All posts by lanemcfaddin

Rochester Couple Runs Out Of Things to Talk About After Two Days Without Power

Rochester, NY – With several areas of Rochester still without power, new relationships are being put to their ultimate test: holding each other’s attention using something pre-millennials call “conversation.”

“Usually when he is talking I can turn on my iPad or phone and just pretend to care while looking at dank memes” says Danielle Trego of Greece, “now we just have these uncomfortable moments where we are looking at each other and have nothing to say.”

“No WiFi has been especially tough on us” says her boyfriend, David Mueller, “usually the best times in our relationship are when we’re scrolling through each other’s social media feeds, and she nudges me to show me how fat someone looks now. Those were the good ol’ days.”

Rochester Police Switch to Commemorative Frederick Douglass Bullets for Black History Month

Rochester, NY- Police Chief Michael Ciminelli announced that Rochester police officers will be switching to commemorative bullets honoring famous abolitionist and social reformer, Frederick Douglass for the month of February. The engraved bullets depict Douglass and feature several quotes from his most famous speeches.

Frederick Douglass of course lived in Rochester when he began publishing the abolitionist newspaper The North Star. Douglass lived in Rochester for the majority of his life and was buried in Mount Hope Cemetery, along with Susan B. Anthony.

Mayor Lovely Warren said of the gesture, “That’s a step in the right direction, I guess.” She then bit down on her pen so hard the clicky part broke.

Oscars Snub: Academy Overlooks My Girlfriend in Role of “Total Bitch All The Time”

This past week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the 2017 Oscar nominations. La La Land was a notable standout, getting a whopping 14 nominations (which ties the record for most a movie has received). Moonlight, a gripping, personal drama brought much needed diversity, along with Fences, Lion and Hidden Figures, to the Oscars after last year’s #OscarsSoWhite controversy.

The field of worthy movies was jam-packed this year, and per usual several films and performances were snubbed, upsetting many movie buffs. By now, you have probably heard complaints about Amy Adams and Annette Bening not making it into the ranks for Best Actress. Many feel Bening was quite deserving for her performance in 20th Century Woman. Even more thought 2017 was Adams’ year, as she knocked it out of the park in both Arrival (which got plenty of recognition) and Nocturnal Animals.

However, the Academy overlooked another stellar performance no one is talking about; my girlfriend in her role of being a total and utter bitch all the time. Not even Loving’s Ruth Negga or the transcendent Meryl Streep came close to the dedication and effort my girlfriend put into acting like a horrible bitch all the goddamn time. From her incessant nagging about me finding a real job (writing for an Internet blog is a noble pursuit, by the way) to her subtlety played looks of disappointment, her excellence is unmatched. Not too often is an actress able to completely transform into the role she takes on. Yet,  my girlfriend’s expertise and commitment results in a complete coalescence of player and character. Halfway through 2016, I couldn’t even tell the difference between my girlfriend and the raging bitch she acted like 24/7.

The Academy will try to hide behind technicalities, like my girlfriend not actually being in a film, let alone one that got theatrical distribution or her not actually being an actress. But a rose by any other name would smell as sweet and my girlfriend, SAG or not, still acts awful and bitchy all the time. If the Academy fails to recognize that, well I suppose there is nothing to be done.

Area Man Who Screamed When He Saw A Spider Last Week Pretty Confident He Will Win Bar Fight

Rochester, NY – It’s 9:02 on Friday night and Jason Berkeley is leaning on the bar at Monty’s Krown, waiting to order what will be his fifth light beer. Berkeley came to Monty’s with several friends, who are engrossed in a game of darts in the back of the bar. As the bartender heads Berkeley’s way, he raises his hand to signal. Just then, a man much larger than Berkeley, in a leather biker jacket leans onto the bar, in front of Berkeley, usurping the bartender’s attention and ordering a round of whiskey for “the guys”.

Berkeley, in a moment of courage, taps the large man on the shoulder and tells him that he was here first, and therefore should be able to order first. This courage was not present in Berkeley last Tuesday when he stepped into the shower. Perched just above the faucet head was an American House Spider. No on this occasion, courage was not a word that could be used to describe Jason Berkeley. Words that may be appropriate are mortified, petrified, or the most scared anyone has ever appeared in history. Berkeley, laying eyes on the spider, roughly a quarter-inch long, let out a primal scream and jumped backwards. He then is reported to have muttered “oh f–k, oh f–k” for another minute and a half as he mentally prepared to squish the home invader with a handful of toilet paper, an action he would compliment with yet another scream.

This small, easily startled inner self was nowhere to be found at Monty’s, as the biker aggressively turned towards Berkeley, stating, “if you got a problem son, I suggest we handle it like men.” Berkeley squared off with this man clearly much stronger than he and said. “Let’s go, buddy, I’m not afraid of you.” A statement pretty easily put into question by Berkeley’s dealings with a common household pest days prior. Still, Berkeley swung like a man who hadn’t devolved into a panicky mush when the spider scurried towards the drain after his first, failed attempt at squishing it.

Both the bar biker and the very small, harmless arachnid proved worthy foes for Berkeley, who went down after two punches to the former, and called his girlfriend crying after just barely killing the latter.

Cousins Play Riot Police and Indians Before Thanksgiving Dinner

Pittsford, NY – Cousins Randall Sellars, 9 and Jimmy Peterson, 8, don’t mind the wind chill as they run around the Peterson’s backyard, chasing each other and throwing snowballs. Out of breath and laughing, the duo pauses to think of a new game to play.

“I know, I know,” Randall excitedly shouts, “How about Riot Police and Indians?” Jimmy claps in thrilled agreement, “I’ll be a riot policeman and you be a Standing Rock Protector,” continues Randall.

Randall then picks up a garbage can lid and adorns his head with a tipped over flower pot. Jimmy draws a line in the snow with his foot and stands behind it. The two boys giggle as Randall pegs Jimmy with snowball after snowball. Jimmy, a future actor no-doubt, stays in character and just stands there peacefully.

A knock on the kitchen window gets Jimmy’s attention. He turns to look inside. His mother, Teresa Peterson, 37, signals to him that Thanksgiving dinner is served. Jimmy nods back.

“It’s time for dinner, I think,” Jimmy says as he turns back to Randall, now holding the garden hose.

Teresa and Barbara Sellers, Randall’s mother laugh as they watch their sons play. Teresa remarks how lucky they are to have kids nowadays who actually like to play outside. Barbara agrees as she finishes setting the table, the brutal irony lost on them both.

Jacob Sellers, Randall’s father, can be heard in the next room shouting, “Woohoo, Touchdown! Go Redskins!”

Rochester’s Most Haunted Admission Free Places #19: The Restaurant My Ex Works At

Rochester, NY – Next up on our list is a destination sure to raise the hairs on the back of your neck; the restaurant my horrible ex-girlfriend works at. Coming in at 19 on our list, this spooky venue gets 5 out of 10 Spooky-Ghosts on our Inner Loop Scare-O-Meter.

A visit to this creepy locale is a guaranteed fright-fest. Sure the food is good, and the ambiance is pleasing. But you never know when a succubus in a black button up will steal your heart and subsequently rip it out in front of you and eat it with her disgusting teeth that have that gap that you thought was cute once but now can only see as a gross, tiny little black void like the one in your chest.

Prepare to feel true terror when you realize that the restaurant is where all your work friends go for lunch so it’s not like you can just avoid seeing her in her dumb apron flirting with that pothead chef who you are pretty sure she slept with when you guys were together.

For those seeking bone-chilling thrills, this is the place for you. To enhance the nightmareish experience, be sure to text her drunkingly the night before you go.

Burning Gallery Room Real Fire, Not First Friday Showcase

Village Gate, Rochester – First Friday is a wonderful tradition, a chance to showcase local artists’ work and allow people to pretend they understand art while drinking white wine out of tiny paper cups. What is normally a festive, fun evening turned treacherous this past Friday.

AXOM Gallery sustained severe property damage after a fire erupted in one of the showcase rooms. Luckily no one was injured and the fire was able to be contained, which is surprising since the flames were left undoused for several hours.

City Fire Chief, John Schreiber, says he doesn’t understand how it was able to burn for that long. “I just can’t wrap my mind around why nobody called us sooner. I mean, a room was completely on fire.”

“To be honest, my first instinct was to find the artist that created such a powerful, moving statement, “ Richard Darby, self acclaimed local art connoisseur, said about the on-fire room. Darby, and many other First Friday attendees, initially thought the very real fire to be an artistic showcase, on display for the monthly gallery night. “It rather didn’t occur to me that it could be an actual fire,” Darby said, wiping his monocle on his ripped ‘The Smiths’ shirt.

When asked if he thought it concerning that the building’s alarm system had been triggered, Darby said, “I do not underestimate any artists’ scope or ability.”

Eventually, a patron of Good Luck, who had just ordered their signature $27 Mystic Teardrop, a drink consisted of half an ounce of gin, water and lemon zest, called the fire department after seeing smoke pouring out of the room’s third story window.

Fire investigators believe the fire was caused when Dahl Jacobsen, a resident artist, knocked a candle over while painting a self-portrait blindfolded, part of a series he calls “Blind Reflections of My Inner Eye.” Jacobsen could not be contacted.

Older Brother’s Cool Friend Lands Double Kickflip

Henrietta, NY – Lance Kendall couldn’t believe his eyes Thursday afternoon when Jeremy Crews, his older brother’s super cool friend that smokes cigarettes, landed a double kickflip in their driveway. The three boys were reportedly skating around the driveway, waiting for Mrs. Kendall to finish making a dinner of fish sticks and smiley fries.  

The ‘skate sesh’ was pretty normal, according to Kendall. His brother and Jeremy were doing Ollies over a rake handle, while he himself was practicing that trick you do when you can’t actually skate yet where you stand under an upside down board and kick your feet up, turning it rightside up and landing on it. “I’ve gotten really good at that one,” Kendall explains

But the day would soon turn completely awesome. Kendall recounted the experience excitedly to this reporter, saying;

“All the sudden, Jeremy told us to watch him and then he like kicks the board down, and I thought he was just doing a real high Ollie, but then the board starts spinning. And then I was like, ‘woah he’s gunna do a kickflip’ but the board kept spinning. I couldn’t believe it. Man, Jeremy is so cool. He smokes cigarettes, you know? But don’t tell Mom, or he won’t be able to come over anymore.”

Lance Kendall’s older brother Mark confirmed the story, stating that Jeremy did indeed land a double kickflip, a trick in which the board spins a full 720 degrees horizontally, adding, “I can totally land one, too. Also, seriously, don’t tell our Mom about the cigarette thing.”

Note From the Editor: Dear Team Instinct, We’re Sorry

Last week, in a transparent attempt to capitalize on social trends, we here at the Inner Loop blog posted several articles about Pokemon GO. Being the savvy social satirists we are, we posted two articles about Team Valor and Team Mystic respectively. These articles parodied the trend among GO players to playfully knock rival teams online, using playground name-calling and not-so-clever memes.

It is with deep regret that we acknowledge that we failed to post such an article about Team Instinct. Honestly, we just sort of forgot there was a third team. Admittedly, Team Instinct is pretty forgettable. They have some lame leader that spouts about Pokemon’s feelings and their mascot is basically an electrified Big Bird. Also, they only account for like 1% of the player pool, so they are easy to miss.

Despite these facts, our failure to ridicule them on our internet blog is inexcusable. It was a gross oversight, and frankly we are ashamed. Team Instinct players deserve to be overly offended in a Pokemon Go Facebook group just as much as Team Valor and Team Mystic. The knowledge that we robbed them of that experience is a heavy burden. A burden we must live with.

So, to Team Instinct, we are sorry. We should have made fun of you. We should have made some asinine comment about how Instinct players are those guys who say their dogs are people too. Or some half-hearted play on words about how if you had any “instinct” at all, you would have chosen a better team. We should have done all this but we didn’t. We can’t go back in time and fix our mistakes, so now all we can do is say we’re sorry.

 

 

Joe Bean Employee Worries He’s Not Pretentious Enough

Rochester, NY – Joe Bean Bar and Roastery is known for its high-end coffee and alcohol and its distinguished atmosphere. Joe Bean prides itself on not just serving its customers great beverages, but doing so as condescendingly as possible. Many patrons will say a Joe Bean experience is not complete if you don’t walk away feeling inferior and pedestrian.

The tattooed, often mustachioed employees of Joe Bean are the face of the company, and thus are chiefly responsible for presenting said air of ostentation. We met up with one employee, Ezra Bourdain, to learn about the pressures of keeping up such a contrived facade.

“It’s really quite tough to act this superior all the time,” Bourdain laments, “every customer that comes in is another poor soul I need to enlighten. It’s a heavy burden, man.”  

We asked Bourdain his process for interacting with a first-time customer.  “I usually like to approach them in an non-threatening way, whether it’s adjusting one of my three scarves, or clasping my hands together and shaking them slightly, as if I were a youth pastor,” Bourdain explains as he sits across from this reporter somehow crossing both legs.

“Then, I’ll ask if this is their first time at the shop, being sure to not refer to it by it’s full name. Priority number one is always instilling a false sense of importance about what they are about to experience. The customer needs to understand that they will not just be tasting coffee, but that they will be tasting locally roasted, overpriced coffee. It really helps justify the fifteen minutes it takes us to prepare their beverage.”

As we discuss Bourdain’s role as a barista, we sample a flight of Latin American small-batch coffees. Bourdain reminding this reporter every couple of minutes to ‘sip lightly, as if it is a first kiss’ and to ‘let the aroma envelop you, let it carry you to bliss.’  

Bourdain went on to explain several insecurities he harbors working at Joe Bean. “Yeah friend, I’ve been kept up at night a few times. It weighs on you, being an ambassador to the higher pleasures. I worry sometimes I’m not arrogant or pretentious enough. For example, the other day a customer asked if they could get cream in their coffee and I didn’t even scoff or belittle them. I just politely told them that adding cream to coffee is like watching a Goddard film with subtitles. It’s experiences like those that cause my worry,” Bourdain sipped his ristretto shot in an oddly ashamed manner.

“It’s bleeding outside of work too. The other day, I didn’t even correct an acquaintance when they mispronounced my favorite Russian play. I just let it slide. I let it slide man,” At this, Bourdain became visibly shaken.

When asked if he had any closing thoughts, Bourdain said, “Oh for sure, my band ‘Dew Fell Upon Her Back’ is playing the Bug Jar at the end of July. We are a four piece new wave jazz punk ensemble. Also, you can order a vinyl of our EP on our Etsy account.”