Rochester, NY – Shocking news out of Rochester, NY as sources close to the Elizabeth Warren campaign have claimed that Danny Wegman told Warren in a private conversation in 2018 that women could never be a butter mascot at a grocery store.
Elizabeth Warren has been outspoken about her desire to one day inspire young girls everywhere by finally becoming the first Butter Woman, ousting the tyrannous Butter Boy who has been embroiled in a number of scandals since he was named as Wegmans official mascot for the concept of butter.
“Why not? Can I not shoot for the stars? Can I not yearn for greater things? Can I not hope to one day be portrayed as a genital-less sentient hunk of butter?” Warren said, in response to a unrelated question about Iran at the CNN Democratic Debates.
New York is set to ban plastic bags in March of this year, with Wegmans jumping on early and banning plastic bags by the end of January. The announcement has local conservatives up in arms.
“The founding fathers are rolling in their graves!” Said conservative leader John Smith, referring to John and Walter Wegman, founders of Wegmans grocery store.
Local liberal groups are firing back, claiming that there is blood on the conservatives hands, referring of course to the turtles that occasionally get caught in some of the plastic bags and have a hard time getting out, which actually is pretty cute the longer you think about it.
“Who is this going to stop? Do you think the criminals coming in over the border are going to care about some BAN? They are going to get their hands on them one way or another.” John Smith said, referring to the influx of criminals spilling over the border of Hilton and Greece.
He wants the rest of Rochester to know that when the ban falls apart, not to come to him for help.
“Just wait, when the shit hits the fan, the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a plastic bag is a good guy with a plastic bag. While all you little snowflakes are empty handed, I’ll be the one laughing, carrying roughly 5-7 delicately organized items with me, eggs on the bottom bread on top.”
Rochester, NY – Netflix, historically secretive about the inner workings of their company made an incredible revelation today. Apparently, there are only three Netflix accounts that are all being shared by everyone in the city.
There used to be 4 until Todd canceled his subscription.
F*** you Todd.
Rochester, NY – Park Ave Fest recently revealed that they were in desperate need of a new sponsor in order to run the next festival. Without wasting any time, Festival connoisseur and friend of Jennifer Lopez, Ja Rule stepped up to the plate and offered to produce the festival.
Mr. Rule gave The Inner Loop an exclusive inside scoop on how he plans to run this year’s Festival.
“First order of business is a location. Park ave is cool, but I found a great deal on a completely uninhabitable island in the middle of the ocean, which I feel is the perfect location for the new “Pyrk Ayve Luxury Festival”
The island has it all, says Ja. No water or food, a baseline level of radiation that’s only JUST above what is harmful to human beings. The island is also overrun by a pack of exactly 36 capuchin monkeys, who have achieved mild sentience due to the radiation and are extremely violent towards any human being between the ages of 18/25 who are wearing wrist bands.
The festival will offer things that have never before been available to Rochestarians, such as a $700 half-eaten bologna sandwich for lunch, and a limited amount of “Presidential Suite Mud Huts” that come complete with a door, and mud.
All attendees also get to compete for the right to be the guy who has to give someone a blowjob for a 30 pack of Poland Springs Water.
Halfway through the press conference, the festival was canceled, no refunds were offered, and Ja Rule was summarily whisked away by a helicopter being operated by the previously mentioned monkeys, who it seems are under the eternal control of Ja himself.
Greece, NY – Citing a number of growing concerns such as “being the worst” and “more potholes than the actual road” a local I.T. technician suggested if we could potentially solve the problems plaguing Greece, NY by simply turning the town off and on again.
“Sometimes when problems like these arise, the simplest solution is just a hard reset, let the system start over fresh” Said Hinkle Doonsbury, The City’s head of I.T.
“Once a number of problems start to arise such as “everyone you went to high school with do coke and heroin now” and “they keep trying to open restaurants across Latta and Long Pond that close after 2 months”
The best option is simply to reset the town entirely and turn it back on and hope that it is no longer a straight-up worthless stretch of suburban houses and strip malls no one cares about.
Rochester, NY – A Local Chase Pitkin store, that seems to be unaware that the Chase Pitkin brand was abandoned decades ago, has somehow still been operating as a thriving business, serving a population of particularly crafty feral raccoons.
“Somehow we missed the news, I mean we thought it was weird that we had no customers for a few years and never got any responses from corporate when we would request more wood and such.”
Although a few years in, business began to boom as a small group of home improvement enthusiast feral raccoons began to take residence in the store, and slowly began to adapt to the process of browsing for, and completing transactions.
“Honestly, the Raccoons are much more polite than our former customers, you get the concessional jerk of course, someone who wants to suggest a return, or a customer that viciously attacks one of our cashiers and infects him with what is almost definitely rabies, but still beats having to deal with the standard customers we used to get, 50 year old dads who want to return wood for being “too brown”
When we asked a local resident, 65 year old father of 7 John Dinklis if he was surprised to know that there was still technically a Chase Pitkin running in his town.
He was confused by the question and only said “Haven’t they always been around?”
It turns out he, and a number of other local Dads had simply been referring to Home Depot as Chase Pitkin for the last 20 years.
Rochester, NY – In a groundbreaking new study to determine the quality of the air in Rochester, scientists recently discovered that the air found behind the local bar LUX was actually composed of 95% weed smoke and farts.
“There is basically no oxygen left back there. Technically human life shouldn’t be able to survive in that environment, but the patrons of LUX seemed to have built up a tolerance to the air due to years of straight-up huffing farts and ripping fat bowls.” Said Dr. Jenkins McDerbles, who also noted that the bathrooms in LUX were actually composed mostly of solidified of cocaine at this point.
We found a patron of the bar who was ordering a “Cheeseburger Shot” to be directly shot into his veins when we asked what they thought of the new revelations he simply said “420 fart it!”
A statement that our employees here at The Inner Loop have been trying to decode for hours.