GREECE – After the announcement of a Chick-Fill-A coming to the Rochester area, a group of private investors announced that they are breaking ground on In-n-Out-n-Proud, the first all glass LGBTQ+ leather bar and grill, 20 feet to the left of the fast food chain.  The bar will be open to everyone, regardless of sexuality, gender, race, class, or ability. Besides serving delicious dishes made from local food sources, In-n-Out-n-Proud will also hold informational and instructional classes and workshops on such subjects as gender-fluid adoptions, light BDSM, and how to make good quality signs for protesting businesses who continually fund anti-LGBT hate groups while pretending to only just be about making shitty chicken sandwiches. They project their busiest hours to coincide with Chick-Fil-A’s operating hours. Said one In-n-Out-Proud entrepreneur, “With all glass walls, passersby will get to see everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING. That means you’ll get to see our patrons enjoying their dinners and minding their goddamn business, but you can assume that some dudes are gonna kiss or something, which is also their goddamn business.”

Investors denied that the construction of this new bar is a direct response to Chick-Fil-A’s opening, a food chain that has donated tens of millions of dollars to anti-LGBT hate groups throughout the years, even though they promised to stop supporting said groups, and whose CEO officially stated that he was against same-sex marriage under the veiled excuse of “Christian causes”.

“We didn’t know that a Chick-Fil-A was opening in the area”, said one investor in In-n-Out-n-Proud. “It is also just a coincidence that our all glass bar and grill will feature make out rooms that will be lit and in direct view of the Chick-Fil-A windows.” Investors wish to remain anonymous, but also said they plan to open an adoption center for gay couples, and wedding organizer who specializes LGBTQ+ couples, and a pet store, but for people into pony and puppy play, all adjacent to, in front of, or directly behind the new Chick-Fil-A.

Chick-Fil-A could not provide a comment regarding their new neighbors, as they were too busy commemorating a statue to the Westboro Baptist church.

The Academy plans to unequivocally re-award Driving Miss Daisy the Academy Award for Best Picture this year, 28 years after it won it the first time, to comfort viewers that despite changes, the Academy is still a cabal of stodgy old white men who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves and their shitty old white man world view.

“We made a mistake choosing Moonlight in the first place”, explained a voter who wished to remain anonymous. “It is not normal for us to let a black guy win unless it’s about slavery or servitude, or if the role is a repugnant, like a corrupt cop or a drug dealer. We heard Moonlight was about a drug dealer, but didn’t realize it was heartwarming, so to compromise, we did the fake out with that movie about white people gentrifying jazz before we actually gave the reward to Moonlight. But now we need to make sure everyone knows we’re the same Academy they’d grown to know and love, or my name isn’t Mel Gibso-…um…’Gary’…” The anonymous Academy member then continued to autofellate himself while watching Birth of a Nation.

Though this year’s Oscars nominees are more diverse than ever since the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, The Academy wants to ensure that they are still the same Academy, hailing movies by white straight men, all while openly snubbing movies by women and people of color, unless the roles they are taking are denigrating, hence the choice for Driving Miss Daisy. It is unconventional to re-award a film that has already on, 28 years ago at that, but as the anonymous voter explained, there just were not any prominent movies that shed minorities in a bad light or made them suffer this year. “We looked very hard”, he said, “but nothing was good enough that people would not suspect anything.”

The Academy also plans to reward a series of racist Looney Tunes cartoons from the 1950s over Coco in the Best Animated Feature category.

ROCHESTER – “There is no such thing as Confederate Claus, Frank!” That was the last thing Frank Smith heard as he was forcibly escorted out of his downtown workplace during the office holiday party. This all started when it was announced that the theme of the party would be “White Christmas”. Though the theme was a nod to the classic Irving Berlin song of the same name, Smith misinterpreted it as a call to show his true “colors”. Unfortunately, those colors were in the form of a green pointed hood.

“We should have known that there was going to be some trouble, but we did not imagine this”, HR director Susan Lance said to reporters. “When the email about the party and theme went out, his cubemates said he jumped up and yelled, ‘Finally!’, and then he leered ominously at our intern Lakshmi.” Lakshmi, for her part, had a different view of the whole incident. She was not surprised at Smith’s conduct at the party, as she saw it as in line with his conduct during business hours. He would regularly play radio shows from local friendly bigot Bob Lonsberry loudly at his desk for everyone to hear. He once bought doughnuts for the office, but put a sign in front of them that said, “For REAL Americans only”. During meetings, Smith would regularly interrupt Native Brooklynite Lakshmi when she spoke with taunts like, “God, speak English”, or, “Maybe that’s how they do it where YOU’RE from”.

The night of the party, Smith appeared to be already inebriated when he entered the re-purposed conference room. Colleagues said he reeked of Evan Williams, and he was wearing Christmas tree costume. Upon further examination, the “costume” consisted of a green pointy hood and shiny robe, and the garland said “all lives matter”. He was not a Christmas tree at all. He was a high ranking official in a white supremacist social club, and he was ready to party.

When Smith looked around and saw the usual diverse group, he demanded to know what “they” were doing there, given the theme of “White Christmas”. He violently lost his temper when he learned that Irving Berlin, the original writer/composer of “White Christmas”, was Jewish. At this point, security guards wrestled him to the ground and shuffled him away.

“Racial insensitivity is something we take very seriously, and we will not tolerated such a blatant display, no matter how festive he looks”, Director Lance declared. “I am glad we nipped this in the bud so that we can go back to ignoring sexual harassment reports.”