ONTARIO, NY – Despite HBO’s Chernobyl being one of the highest rated television series of all time, a recent survey shows that people living near Ginna Nuclear Power Plant haven’t yet watched the series.
“We are just watching other stuff. It has nothing to do with it being a scary story about a nuke plant killing everyone nearby it. We feel really safe! It’s great living here” said a four-armed woman who lives a street over from Ginna.
“Everyone is talking about that show! It seems like a must watch” said Barry Stephens who lives just one house over from the Power Plant. “When I say everyone, I mean everyone. I can hear everything within a 50-mile radius with my third ear.
“Doctors tell me living near the reactor gave me this super listening ability. They also tell me I have maybe two good years left before my body melts into mush! Better binge it tonight!”
Rochester NY – The AHL has a new rule going into effect next season forcing all of the teams in the league to appear more like their nicknames.
The hope with the rule change is to increase fan turnout and attract a younger audience. “It’s tough with players always moving around to new teams to really root for any of them. If they have the physically alter their appearance to be on a team, we think that will add a new level of commitment to the city that will get everyone into hockey” said one local sports commentator that sounds like every other local sports commentator.
Big changes have already been made in the league. The San Jose Barracuda players are have had an oral surgeon sharpen their teeth, the San Diego Gulls have rigged up a system to drop their player’s poop from the ceiling randomly onto the ice, and the Hershey Bears are set to have three burly gay men on their starting lineup.
The Rochester Americans staff decided that to fully represent their namesake that their players had to gain enough weight to be clinically obese and rig guns on to their hockey sticks. “What we lost in speed on our skates, we make up with bullets,” said Charlie Woncay the Amerks Team Captain.
Rochester, NY – The Rochester Red Wings broadcast may have looked like there wasn’t anyone at Frontier Feild but don’t be fooled.
Last night’s game was actually another wildly successful “dress like a seat night” at the ballpark.
“No it’s real we promise. It’s not just what we tell ourselves and our players to make each other feel better! Rochester loves baseball! Sports town USA! The Rhinos are still playing too!” said the progressively crazier looking Red Wings General Manager.
Rochester, NY – Tired of waking up without diarrhea? Genesee Brewery and CoffeeMate have you covered with the new ‘Genny Cream’ for your morning cup of joe!
“It has everything you love about Genny Cream Ale. A smooth feel, a refreshing lager taste, and an ABV of 5.10%. Oh and it will make you have the Genny Screamers as well!” said brewmaster Bruce Juice.
For those who are unacquainted, the ‘Genny Screamers’ is the nickname for the side-effect of drinking Genny Cream Ale where you are forced to stay near a toilet for the next day because you will unexpectedly have to fire off a tidal wave of liquid poop with a force that can only be matched by the mighty Genesee River.
Local beer snobs are excited. “It’s not the ‘best part of waking up’ it’s more like ‘the only reason I actually get up’ you know?” said a local alcoholic who is also my stepdad.
WEBSTER, NY – “Flipper” the fish has had a rough life so far. Born just a day ago in a Walmart tank, he and all of his family members were moved into a big bag, put into the trunk of a car, and individually divided up into tiny bowls with food coloring.
Flipper was won by Little Timmy McCallisen after his Father made the mistake of thinking “there is no way this little idiot can make that pong ball into the bowl” and paying for him to play.
“As soon as that pong ball hit the water I knew it was time for me to make the choice that every Goldfish has to make. Am I going to make a go for it and live long enough to make these humans suffer? Or am I just going to die as soon as I get to their house” Flipper told The Inner Loop Blog.
While still high on the mushrooms we took before the Fireman’s Carnival we decided to talk to the other fish.
“Everyone thought the story of Nemo was messed up, but that type of shit happens to millions of us every day at these stupid carnivals,” said One-Eye a 3-year-old Goldfish that hasn’t been won yet. “I have been to every town around Rochester, living off of dye and the occasional cigarette butt that a carny drops in my bowl. How is this game still allowed? Hashtag Fish Lives Matter!”
Rochester, NY – Local Dad is frantically texting his teenage daughter while sitting outside in his car at Frontier Field.
Tony Falcon told The InnerLoop Blog that he told his daughter “to meet me right here at this time or she’d never go to Summer Jam again” but she is now a half-hour late.
We don’t like to speculate but if we had to guess but she is probably vaping black-tar heroin out of a marijuana pipe with the 98PXY morning show.
Rochester, NY – Move over Tommy Gollisano there is a new power player in town! Next month Forbes Magazine will be running a feature on Rochester’s newest multi-billionaire who made his fortune collecting cans after kickball games.
Dale Dartman fell on hard times after investing all of his money into Kodak Coin a few years ago. He lost everything. The bank took his house, his wife left him, his kids emancipated themselves, and his dog committed suicide.
At rock bottom, Mr. Dartman had turned to working the streets of Lyell Ave, selling his body for Garbage Plates. It was here that his million dollar idea was born.
“I was fighting another homeless guy for the right to give this Xerox Executive an HJ in his car. I tore open the other hobo’s garbage bag of empty cans to distract him and then it hit me! Well not immediately. I did give that other dude an HJ.”
Dartman had struck gold in the form of aluminum. He knew that the Rochester Kickball leagues had started for the season and every park in the city would be littered with beer drinkers who did not want to recycle their own cans.
After just a month of collecting cans, Dartman was able to raise enough cash to hire his own team of Can Collecting/HJ Specialists. During the Summer Season, Dale Dartman is projected to make $1 Billion in Genny Kolsch cans alone.