Rochester, NY – Area resident and recent RIT graduate Ivy Rosemont can’t wait to join the workforce after 4 years in the widely respected photography program at the school.

“I love using old fashioned development techniques for film, but obviously I work with digital media all the time too.” Said Ivy, who begins her career at longtime local favorite coffee slingers Java’s on Saturday. “My latte art isn’t all that strong, RIT didn’t offer many classes in that, but they’re willing to work with me and I’m excited to learn!”

Ivy’s soon to be manager, Deke Handelman, who also plays in a Rusted Root cover band, said that working in a coffee shop like Java’s is a great way to earn a living and pay back ones student loans. “Honestly, accounting for a fifteen cent raise every six years, her loans should be more or less paid off by 2091.”

When asked if she’d be living the East End neighborhood that Java’s resides in, Ms. Rosemount laughed “Oh f*** no I’m moving back home! Do I look rich to you? Can you read?”

And while she couldn’t find work that directly put her degree to use, she expects plenty of opportunities to use her skill set. “I’m sure they’ll want like pictures of drinks and stuff, and maybe they’ll want me to run their social media for free?”

ROCHESTER – Since you can’t seem to handle your ignorant-ass uncle Jim, the Rochester Red Wings have announced “Straight Pride Every Other Night”, after he complained about them announcing “Pride Night” in July to celebrate the area’s LGBTQIA community.

The Rochester Red Wings, Monroe County’s favorite minor league team, has affinity nights for all types of causes and groups of people, including Kids Night, Deaf Culture Night, Women in Sports Night, Olympic/Paralympic Athletes night, Batman Night, and even a Sesame Street night, even though their Mac the Garbage Plate Mascot looks NOTHING like any other garbage-based fictional character. But your dumb f*** uncle Jim had to whine about there not being a “straight pride” night Frontier Field.

He claimed it was because he believes in “equality”, yet he cannot tell you or the Red Wings staff when in the history of the world old straight men were legally oppressed, erased, and ostracized by a treacherous queerocracy. He was never put into a gay conversion camp or forcibly sterilized to prevent him from acting on his “straight urges”. He was never kicked out of his house as a kid for bringing home a girlfriend. He was never chased and beaten within an inch of his life by a gang of transwomen. But since you won’t tell Uncle Jim to shut up or at least smash his AOL CD so he can’t get online, the Red Wings took matters into their own hands and indicated that “Straight Pride Every Other Night” will be in effect for the 69 other games they have this season.

You could have told him not to worry, since the organizers of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and Park Ave Fest promised that their Straight Pride weekends are still on the schedule. I hope your dumb ass uncle Jim is happy now. At least until he finds out about Black History Month.

ROCHESTER – Three suspects and one agent are dead after a shootout at the scene of a botched meth sting, when undercover Drug Enforcement Agency Kaplan Jeffers made the mistake of pronouncing the town “Chili” the way the rest of the goddamn country does.

“It was a bloodbath. I heard him say it through the wire, and then we heard nothing but screaming and gunfire “, said Supervisor Jackson, Agent Jeffers’ supervisor. “We had been over this for months. Why? Why did he have to slip up and pronounce things like a normal person at the drop?”

Agent Jeffers fortunately survived the chaos, but with a few serious injuries. He expressed remorse over his mistake: “Three years of dismantling a local cartel, down the drain. I had practiced the local lingo every day since on the case, and I messed up at the most clutch time. I even properly pronounced Greece the way everyone here does: ‘Rotting Dumpster Fire’!”

An investigation will be launched regarding the botched sting. Said Agent Jackson: “This is not the first time he’s messed up something by pronouncing it like a sane human being. His backstory was that he’s from Pulaski, NY, which they pronounce ‘poo-LASS-sky’, but he pronounced it ‘Pulaski”, like the rest of the goddamn civilized world, including the f***ing Revolutionary soldier after which the town was named, and all of cock-slapping POLAND. And he keeps mispronouncing my first name.”

Supervisor Jackson ensured that his first name is quite simple to pronounce: “DEE-kuh-Moonch”, which he appropriately spells, “Dickmunch”.

Greece, NY. – In a combined effort to increase mobile sales and decrease quality of life in Western New York, the administration staff at Greece Ridge Mall has agreed to halt all mall property and retail rights to the upcoming cellular market distributor MetroPCS.

The mall stores will be closed and all employee staff will be released with inalienable rights. Any store personnel that was being held prisoner by mall security will have both their handcuffs freed and contracts for employment nullified. Some store management and keyholders haven’t left the plaza grounds since early 2014, 5 years after being sucked into the “College Alternative Career Style” or “I won’t shoplift where I work” lifestyles provided by the mall.

The agreement details concluded in a lucrative outcome for the mall employees including an Individual Freedoms Clause. Due to this agreement, all prisoners and staff that have been chained to the mall stores will be released.

Rochester, NY – The Rochester Public Market is in disarray after a post-Cinco de Mayo Cilantro shortage leads to a riot and subsequent looting at the most recent Food Truck Rodeo event. A large number of businesses were impacted by the shortage, including several trucks and a nearby cocktail bar. When asked if the cocktail bar was putting Cilantro in drinks, a passerby simply rolled his eyes and nodded.

The fighting was compared by eyewitnesses to the Purge series of films, specifically the second and fourth films in the series because I haven’t seen the other two. While there was only one death, a man who was executed for suggesting Basil as an alternative to the violence, a few food trucks were tipped over by the rioting mobs, as were several Port-O-Pottys that had been housing market goers hiding from the chaos.

Richard Nixon themed Country Western cover band “The Whiskey Dicks” said that most of their equipment was destroyed, lead signer William B Saxy doesn’t know if they’ll play at the Public Market anymore, “Yeah it’s just not worth it, and all that really leaves us for gigs is retirement parties for cops. It’s a sad state of affairs, all over something that tastes like soap.”

It is unknown if the Food Truck Rodeo will resume in the coming weeks, or if the greater Rochester area should anticipate the fallout from the Cilantro shortage. In the meantime, market-goers are encouraged to wear protective armor, such as padding from sports like football and baseball only modified to look more bad ass, and carry baseball bats and such like in the film The Warriors. At least from what I remember, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen it.

Rochester, NY- This Mothers Day a local eatery known for it’s luxurious take on a hamburger will take one or two steps further with a patty made from pregnant cows. The executive chef came up with the idea when he was catching up on Game of Thrones in time for the final season at the insistance of his family and friends, and caught the “Red Wedding” episode. A particularly gruesome moment in one of the shows most memorable moments drove him to inspiration.

“It’s really hard to keep up with anything in life when you’re working every day trying to keep a restaurant going, and people seriously give you shit about not keeping up with a TV show. It’s ridiculous.” Said Chef Ben Hawkey, who’s creative take on classic dishes has driven the restaurant to commercial success, as well as critical acclaim. “Like it’s a good TV show and everything, but I have a lot going on, I had a kid last year for cryin’ out loud. Don’t tell that to my sister though, she won’t leave me alone about the Dragon Lady and The Other Guy or whatever. I finally sat down and watched it just to get her to shut the fuck up about it.”

The burger will only be avaible as part of a Prix Fixe menu that will include a salad course and local fingerling potatoes. Reservations must be made in advance as the special is expected to sell out.

When a PETA spokesperson reached out to comment that slaughter of pregnant cows actually happens more often than one might think the spokesperson was reminded that no one listens to PETA.

Buffalo, NY- In what many are calling a move that is long overdue, the Buffalo Bills will remove former star running back OJ Simpson’s name from New Era Field’s Wall Of Fame. Simpson, known as the “Juice” during his playing days, will be replaced by famous serial killer Arthur Shawcross, who was known as “The Genesee River Killer.”

Bills fans are excited about the change, Rochester resident Cal Roberts told us “This is great! In ’92 they added the Twelth Man, now they’re adding a Flower City guy!”

“It just makes sense,” said Buffalo bartender Grant “Sketch” Polanski. “OJ killed like what, two people that we know about? Arty put up double digits and he wasn’t in nearly half the shape Juice was.”

Bills brass said the move could happen as soon as next week, but there is some debate as to what number to assign Shawcross. Eleven would be appropriate as it would match his number of kills, but it’s considered unlucky as it was Scott Norwood’s number. Double Zero’s is another option but it’s unlikely that Mascot Billy Buffalo would give up his number without compensation.

Rochester, NY- A new Megaplex that’s opening downtown will serve a large cross-section of the community and bring employment opportunities, but not everyone is excited about the new project.

The building will include a vape shop, a pawn shop where you can sell your neighbor’s laptop, an abandoned porn theater, and a bar that constantly has fistfights out front. While many people are excited for the chance to get all their sad business done in one stop, Monroe Ave business owners say this will produce unfriendly competition.

“Sure, there are seventeen stores where you can buy CBD within a one mile stretch of Monroe, but as soon as there’s somewhere corporate to buy fake weed, it’s over for all of us!” Said Randy “Cloudman” Rettle, owner of an area Vape Lounge, who also asked that we refer to his bongs as “water pipes.”

Area residents are also worried, Jeff Wilse, who lives on the Avenue, wondered “If we lose the old porn theater which building am I supposed to pee on and scream at late at night?”

Future plans for the complex include several stores that sell weird gifts that no one really uses or would necessarily even want, which could impact the retail-driven businesses on Monroe and in the neighboring Park Avenue area. When asked if his business would be affected, a pawn shop owner asked us to stop writing things down and leave immediately, and it was kinda scary, you guys.

Rochester, NY – Following a protest by local Food Truck advocacy groups, the Food Truck Rodeo at the Public Market has been canceled.

The trucks will be relocated to a sanctuary that caters to retired rodeo trucks and recreational vehicles. “They’ll be able to run, play, serve tacos and French fries. Everything they love to do. Their grease traps will be emptied every day, and they’ll be fed long lines of drunk people every night at 2am” said Chance Phillips, a specialist in large and other vehicles at the East End Garage.

The rodeo will be replaced by a family friendly Hunger Games themed event where children will hunt down and murder each other for sport. 

Rochester, NY – Construction has begun on a building that will house luxury lofts and condominiums that cater to Rochester’s Gothic community. Located in the heart of Mt. Hope Cemetery, the spaces, while small, will feature amenities such as an utter lack of windows, a special corner for brooding, and mirrors that are so old and dirty the only thing you could possibly see in them is a ghost. Interest in the lofts has been strong. Gus Milde, bassist in the Evanescence cover band- Evanadjacent, described them as “basically a coffin with roof access, I love it!”

There will be four storefronts downstairs, which will house a coffee shop, a nightclub that’s open like 3 hours a week, and an escape room. The fourth storefront will remain empty as a symbol of so many hearts that are left to wither unfulfilled, unloveable and difficult to understand. It may also remain empty due to a lack of interest.

The units will be priced at between $2600-$4500 a month, and construction is slated to be finished when the moon is dark, dark red. Red like blood that is old, dried, and forgotten.