Rochester, NY – Local Rochester Mobster charged with the killings of three people, Dominic Taddeo, escaped from prison for a period of time before eventually being captured trying desperately to order his first post-prison garbage plate.
“It was like a fly to honey, we knew where we’d find him” said the police chief, who had officers staked out at Hot’s joints across the city as soon as word got out about the escape.
The RPD is looking at filing additional charges against Taddeo for attempting to get a plate that was “all fries” with no onions on top.
ROCHESTER, NY – As Rochesterians prepare for the warm weather of spring to melt away the piles of snow littering the city Monroe County officials are suggesting that citizens take precautionary measures to combat the flooding that will ensue by suggesting that all residents lay a thick layer of potato home fries along the base of their basements to help soak up the excess water that might build up.
“As most Rochester residents know, nothing soaks up unwanted liquid like a heaping serving of home fries.”
Officials have warned against some residents who are insistent on filling their basements with half home fries and half-baked beans.
“Beans? That’s just ludicrous. I mean a nice serving of mac salad? Sure. A drizzling of ketchup and chopped onions for good measure? Of course, it can’t hurt, but we draw the line at beans and we will not be taking any more questions on the matter.”
said Mayor Evans, who we are told is looking into whether or not he can use the powers of his office to institute a state of emergency against baked bean supporters to make it legal for RPD to imprison them on sight.
A local church is outraged at a mural they say depicts two bears in the 69 sex position and have demanded that the mural be removed and replaced with a mural of two bears engaging in traditional missionary sex.
The local pastor had this to say about the infamous mural
“It is just not right! What is this country coming to? First it’s giant bear 69ing next thing you know its giant bear gay marriage. As the bible says, it’s Giant Mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Eve, not Giant mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Steve!”
Which, like the mural, is quite the mouthful.
Many in the community are outraged, claiming that two disgusting fat hairy creatures 69ing is part of the proud culture of the city of Rochester.
The painters of the mural are said to have proposed a compromise in which it will be made clear that only anal and oral penetration occurred during the 69 which would be considered religiously sanctioned under the famed poophole loophole.
Apparently the heir to the Wegman’s fortune are still not pleased with their father Danny, who has made it clear that neither she or his grandchildren are his favorite, as all of them rank substantially below a mid tier deli meat sub sandwich.
“Capicola has done more for me than those damn kids ever have and I’ll be damned if I turn my back on it” Said Danny Wegman as he sat and tried in vein to convince his lawyer to add the famed sandwich into his will as the sole beneficiary.
The kids have doused themselves in sub oil many times before in a desperate attempt to connect with the Wegmans Patriarch, but to no avail.
“He sees right through us. There is no fooling him. Say what you want about my father but he can tell the difference between his human child and a submarine sandwich 80% of the time. He’s that damn good.” Said his daughter, wiping away her tears with two loaves of ciabatta.
A local man utilized the help of a spirt medium to make direct contact with recently deceased former car salesman Billy Fuccillo this past Friday in an attempt to ascertain the best possible interest rate one could hope for for a 2012 Honda Accord.
It is said that the medium first used a Ouija board to make contact.
“I knew we had located the spirit when the board spelled out one simple word. “HYUUUUGE”” Said the medium, in between hits of her clove cigarette.
When asked if Fuccillo had any messages for his friends and family the local man told us that he did not, and that his only other message was “anything between 3-10 percent would be a pretty good deal.” while the lights in the room flickered.
“I got chills up and down my back and the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees at the mere mention of Tom. Thats when I knew that we must be in contact with the main man himself.”
The medium has requested that customers stop asking her to reach out to old local commercial personalities. 50% of her customer base has been said to try to reach out to Jim The Hammer Shapiro despite the fact that he is still very much alive.
Greece, NY – A local woman is terrified to set up her second dose of the Covid 19 vaccine out of fear that it will lead to her having to endure an even longer life within the town of Greece.
” Considering how much I smoke and drink I figured I only had 20 maybe 30 more years tops but now it looks like I might have to actually start preparing for a long and healthy lifespan, thanks a lot Pfizer!” said the woman who refused to be named for fear of being identified as someone who willingly lives in Greece, NY.
Many in the town share the same concerns over the vaccine.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’m 35 and don’t even have a 401k, I didn’t ask for this.” said a local man, who also refused to be named out of fear that his Trump supporting parents would no longer pay for his studio apartment on Dewey ave if they discovered he had been vaccinated.
The average lifespan of a Greece, NY millennial skyrocketed to over 50 for the first time in years as vaccine rates increased within the town. Some say that they might even live to see the Bills lose another Super Bowl.
Rochester, NY – This week a shocking new video showed a Rochester Police Officer pepper spraying a mother in front of her toddler. The officer is said to be the same man who in January proper sprayed a 9 year old girl.
Many have complained that the Police in Rochester haven’t been punished for their actions regarding these cases and the Daniel Prude case, but it seems as though enough is enough and the hammer of justice has finally come down upon them as all officers involved in these incidents have been issued a devastating $10k a year pay raise as well as a coupon for one free deep tissue massage to be given to them personally by the Police Chief.
“Let this be a lesson to everyone that we in Rochester won’t stand for this” said the Chief, as he appeared to be slowly jerking off one of the officers under the table.
The Police Accountability Board has investigated the officers in question and has found them “guilty of having big penises and being sexy geniuses who are good not bad”
Mayor Lovely Warren issued her own punishment as she viciously handed the officers the key to the city in an opulent ceremony.
We called the officer from this weeks incident to see if he had any comments for our article and he swiftly attempted to pepper spray us through the phone.
Rochester, NY – Local 65-year-old Bills fan John Henson has reported that after the Bills won their game this past Saturday against the Colts that he has finally been able to achieve and maintain a full erection for the first time in decades.
“I couldn’t believe it, as soon as that Hail Mary went up and I could tell that it wasn’t going to hit a colts receiver I felt something move. I almost didn’t believe it was real, but once I figured out it wasn’t just an optical illusion from my zubaz pants, I started crying,” said Henson from his hospital bed; he had admitted himself late Saturday evening after reporting an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
Doctors are studying whether or not a Bills Super Bowl win could cure erectile dysfunction for the entire Western New York area.
Violence broke out at Greece Arcadia High School as students of the school stormed the lunch room to demand that the recent hiring of a lunch lady be overturned.
The school security tried to disperse the crowd using weaponized non lethal tiny chocolate milk cartons.
“Our demands will be met! We will not sit idly by and eat the same spicy chicken sandwich every day! The time has come for turkey and gravy, as well as more of that sesame chicken that doesn’t really taste like sesame chicken! Our time is now!” Said a 16 year old who refused to be named.
The student was seen waving a flag made of the wrappers of lukewarm hamburgers.
“Wait they what? Do they think I’m the one who is in charge of deciding the lunch menu?” Said the lunch lady from her protective bunker.
The superintendent of the school has yet to speak publicly on the subject but tweeted his support for the protests by saying.
“There are very fine people on both sides of the lunch line”
The CEO of Wegmans was visited by a strange spirit late in the night who showed him visions of a perfect world where Chase Pitkins was still in business.
There were no wars, no crimes, everyone lived in relative harmony as they joined hands to purchase basic tools and tomato seeds at a bargain bin price.
Danny was moved to tears as the spirit, who bore a striking resemblance to Bob Villa, showed him how much better off the world could have been if not for the home and garden centers demise.
There is no telling what the long standing impact of this vision will be, or if it will lead to Wegman realizing the error of his ways and how he has mistreated his friends, family, and Tiny Tim Hortons.