ROCHESTER, NY – You may have heard that KISS bassist Gene Simmons will be in Rochester to promote is artisanal sodas but did you know lead singer Paul Stanley will in town at the same time?

The “Starchild” will be at the ALDI in Irondequoit to promote the KISS Starfruit. It’s a Starfruit that has been crossbred with Penicillin.

“It’s perfect for the KISS army! It has Vitamin C which helps repair and regenerates tissue and it has penicillin to help with syphilis!” said local KISS Army General Todd McGorgen.

ALBANY, NY – In an amazing upset, Samantha, the character from Sex And The City has won the New York Democratic Primary for Governor. The results have political experts reeling after Samantha ran no campaign and is not even a real person.

Instead of voting for Andrew Cuomo and Cynthia Nixon it appears that New Yorkers have instead of written in one of the most promiscuous characters in HBO history.

The Inner Loop believes these results could be attributed to a viral campaign suggesting residents write in Samantha so they could have “a cosmo in one-hand and a weiner in the other” guaranteed.

Kim Cattrall could not be reached for comment.

ROCHESTER, NY – Some Rochesterians think the Keybank Fringe Festival 2018 sponsored by Skol Vodka and brought to you by Schewps Ginger Ale may be taking things a bit too far this year with a “Full-On PURGE” event.

The festival which is scheduled to begin on September 12th is known for its bizarre acts. But this year’s main attraction is the PURGE event which promises to be just like the movie but with better dialogue and 100% less Ethan Hawke.

“We are going to lock everyone into the War Memorial and just see what happens. No cops, no doctors, no law, it should get pretty interesting” said Penny Steffenpup the organizer of the PURGE event.

If legalized rape and murder are not your things there are over 500 other performances and events scheduled for the 11-day festival.

However, The Innerloop Blog does recommend that if you plan to go to any improv shows during the festival to also purchase a PURGE ticket. You will leave those “comedy” performances knowing you’d have a better time being decapitated and defiled by necrophiliacs.

PENFIELD, NY – Move over Colin Kaepernick there’s a new spokesperson everyone’s talking about! Bill Frank of Penfield will be the new face of New Balance.

Mr. Frank told The Inner Loop he did not take the spokesperson job for the fame and fortune. “I am doing this to raise awareness about lawn care and how much my neighbor Steve keeps on cutting into my lawn like a real assclown. F*** Steve.”

ROCHESTER, NY – Last year local rock phenoms JOYWAVE debuted their album ‘Content’ in the old revolving restaurant in First Federal Plaza. But for their next CD release party, they are going even more Rochester. They will be performing the album in its entirety on top of Susan B. Anthony’s grave.

The new album’s title, release date, purpose, direction, chords, lyrics, and tabs are a tightly held secret but JOYWAVE’s roadie and notable drunkard Chad Gortenson told The Inner Loop that the Susan B. Anthony grave concert is “100% going to happen for sure.”

ROCHESTER, NY – The local Tiny-Puerto-Rican-Flag vendor was found dead in his home today buried underneath his earnings from this year’s Puerto Rican Festival. First responders estimate the pile to be nearly $2,500,000 in cash and coins.

“Clearly a Scrooge McDuck copy-cat type of accident,” said EMT Greg Porking who was first on the scene.

Juan Valdivia has been Rochester’s top distributor for Tiny-Little-Puerto-Rican-Flags market after realizing “the only thing that Rochester Puerto Ricans love more than the commonwealth itself is waving tiny little flags to show their patriotism” (a quote from Mr. Valdivia’s book “The Art of The Teeny-Tiny-Flag Deal”). While his earnings have bought him homes in Milan, Paris, and a yacht docked in Ibisa, Mr. Valdivia always returned to Rochester for his one day of work a year selling Lil-Teeny-Tiny-Flags.

Local Puerto Ricans use the flags to wave during the parade and also as car decals to let other drivers know that they’re a “Boricua” and that they will be braking randomly when they see another teeny-tiny-teensy-winsey-Puerto-Rican-Flag so they can shout things in Spanish back-and-forth.

ROCHESTER, NY – Painting-With-A-Twist (PWAT), the company that teaches art while you drink, is now attempting to reach a male audience with a new “Bro Night.”

“We tried to think of the art that guy’s already liked doing while they were drinking and we had a eureka moment when our college intern Greg came into work with dicks drawn all over his face from a party the night before,” said Clair DeLoon the manager of PWAT.

The PWAT crew throws a man only house party and the “Bro Night” officially begins when the first guy passes out.

“The PWAT crew walks you through step by step how to shade the veins on the Weiner you’re drawing on your friend’s face,” said satisfied Bro Night participant Dale Springer. “I used to be a two circles and a long-U type of doodler but now, after tonight, I really feel like a real dick artist!”

ROCHESTER, NY – Clippy, a new tattoo parlor in the South Wedge, has nostalgic millennials begging for an appointment. Why? Because all of their artists specialize in Wordart from early versions of Microsoft Office.

“Wordart is 2018’s biggest tattoo trend for sure!” said a local tattooed barista that looks like every other tattooed barista in Rochester who was probably named Trenton or Hunter.

Clippy gives you the full Microsoft Wordart experience with the tattoo artist spending a half-hour perfecting the size and angle of the tattoo just like it’s the title page of a middle school writing assignment. Clippy also takes thing a step further.

All tattoos are applied using a sharpened paper clip.

“We named our shop after Clippy, that drunk looking paperclip dude that would pop-up and give you writing advice, and we decided to do our work with paperclips too!” said owner Gage Cannon. “Every once in a while, if we see your in pain during a session, we will get in your face and say ‘It seems you are taking this tat like a little baby… How can I help!”

Rochester, NY – Greg Torrgocan of Penfield was arrested at lunchtime today at Bill Grey’s after employees caught him filling a cup designated for water with soda.

“If you look on the soda fountain it clearly states that you can not use the water cups for soda,” said Bill Grey’s Manager Sherly Borgen. “Not a lot of people read the fine print that it’s something we take very seriously.”

Mr. Torrgocan will be moved to a maximum security prison later this week for his thievery. Judge Don Farrsbeard who was assigned to the case told TheInnerLoopBlog.com that he is “throwing the book at this sick bastard.”

“Anyone that can look a 16-year-old part-time employee in the face, ask them for a water cup, and be so depraved to than fill said cup with a delicious coca-cola is a true psychopath on the level of Bundy, Dahmer, and Bannon.”

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Department hit the DWI arrest jackpot after moving their sobriety checkpoints to the end of Taco Bell Drivethru lines around the city.

It has only been in effect for one weekend and already they have arrested half of the entire RIT student body.

“Honestly I am surprised we never thought of it before!” said Rochester Police Officer Tom Jordan.