Henrietta, NY – A local attorney is cashing in on Rochester natives with a death wish who are choosing to do last-minute Thanksgiving shopping at Wegmans.
As we all know, Wegmans that day before any holiday is a hellish landscape on par with Water World or Mad Max. If you are able to walk out of there with your life, and the last can of corn, you should count your blessings.
“I just figured it would be best for people to have their affairs in order before heading into the modern-day coliseum known as Weggies,” said Roger England Attorney at Law. He is currently charging $300 for a will or $50 if you can grab him all the things he has on his grocery list.
Rochester, NY – Did you know that historians do not believe Nick Tahoe invented the Garbage Plate? They say the first instance of a “plate” actually appeared on the first Thanksgiving when one pilgrim overindulged on wine and started mixing all of the food on the table together.
“Two sides, Turkey on top, and gravy covering everything. Sound familiar?” says RIT American History professor Cynthia Nixon. “It was noted in some Native American literature that they were completely disgusted by this act until they also got drunk and needed a second Thanksgiving after the sunset.”
Dallas, TX – Josh Allen, quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, is fully aware that the fate of Thanksgiving lies in his giant, majestic, hands. Moms from all over Western NY have pledged to send him and the rest of the team 1,000 pies using their “world-famous recipes” if he could just win and not send all the males coming to Turkey Day dinner into a spiraling rage.
“We are fully aware that even if the Bills win that our husbands and fathers will still get blackout drunk, but at least that drinking will come from a happy place,” said the mom coalition in their note to Josh Allen.
“We’re down to one table in our house. Please don’t lose and force our Buffalo lovers to body slam our dining room table. It’s all we have left Josh.”
Rochester, NY – “We’re fully aware that the only way that our newspaper is going to make a comeback is if start getting into silly putty again” one D&C source told The InnerLoop Blog.
A staple of the 1950-80s, silly putty is a moldable substance that could be used to make illegal copies of newspaper images when pressed against them.
“It was a lot of fun to take a picture from the paper and make it fatter by stretching it out,” said one local boomer. “We didn’t have the internet so that was like our TikTok I guess?”
In the hopes to speed up the silly putty comeback, the Democrat & Chronicle has been bribing the National Museum of Play to put the mystery substance into their Toy Hall of Fame. “The hope is that people will want to buy the silly putty for one-dollar and pick up our paper for 50 cents. Oh my god, I just realized the news is worth less than a pile of goop. Yikes.”
Webster, NY – Local mom Britney Stewart maintains her “fun mom” status by using phrases like “Ra Cha Cha” when referring to the city of Rochester. She also likes to call garbage plates “poop poop platters” and chicken french “freedom chicken.”
She’s a real blast.
Avon, NY – It’s local guys named Brad or Clay’s favorite time of year. Deer murdering season.
Local heroes of all ages, and all shapes of white men, will spend the entirety of most weekends sitting up in a tree, covered in deer piss, listening to Joe Rogan podcasts, waiting for anything to walk by so they can shoot an arrow through its neck. Why? Well obviously it’s for “population control” and they get no pleasure out of watching the life drain from another creature’s eyes. Also, it has nothing to do with their frail masculinity and a need to prove their not gay even though wearing matching clothes and going on “retreats” in “log cabins” is 100% slang for secret gay sex.
It’s for these reasons that Travis Burksble from Avon can not believe more people haven’t liked the pics he’s posted on social media of all his kills. Clearly, he’s posting them just to let his family and friends know they can sleep easy at night knowing that there is one less Deer trying to sneak into their children’s bedroom to drop little pellet sized poops in their bed or get into their master bedroom to sleep with their wife.
He’s not posting them for clout. He’s not posting them to piss off the “librals” or “vegans.” He posts the pics of bloodied, gutted deer so everyone knows he has a big girthy penis, and he’d appreciate if you hit the like button to confirm you know that for a fact.
Rochester, NY – Henrietta native Steve McBilerton has had no issues getting to work this week since he made the conscious choice to leave his winter tires on all year.
“You just can’t trust the weather here,” says McBilerton . “I don’t want to get caught slipping and sliding like you a-holes so I just never take my snow tires off.”
McBilerton is now on his 6th set of winter tires since he started leasing the car in 2017. They get worn around mid-July and he just buys four brand new ones. He is now $4,000 in the hole and says “it’s worth every penny.”