ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.
Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first-time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!
“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something newsworthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.
Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.
“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.
When asked who he was voting for, Tom simply said “Please just kill me. For the love of God. Also, probably Trump.”
WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”
Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.
“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).
“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”
The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”
ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.
“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”
The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.
Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.