All posts by Inner Loop Blog

Cam’s Pizza Finds Untaxed Revenue Stuffed in Crust of Pizza

Rochester, NY – Early reports indicate that the $5 million of revenue not accounted for in Cam’s Pizza LLC’s 2018 taxes may have been found.  Owner/operator Cameron Fallone claims to have found the missing cash inside the crust of a pepperoni and mushroom large pizza at their East Ave location.

Fallone explained, “look these things happen it’s a pizza place, we stuff a lot of crusts with a lot of items.”  New eyewitness reporting claiming to have seen employees deep frying unpaid invoices in batches of sweet and sour wings last week.

Inspired by the Millions of Dollars Donated to Rebuild Notre Dame, Millennial Sets Parent’s House on Fire

Rochester, NY – Nearly $1 billion dollars has been pledged to restore the Notre Dame Cathedral that was on fire earlier this week. Inspired by those figures, a local millennial has set his parent’s house on fire.

“My Dad is a big Notre Dame football fan, there was tons of Fighting Irish gear in there, give me money” read the alleged arsonists GoFundMe page. The page is currently up to $500 dollars in donations.

Told They’ll Have to Find Affordable Housing in Sanctuary City Rochester, Immigrants Stay Home

ROCHESTER, NY – Last week President Trump floated the idea to send immigrants from the border to “sanctuary cities” to exact revenge on Democratic foes and it’s working. But not to “own the libs” like he’d hoped. Instead, Immigrants are staying home after finding out Rochester NY is a potential landing spot for their family.

“We were given a pamphlet at the border about Rochester, and there is no affordable place to live at all,” said Asylum Seeker Maria Maria-Maria. “I saw they have a decent empanada stand at their public market but other than that it kind of seems like a dump.”

Several other Immigrants told The Inner Loop Blog that having to live in Rochester was the number-one deterrent to trying to get into the United States. “Honestly, I didn’t like the idea of being separated from my children and having them live in a cage, but I was still gonna try to get in. Then I found out I’d have to live in a city that experiences all four seasons in an hour and I decided to stay in my gang infested, murdery, hometown.”

“What Are These Flashing Lights?” City in Panic After Driver Actually Uses Blinker

ROCHESTER, NY – Today marks the first time in Rochester history that a driver downtown actually used their blinker to indicate that they are turning.

The driver was turning right onto East Main, turned on their blinker about a block away to warn other drivers on the road that they would be turning soon, and than made the turn at a reasonable speed after yielding to pedestrians.

“Nobody had ever seen the blinker before so they all started to panic. They thought we were under attack. It was chaos” said one on-looker.

The Mayor will be giving the anonymous driver the Rochester Nobel Prize for Not Driving Like A Piece Of Trash.

It was last awarded in 1845 to a man who successfully originally parked his Model-T in a bike lane but moved it after realizing that it was a total dick move.

Buffalo Sabres Announce Pile of Chicken Wing Bones as New Head Coach

Buffalo, NY – Less than 24 hours after firing Phil Housley, it appears that the Sabres have moved onto the only thing willing to sit behind the bench in Buffalo, a big pile of discarded Chicken Wing bones.

The pile of bones will be their sixth head coach since 2013.

Mr. Bones says he hopes to inspire the team by “lighting a fire under their ass.”

The new coach clarified to The Inner Loop Blog that he means it literally. He plans to put Hot Chicken Wing Sauce on their seats so when they sit down, their buttholes are on fire, and they skate faster.

Confused with old lady complaining over price of milk, Julian Assange offered amnesty at Wegmans

Pittsford, NY – This week the world found out that Julian Assange, the leader of WikiLeaks and man who looks like everyone’s Aunt, would be kicked out of the embassy in London where he has lived for more than six years.

In a panic, Assange reached out to every world leader he had in his contacts and Rochester’s most powerful entity, Wegmans, answered his plea.

The Pittsford Store Manager saw his message and assume it was the same old lady that constantly emailed to complain about the price of milk.

The store’s automated responds to emails states: “we are sorry for the inconvenience, we will do anything we can to help as customer service is important to us.”

Little did they know this stock phrase would put them into a binding agreement to house an enemy of the state.