All posts by SamLiButti

Sam LiButti is a stand up comedian born and raised in Rochester, Ny who has since successfully escaped to San Francisco, CA.

ALDI’s hosts alternative to Top’s St. Paddy’s Parade where you have to bag your own parade floats

ROCHESTER, NY – In response to Tops hosting the annual St Patrick’s Day parade. Discount grocery chain Aldi’s has announced their own parade down the street.

“It’s basically just as good, almost all the same stuff as the other parade, except you have to bag your own parade floats.” Said Aldiman Grocerson, the CEO of Aldi’s

Parade goers can use a reusable bag for only 2.99, or use random boxes they find littered around to try and box the float if you’re on a budget.

Tickets to the event are $10 cash, EBT is also accepted.

Man Complaining About Reuben At Wegmans Deli Turns Out To Be Bernie Sanders Announcing 2020 Run

ROCHESTER, NY – Local shoppers were shocked to find out that the old man yelling about “too many toothpicks” in his Reuben at the Wegmans deli on East Ave was actually Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders officially announcing his presidential run for 2020.

Sanders was heard loudly proclaiming his intent to eliminate the “1% milk” and seize means of the produce section for the people.

He also expressed anger that there was no “medium soup”

“It’s either a cup or a bowl, sometimes I want more than a cup but not a full bowl, this needs to be rectified” said Sanders who asked for his sandwich to be cut into 35ths so that it could be shared amongst all of the workers.

Statue of Post Malone torn down in retaliation for Frederick Douglass incident

ROCHESTER, NY – After two drunk college students tore down and stole a statue of the prominent historical African-American figure Fredrick Douglass, the community has retaliated by tearing down a statue of prominent white f***boy leader Post Malone.

“This is a great injustice, Posty has done more for progressing the agenda of shotgunning natty ice and looking grody as f*** than anyone else. His contributions to the 20 year old college f*** boy community cannot be understated” said St John Fisher Sophmore Chad Chadson, right before he ran across the street to tell a women she should “smile more”

The men who tore down the Post Malone statue are being charged with terrorism and will be set to death, due to the fact that they weren’t underage drinking while white when the incident occurred, thus giving them no excuse.

“Sadly our hands are tied, the law is the law, you can’t just go around committing these kinds of crimes while being so brazenly not white, and not expect consequences.” Said the Chief of Police who kept telling us he has “tons of black friends, honestly” despite us not asking.

Man dressed as Dracula greatly overestimated positive response he thought he’d receive at Vertex Goth Club

“I thought these people were into vampires? Why all the dirty looks?” cried Scott Morris, 36 of Pittsford, NY. As he waved his cape around rapidly, defeatedly muttering “bleh, bleh!” to himself in an attempt to impress other patrons at the goth nightclub Vertex.

Many of the club goers scoffed and shot judging glares while Scott persisted, as he made several failed attempts to incorporate his cape into what some could describe as “dancing”

“I really thought this would be a hit, I spent $75 on this costume, and the shop said no returns, so I feel like the only thing I can do is just keep coming here, do he think they just don’t get it? Like maybe they don’t realize I’m a Dracula?” said Morris, confoundedly thinking being “a Dracula” was a thing.

Time will tell whether or not the local man’s attempt to become a new member of the scene at Vertex will be successful or not, although the last interaction he had during the night does seem to give us an indication.

“I vant to drink your bud! haha, hi I’m Scott.” he said, to a women at the bar drinking a Budweiser.

He was promptly removed from the bar as literally everyone hoisted him up over their heads and carried him to his vehicle.

Man Contemplates which Corn Dog Hut at Lilac Fest Will Give him the Most Diarrhea for his Money.

“I only get one chance a year, I can’t blow it”

Said Herman Wilsley, a 55 year old Rochester native and once a year corn dog enthusiast.

For Wilsley the annual Lilac Fest isn’t about the flowers or the festivities. It’s about one thing. Corn Dogs.

“I don’t even really like them honestly, but I feel this duty to have one every year, and with so many options, it’s a tough call each year to figure out which establishment can offer him the best deal on a deep fried hot dog on a stick that will almost definitely cause him digestion problems for days after consumption.

“I am a purist, no cheating. Sure I could go for the bacon and cheese filled corn dog and shit my brains out for months, but any schmuck could do that. If it’s not just corn and dog, it ain’t a corn dog baby.”

He said as he smugly took a sip of his 12 dollar coors light.

We were not able to locate Herman later in the day to get a final answer on who he chose, the last time he was seen he was mumbling about mustard as he headed towards the stage, where a band was playing the same Dave Mathews song for the 4th time in a row to resounding applause.

Hotel Cadillac Shuts Down Leaving Thousands of Bed Bugs Homeless

The homelessness problem in Rochester has been a long standing issue for the city, an issue that has been made far worse by the announcement that Hotel Cadillac will be shutting down, leaving an estimated 12,000 bed bugs homeless.

The Hotel Cadillac and its harem of beloved bed bugs have been a Rochester staple for years, but as they say, all good, really itchy things must come to an end eventually.

“I have many fond memories of the Hotel Cadillac, and the subsequent infestation of bed bugs that would plague me for months after staying there. It’s sad to see it go.” Said a man who referred to himself only as “Heroin Bob” and offered our reporters a “tug off behind the dumpster for 6 bucks”

(A review of said tug off will be featured in next months “Travel Tips: Where to Find the Best and Worst Dumpster Tug Jobs in Rochester)

Citizens are calling for politicians to do something about this issue.

The head of the Association of Activists for the Homeless and also Bed Bugs for Some Reason (AAHBBSR) had this to say

“We can’t just leave them on the street to die, after all they’ve done for the city? Who amongst us can say that we have not been touched by these beloved creatures? I know I personally had one burrow into my anus, which was an unpleasant yet welcome surprise.”

No word yet on where the bed bugs may be relocated. Many have suggested either funneling them into the 490 hotel or just putting them in Steve’s House.

“Because f*** Steve.”

5 ways Having Macaulay Culkin Scream at your Nephew is Good for your Skin

Say adios to those old moisturizers, the hottest new skin care trend for this Spring is having troubled former child star Macaulay Culkin loudly scream into the face of your youngest nephew. Here are the top 5 reasons why this is the latest craze in skin care.

  1. The sound vibrations that reverberate off of the walls of your studio apartment as the once adorable star of Home Alone strikes fear into the heart of your small cherub like nephew will shake off all of that gross dead skin right off of your face, leaving nothing but a soft healthy layer of gentle to the touch skin. Wow!
  2. Watching the innocence be taken away from your poor little nephew right in front of your very eyes while Mac rips his soul apart with his terrifying screams should be enough to move you to tears as your nephew looks to you for help, but you know there is nothing you can do. Your tears are FULL of natural lubricating substances that will leave you with a healthy glow. Neato!
  3. After about 3 hours of nonstop wailing from Culkin you will be left feeling empty inside, the horrified look on your face will be now replaced with a vacant glazed over stare as you have now accepted that there may never be an end to the screams. This will help reduce those pesky “smile” lines on your face, as you will have by now lost the ability to feel joy. No more wrinkles for you! Huzzah!
  4. Please send help, he will not leave, I have forgotten what it is like to hear silence. There are only screams. There is only Macaulay. My nephew hasn’t moved in days. My skin looks amazing.
  5. Once you’ve accepted your fate and your new life as an empty shell of what once was a vibrant human with emotions and feeling that has been replaced with simple a body experiencing nothing but the sounds of what you know feel to be the wails of hell incarnate, you will no longer even care about what your skin looks like. You no longer associate yourself with your body or your skin. There is no you, there is no nephew, there is only Culkin. There is no escape. There is no hope. Just screams, the sound of bees buzzing as My Girl plays on infinite loop in the background. His glasses. He needs his glasses.

There you have it! Feel free to share this hip new trend with all your friends so you can all enjoy the Culkin treatment together.

Americans once again prepare to pretend to care about Shaun White

With the Winter Olympics underway, people across the nation are preparing to carry on the tradition of pretending to give a shit that Shaun White exists.

“He seems like a pretty “chill dude” and he definitely gets some sweet “grindage” on the “snow” but I swear he only manifests physically once every four years and then after the Winter Olympics he transcends back into whatever state of existence Mountain Dew comes from.” Said a man watching the Men’s Parallel Giant Slalom event, which apparently is a real thing and not the result of throwing a sack full of scrabble pieces down the stairs and seeing what comes out.

“He’s a national hero though, so I gotta support our guy”

When asked what event he was most excited to see White perform in a the man responded

“I’ve honestly forgot if he does the board one or the one with the two fire pokers, but I truly wish him the best.”

Before we could press him to elaborate the man began a USA! USA! Chant before attempting to rip off his shirt and accidentally knocking over a bowl of slightly salted peanuts on the bar.

Alcoholic dads claim getting drunk on a Tuesday is appropriating their culture

As people prepare to celebrate Mardi Gras on Tuesday, alcoholic fathers nationwide have spoken out against what they claim is cultural appropriation of their time honored tradition of getting blackout drunk on a Tuesday.

“My people have been carrying on the sacred tradition of getting shithammered on weekdays for centuries, you can’t take this from us.” Said 55 year old father of 3 Barry Goldstone as he spilled what was left of his Natty Daddy, most of which was certainly backwash on his “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” novelty t-shirt.

A rally was held by alcoholic dads in the heart of New Orleans at 5pm Tuesday to protest Mardi Gras, sadly only 3 fathers attended as the rest of the group fell asleep on the couch watching a MASH rerun and slept through the event.

Where did they get all these pictures of me crying for this Rorschach Test?

No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)

If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!