ROCHESTER, NY – A shocking discovery has been made in Western New York that has sent scientists across the nation into a frenzy questioning all that was once that to be true about the world.
It was recently discovered that every single disease, from bubonic plague to the measles, originated from the bathroom of the Bug Jar on Monroe Avenue.
“It defies all known logic, but all tests returned the same result, literally every disgusting horrible disease not only exists within the sticker-covered walls of those bathrooms, but the resting primordial stew of bodily fluids that makes up the majority of the contents of those bathrooms seem to have spawned every single known disease. It also somehow naturally created fake oxycodone pills cut with fentanyl, which we found especially peculiar.” Said local scientist David Kenner, who would no refuse to remove his hazmat suit as he spoke with us at the counter of the bar.
“I’m not shocked,” said a local crust punk who apparently doesn’t have a name.
“I went in there once to shoot some H and a week later I had hepatitis, it’s really sad they let the bathrooms get to that point, clearly their fault” he said, whilst waist deep in his own vomit in one of the stalls that he had kicked in the door to because he was “kind of in a hurry”
No word yet on what the bar plans to do about the situation, the CDC considered quarantining the area but decided against it due to the fact that no one really ever goes to, or leaves, Rochester anyway.
Rochester, NY – Following the announcement that Wegmans would be phasing out plastic bags, everyone’s favorite grocery store has announced another plan to show that they are spearheading the effort to #GoGreen.
Starting this month, Wegmans will begin to euthanize their bag boys to cut down on unnecessary waste and to lessen the number of bag boys that have been polluting landfills for years.
When asked how he felt about the new policy, current bag boy Allen Thomas said: “wait what?” He was quickly dragged away by Wegmans staff, where he was humanely euthanized. His family has been given the option to have him stuffed and mounted in their home, so that their little buddy can stay with them forever.
ROCHESTER, NY – In response to Tops hosting the annual St Patrick’s Day parade. Discount grocery chain Aldi’s has announced their own parade down the street.
“It’s basically just as good, almost all the same stuff as the other parade, except you have to bag your own parade floats.” Said Aldiman Grocerson, the CEO of Aldi’s
Parade goers can use a reusable bag for only 2.99, or use random boxes they find littered around to try and box the float if you’re on a budget.
Tickets to the event are $10 cash, EBT is also accepted.
ROCHESTER, NY – Local shoppers were shocked to find out that the old man yelling about “too many toothpicks” in his Reuben at the Wegmans deli on East Ave was actually Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders officially announcing his presidential run for 2020.
Sanders was heard loudly proclaiming his intent to eliminate the “1% milk” and seize means of the produce section for the people.
He also expressed anger that there was no “medium soup”
“It’s either a cup or a bowl, sometimes I want more than a cup but not a full bowl, this needs to be rectified” said Sanders who asked for his sandwich to be cut into 35ths so that it could be shared amongst all of the workers.
ROCHESTER, NY – After two drunk college students tore down and stole a statue of the prominent historical African-American figure Fredrick Douglass, the community has retaliated by tearing down a statue of prominent white fuckboy leader Post Malone.
“This is a great injustice, Posty has done more for progressing the agenda of shotgunning natty ice and looking grody as fuck than anyone else. His contributions to the 20 year old college fuck boy community cannot be understated” said St John Fisher Sophmore Chad Chadson, right before he ran across the street to tell a women she should “smile more”
The men who tore down the Post Malone statue are being charged with terrorism and will be set to death, due to the fact that they weren’t underage drinking while white when the incident occurred, thus giving them no excuse.
“Sadly our hands are tied, the law is the law, you can’t just go around committing these kinds of crimes while being so brazenly not white, and not expect consequences.” Said the Chief of Police who kept telling us he has “tons of black friends, honestly” despite us not asking.
“I thought these people were into vampires? Why all the dirty looks?” cried Scott Morris, 36 of Pittsford, NY. As he waved his cape around rapidly, defeatedly muttering “bleh, bleh!” to himself in an attempt to impress other patrons at the goth nightclub Vertex.
Many of the club goers scoffed and shot judging glares while Scott persisted, as he made several failed attempts to incorporate his cape into what some could describe as “dancing”
“I really thought this would be a hit, I spent $75 on this costume, and the shop said no returns, so I feel like the only thing I can do is just keep coming here, do he think they just don’t get it? Like maybe they don’t realize I’m a Dracula?” said Morris, confoundedly thinking being “a Dracula” was a thing.
Time will tell whether or not the local man’s attempt to become a new member of the scene at Vertex will be successful or not, although the last interaction he had during the night does seem to give us an indication.
“I vant to drink your bud! haha, hi I’m Scott.” he said, to a women at the bar drinking a Budweiser.
He was promptly removed from the bar as literally everyone hoisted him up over their heads and carried him to his vehicle.
“I only get one chance a year, I can’t blow it”
Said Herman Wilsley, a 55 year old Rochester native and once a year corn dog enthusiast.
For Wilsley the annual Lilac Fest isn’t about the flowers or the festivities. It’s about one thing. Corn Dogs.
“I don’t even really like them honestly, but I feel this duty to have one every year, and with so many options, it’s a tough call each year to figure out which establishment can offer him the best deal on a deep fried hot dog on a stick that will almost definitely cause him digestion problems for days after consumption.
“I am a purist, no cheating. Sure I could go for the bacon and cheese filled corn dog and shit my brains out for months, but any schmuck could do that. If it’s not just corn and dog, it ain’t a corn dog baby.”
He said as he smugly took a sip of his 12 dollar coors light.
We were not able to locate Herman later in the day to get a final answer on who he chose, the last time he was seen he was mumbling about mustard as he headed towards the stage, where a band was playing the same Dave Mathews song for the 4th time in a row to resounding applause.