All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Greece Man Taking Full Advantage of Facebook Invites To: “Stay At My Place If You Don’t Have Power”

Significant portions of the town of Greece were hit hard by Great Wind Storm of 2017 leaving people without power and heat, roads blocked by trees and power lines, and forcing a State of Emergency.

Several people took to social media to offer their homes as safe-havens to family and friends that were living in harsh conditions. Johnny Freedbley was one of those people posting on his facebook page: “If you need a place to stay come on over to my house. I have heat, WiFi, food, and plenty of blankets!”

“Well I was just trying to be nice” Mr. Freedbley told The Inner Loop. “Honestly I was hoping a hot chick would take me up on this but instead it was just Todd.”

The Todd he is talking about is his High School acquaintance Todd Gerkin. “We never really hung out in high school, or college, or any time really, but my power went out and I needed a place to hang. I saw his message on Facebook and I was like sick, this dude has a decent spread, let me get in there.”

Todd has made himself at home according to Johnny. “He doesn’t have a job, he just is in my house all day now. He has ate most of my food, he drank all my beer the first night he crashed. I don’t know what to do!”

The Inner Loop did some investigating on the RG&E website after learning Todd’s address. There is no record of him losing power.

 

RGH Maternity Ward Hiring Basically Anyone Prepping For Baby Boom 9 Months From Now

 

First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.

 

“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”

 

One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”

 

“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”

Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”

Rochester Man Wears Parka, Rain Boots, and Speedo Everywhere While Mother Nature “Figures Her Stuff Out”

“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”

Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”

Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.

STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:

I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a

taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think

  1. Really? The “Grab Her By The Pussy” Guy? That’s who you want in charge? Cool. Well hope you don’t mind Tsunami Blizzards or f***ing Sharknados. Mother Nature. OUT!

 

Danny Wegman Leaves Wife For 7″ Hot Ham, Capocollo, Salami Sub

“My ex-wife may be upset but I never hid that this beauty was my real favorite,” said the newly remarried Danny Wegmans.

The regional supermarket owner shocked Western New York this week by divorcing his wife for a cold sandwich made by one of the 16 year-olds who works at his store.

“Honestly, I’m liberal, and I really have no idea how to come down on this one,” said Clark the Wegmans Sandwich Artist who crafted Danny’s new wife. Adding that he felt uncomfortable when Danny told him to “hold the mayo because I will be adding my own!”

The Inner Loop had exclusive access to the marriage ceremony and this reporter can honestly say it was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. I will never forget Danny’s vows when he said:

7″ Hot Ham, Capocollo, Salami Sub. My Darling. Many people say that you are nothing more than a Seeded Roll made of Enriched Flour, Water, Yeast, containing 2% or less of Wheat Gluten, Whole Eggs, Salt, Vegetable Oil, Dextrose, Emulsifiers Malted Barley  Flour, Soy Flour, Corn Grits, Sugar, Citric Acid, and Sesame Seeds. With Hot Ham coated with: Water, Paprika, Sugar, Spices, Spice and cured with Water, Dextrose which contains 2% or less of Salt, Modified Cornstarch, Sugar, Sodium Phosphate, and Flavorings. Some people even say that you’re just Capocollo made of Boneless Pork Shoulder Butt coated with Paprika and cured with Water, Salt, Sugar, Sodium Phosphate, Spices, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, and Natural Spice Extractives.  Other people say your Genoa Salami is nothing but Pork, Salt, Sugar, Wine, Spices, Flavorings, Sodium Erythorbate, Lactic Acid Starter Culture, Sodium Nitrate, BHA, BHT, citric acid. Hell, they even say you have nothing going for you but your Tomatoes, Provolone Cheese made of Pasteurized Milk, Cheese Culture, Enzymes, with Organic Red and Green Leaf Lettuce and that you may contain Mayonnaise and Mustard. BUT BABY THOSE ARE JUST YOUR INGREDIENTS! YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE TO ME!

No word from Danny’s now ex-wife but based on the settlement, The Inner Loop is predicting her “favorite sandwich” will be made of some serious bread. (Bread is slang for money which was used by rappers in the early 90s. We are not sure if this is still in the popular vernacular. We apologize if this offended anyone.)

Rochester’s Longest Voting Line Turns Out to Be People Still Waiting for Lilac Fest Kettle Corn

ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.

Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first-time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!

“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something newsworthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.

Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.

“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.

When asked who he was voting for, Tom simply said “Please just kill me. For the love of God. Also, probably Trump.”

Conservationist Leatherface Quits Haunted Hayride Citing Chainsaw CO2 Emissions

WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”

Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.

Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).

“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”

The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”

“Abby Wambach Driving Experience” Surprise Hit at This Years Fringe Festival

ROCHESTER, NY-Move over ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ and say hello to ‘BAC like Wambach.’ The surprise hit at this year’s Fringe Fest let’s you step into the driving shoes of hometown hero Abby Wambach.

“It seemed like a really dumb idea” said Clark Peterson the creator of the Fringe event. “I submitted the idea thinking it would get turned down, but it is true what they say, Fringe will accept anything.”

The Fringe show takes place Peterson’s Parents Basement around 11pm when they fall asleep. After drinking to the point you can’t feel your face, in honor of the amount of head-in goals Wambach scored in her career, you put on Virtual Reality goggles and try to drive down the same Portland streets Wambach did when she was arrested for DUI in April of 2016.

Tickets include a ride home from Peterson’s parents if you can wake them up politely.