Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that The Minnesota Twins MLB Franchise was ending its partnership with The Rochester Red Wings, who have been their Triple-A affiliate since 2003.
The news became official after Twins’ General Manager Thad Levine decided he was going to spend a day last week in Rochester visiting with the team’s management. Thad reportedly left his office in Minneapolis and took the 90-minute drive down to Rochester, MN only to discover, there was no baseball team there called The Rochester Red Wings.
Angered, Thad called his assistant General Manager and asked for an explanation. Assistant GM Rob Antony reportedly told him that the deal had been signed some 17 years ago and nobody ever thought to follow-up on it. We were able to reach Antony for comment, he told us “As God is my witness, I thought The Red Wings were in Rochester, MN.”
Red Wings owner Naomi Silver said “We thought it was odd that not a single person from the Twins ever showed up even once to check on us. Here we’d been changing our name to The Garbage Plates and doing all kinds of wacky stuff, just positive we’d eventually be told to stop by The Twins, but never a peep. Kinda makes sense, they never even knew we were here.”
GREECE, NY – Amidst the turmoil of the weekend, reports came in of the suburb of Greece falling victim to the riots, with Greece Mall being the epicenter of the chaos. A fire was raging in the Macy’s and the putrid smell of garbage and despair emanated from the space where the H&M used to be. As it turns out, it was a false alarm. That is just how the mall was designed.
“Macy’s was built over an actual dumpster fire. And that smell has always been here. I don’t even notice it”, said Bill Furnari, Greece resident, and Greece High’s 1978 Varsity football regionals MVP. Sure enough, Innerloop investigators confirmed that the dumpster fire has always been burning, and the rancid stench of the ton is as pungent and nauseating as the line to the Chic-fil-A is long…and also putrid.
We tried to follow up with Furnari to see if any actual upheavals had been witnessed in Greece, but he had to get back to work at the Speedway cleaning the coffee maker but not before reminding us of his MVP title in varsity football.
Rochester, NY- With the social distancing requirements in New York State, many bars and restaurants have been forced to get creative as a way to stay open.
South Wedge hotspot Lux Lounge has announced its bartenders will now ignore you curbside as you pull up in the safety of your car.
Patrons are encouraged to drive up any time between 8pm and 2am, roll down their windows and try desperately to make eye contact before they get frustrated and give up.
“Whether you want a PBR, a shot, or a highball, we wanted to make sure you still can’t get one at Lux. Even if you can’t go inside”, they announced in a Facebook post.
We reached out to one of their bartenders for comment but as of press time they were still chatting with their friends.
ROCHESTER, NY – The St. Patrick’s Day Parade was postponed for public safety with respect to the rapidly developing public health crisis. However, Chadthony D’Umbro would not let something like a public health warning stop him from celebrating a non-existent parade. He put on his green hoodie, his “Kiss My Shamrock” belt buckle, and went out to everyone’s favorite Irish bar on East and Alexander. “No ‘social distancing’ was gonna stop me and my bros from doin’ it up this weekend”, said Martinsboro. “We’re gonna be fine! I’m not gonna do anything stupid!”, he said as he drank from the same pitcher of green beer that four of his friends just drank from.
Today, D’Umbro and his friends are in bed with what they are calling “St. Patrick’s Cough”. He claims that it is just a little scratch in his throat. “Everybody I know at the bar has it. It’s not a big deal! Just like a hangover, but with a fever!”
When asked if it is possible that he and his friends contracted the coronavirus (COVID-19), D’Umbro vehemently denied the possibility. “We were safe as hell! I haven’t had Chinese food in a month. I haven’t even kissed my Korean girlfriend, just in case”, D’Umbro announced. “I don’t even play my Playstation, because I don’t wanna catch a computer virus! I know how to protect myself. Besides, I wouldn’t eat any of the weird stuff like bats or eels like THEY do, so there’s no way it’s Coronavirus!” After saying that, D’Umbro scarfed down his third Scotch Egg, a deep fried hard boiled egg wrapped in pig entrails and bread. He is certain, he and his friends’ St. Patrick’s Cough will end soon
We attempted to contact one of his other friends about their symptoms, but most of them had died from the St. Patrick’s Cough already. D’Umbro is sadly still alive.
Rochester, NY- Local business magnate Danny Wegman is in stable condition at Strong Hospital after snorting a large amount of fake snow at one of his stores Holiday displays.
Local shoppers were surprised when Mr. Wegman exclaimed “This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this display is!” Before burying his face in a pile of the sodium polyacryrlate mixture that lay at the bottom of a snowman holding a shovel, and inhaling a large amount of it.
Mr. Wegman briefly spoke to the media, expressing his gratitude that his condition wasn’t worse. “Dying when you’re not really sick is really sick, you know? Really!” He said.
ROCHESTER, NY – A new law signed by outgoing Grand Moff Cheryl Dinolfo will require that police officers are afforded a nappy-poo and a baba any time they get an ouchy in their fee-fees. Said baba and possible blankey must be provided by anyone who has the audacity to ask that officers not break the law themselves or use excessive, disproportionate force against certain members of the population.
“The members of the Rochester Police Department are sworn officers of the law. We have seen a lot of rough stuff in our time on duty, and the general public is probably too weak to deal with our day-to-day”, said David Dukakis, a representative of the Rochester locust Club, a police union named after the type of wood that is used to make the batons they use to beat the shit out of civilians.
“However”, he continued, “If you hurt us in any way, like demanding us to take responsibility for our actions or accusing someone of stealing their own car, or take a picture of us beating up someone in a wheelchair, it hurts us weawwy bad, and it will make us cwy”. Thus, he implored, the need for a baba, and possibly a hot cocoa. Dukakis then sat in the corner to watch Paw Patrol.
Dinolfo insisted that this law is not a response to the success of the Police Accountability Board ballot measure that overwhelmingly passed in November. But she said that the police should be able to investigate themselves without outside interference, much in the way the Mafia lost its power by internally looking at what they were doing and eventually stopped committing crimes.
When asked who is supposed to pay for the blankies and babas for the officers whose fee-fees got boo-boos, Dinolfo said that there is will be a graphical metric based on who hurt the officer that is just a paper bag.
Rochester, NY – Longtime Village Gate sushi spot California Rollin’ is closing its doors after a recent revelation.
“Turns out we’re like nowhere near California!” Owner Tom said in an interview with The Innerloop Blog. “We didn’t have a map, then we got a map, and holy shit, it’s like, all the way over there.”
“We pride ourselves on authenticity.” he continued, unprompted. “And we don’t want to misrepresent our brand, so we’re packing up shop and moving to the ocean. Look for our new location on the Jersey Shore coming soon!”
ROCHESTER, NY – A Bronx man and a Pennsylvania man are suing Wegmans for selling a product that had no intention of being the real thing. Jimmy Arriola and Quincy Steele are incensed that the Wegmans brand vanilla ice cream does not have actual vanilla in it, ignoring that most “vanilla” ice cream hasn’t had actual extract from the beloved Mexican and Madagascar bean, ironically associated with whiteness.
“I felt like a fool. All I could taste is carrageenan and the guar gum. No vanilla”, says Arriola. “It’s bad enough people call me ‘Jimmy Nips’ because of my last name. Now they’ll shit on me for this! What will they call me now? Vanilly Nips?”
Nips was too distraught to continue the interview, but a Wegmans representative gave a suggestion in order to avoid mistakenly ingesting food that lacks ingredients a shopper desires: “Turn the f***ing box around and look at the ingredients”, says Mark Burton, chief of sales and Danny Wegmans nasal powder service distributor. “It’s store brand ice cream, an artificially flavored tub of frozen sugar milk that you get to balance out the too-much sugar in one of our overpriced sheet cakes. If he wanted quality, he should have sprung for the Ben & Jerry’s”
On a related note, Quincy Steele is also suing Wegmans about their Moose Tracks ice cream, as it does not have actual moose droppings and hair in it.
ROCHESTER, NY – Just in time for Halloween, shock jocks Kimberly and Beck have released a new line of costume makeup called “Offenti”, the perfect final touch that is really just black shoe polish with a goddamn sticker on it. Put on Offenti for any of your non-controversial costume needs.
“Whether you want to be 1960-1986 Michael Jackson or Colin Kaepernick, or perhaps you just want to be like the prime minister of Canada, Offenti is the product for you”, says Beck. “Our Halloween makeup line can be used all year round for costumes, and it also serves as a great way to shine your shoes.”
Offenti is produced by the Kiwi corporation, the most popular shoe polish manufacturer in America. Each canister is painstakingly treated with a marker to cross out the “Kiwi” logo, and then a sticker that says “Offenti” is carefully applied. Every Offenti product comes with a complimentary list of weak excuses for wearing it, from “How is this racist?”, to “I’m just trying to be accurate”, to “bUt WhItE cHiCkS”.
Beck continued. “Since we live in Rochester, I expect to sell out of Offenti in a few days, especially in Greece and Webster! This will be a bigger hit than when we hit the stores with our Bill Cosby roofie/sweater combos and Weinstein robes in past years!”
Beck also warned that they are not responsible for hospitalization from wearing makeup in front of the wrong people. At the time, Kimberly could not be reached for comment, as she was busy misgendering a disabled teenager.
Rochester, NY – A man who is currently just trying to enjoy his life couldn’t help but notice a couple at the corner of East Ave and Gibbs St is having a very public fight.
“Yeah they’re about an inch from each other’s faces, just screaming at each other”, said the witness, a local RG&E worker on his lunch break. “I would assume it was just another case of two miserable people having it out, but I know there’s this fancy street festival going on where people do all kinds of weird shit for no reason.”
The altercation first came to his attention when he saw the man throw his arms up and start to walk away, which seemed to escalate the situation.
“Then he called her sister a bitch, that did not seem to calm her down, in fact, she returned that by calling him ‘a limp-dicked alcoholic loser who sucks at NBA 2K’. After that for awhile it was difficult to pick out individual words, it was just sort of a lot of yelling.”
While he couldn’t determine whether the situation was rehearsed or improvised, our source said he definitely enjoyed the show.