Rochester, NY – As many students are dealing with the uncertainty of what it means to attend school during a pandemic, some students are wondering if the coronavirus they contract from Monroe Community College will transfer with them to the four year program at Brockport.
“I just hope all of the hard work that me, my fellow students, as well as the staff here have put into this fall semester of giving each other coronavirus doesn’t go to waste,” said a student who chose to remain nameless as he spit his answer into our tape recorder during our interview.
The student said he had no sense of whether or not school would remain open for the rest of the semester, on top of also having no sense of taste or smell due to the illness that was ravaging him.
There is no telling story what the future holds for these bright-eyed students who are entering campus this fall with dreams of eventually taking the skills and antibodies they receive in school with them into their future careers.
Hilton, NY – Residents of Hilton are up in (track mark covered) arms today as Governor Cuomo has announced that there will be a new law that forces residents to purchase food along with their black tar heroin.
The move comes in an attempt to limit unnecessary gatherings during the pandemic as studies show the number 2 most enjoyed activity in Hilton was “buying heroin” right behind bowling at Pleasure Lanes while high on meth.
Many have complained that this new law infringes on their god-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of narcotics.
Henrietta, NY – As local businesses begin to figure out ways to alter their business during the recent phases of reopening. Greece tween hit spot Club House Fun Center has introduced an innovative solution.
The former ball pit has been replaced with a pit of Purell Anti-bacterial Gel.
“It really eliminates the hassle of having to constantly sanitize my hands. I just dunk my son in once or twice and he’s good for another 2 hours!” Said a local mom who had clearly snuck a flask of schnapps in with her purse.”
Along with the gel pit, the owners have introduced fun new COVID 19 based stickers and prizes to be purchased with game tickets.
Rochester, NY – The long-dead body of abolitionist Frederick Douglass was dug up for his grave, beaten, and charged with trespassing for being within the gates of Mt Hope cemetery after hours.
The Rochester Police Chief defended the actions claiming that Douglass was resisting arrest by having died over 100 years ago and being 6 feet underground.
Douglass was struck multiple times before being arrested and charged. Police claim that the arrest was not due to skin color as Douglass did not have any skin at the time of the arrest.
Rochester, NY – In an attempt to drum up business during the local protests, Tops Friendly Markets has offered buy one loot one deals for all protestors who shop at their stores.
“We wanted to do our part to help.” Said, one employee. The store is also offering specialized tear gas milk to clean out your eyes as-well-as holding a raffle to win a chance to kick a police officer directly in the nuts.
Some claim that the deal is just an attempt to counteract the recent bad press the store has gotten as it was the only store that no one bothered to loot because no one wants to steal expired white bread.
Chili, NY – As the country begins to open up after months of quarantine. A local man says he is excited to return to his normal everyday routine of never washing his hands after he pees.
“It feels liberating to no longer be a slave to “big soap” did you know that pee is sterile? So by my not washing my hands I’m actually probably cleaner than you.” The man said, while sucking Cheeto dust off his fingers.
When asked if he was concerned about the spread of the virus the man explained that it was unlikely to happen to him as he hadn’t been within 6 feet of another living human being in 15 years anyway.
Rochester, NY – As local hospitals are facing a severe lack of PPE, Spirit Halloween has donated boxes of sexy nurse face masks disposable rubber gloves to Rochester General Hospital.
”We couldn’t make much use of the slutty nurse scrubs as they left most of our skin exposed, but it’s the thought that counts,” said nurse Wanda Fanda as she disposed of hundreds of blue nurse scrub thongs and braziers.
The Hospital is currently trying to see if the Scream masks they received meet the face mask safety requirements set by WHO.
A local man was able to easily secure a parking spot at the East Avenue Wegmans today without hassle.
“There was someone else who wanted the spot, but they politely allowed me to have the spot instead, it was overall a very pleasant experience.”
Said the man, who said he was able to find everything. He wanted at the Wegmans within 15 minutes.
Wuhan, China – Chinese citizens are being asked to cancel any and all flights to the greater Rochester area, as fears continue to grow that the diseases contained within Irondequoit, NY are spreading at a deadly rate.
Officials worry that the residents, who as of right now are only at risk for coronavirus, may expose themselves to the much greater threat that is the disease of Irondequoit.
Often referred to as Gennyvirus and “Titus Fever” the disease leads to multiple symptoms such as, drinking at the same bar every Saturday until you die, supporting sports teams that will never, ever win a championship, and never moving out of your home town.
Rochester, NY – Shocking news out of Rochester, NY as sources close to the Elizabeth Warren campaign have claimed that Danny Wegman told Warren in a private conversation in 2018 that women could never be a butter mascot at a grocery store.
Elizabeth Warren has been outspoken about her desire to one day inspire young girls everywhere by finally becoming the first Butter Woman, ousting the tyrannous Butter Boy who has been embroiled in a number of scandals since he was named as Wegmans official mascot for the concept of butter.
“Why not? Can I not shoot for the stars? Can I not yearn for greater things? Can I not hope to one day be portrayed as a genital-less sentient hunk of butter?” Warren said, in response to a unrelated question about Iran at the CNN Democratic Debates.