Rochester, NY – The long-dead body of abolitionist Frederick Douglass was dug up for his grave, beaten, and charged with trespassing for being within the gates of Mt Hope cemetery after hours.
The Rochester Police Chief defended the actions claiming that Douglass was resisting arrest by having died over 100 years ago and being 6 feet underground.
Douglass was struck multiple times before being arrested and charged. Police claim that the arrest was not due to skin color as Douglass did not have any skin at the time of the arrest.
Rochester, NY – In an attempt to drum up business during the local protests, Tops Friendly Markets has offered buy one loot one deals for all protestors who shop at their stores.
“We wanted to do our part to help.” Said, one employee. The store is also offering specialized tear gas milk to clean out your eyes as-well-as holding a raffle to win a chance to kick a police officer directly in the nuts.
Some claim that the deal is just an attempt to counteract the recent bad press the store has gotten as it was the only store that no one bothered to loot because no one wants to steal expired white bread.
Chili, NY – As the country begins to open up after months of quarantine. A local man says he is excited to return to his normal everyday routine of never washing his hands after he pees.
“It feels liberating to no longer be a slave to “big soap” did you know that pee is sterile? So by my not washing my hands I’m actually probably cleaner than you.” The man said, while sucking Cheeto dust off his fingers.
When asked if he was concerned about the spread of the virus the man explained that it was unlikely to happen to him as he hadn’t been within 6 feet of another living human being in 15 years anyway.
Rochester, NY – As local hospitals are facing a severe lack of PPE, Spirit Halloween has donated boxes of sexy nurse face masks disposable rubber gloves to Rochester General Hospital.
”We couldn’t make much use of the slutty nurse scrubs as they left most of our skin exposed, but it’s the thought that counts,” said nurse Wanda Fanda as she disposed of hundreds of blue nurse scrub thongs and braziers.
The Hospital is currently trying to see if the Scream masks they received meet the face mask safety requirements set by WHO.
A local man was able to easily secure a parking spot at the East Avenue Wegmans today without hassle.
“There was someone else who wanted the spot, but they politely allowed me to have the spot instead, it was overall a very pleasant experience.”
Said the man, who said he was able to find everything. He wanted at the Wegmans within 15 minutes.
Wuhan, China – Chinese citizens are being asked to cancel any and all flights to the greater Rochester area, as fears continue to grow that the diseases contained within Irondequoit, NY are spreading at a deadly rate.
Officials worry that the residents, who as of right now are only at risk for coronavirus, may expose themselves to the much greater threat that is the disease of Irondequoit.
Often referred to as Gennyvirus and “Titus Fever” the disease leads to multiple symptoms such as, drinking at the same bar every Saturday until you die, supporting sports teams that will never, ever win a championship, and never moving out of your home town.
Rochester, NY – Shocking news out of Rochester, NY as sources close to the Elizabeth Warren campaign have claimed that Danny Wegman told Warren in a private conversation in 2018 that women could never be a butter mascot at a grocery store.
Elizabeth Warren has been outspoken about her desire to one day inspire young girls everywhere by finally becoming the first Butter Woman, ousting the tyrannous Butter Boy who has been embroiled in a number of scandals since he was named as Wegmans official mascot for the concept of butter.
“Why not? Can I not shoot for the stars? Can I not yearn for greater things? Can I not hope to one day be portrayed as a genital-less sentient hunk of butter?” Warren said, in response to a unrelated question about Iran at the CNN Democratic Debates.
New York is set to ban plastic bags in March of this year, with Wegmans jumping on early and banning plastic bags by the end of January. The announcement has local conservatives up in arms.
“The founding fathers are rolling in their graves!” Said conservative leader John Smith, referring to John and Walter Wegman, founders of Wegmans grocery store.
Local liberal groups are firing back, claiming that there is blood on the conservatives hands, referring of course to the turtles that occasionally get caught in some of the plastic bags and have a hard time getting out, which actually is pretty cute the longer you think about it.
“Who is this going to stop? Do you think the criminals coming in over the border are going to care about some BAN? They are going to get their hands on them one way or another.” John Smith said, referring to the influx of criminals spilling over the border of Hilton and Greece.
He wants the rest of Rochester to know that when the ban falls apart, not to come to him for help.
“Just wait, when the shit hits the fan, the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a plastic bag is a good guy with a plastic bag. While all you little snowflakes are empty handed, I’ll be the one laughing, carrying roughly 5-7 delicately organized items with me, eggs on the bottom bread on top.”
Rochester, NY – Netflix, historically secretive about the inner workings of their company made an incredible revelation today. Apparently, there are only three Netflix accounts that are all being shared by everyone in the city.
There used to be 4 until Todd canceled his subscription.
F*** you Todd.
Rochester, NY – Park Ave Fest recently revealed that they were in desperate need of a new sponsor in order to run the next festival. Without wasting any time, Festival connoisseur and friend of Jennifer Lopez, Ja Rule stepped up to the plate and offered to produce the festival.
Mr. Rule gave The Inner Loop an exclusive inside scoop on how he plans to run this year’s Festival.
“First order of business is a location. Park ave is cool, but I found a great deal on a completely uninhabitable island in the middle of the ocean, which I feel is the perfect location for the new “Pyrk Ayve Luxury Festival”
The island has it all, says Ja. No water or food, a baseline level of radiation that’s only JUST above what is harmful to human beings. The island is also overrun by a pack of exactly 36 capuchin monkeys, who have achieved mild sentience due to the radiation and are extremely violent towards any human being between the ages of 18/25 who are wearing wrist bands.
The festival will offer things that have never before been available to Rochestarians, such as a $700 half-eaten bologna sandwich for lunch, and a limited amount of “Presidential Suite Mud Huts” that come complete with a door, and mud.
All attendees also get to compete for the right to be the guy who has to give someone a blowjob for a 30 pack of Poland Springs Water.
Halfway through the press conference, the festival was canceled, no refunds were offered, and Ja Rule was summarily whisked away by a helicopter being operated by the previously mentioned monkeys, who it seems are under the eternal control of Ja himself.