Rochester, NY – The world-renowned House of Guitars is finally expanding after 55 years of business. Their second location which will be called the Studio Apartment of Ukuleles hopes to appeal to a younger audience and is set for a Grand Opening next year.
“We noticed that the kids these days aren’t into electric guitars. They’re more into looking like Zooey Deschanel on Instagram and having an instrument portable enough to ruin everyone else’s day wherever they go” said one HOG manager.
The new location promises to have the same “vibes” as the flagship store with “shit everywhere” and signatures of “people that haven’t done anything” all over the walls.
South Bristol, NY – Local billionaire Tom Golisano filed a police report this morning alleging he woke up to find a scary message written in goose poop in his yard. While some people may think this would be the work of a deranged person, or a disgruntled Paychex employee, Mr. Golisano knows this is the work of the rapid goose gang that has taken over his home.
It has been well-publicized that Tom refused to pay a $90,000 school tax bill last year after the town did nothing to give him relief from this hoard of beaked Canadians. What hasn’t been noted is the mind games the Geese have been playing on the local philanthropist.
“At one point, everything you touched had poop somewhere on it. He’d go out to his car in the morning, boom, poop in the handle. He’d go to make coffee, boom, poop in the coffee pot. He’d go to kiss his wife, boom, it was a Goose dressed in drag” said Golisano’s groundskeeper Horus Stoollittle.
Mr. Golisano will get a few months of peace as the Geese are now leaving for warmer weather but he fears that after spending time in the south, the Geese will come back angrier, more racist, and will a terrifying bath salts addiction.
Rochester, NY – Rochester’s go-to party band ‘The Skycoasters’ are known for their high energy shows but their recent performance took it to a whole other level.
When the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of Rochester booked the #Coasters they expected a fun party but their fundraiser quickly took a turn when the band took the stage.
“The night was fine, people were drinking and chatting, but when the Skycoasters went on it was like a gosh darn madhouse. It was like Prince and David Bowie came back to life and started playing at this thing. Everybody got dangerously horny” said organizer Gary Collsberth.
Only three songs into their set, the Skycoasters knew they had the audience in a trance, but they decided to take it to eleven with a ‘Sweet Caroline’ cover. During the “So Good, So Good” call-and-response portion of the song, the audience started to get distracted by some faint popping sounds coming from the dancefloor.
Evidently, the power of their rocking made every woman in the audience simultaneously regrow and break their hymens. Upon further inspection from their gynecologists after the show, 95% of women in the audience that night report being pregnant.
Rochester, NY – “Leaf-Peepers” are reporting that their favorite fall activity has been ruined now after recent changes in local Trees.
After thousands of years of doing nothing but turning garbage air into that good-good, several tree species in the area have evolved to include a giant mouth. While that alone is frightening enough to look at, it appears that all the trees can do at this time is scream.
“It seems like the trees have grown tired of Rochester couples walk through their dying corpses to hold hands and take selfies. Those Autumn colors aren’t beautiful, it’s them slowly dying for the season. Now their mouths can vocalize the pain they’re going through” says arboriculturist Fred Leaflet.
The screaming goes on all day and some towns have taken matters into their own hands to stop the blood-curdling sounds. The Town Of Pittsford is catching flak from nature lovers all over the world for their giant “tree ball gag” solution.
Williamson, NY – Just in time for Fall local meth dealer Ford Skelly is now offering a Pumpkin Spice option for all of the 315 tweakers.
“With hints of cinnamon and clues that lizards live inside of the skin of politicians and they control our every move, this PSM (pumpkin spice meth) is the perfect pick’me’up to start your morning commute. It pairs well with apple fritters, pulling all of the hair out of your head individually, and never brushing your teeth” says Mr. Skelly.
The PSM will only be available for a short time before Wayne County police find the lab that’s operating out of the TOPs bathroom.
AFTER A VERY SCIENTIFIC FACEBOOK POLL WE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS THE SHIRT MOST LIKELY TO GET US FILTHY RICH.
OR CLICK THIS PICTURE OF A GARBAGE CANS
Buffalo, NY – Bills Quarterback Josh Allen suffered a brutal helmet-to-helmet hit in last Sunday’s loss to the Patriots. The Bills second-year quarterback is in the NFL’s concussion protocol and his availability for Week 5 is completely based on if he can make it through Buffalo’s rigorous Five-Step Brain Function Test.
Not much is known about these tests but luckily The Innerloop Blog was able to get a copy of the concussion protocol steps and we’ll post them here for transparency:
Step 1: The player must undergo a brain scan at a local Buffalo hospital or closest Mighty Taco
Step 2: A trainer will put a plate of chicken wings in front of the player and ask if they’d like a side of Ranch or Bleu Cheese. If they say Ranch, they must start the test over.
Step 3: Buffalo players must be able to throw a dildo 100 yards and hit a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady in the face.
Step 4: Bills players must body slam 5 consecutive tables or 2 portable grills that are still lit.
Step 5: A certified neurologist will ask the player if they will continue to live in Buffalo after they retire. If the player says “yes” they are clearly unable to make good decisions and are still dealing with severe loss of brain function.