Irondequoit, NY – While Niko Bryan was born in Irondequoet he admits he has never been able to spell it correctly without spellcheck on his devices.
“Yeah honestly I am super glad when I have to type in my address online that I get to put Rochester instead of trying to spell that mess of vowels and shit” Niko told us at the InnerLoop.
Irondequoiet derives its name from the Native tribe known as ‘Vinny-and-angello-of-irondequoita-dodge.’ A hunter-gatherer based Indian civilization that traded beaver pelts for Dodge Neons in the early 1800s.
Ironically, even though Ironedaquoit has one of the more difficult town names to spell the Erondahquout School District consistently ranks at the bottom of literacy education.
Rochester, NY – Sources say the new store will have great deals on all the foods that are shaped like weiners which we all know are the best kinds of foods.
Rochester, NY – Finally a Nightclub You Can Feel Good About! Wegmans announced today they will be moving into the nightlife business with the new “Shopper’s Club” downtown Rochester dance nightclub.
“It will be a mix of TiLt, Dubland Underground, and the Wegmans Market Café” said club promoter Wanny Degman. “We’re going to have pizza, subs, sushi, and specialty Wegmans cocktails mixed with the flavored seltzer water you all love.”
Owners say they have rigged the old self-playing pianos from the food courts to play modern dubstep and pop remixes.
Darien, NY – The waterpark at Six Flags Darien Lake had patrons running for shore after a chemical changed the water to an eery green color.
Organizers decided to add a chemical agent to the water to detect which patrons were going #1 but quickly realized there pee levels were at record highs when the entire park started to glow.
“We were standing under the barrel in Pirate’s Cove and it was like an airplane dropped a load of radioactive goo on us,” said one park attendee.
“We tried to close down the pools to get things sorted out but the people from Rochester refused to get out,” said Lifeguard Stephen Glandsburg. “They said they live near the Genesee River and sketchy water doesn’t freak them out.”
Rochester, NY – Choas took over the Seneca Park Zoo after a scheduling error put ZooBrew on an opposite day.
In accordance with opposite day law, all the humans had to be put on display in the cages, while the animals were able to roam free and drink craft beers.
“The animals really had a blast,” said marketing manager Stacy Tillgum. “The elephants got black-out drunk almost immediately and start using their tusks in inappropriate ways and the otters filled a kiddy pool with White Claw and swam around in it.”
There are also reports of a Tiger getting so wasted it got the SNow Leopard pregnant.
“Luckily all the beer made it easy to get the animals back into their cages” said another representative from the Zoo. “The difficulty was actually getting all the white people out of the enclosures. They kept on saying it was like ‘camping’ and it ‘made them feel free’ or some stupid shit.”
Rochester, NY – Water Street Music Hall is set for a comeback and the new owners are promising to bring the concert venue back to its old glory.
“We know there were problems with the liquor license before so we promise that we will not be serving underage patrons,” says one of the new owners. “I mean unless they’re really, really cool. Like Jon Hamm level cool! How could you not give a kid that is that cool a little booze!”
Other than underage drinking some other Water Street staples will return as well including awful parking and a long sketchy line. No word on whether the balcony will be open for people to smoke weed on again.
Rochester, NY – Amtrak is now allowing passengers to take free rides at midnight as long as they’re willing to go anywhere.
The destinations will not be announced until passengers have been completely boarded and unable to leave the train.
Remember to bring ID as this promotion is only available to boys who live in the city and girls who live in towns with low populations.