All posts by SamLiButti

Local Genius Gets Free Slice of Capicola at Wegmans Deli by Pretending He Wants to “Try It”

Rochester, NY – A local man is being heralded as a genius after he received one free slice of capicola at the Wegmans Deli by pretending he just “wanted to try it”

“Those idiots didn’t even know what hit them,” said the man, who asked not to be named as he didn’t want the fame to get to his head, and feared being hounded by paparazzi.

“I have had capicola a number of times, I am well aware of what it tastes like, yet I pretended that I did not, in order to receive one small slice of capicola for free. I bet no one has ever thought to do that before. I see myself as a revolutionary of sorts.”

So what’s next? The man said he is currently coordinating a plan to go to various Wegmans and collect enough free slices to make himself a full sandwich.

“It might take a few months of planning to get it right, if I mess up even once, the jig is up. If I die trying, please do not make me a martyr, I’m not doing this for the fame and fortune, I’m doing it for a free sandwich, with no less than 3 types of meat.”

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How an Eastman Student Walking Home With His Tuba Accidentally Ended up Headlining Jazz Fest

ROCHESTER, NY – An Eastman School of Music student found himself in a precarious situation this weekend as he was walking home carrying his tuba, and suddenly found him rushed onto one of the free music stages downtown where he was forced to hold an impromptu 2-hour performance to resounding applause.

“One of the best performances of the whole festival, simple raw and pure, yet powerful.”

Said one concert goer, who seemed to think the student was actually Dan Aykroyd, another performer who is, apparently for some reason, also performing at Jazz Fest.

40 minutes of the performance was said o just be a “jazzy rendition” of hot cross buns, played during what looked like a portion of the show in which the student was in the midst of a panic attack.

Study Finds That All Known Diseases Originated From Bug Jar Bathroom

ROCHESTER, NY – A shocking discovery has been made in Western New York that has sent scientists across the nation into a frenzy questioning all that was once that to be true about the world.

It was recently discovered that every single disease, from bubonic plague to the measles, originated from the bathroom of the Bug Jar on Monroe Avenue.

“It defies all known logic, but all tests returned the same result, literally every disgusting horrible disease not only exists within the sticker-covered walls of those bathrooms, but the resting primordial stew of bodily fluids that makes up the majority of the contents of those bathrooms seem to have spawned every single known disease. It also somehow naturally created fake oxycodone pills cut with fentanyl, which we found especially peculiar.” Said local scientist David Kenner, who would no refuse to remove his hazmat suit as he spoke with us at the counter of the bar.

“I’m not shocked,” said a local crust punk who apparently doesn’t have a name.

“I went in there once to shoot some H and a week later I had hepatitis, it’s really sad they let the bathrooms get to that point, clearly their fault” he said, whilst waist deep in his own vomit in one of the stalls that he had kicked in the door to because he was “kind of in a hurry”

No word yet on what the bar plans to do about the situation, the CDC considered quarantining the area but decided against it due to the fact that no one really ever goes to, or leaves, Rochester anyway.

Wegmans Plans to Euthanize Bag Boys in an Effort to Go Green

Rochester, NY – Following the announcement that Wegmans would be phasing out plastic bags, everyone’s favorite grocery store has announced another plan to show that they are spearheading the effort to #GoGreen.

Starting this month, Wegmans will begin to euthanize their bag boys to cut down on unnecessary waste and to lessen the number of bag boys that have been polluting landfills for years.

When asked how he felt about the new policy, current bag boy Allen Thomas said: “wait what?” He was quickly dragged away by Wegmans staff, where he was humanely euthanized. His family has been given the option to have him stuffed and mounted in their home, so that their little buddy can stay with them forever.

ALDI’s hosts alternative to Top’s St. Paddy’s Parade where you have to bag your own parade floats

ROCHESTER, NY – In response to Tops hosting the annual St Patrick’s Day parade. Discount grocery chain Aldi’s has announced their own parade down the street.

“It’s basically just as good, almost all the same stuff as the other parade, except you have to bag your own parade floats.” Said Aldiman Grocerson, the CEO of Aldi’s

Parade goers can use a reusable bag for only 2.99, or use random boxes they find littered around to try and box the float if you’re on a budget.

Tickets to the event are $10 cash, EBT is also accepted.

Man Complaining About Reuben At Wegmans Deli Turns Out To Be Bernie Sanders Announcing 2020 Run

ROCHESTER, NY – Local shoppers were shocked to find out that the old man yelling about “too many toothpicks” in his Reuben at the Wegmans deli on East Ave was actually Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders officially announcing his presidential run for 2020.

Sanders was heard loudly proclaiming his intent to eliminate the “1% milk” and seize means of the produce section for the people.

He also expressed anger that there was no “medium soup”

“It’s either a cup or a bowl, sometimes I want more than a cup but not a full bowl, this needs to be rectified” said Sanders who asked for his sandwich to be cut into 35ths so that it could be shared amongst all of the workers.

Statue of Post Malone torn down in retaliation for Frederick Douglass incident

ROCHESTER, NY – After two drunk college students tore down and stole a statue of the prominent historical African-American figure Fredrick Douglass, the community has retaliated by tearing down a statue of prominent white fuckboy leader Post Malone.

“This is a great injustice, Posty has done more for progressing the agenda of shotgunning natty ice and looking grody as fuck than anyone else. His contributions to the 20 year old college fuck boy community cannot be understated” said St John Fisher Sophmore Chad Chadson, right before he ran across the street to tell a women she should “smile more”

The men who tore down the Post Malone statue are being charged with terrorism and will be set to death, due to the fact that they weren’t underage drinking while white when the incident occurred, thus giving them no excuse.

“Sadly our hands are tied, the law is the law, you can’t just go around committing these kinds of crimes while being so brazenly not white, and not expect consequences.” Said the Chief of Police who kept telling us he has “tons of black friends, honestly” despite us not asking.