All posts by Shane Allen

Inner Loop Creator and Co-Host of The Gentlemen's Club on 94.1 The Zone

Shoplifters Gather for Candlelight Vigil at Greece Ridge Mall

Greece, NY – It was just announced that Rochester-area malls could be reopening their doors as early as next week and that’s simply not fast enough for local thieves.

A group of local shoplifters has gathered in the parking lot of Greece Ridge Mall to create a candlelight vigil to honor all of the clothes they’ve stolen from the Aéropostale and weird penis-related paraphernalia at Spencer’s Gifts.

“We hope that one day soon we’ll be able to get back to work ruining the days of local teenagers working parttime in these stores,” said one local bandit.

Memorial Day Grilling Causes Spike In Hot Dog Juice Eye Related Injuries

Rochester, NY – Local hospitals say they’ve seen the sharpest increase in cases of “Hot Dog Revenge” this Memorial Day.

Doctors say these injuries occur when a pop open hot dog does not pop completely on the grill. When bitten into the dog will spray liquid hot magma dog juice into people’s eyes.

“It is most likely Rochester dad’s aged 40 to 50 who are likely to suffer from this ailment. the burns are exacerbated when also coming into contact with relish juice” said one local physician.

Local Birthday Parade Turns Out To Be The Puerto Rican Festival In Disguise

Rochester, NY – With stay at home orders still in effect, Rochester festivals are having to get creative if they want to continue in 2020.

If you look carefully at the next Happy Birthday parade beeping down your street you might notice something extra special about it. It could just be the Puerto Rican Festival in hidden in plain sight.

If you see any tiny little Puerto Rican flags, hear Daddy Yankee music, or smell Mofongo, you’re probably looking at the 2020 version of one of Rochester’s biggest cultural celebrations.

Organizers say moving the festival around like this may actually be an improvement.  According to one of the festival’s leaders,”it helps to keep it from getting broken up by the police and also the Puerto Rican festival was never in just one spot ever. It was in all of our hearts.”

Rochester Americans Volunteer To Help Pro Athletes Get Used to Playing In Empty Stadiums

Rochester, NY – There is a good chance that pro sports might be played in stadiums without fans this year which would be a huge transition for most athletes used to the crowd noise.

This will however not be that big of a switch for the Rochester Americans who are used to playing to lots of empty seats. That’s why the NFL, NHL, and NBA have reached out to the Amerks to counsel their professional athletes on how to make the transition to empty crowds.

“One of the first lessons I will tell them is to tune down celebrations,” said one anonymous Amerks player. “There’s nothing more heartbreaking than doing a sick sliding guitar solo with your hockey stick only to look up and see no one giving a single f***.”

Bello Urges Citizens to Call Cops on Any Party Violating Social Distancing or Didn’t Invite Him

Rochester, NY – Monroe County Executive Adam Bello says social distancing is working to fight the spread of coronavirus locally but we can’t let up just yet. That’s why he is now asking citizens to call the police if they see any groups breaking the social distancing rules in Rochester.

Today, he doubled down on his call for police action when he comes to parties that he specifically has not been invited to.  A spokesman for the County Executive says “basically if it looks like everyone at the gathering is super cool, and they’re having a really great time, we want to make sure those get broken up fast for safety reasons and so Mr. Bello doesn’t feel left out.”

The spokesperson says this is especially pertinent for any Cinco de Mayo themed party because “Adam loves to smash a pinata.”

 

Summer Festivals Ask for “Volunteer Corpses” to Take Advantage of Mayor Warren’s Vigil Loophole

Rochester, NY – Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren allowed a 200 person vigil this week and local festivals are clamoring to jump on this new loophole.

According to the precedent set by the Mayor, large gatherings are ok again if there is mourning involved. While some are calling her actions “reckless,” local promoters are calling it an “opportunity.”

Some of the summer festivals that have been canceled have reached out to local funeral homes to offer the families of recently deceased people the option to hold their funeral during their festivities. In exchange, they will be given free Kettle Corn and Beef Jerky.

“If we can say our (cough cough) ‘flower festival’ is actually a flower vigil, we still might be able to bring Blues Traveler into town to play some ‘funeral music’ in your loved one’s honor,” said one anonymous festival organizer.

Fast Ferry Docks Next to USNS Comfort, Ready to Help Anyone With Debilitating Urge to Go to Toronto

New York, NY – The heroic healthcare workers of the USNS Comfort have some competition. Rochester’s former Fast Ferry has now docked next to the naval ship treating coronavirus patients and is promising to take on another harmful ailment.

“We’re here to offer aid to any New Yorker with a sudden urge to enjoy everything Toronto has to offer,” says the ship’s Captain Tyler Gorbuck. He also added that they’re offering some very reasonable prices for a day trip to Canada.

As far as the travel restrictions between the countries, the company only responded, “try and catch us water pigs!”