Rochester, NY – Our city has been tormented by weeknight firework bandits for the better part of last month and now that the Fourth of July is here, the folks that have been chucking them out their car window in neighborhoods and driving away are having mixed feelings.
The InnerLoop caught up with one of these local douchebags and they told us that while they had the stockpile for a “litty display” they will probably be saving them “for a time when people aren’t paying attention.”
They say that without some “uptight town Facebook group going nuts in the comments” it’s just not worth it. They plan to fire their loudest pyrotechnics near a local orphanage later this week to make up for lost time.
Rochester, NY – July 4th and BBQs go together like COVID-19 and a retirement home, so today, thousands of grills in Rochester are set to fire up and cook the meals for family gatherings.
One local dad is proud of his daughter for moving out of the home to her new apartment in the South Wedge but isn’t too happy with how it’s changed her diet. “Ever since she moved there, she started hanging out with some hippy vegan weirdos and now all she eats is kale and tofu bullshit,” says Frank Borcshal of Penfield.
In a passive-aggressive move, Frank plans to banish the veggie hotdogs she’s planning to bring to his house to the side of the grill he knows doesn’t “cook things good.” His hope is that if he undercooks it, she’ll refuse to eat it, and go back to eating “real hotdogs, like a real American!”
Rochester, NY – Much like many of our residents, Magic Hat Brewing has announced they’ve given up on their big-city dreams and that they’re moving into Rochester.
It’s big news for local employer North American Breweries who will be taking them in, but sad news for the Dungeons and Dragons players of RIT who, for one brief moment, thought magic was real.
In a statement they released on their guild chatroom, RIT’s D&D Club warned all of their members to not believe the “fake news” about an “enchanted hat” coming to our city. “It’s just the name of some dumb beer company. It is not a quest item that will give you +10 intellect or any special abilities. In real life, drinking that beer may give you a +10 ability to crap your pants.”
Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has received several complaints from local dogs and veterans about the unsanctioned fireworks displays going on downtown on a nearly nightly basis.
After some digging, we were able to track down the man responsible for supply the amateur pyrotechnics, and the story goes deeper than we could have ever imagined.
Phil Testeen is a Pennslyvania native who just so happens to have the roadside fireworks stand closest to the New York State Border. “I’m not going to lie to you fellas, I’ve had to shoot a lot of roman candles up competitors poo’ holes to maintain this spot,” said a very candid Testeen. “Sometimes I will catch someone trying to sneak into my territory so I will wait until they’re sleeping and I will sneak into their house and light off a sparkler in their poo’ hole,” said Testeen confirming that he indeed has committed many firework-related butt crimes.
While his firework stand is rundown and tattered, do not be fooled. According to our sources, Testeen is actually one of the richest men on the planet. “I pay of those Forbes people to keep me off their list, I want my privacy to do my poo’ hole related business in peace.”
Recent estimates show that he’s seen a huge boost to his business thanks to the COVID-19 stimulus checks and he told us “whenever you see a firework above Rochester NY, there’s a 99% chance it came from my stand, and a 100% chance it’s been up my poo’ hole!”
Rochester, NY – While many suburban women, and elderly men with Trump signs out in their lawn, were said to hear that Radio 95.1’s Kimberly and Beck had been fired, many more Rochesterians rejoiced that their airwaves were free from this duo’s “hot takes” and “overt racism.”
One local cemetery has taken it upon themselves to give local’s a cathartic experience and allow them to dance on the grave of their career. After erecting a monument to their time in Rochester Radio, the cemetery invited anyone interested to come out and enjoy a socially distant dance party where everyone could take turns “bustin’ a move” on top of K&B’s failure.
Rochester, NY – In case you missed it, the radio show listened to be Rochester’s least favorite Aunts is no more. Kimberly and Beck were swiftly fired after making racist comments on the air.
Now as you may remember they’ve previously been fired for transphobic remarks as well so everyone kind of half-expected Radio 95.1 to hire them back when things cooled down. But that doesn’t seem to be the case this time.
Their afternoon time slot has already been filled by a brand new show called “Bimberly And Keck” which promises to deliver hard-hitting local news stories, lots of lame jokes, and even lamer sound effects. As far as their racist content goes they promise to keep to a light dog whistle instead of the overt stuff their predecessors got into.
Greece, NY – It was just announced that Rochester-area malls could be reopening their doors as early as next week and that’s simply not fast enough for local thieves.
A group of local shoplifters has gathered in the parking lot of Greece Ridge Mall to create a candlelight vigil to honor all of the clothes they’ve stolen from the Aéropostale and weird penis-related paraphernalia at Spencer’s Gifts.
“We hope that one day soon we’ll be able to get back to work ruining the days of local teenagers working parttime in these stores,” said one local bandit.
Rochester, NY – Local hospitals say they’ve seen the sharpest increase in cases of “Hot Dog Revenge” this Memorial Day.
Doctors say these injuries occur when a pop open hot dog does not pop completely on the grill. When bitten into the dog will spray liquid hot magma dog juice into people’s eyes.
“It is most likely Rochester dad’s aged 40 to 50 who are likely to suffer from this ailment. the burns are exacerbated when also coming into contact with relish juice” said one local physician.
Rochester, NY – With stay at home orders still in effect, Rochester festivals are having to get creative if they want to continue in 2020.
If you look carefully at the next Happy Birthday parade beeping down your street you might notice something extra special about it. It could just be the Puerto Rican Festival in hidden in plain sight.
If you see any tiny little Puerto Rican flags, hear Daddy Yankee music, or smell Mofongo, you’re probably looking at the 2020 version of one of Rochester’s biggest cultural celebrations.
Organizers say moving the festival around like this may actually be an improvement. According to one of the festival’s leaders,”it helps to keep it from getting broken up by the police and also the Puerto Rican festival was never in just one spot ever. It was in all of our hearts.”
Rochester, NY – There is a good chance that pro sports might be played in stadiums without fans this year which would be a huge transition for most athletes used to the crowd noise.
This will however not be that big of a switch for the Rochester Americans who are used to playing to lots of empty seats. That’s why the NFL, NHL, and NBA have reached out to the Amerks to counsel their professional athletes on how to make the transition to empty crowds.
“One of the first lessons I will tell them is to tune down celebrations,” said one anonymous Amerks player. “There’s nothing more heartbreaking than doing a sick sliding guitar solo with your hockey stick only to look up and see no one giving a single f***.”