Rochester, NY – Local 65-year-old Bills fan John Henson has reported that after the Bills won their game this past Saturday against the Colts that he has finally been able to achieve and maintain a full erection for the first time in decades.
“I couldn’t believe it, as soon as that Hail Mary went up and I could tell that it wasn’t going to hit a colts receiver I felt something move. I almost didn’t believe it was real, but once I figured out it wasn’t just an optical illusion from my zubaz pants, I started crying,” said Henson from his hospital bed; he had admitted himself late Saturday evening after reporting an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
Doctors are studying whether or not a Bills Super Bowl win could cure erectile dysfunction for the entire Western New York area.
Violence broke out at Greece Arcadia High School as students of the school stormed the lunch room to demand that the recent hiring of a lunch lady be overturned.
The school security tried to disperse the crowd using weaponized non lethal tiny chocolate milk cartons.
“Our demands will be met! We will not sit idly by and eat the same spicy chicken sandwich every day! The time has come for turkey and gravy, as well as more of that sesame chicken that doesn’t really taste like sesame chicken! Our time is now!” Said a 16 year old who refused to be named.
The student was seen waving a flag made of the wrappers of lukewarm hamburgers.
“Wait they what? Do they think I’m the one who is in charge of deciding the lunch menu?” Said the lunch lady from her protective bunker.
The superintendent of the school has yet to speak publicly on the subject but tweeted his support for the protests by saying.
“There are very fine people on both sides of the lunch line”
The CEO of Wegmans was visited by a strange spirit late in the night who showed him visions of a perfect world where Chase Pitkins was still in business.
There were no wars, no crimes, everyone lived in relative harmony as they joined hands to purchase basic tools and tomato seeds at a bargain bin price.
Danny was moved to tears as the spirit, who bore a striking resemblance to Bob Villa, showed him how much better off the world could have been if not for the home and garden centers demise.
There is no telling what the long standing impact of this vision will be, or if it will lead to Wegman realizing the error of his ways and how he has mistreated his friends, family, and Tiny Tim Hortons.
A local Rochester resident is claiming that they have witnessed a miracle as a water stain has appeared on his home that he says resembles the image of Billy Fuccillo.
“It is truly a blessing. It is a huge, huuuugggee blessing” said the man.
Thousands have traveled to see the image for themselves and some even claimed that they could also see a smaller stain that resembled Caroline.
One man even said that the stain tried to lock him in for a 30 thousand dollar loan for a Hyundai Sonata at 16% interest .
“”Boy I really dropped the ball, huh” said Krystal Night the third generation warlock who served as Spirit Rooms official fortune teller.
Last week social media was a buzz with calls to cancel the quirky bar due to its mistreatment of employees, which seemed in stark contrast from the “nothing bad will happen in October” Tarot Card that the fortune teller had pulled while giving the owners a reading.
We were told that as retribution for the incorrect reading, the Tarot reader was body checked into the walk in freezer before being hexed with an unpaid suspension spell.
Wegmans mascot Butter Boy became the latest public figure to contract the coronavirus.
Our sources say that Butter Boy May have been present at the senate confirmation hearing that has been linked to an outburst of Covid within the White House.
We are not sure what the connection is between The President and Mr.Boy at this time.
When asked if he would quarantine and wear a mask in the future Butter Boy was quoted as saying
“Of course. What kind of idiot would refuse to quarantine or wear a mask after being diagnosed with Covid-19?”
Rochester, NY – As many students are dealing with the uncertainty of what it means to attend school during a pandemic, some students are wondering if the coronavirus they contract from Monroe Community College will transfer with them to the four year program at Brockport.
“I just hope all of the hard work that me, my fellow students, as well as the staff here have put into this fall semester of giving each other coronavirus doesn’t go to waste,” said a student who chose to remain nameless as he spit his answer into our tape recorder during our interview.
The student said he had no sense of whether or not school would remain open for the rest of the semester, on top of also having no sense of taste or smell due to the illness that was ravaging him.
There is no telling story what the future holds for these bright-eyed students who are entering campus this fall with dreams of eventually taking the skills and antibodies they receive in school with them into their future careers.
Hilton, NY – Residents of Hilton are up in (track mark covered) arms today as Governor Cuomo has announced that there will be a new law that forces residents to purchase food along with their black tar heroin.
The move comes in an attempt to limit unnecessary gatherings during the pandemic as studies show the number 2 most enjoyed activity in Hilton was “buying heroin” right behind bowling at Pleasure Lanes while high on meth.
Many have complained that this new law infringes on their god-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of narcotics.
Henrietta, NY – As local businesses begin to figure out ways to alter their business during the recent phases of reopening. Greece tween hit spot Club House Fun Center has introduced an innovative solution.
The former ball pit has been replaced with a pit of Purell Anti-bacterial Gel.
“It really eliminates the hassle of having to constantly sanitize my hands. I just dunk my son in once or twice and he’s good for another 2 hours!” Said a local mom who had clearly snuck a flask of schnapps in with her purse.”
Along with the gel pit, the owners have introduced fun new COVID 19 based stickers and prizes to be purchased with game tickets.
Rochester, NY – The long-dead body of abolitionist Frederick Douglass was dug up for his grave, beaten, and charged with trespassing for being within the gates of Mt Hope cemetery after hours.
The Rochester Police Chief defended the actions claiming that Douglass was resisting arrest by having died over 100 years ago and being 6 feet underground.
Douglass was struck multiple times before being arrested and charged. Police claim that the arrest was not due to skin color as Douglass did not have any skin at the time of the arrest.