ROCHESTER, NY – Clippy, a new tattoo parlor in the South Wedge, has nostalgic millennials begging for an appointment. Why? Because all of their artists specialize in Wordart from early versions of Microsoft Office.

“Wordart is 2018’s biggest tattoo trend for sure!” said a local tattooed barista that looks like every other tattooed barista in Rochester who was probably named Trenton or Hunter.

Clippy gives you the full Microsoft Wordart experience with the tattoo artist spending a half-hour perfecting the size and angle of the tattoo just like it’s the title page of a middle school writing assignment. Clippy also takes thing a step further.

All tattoos are applied using a sharpened paper clip.

“We named our shop after Clippy, that drunk looking paperclip dude that would pop-up and give you writing advice, and we decided to do our work with paperclips too!” said owner Gage Cannon. “Every once in a while, if we see your in pain during a session, we will get in your face and say ‘It seems you are taking this tat like a little baby… How can I help!”

Rochester, NY – Greg Torrgocan of Penfield was arrested at lunchtime today at Bill Grey’s after employees caught him filling a cup designated for water with soda.

“If you look on the soda fountain it clearly states that you can not use the water cups for soda,” said Bill Grey’s Manager Sherly Borgen. “Not a lot of people read the fine print that it’s something we take very seriously.”

Mr. Torrgocan will be moved to a maximum security prison later this week for his thievery. Judge Don Farrsbeard who was assigned to the case told TheInnerLoopBlog.com that he is “throwing the book at this sick bastard.”

“Anyone that can look a 16-year-old part-time employee in the face, ask them for a water cup, and be so depraved to than fill said cup with a delicious coca-cola is a true psychopath on the level of Bundy, Dahmer, and Bannon.”

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Department hit the DWI arrest jackpot after moving their sobriety checkpoints to the end of Taco Bell Drivethru lines around the city.

It has only been in effect for one weekend and already they have arrested half of the entire RIT student body.

“Honestly I am surprised we never thought of it before!” said Rochester Police Officer Tom Jordan.

Rochester, NY – Billionaire Tom Golisano and his family are bracing for yet another week of air strikes from local Geese. The Goose squadron is loading up on oatmeal, black beans, and fiber supplements to deliver the maximum payload to the yard of Mr. Golisano’s Canandaigua Lake Summer Home..

The chemical warfare has run rampant on the Paychex owner’s yard for years only stopping during the winter months when the unruly fowl fleet of feathered Canadians retreats to Florida to load up with munitions for the warmer months.

Last fall, Mr. Golisano threw himself at the feet of local legislators to please save him from the torment and withheld his $90,000 in property taxes.

This year Mr. Golisano worked all night on a giant paper machete recreation of the goose leader Tiberius Goose Cannon to show Canandaigua leadership what he’s dealing with. Originally the panel thought it was strange that Tom brought in a goose to the meeting as if they’d never seen one before but allowed Mr. Golisano to make his plea all the same.

All Mr. Golisano wants is to do is lower the assessment on his property so he can reappropriate those funds to hire a group of the Geese’s natural predators to fight off the invasion.

The ragtag group of assassins he has in mind is made up of a wolf, bear, and a homeless guy who got really good at catching the birds. “I learned my skills when I fell on hard times when I became addicted to both Foie gras and heroin.”

#PrayForGolisano

ROCHESTER, NY – The world is just getting back to normal after “The Great YANNI VS LAUREL Debate of 2018” but a new controversy is brewing. A picture going viral around the internet is splitting families apart. Do you see a Man Eating A Garbage Plate Sober or do you see Textbook Clinical Depression?

ROCHESTER, NY – While the world was captivated by the coverage of the Royal Wedding of Prine Harry and Meghan Markle, Rochesterians were treated to a wedding that actually matters. After years of playing outside of Rochester Sports Stadiums and Bars, Walter The Accordion Guy has finally made an honest woman of his accordion.

The ceremony took place outside of Frontier Field and was officiated by the Christian dude that usually handing out pamphlets and yelling “REPENT NOW OR HAVE YOUR SOUL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!” while you stand in line for a ticket.

Crowds were moved to tears when Walter said “I DO” and proceeded to play ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ on his new bride.

“It was super cool until they decided to consummate the marriage right there on the street,” said one Wedding onlooker. “Still better than whatever that was in England! The Duke and Duchess of Sussex and Eat Dookey and Suck-It!”

ROCHESTER, NY – Dale Frederickson from Chile decided to check out the Lilac Festival on opening day and found a parking spot only one block away from the entrance. Realizing he would never find better parking, he decided to live in his car for the duration of the Festival.

“So this spot is pristine. I don’t have to switch sides of the streets every other day and I am not near a hydrant. Sure. I haven’t seen my family in a few days and work wants to know where I have been but THIS SPOT THOUGH!”

Mr. Frederickson has been living off of free samples, giant novelty smoothies, and giant bags of kettle corn. He smells.

ROCHESTER, NY – Some rich prick named Bethany or Skylar caused a 200 person traffic jam on the walking path at Lilac Festival today.

Her Hyundai Double-Wide stroller and her crappy kids are moving slower than cheese through intestines down as they make the loop around the festival.

Instead of pulling off to the side like a decent human being, she has decided that it’s her world, and we’re living in it, so get ready to make awkward small talk at the Verizon Booth because you’re going to be stuck in front of it for awhile.

Oh cool, her kid just dropped their binky, and she ran it over with the wheels of the stroller that look like their all-terrain approved. You could pick it up and give it back to her but you know she’s not going to say thank you.

ROCHESTER, NY – The Food and Drug Administration has determined that the classic parody “TOPs never mops, look at their floor” is 100% accurate and is looking to enforce huge fines against the supermarket chain.

InnerLoopBlog.com caught up with the local hero that created the classic parody song. Jeff Greenwood, now 47, told us that he created the joke on the back of the bus on his way to 4th grade. “The slogan was everywhere. TOPS NEVER STOPS. TOPS NEVER STOPS. It was all I could hear in my head. My family could only afford PriceRite so I decided I had to take them down a peg.”

He tried several variations:

TOPS Always Flops, Like A Fat Whore
TOPS Calls The Cops, Don’t Share Your Score
TOPS Photoshops, Votes For Al Gore

But when he hit “TOPS never Mops” he knew he had something special.

“It instantly put me on the same level as the kid that created ‘Jingle Bells Batman Smells’ and it felt amazing.”

Unfortunately, Mr. Greenwood let his popularity go to his head and he soon found himself in the same spot several child stars before had hit. Rock Bottom.
By the end of Fourth Grade, Jeff was fully addicted to Horse Tranquilizers. He was kicked out of school after showing up to an Ice Cream Social completely naked other than roller blades.

“I have cleaned myself up since then and I am now doing well.” Jeff is now a manager at a TOPS Friendly Markets.

Kananga,  Republic of the Congo – An investigation of Third World Countries has confirmed that Rochester NY based Adult Kickball Teams are the overwhelming supplier of clothing for the world’s poorest nations.

“Every year, they make more shirts, and every year we get the ones they get rid of” said Mayor Gorbin sporting a 2012 Kickball League shirt from the team To F*** To Drunk.

“Why do they need new shirts every season?” continued Mayor Gorbin. “Don’t get me wrong, we were tired of wearing our ‘Atlanta Falcons Superbowl Winners’ apparel. But it just seems like a huge waste of money to make shirts for every new season of kickball?”