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All-Glass LGBTQ+ Leather Bar & Grill to open next to Chick-Fil-A


GREECE – After the announcement of a Chick-Fill-A coming to the Rochester area, a group of private investors announced that they are breaking ground on In-n-Out-n-Proud, the first all glass LGBTQ+ leather bar and grill, 20 feet to the left of the fast food chain.  The bar will be open to everyone, regardless of sexuality, gender, race, class, or ability. Besides serving delicious dishes made from local food sources, In-n-Out-n-Proud will also hold informational and instructional classes and workshops on such subjects as gender-fluid adoptions, light BDSM, and how to make good quality signs for protesting businesses who continually fund anti-LGBT hate groups while pretending to only just be about making shitty chicken sandwiches. They project their busiest hours to coincide with Chick-Fil-A’s operating hours. Said one In-n-Out-Proud entrepreneur, “With all glass walls, passersby will get to see everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING. That means you’ll get to see our patrons enjoying their dinners and minding their goddamn business, but you can assume that some dudes are gonna kiss or something, which is also their goddamn business.”

Investors denied that the construction of this new bar is a direct response to Chick-Fil-A’s opening, a food chain that has donated tens of millions of dollars to anti-LGBT hate groups throughout the years, even though they promised to stop supporting said groups, and whose CEO officially stated that he was against same-sex marriage under the veiled excuse of “Christian causes”.

“We didn’t know that a Chick-Fil-A was opening in the area”, said one investor in In-n-Out-n-Proud. “It is also just a coincidence that our all glass bar and grill will feature make out rooms that will be lit and in direct view of the Chick-Fil-A windows.” Investors wish to remain anonymous, but also said they plan to open an adoption center for gay couples, and wedding organizer who specializes LGBTQ+ couples, and a pet store, but for people into pony and puppy play, all adjacent to, in front of, or directly behind the new Chick-Fil-A.

Chick-Fil-A could not provide a comment regarding their new neighbors, as they were too busy commemorating a statue to the Westboro Baptist church.

Academy to Re-Award Driving Miss Daisy Best Picture After “Moonlight Fiasco”


The Academy plans to unequivocally re-award Driving Miss Daisy the Academy Award for Best Picture this year, 28 years after it won it the first time, to comfort viewers that despite changes, the Academy is still a cabal of stodgy old white men who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves and their shitty old white man world view.

“We made a mistake choosing Moonlight in the first place”, explained a voter who wished to remain anonymous. “It is not normal for us to let a black guy win unless it’s about slavery or servitude, or if the role is a repugnant, like a corrupt cop or a drug dealer. We heard Moonlight was about a drug dealer, but didn’t realize it was heartwarming, so to compromise, we did the fake out with that movie about white people gentrifying jazz before we actually gave the reward to Moonlight. But now we need to make sure everyone knows we’re the same Academy they’d grown to know and love, or my name isn’t Mel Gibso-…um…’Gary’…” The anonymous Academy member then continued to autofellate himself while watching Birth of a Nation.

Though this year’s Oscars nominees are more diverse than ever since the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, The Academy wants to ensure that they are still the same Academy, hailing movies by white straight men, all while openly snubbing movies by women and people of color, unless the roles they are taking are denigrating, hence the choice for Driving Miss Daisy. It is unconventional to re-award a film that has already on, 28 years ago at that, but as the anonymous voter explained, there just were not any prominent movies that shed minorities in a bad light or made them suffer this year. “We looked very hard”, he said, “but nothing was good enough that people would not suspect anything.”

The Academy also plans to reward a series of racist Looney Tunes cartoons from the 1950s over Coco in the Best Animated Feature category.


Kodak Announces Cryptocurrency, Starts Minting Genesee Caps Dipped in Printer Toner

Rochester, NY – Well, it’s finally time. George Eastman himself announced in a press conference today that his company Kodak will begin a blockchain development team for KodakCoin. After the announcement, Kodak stock saw an impressive leap in market value. Prompting several Rochester locals to say words that haven’t been uttered in nearly a century. “Kodak doubled it’s value in one day”.

George Eastman left all of his board members in complete shock in the announcement. Not only were they looking at the completely dilapidated, fleshy corpse of George Eastman, that was selectively reanimated for the direct purpose of making the announcement. But the board members were also handed several notebooks titling buzzwords that would ignite the overwhelming rebranding of the company.

First, to gain notoriety and spread the influence of Rochester Pride, Kodak and Eastman will be teaming up with the Genesee Brew House to mint physical representations of the cryptocurrency. Even though minting physical coins completely disregards the purpose of an online blockchain, that still won’t stop the half reanimated corpse, half baboon hearted Eastman from dipping Genesee caps into printer toner to christen the software based currency notes.

There were so many questions that attendees had for Eastman. “How are you here?” For example and “My God, what monster has the devil summoned in front of me?”. Eastman quickly scuffled over these inquiries saying that his company had developed reanimation during their studies of the ‘Lazuras Effect’ in the early ninties. Rather than develop the concept for commercial use, however, Eastman noted that he does not believe the technology will catch on. “About as useful as digital cameras, or mobile phones” said the body.

Instead, Eastman noted the next big ventures for Kodak after they’ve perfected the analog cryptocurrency market. Starting with a straight to DVD Netflix special and a fidget spinner made of a pencil and cement.

Omorosa Mistaken for Michelle Obama, Fired from White House Staff


WASHINGTON – After being mistaken for Michelle Obama for the 277th time since January, former Apprentice star Omorosa Manigault-Newman was asked to resign at the White House on Wednesday, December 13th. Though she kept insisting that she is a completely different black woman all together, members of the cabinet insisted she tender her resignation, indicating that it is just “too much work” to try to tell them apart. It was reported that she was dragged out of the White House kicking and screaming, “But I’m not Michelle!”

Indeed, Omorosa is NOT Michelle. Michelle Obama is a Princeton and Harvard graduate who became an accomplished lawyer before she resigned to become First Lady of the United States. Ms. Obama is currently enjoying time with her husband, away from the limelight. Conversely, Ms. Manigault-Newman got a bachelor’s degree in Broadcast journalism and then a communications master’s degree, and when she flunked out of her PhD program, she received a biblical studies certificate at a small seminary, which is similar to setting out to be a doctor, but settling on becoming a wizard.

Ms. Manigault-Newman’s major claim to fame before being hired to the Trump administration is that she was a reality TV star, often playing the “villain” role in her appearances. . Her supervisor, John F. Kelly, did take that into account as another factor in her termination. “Look, I get that we have to have at least ONE of them in the office for PC bullshit, but I don’t want to thug in here”, said Kelly. “Also, I keep thinking she’s Michelle Obama. It’s really confusing. I mean, she looks just like her!” After pointing out that none of the Obamas have even been in Washington in the last 11 months and no longer have clearance to be in the White House, he replied by saying in a whispered tone, “Yeah, but you know those people are very sneaky.” When asked if the reading name badges they are obligated to wear at all times would help allay confusion as to who is who, he scoffed, indicating that reading is frowned upon in the office. Kelly then started berating a black custodian who passed by, mistaking her for Michelle Obama.

Omorosa is hurt by this move, partially because of the dragging, and partially because of the mistaken identity. She angrily hissed, “I look NOTHING like her! And we don’t even have the same resume! She’s done so many good things for her community and African American women. I have done nothing but thrown women and black people under the bus for my personal gain my entire life! How dare they compare me to Michelle Obama!”

Ms. Manigault-Newman’s role was Director of Communications for the Office of Public Liaison and Director of African American Outreach, which is essentially Designated Token Negro Head of Black Stuff. She thought that her job would be more secure after actual white supremacists Steve Bannon and Sebastian Gorka left the White House Staff, or as John Kelly kept affectionately calling it, his “Ku Klux Kabinet”.

“We’ve got one out of here, but even though we got rid of Michelle, we still have Carlton, so no one will think we’re racist”, Kelly proudly announced. “He keeps getting stuck in elevators, so we never see him anyway, unless Fresh Prince is on in syndication.” It is believed that Gen. Kelly was referring to Dr. Benjamin Carson, and NOT Alphonso Ribeiro, the man who played the role of Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Carson is currently the Director of Housing and Urban Development, also affectionately known in the White House as the Office of OTHER Black Stuff. When asked if they planned to fill Omorosa Manigault-Newman’s role with another black person, We had to end the interview at that point, as he could not stop dry heaving and laughing.


Former Xerox Employee Takes Company Party’s “White Christmas” Theme the Wrong Way

“That’s no tree” -Lakshmi

ROCHESTER – “There is no such thing as Confederate Claus, Frank!” That was the last thing Frank Smith heard as he was forcibly escorted out of his downtown workplace during the office holiday party. This all started when it was announced that the theme of the party would be “White Christmas”. Though the theme was a nod to the classic Irving Berlin song of the same name, Smith misinterpreted it as a call to show his true “colors”. Unfortunately, those colors were in the form of a green pointed hood.

“We should have known that there was going to be some trouble, but we did not imagine this”, HR director Susan Lance said to reporters. “When the email about the party and theme went out, his cubemates said he jumped up and yelled, ‘Finally!’, and then he leered ominously at our intern Lakshmi.” Lakshmi, for her part, had a different view of the whole incident. She was not surprised at Smith’s conduct at the party, as she saw it as in line with his conduct during business hours. He would regularly play radio shows from local friendly bigot Bob Lonsberry loudly at his desk for everyone to hear. He once bought doughnuts for the office, but put a sign in front of them that said, “For REAL Americans only”. During meetings, Smith would regularly interrupt Native Brooklynite Lakshmi when she spoke with taunts like, “God, speak English”, or, “Maybe that’s how they do it where YOU’RE from”.

The night of the party, Smith appeared to be already inebriated when he entered the re-purposed conference room. Colleagues said he reeked of Evan Williams, and he was wearing Christmas tree costume. Upon further examination, the “costume” consisted of a green pointy hood and shiny robe, and the garland said “all lives matter”. He was not a Christmas tree at all. He was a high ranking official in a white supremacist social club, and he was ready to party.

When Smith looked around and saw the usual diverse group, he demanded to know what “they” were doing there, given the theme of “White Christmas”. He violently lost his temper when he learned that Irving Berlin, the original writer/composer of “White Christmas”, was Jewish. At this point, security guards wrestled him to the ground and shuffled him away.

“Racial insensitivity is something we take very seriously, and we will not tolerated such a blatant display, no matter how festive he looks”, Director Lance declared. “I am glad we nipped this in the bud so that we can go back to ignoring sexual harassment reports.”


Rochester Gets Ready for Its 4th Quarterly Straight Pride Festival: the One With Costumes


Human Punching Bag Costume

ROCHESTER, NY – It is that fourth time of the year again: Rochester’s fourth quarterly Straight Pride Festival, this time costumes.

Straight Pride Season starts in January and runs a short 365 days through to the 31st of December. However, the first big straight pride celebration occurs the weekend of or before March 17th, when straight bros from Rochester and all neighboring cities get together to witness the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and pretend that they are Irish, no matter how Polish or Italian their names are. Celebration culminates vomiting green beer and getting into unnecessary fights.

The second straight pride festival comes two months later on Cinco de Mayo, or May the 5th. It is unknown why the Council of Bros has designated the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla as a day for straight pride, but regardless, the day is designated for straight guys to dress in culturally insensitive outfits, recite inaccurate descriptions of the holiday, vomit tequila, and get into unnecessary fights.

Park Avenue Arts Festival is widely seen in the area as the jewel of Straight Pride Season. 2/3 of Park Avenue and its tributary roads are transformed into a giant open air frat party. There is junk food and beer and liquor and blaring music everywhere. Multiple games of Cornhole and Beer Pong are available to play on nearly every corner. One fortunate year, there were pickup trucks whose beds were filled with water to turn them into makeshift wading pools. Art kiosks are put up to give the illusion of it being a family event, but the real spirit of Park Ave Fest is Peer Pong, vomiting whiskey, and unnecessary fights.

Finally, we come to Halloween. Though the obligatory Fireball shots and unnecessary fighting are observed, this time it is done with costumes. The Council of Bros has designated this straight pride festival to be the one where they can dress as their favorite superhero of movie monster while vomiting Fireball shots and getting into unnecessary fights. The irony is that they often mock cosplayers for doing so, but because of the whey protein and iridescent energy drinks they imbibe on a regular basis, the CoB is immune to claim that they are crybaby basement virgins when they dress in costume.

Women have a myriad of choices for costumes, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy Ninja Turtle”. Anything is on the table for sexualization, even childhood cartoons and inanimate objects. Putting “sexy” in front of any noun is the Rule #34 of Halloween. The night will be filled with multiple events and costume parties, where “sexy” crayons and frat Ironmen will get together to party, vomit, and unnecessarily fight.

If you are lucky, you might find someone dressed in a grotesquely inappropriate costume, such as a radio host dressed as a sexual predator, or someone who bought one of the Bags o’ Racism® available at any of the pop-up costumes stores throughout town. You may even find a person in blackface as a 1958-1986 Michael Jackson, at which point the vomiting will stop, and there will be an actual necessary fight.

Festivities will start promptly at 4:00pm on the 31st, continue through the night, and result in multiple hangovers and call-ins the following morning.

The Tragic Story of Pumpkin, the Forgotten Spice Girl


LONDON, UK – The Spice Girls, who exploded onto the pop music scene with their 1996 hit “Wannabe”, are the all-time best selling female singing group. Their popularity in the late 1990s was meteoric, and after their break-up, the individual Spice Girls went on to continue lucrative entertainment and fashion careers. It is a rare happy ending for a group that burned so hot for such a short amount of time…except for one: Pumpkin Spice, the forgotten and most hated Spice Girl.

If you loved the Spice Girls, you may have forgotten about Pumpkin Spice, or Kaylah Chienne de Base, and that is by design. Initially embraced for about a week, her popularity waned quickly, and she has since been the butt of the other Spice Girls’ jokes. The source of the sudden change in attitude toward Pumpkin Spice is not immediately known, but she thinks that there may have been influence from the other Spice Girls’ boyfriends at the time. “They were all really into mediocre comedians who had a low-key disdain for anything they thought women loved”, Kaylah told us. “Around the same time, Posh refused to wear pink anything, and Scary burned her Ugg boots.”

Pumpkin knew that she was no longer welcome in the group when all of her scenes were cut out of the Spiceworld movie. If they couldn’t cut the scene, they digitally replaced her with an inanimate box of sugar and cardamom. She did not even know about this until the premiere release of the film, and she was devastated. Chienne de Base announced her resignation from the group to not much fanfare. To this day, To this day, the other former Spice Girls will not acknowledge Pumpkin Spice’s existence or membership in the group.

In 2003, Kaylah Chienne de Base cut a deal with a popular milk bar that masquerades as a coffee shop to distribute a drink that bears her name. The Chienne de Base Latte is a cup of steamed milk blended with 2 pounds of sugar and a spritz of coffee. At first the CBL, as it was nicknamed, was extremely popular. To this day, it is simultaneously the most popular and hated seasonal drink at milk bars around the country. Unfortunately, Kaylah Chienne de Base is not reaping the benefits of profits from the CBL. Due to a shady contract, not only has the milk bar not paid her for use of her name, but other companies, from milk bars to scented candle makers to even hummus and cheese companies, are using her name and the stylized flavor with impunity. One company even used the names of her dogs, Lemon and Lulu, to sell a new pair of black translucent tights that they peddle as pants called Basic Britches®.

Kaylah Chienne de Base, however, is broke. She was last seen rummaging through the trash of the popular milk bar. She was salvaging the discarded remains of her signature drink. She mixes it with street narcotics to make a substance she calls “cinnameth”. She claimed it was the only thing to make her forget the bad times.

As of this report, Pumpkin Spice cannot be found. She does tend to disappear near the end of the year, worrying very few people, but she returns at the beginning of autumn on a raging cinnameth bender that affects nearly the entire world.


Rochester Local Excited To Become 51st Person Randomly Searched By Police At Puerto Rican Festival

Rochester, NY – As the Puerto Rican Festival is underway, attendants are very thrilled with the overwhelming police presence. Over the past several years, it would take hours, sometimes days, for the officers to question and search each attendee. One member of the proud PR community, Jonnie Reyes was happy that he was detained and searched only a short 2 hours after entering the festival.

“Typically we can’t start really having fun until the police are comfortable and have searched everyone.” Jonnie, a 35 year old Monroe High School Graduate and  ten year Puertorican Festival goer. “Last year my family and I weren’t even questioned on the first day. So we had to make the return trip the next day to make sure Officer Broman knew we were “One of the good ones” as he would say to us. We love making sure white people feel safe around anything that they aren’t use too.”

Due to the increased police support at this years festival, searchings and residential inquiries were over by the 2pm on the second day of the festival. Rochester Police officers felt comfortable and welcomed by the community. Only 3 meetings were scheduled to remind officers that Puerto Ricans are US citizens.

Rochester Restaurants Change The Name Of Garbage Plates To Red Wings To Distance Themselves From Baseball Team

Rochester,NY- “The West Coast of New York” – If you haven’t learned about Rochester’s new amazing decision. The people in charge of making this decision, made this decision. To help promote the cities finest cuisine (albeit the best damn thing you could ever put in your mouth with your clothes on) the Rochester Red Wings will be changing their baseball team name to the Rochester Plates. At least have the pride to take ownership in the authentic rich heritage in calling the Garbage Plate a reduction of its identity.

Shocked by the decision to change this conglomerate of the sports industry into the heart and soul of your dear, (albeit, i’m defending the word ‘garbage’) town. WE ARE GARBAGE AND WE ARE PROUD. In solidarity, Restaurants all across the city will be changing the title ‘Garbage Plates’ on all of their menus into ‘Rochester Red Wings” to both distance the brand from the team, and remind them that they are garbage simultaneously.

But real quick good game against Pawtucket. I don’t remember a lot of the game but at least I can look forward to barfing on a Garbage Plate both literally and on the embroidery of the shirt I wish I wasn’t going to buy but am still glad I did.


Brendan Vize is a one time contributor to “The Inner Loop” blog and we will be replacing him as soon as humanly possibly.

Vladimir Putin Caught Illegally Downloading Inauguration; Immediately Pardoned

St. Petersburg, USA – The GOP is fighting strongly against allegations that President Donald J. Trump has offered a pardon to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Putin was identified in a multinational downloading scheme. There, his username was confirmed to be “BackInTheUSSA” citing the hit The Beatles record that Putin is on record saying “I love that song [Back in the USSR] because it remind me of childhood. Its also kind of pun on my username on internets.”

Sources claim there have been no reports that Putin would face any disciplinary sentencing, but no one told that to President Donald J Trump. The newly inaugurated President took to the streets shortly after hearing the news. Wearing only his Presidential Onesie that Melania lovingly stitched “Unimpeachable” along the ass. He managed to climb up to the host stand of The White House Bar and Grill and proclaimed “My first act as President will be to pardon ol’ Putty for whatever thing he just told me to do.”

The President then denied reporters and passersby the chance to ask questions saying, “that’s all I want to do tonight. I have a new job on Monday.”