Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enjoy the delights of the Fringe Festival, local improv group Chronic Laff Infection is once again set to challenge the meaning of the word “performance” with their “show.”
“We’re really excited about this opportunity. This is the third year in a row we will be performing, and the response from the audience has always been amazing. At the end of our shows, we always get a resounding “wait, what?”
Said Tim Johnson-Johnson the leader of the group which appears to be a sinking void where humor goes to die.
The group is hoping to get some great audience suggestions for topics. Such favorites from the past include “please no” “why are the doors locked please let us leave we promise to be good” and “call the police.”
The city is buzzing over the latest technological innovation to come out of the bustling virtual reality market.
A new locally created game will finally allow gamers to experience waiting in line behind an old lady at Wegmans who is trying to use way too many coupons, but this time, in virtual space.
“It’s just as frustrating as the real thing!” Said one gamer
“I really felt like I was being mildly inconvenienced by a real person, it’s truly breathtaking how far virtual reality has come”
The last time a game like this was attempted was in 1992 for Nintendo’s failed “Virtual Boy” system, where it was impossible to distinguish whether the person was delaying the line using coupons or writing a check for $3.74, due to the limitations of the systems graphics capabilities.
Rochester, NY – A local man is being heralded as a genius after he received one free slice of capicola at the Wegmans Deli by pretending he just “wanted to try it”
“Those idiots didn’t even know what hit them,” said the man, who asked not to be named as he didn’t want the fame to get to his head, and feared being hounded by paparazzi.
“I have had capicola a number of times, I am well aware of what it tastes like, yet I pretended that I did not, in order to receive one small slice of capicola for free. I bet no one has ever thought to do that before. I see myself as a revolutionary of sorts.”
So what’s next? The man said he is currently coordinating a plan to go to various Wegmans and collect enough free slices to make himself a full sandwich.
“It might take a few months of planning to get it right, if I mess up even once, the jig is up. If I die trying, please do not make me a martyr, I’m not doing this for the fame and fortune, I’m doing it for a free sandwich, with no less than 3 types of meat.”
ROCHESTER, NY – An Eastman School of Music student found himself in a precarious situation this weekend as he was walking home carrying his tuba, and suddenly found him rushed onto one of the free music stages downtown where he was forced to hold an impromptu 2-hour performance to resounding applause.
“One of the best performances of the whole festival, simple raw and pure, yet powerful.”
Said one concert goer, who seemed to think the student was actually Dan Aykroyd, another performer who is, apparently for some reason, also performing at Jazz Fest.
40 minutes of the performance was said o just be a “jazzy rendition” of hot cross buns, played during what looked like a portion of the show in which the student was in the midst of a panic attack.
ROCHESTER, NY – A shocking discovery has been made in Western New York that has sent scientists across the nation into a frenzy questioning all that was once that to be true about the world.
It was recently discovered that every single disease, from bubonic plague to the measles, originated from the bathroom of the Bug Jar on Monroe Avenue.
“It defies all known logic, but all tests returned the same result, literally every disgusting horrible disease not only exists within the sticker-covered walls of those bathrooms, but the resting primordial stew of bodily fluids that makes up the majority of the contents of those bathrooms seem to have spawned every single known disease. It also somehow naturally created fake oxycodone pills cut with fentanyl, which we found especially peculiar.” Said local scientist David Kenner, who would no refuse to remove his hazmat suit as he spoke with us at the counter of the bar.
“I’m not shocked,” said a local crust punk who apparently doesn’t have a name.
“I went in there once to shoot some H and a week later I had hepatitis, it’s really sad they let the bathrooms get to that point, clearly their fault” he said, whilst waist deep in his own vomit in one of the stalls that he had kicked in the door to because he was “kind of in a hurry”
No word yet on what the bar plans to do about the situation, the CDC considered quarantining the area but decided against it due to the fact that no one really ever goes to, or leaves, Rochester anyway.
Rochester, NY – Following the announcement that Wegmans would be phasing out plastic bags, everyone’s favorite grocery store has announced another plan to show that they are spearheading the effort to #GoGreen.
Starting this month, Wegmans will begin to euthanize their bag boys to cut down on unnecessary waste and to lessen the number of bag boys that have been polluting landfills for years.
When asked how he felt about the new policy, current bag boy Allen Thomas said: “wait what?” He was quickly dragged away by Wegmans staff, where he was humanely euthanized. His family has been given the option to have him stuffed and mounted in their home, so that their little buddy can stay with them forever.
ROCHESTER, NY – In response to Tops hosting the annual St Patrick’s Day parade. Discount grocery chain Aldi’s has announced their own parade down the street.
“It’s basically just as good, almost all the same stuff as the other parade, except you have to bag your own parade floats.” Said Aldiman Grocerson, the CEO of Aldi’s
Parade goers can use a reusable bag for only 2.99, or use random boxes they find littered around to try and box the float if you’re on a budget.
Tickets to the event are $10 cash, EBT is also accepted.