All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Coworker Who Joked About Rochester “Shorts Weather” Catches Rare Form Of Hypothermia

(Rochester, NY) After breaking a long cold spell Rochester’s biggest liars, aka Meteorologists, call for a few days of warmish weather. Although the forecast calls for temperatures that would be known in the rest of the world as “still pretty shitty” Rochestarians are excited at the possibility of seeing sunlight.

The office jokester that no one actually finds funny is ready to pull out his Winter closer of a joke. Like the groundhog, he lies in wait for warmer weather for his time to shine.

Now that his coworkers all know that a 50-degree day is around the corner, he’s ready to pounce on the opportunity to walk around the office, mention the forecast, and say “I’m thinking about breaking out my shorts!”

Obviously, there is no need to point out, this is the best joke ever written. Clearly, this original masterpiece that no one has ever used before is on the same writing level as the likes of Carlin, Pryor, and Seinfeld. It has everything. It’s topical, it’s sexy, it’s fun, and it’s not the social justice warrior crap that all the comics are doing these days.

I only make a point of letting you know how amazing this joke is because this comedy virtuoso was sent to the hospital with a rare form of hypothermia.

It turns out he wasn’t joking. He actually ‘broke out his shorts’ and after just a half-hour outside scraping ice off his car, he ended up collapsing into a snowbank.

Doctors say he has one week to live and his family told us that they will “bury him in his favorite shorts.”

ROC Girl Down To Only 5 More Scarves In Winter Strip Poker Game

(Rochester, NY) Only fifteen hours into the strip poker game in Rochester and things are heating up. After removing her winter boots, third hat, fourth pair of socks, second jacket, facemask, thermal headband, and earmuffs, the only girl that agreed to gamble their nudity, is down to just 5 more scarves before the rest of the table sees some vague hoodie cleavage.

With Monroe County living inside of a Winter Storm Warning for what seems like at least the last 7 years, any type of travel in the -15° weather has required residents to wear at least 20 layers to survive.

After 3 hours of indoor heat, things got exciting at a local house party when everyone removed one layer while regaining feeling in their limbs.

Tiffany accidentally removed all three of her gloves revealing the first glimpse of female skin that many of the men at the party had seen since all Rochester women put their cleavage into hibernation in October.

After some convincing, she agreed to play some strip poker if Tommy agreed to crank the heat of the house up at least 20 degrees.

Tommy, the horny idiot, did not think the game would take so long to remove enough layer to see anything close to PornHub. Fifteen hours into the game and it’s still EskimosMeet.org.

We reached out to RG&E to find out how much turning up his heat will cost him and they sent us this estimate:

Roughly $1 Million, 16,000 bitcoins, his first born, 80 hours of community service and all of his Kohl’s Cash

Western NY Folding Tables Brace for Bills Playoff Game AKA “The Tableholocaust”

The Folding Table community of Western NY says the Buffalo Bills first playoff game in 17 years will surely mean the deaths of several of their friends, coworkers, and even miniature folding table children.

“We haven’t been this afraid since the Great Table Purge of 1999 which you humans remember as the WWE TLC match between The Dudley and The Hardy Boyz. We lost so many great Tables that day” said Table McTableface while sobbing.

It is no secret that Buffalo Bills fans hate two things, the New England Patriots, and Folding Tables. “Every Sunday at New Era Field our family members are used to support kegs and trays of wings and than are violently sacrificed” McTableface recounts with terror in her eyes.

“I watched in horror last week as a young table, maybe only 3 months old, had it’s spine broken by a man elbow dropping the poor child after jumping from the roof of his automobile.”

The folding table community plans to reach out to the local Beer Can Tribe to form an alliance against the Bills Mafia since this once proud race of aluminum cans are also continuously assaulted at Bills tailgates as well.

“A man stabbed my brother in his groin, popped his top, and proceeded to suck the life out of him in less than 2 seconds. I believe you monsters call this process ‘Shotgunning’ and it’s actually the quickest death we can hope for” says Blue Light Can #12081429087.  “Sometimes I see perfectly healthy cans being crushed against forheads until they explode. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HUMANS!”

Winter Porn Warning Issued to Rochester Roomates

After hearing that Monroe County was issued a Winter Storm Warning that will last until Wednesday night, Rochester’s worst roommates gave out a warning of their own: They’ll be on PornHub until the storm passes. DON’T COME IN MY ROOM.

They plan on taking a few breaks to stretch and get some electrolytes but don’t plan to stream anything in HD over the next few days because they’ll be using up the Wi-Fi on watching porn shot in warmer climates.

Rochester Rhinos Allowing Trophy Hunting Of Players In Last Ditch Fundraising Effort

(Nov 30th, 2017 – Rochester, NY)

Today is the deadline for the Rochester Rhinos to reach the $1.3 Million they need to continue playing European Grass Hockey and the owners are trying everything to allow get them money.

“We got the idea from President Trump’s awful sons and their bloodlust against everything that breathes, crawls, walks, or flys in Africa” said Future Former Rhino’s owners.

The fundraising idea that is catching a lot of heat from Rochester Police and Human Right’s Advocates would force the Rochester Rhino’s starting lineup to be released in Highland Park and hunted for sport by the top donor.

“For the low price of $1.3 million dollars I can check hunting the most dangerous game off my bucket list? Count me in” said that dude that shot Cecil The Lion. He is currently in a bidding war with the Zoo Keeper from Cincinnati that shot Harambe.

We asked the Soccer players for comments but they were busy faking injuries to answer our questions.

Medley Centre Owner Announces Plan For Future: “Two words: Sarlacc Pit”

Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”

At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center.

“It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”

The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”

“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!”

We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note:

Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even

a giant Star Wars sand butt-hole with teeth.

RIT Trying To Collect $100,000 In Student Loans From Bear Trapped In Tree

Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.

In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.

But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.

“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”

“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.

The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.

Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.

RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.

Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.

Pokémon GO Player Finally Catches “Feelings” At Sea Breeze Pier

Rochester, NY-The Sea Breeze pier has been a hotbed of Pokémon GO activity since the game was released in July 2016.  Adults from all around Rochester camp out near the draw bridge to use their phone to catch a pocket monsters and distract them from their pending deaths.

 

Scott Tilthert of Irondequoit is one of Rochester’s top Pokémon GO players fighting for Team Valor. “I currently am the leader at more than 10 gyms in the Greater Rochester area” said Scott after nobody asked him any questions. “But the toughest challenge I have faced was here at the Sea Breeze pier battling for the heart of Misty.”

 

Misty is the nickname given to redheaded Websterian Clair Deloon, another frequenter of the pier. “I started playing ironically but then got hooked. Also, I know everywhere else I am maybe a 6 but around these Pokemon GO people I feel like a 10” said Clair. “I don’t think a lot of these guys have seen a boob.”

Scott admitted to falling in love with Clair at first sight, and Clair admitted to noticing Scott starring at her with his mouth open. “Honestly the only reason I started talking to him was because my phone battery was running low and he had like 18 portable chargers” said Clair.

“Just like any strong Pokémon it took several raspberries and patients to finally catch her” Scott told The inner loop. “After weeks of asking her if she wanted anything from Bill Grey’s, she finally gave in and asked for a cup of water. Finally, our first date!”
When we told this to Ms. Deloon she said: “Oh god. Did he tell you we’re going on a date? I was just trying to be polite. Great. I am going to have to quit this game now. This is exactly what happened at the Magic The Gathering Tournaments at Village Gate!”