be eating two dozen wings to celebrate.”
Rochester, NY – “I’ve been to every concert they’ve put on in the last four months. My doctor told me if I don’t stop he’s going to have to take my foot” says George Tofferang a man who the RPO calls “The Cookie Guy.”
Mr. Tofferang has a weird thing for the snacks served during intermission at the Kodak Hall. In particular, he’s reached nearly fetish status with the cookies served by the orchestra.
He’s tried to recreate the recipe at home, he’s tried buying them in bulk at a concert and eating them later on, but he says they only taste great when the “violins are rocking.”
ENT Doctor Morgan Girthburg he most likely has a very rare condition known has Ear-Tounge. “People with this affliction find food tastes better when they’re listening to music. It’s the reason Olive Garden blasts stereotypical italian music in thier restaruant.”