All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Winter Porn Warning Issued to Rochester Roomates

After hearing that Monroe County was issued a Winter Storm Warning that will last until Wednesday night, Rochester’s worst roommates gave out a warning of their own: They’ll be on PornHub until the storm passes. DON’T COME IN MY ROOM.

They plan on taking a few breaks to stretch and get some electrolytes but don’t plan to stream anything in HD over the next few days because they’ll be using up the Wi-Fi on watching porn shot in warmer climates.

Rochester Rhinos Allowing Trophy Hunting Of Players In Last Ditch Fundraising Effort

(Nov 30th, 2017 – Rochester, NY)

Today is the deadline for the Rochester Rhinos to reach the $1.3 Million they need to continue playing European Grass Hockey and the owners are trying everything to allow get them money.

“We got the idea from President Trump’s awful sons and their bloodlust against everything that breathes, crawls, walks, or flys in Africa” said Future Former Rhino’s owners.

The fundraising idea that is catching a lot of heat from Rochester Police and Human Right’s Advocates would force the Rochester Rhino’s starting lineup to be released in Highland Park and hunted for sport by the top donor.

“For the low price of $1.3 million dollars I can check hunting the most dangerous game off my bucket list? Count me in” said that dude that shot Cecil The Lion. He is currently in a bidding war with the Zoo Keeper from Cincinnati that shot Harambe.

We asked the Soccer players for comments but they were busy faking injuries to answer our questions.

Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”