Brighton, NY – Wednesday evening, a Zamboni burst into flames on an ice rink in Brighton after a youth hockey practice. The unusual occurrence has taken the nation by storm, and the Zamboni has become so popular that it is now polling at 6% in the 2020 presidential race.
If the Zamboni can keep this kind of momentum up until the election, it could drastically alter the outcome, and possibly even win. Many voters have been waiting for a candidate to emerge who has never been accused of sexual assault.
Rochester, NY – Last week, news broke that Mayor Lovely Warren had been indicted in felony campaign finance fraud. The city of Rochester was shook to its core, for the most part. However, those who do not know what the word “indicted” means were unsure what to think, or how to feel.
“I mean, I guess it could be a good thing,” Rochester resident Kurt Halford told an Inner Loop reporter. “But it could also be a bad thing. Lovely Warren seems like a bad seed, and if being indicted is a bad thing, that’s good for the city. And vice versa. So my feelings depend on whether or not being indicted is a good thing or bad thing. All I know is Lovely Warren sucks, go Bills!”
Rochester, NY – With the selection of Kamala Harris as Joe Biden’s running mate, the birther movement, which was born and popularized during the Obama administration, has come back into the spotlight. Birthers all over America are now making claims that Harris was not born in the U.S., and therefore would not be eligible to become president.
The movement has gained traction on a local scale, as well. Birthers in the Rochester area, most of whom aren’t from the actual city, have begun accusing Mayor Lovely Warren of being born in Syracuse.
“I just want to see her birth certificate,” said Cindy Evans, of Macedon. “Because if she was born in Syracuse, she’s not allowed to be Mayor of our city.” The Inner Loop has obtained a copy of the Mayor’s birth certificate, confirming she is from Rochester. Also, even if she were from Syracuse, she would still be eligible to be Mayor of Rochester.
When presented with the new information, Evans doubled down, saying “That’s just what the liberal media wants you to think. You workin’ for CNN or something?”
Webster, NY – Toby Lockhart is a 2020 graduate of St. John Fisher College, where he majored in Media Management. He would like to wait until the pandemic is a bit more under control before he begins applying for jobs in his field. His father Dave, however, has different plans.
“Paychex is hiring. I’ve been telling Toby to fill out an application since June, but he still hasn’t,” Dave told an Inner Loop reporter. “I keep telling him that employers don’t like to see gaps in your employment history, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps playing Sonic or whatever on PlayStation.”
“Why would I work at Paychex?” Toby asked an Inner Loop reporter, rhetorically. “I didn’t even study that stuff. Why even go to college if you’re just going to do something that has nothing to do with your major?”
“He needs to get out there, show up at the office, and tell the manager he would love to work at Paychex,” said Dave. “That’s how you land a job. Even if it’s just an entry-level position that pays minimum wage, he can always work his way up the ladder.”
Irondequoit, NY – Every summer, Irondequoit Bay is packed with intoxicated boaters. For most, it’s understood that if you go boating on the bay, you do it drunk. That wasn’t the case for Sam Finch this past Saturday, however.
“I saw this boat pass us, obeying all the boating regulations. It looked suspicious, so we pulled up next to it,” said Monroe County Deputy, Tim Haskins. “I looked into the driver’s eyes, and they were clear – not glassy at all. I asked, “Have you had anything to drink?” To which the driver replied, “I’ve had like three or four beers.” I didn’t believe him, though, so I gave him a breathalyzer, and as I suspected, it turned out he had not had anything to drink.”
“I don’t know what got into me,” Finch told an Inner Loop reporter. “I should have chugged some of that Tequila my friend offered.”
“I was going to arrest him, but then he shotgunned a Genny right in front of me, so I let him off with a ticket,” said Haskins. “But next time I’m taking him downtown.”
Rochester, NY – There has been a great deal of news coverage lately devoted to police in unmarked vehicles arresting peaceful protesters in Portland, Oregon. Now, it appears this phenomenon has made its way to Portland Avenue. Except it is not protesters who are being detained: it’s pastries.
According to several witnesses, on Wednesday, July 22nd, two unmarked vans pulled up to Ridge Donut Cafe. Eight men exited the vans in full riot gear, entered the restaurant, and put what according to the owner was a thousand dollars worth of donuts, cookies, and brownies into pillow cases, then sped off without saying a word.
“It’s not fair, man. These donuts have rights,” witness Chris Richardson told an Inner Loop reporter. “America is descending into Fascism right before our eyes. Free the donuts!”
Another witness, Ben Phillips, feels quite differently. “These pastries are no good. I mean, they’re delicious, but they give people this sugar rush that makes them go crazy. I say arrest them all. Trump 2020!”
The Inner Loop tried to interview an FBI agent outside of their Rochester office, but he refused to comment. We did ask him about the white powder below his nose, to which he claimed, “That’s not sugar, don’t be ridiculous. That’s just cocaine, you silly goose.”
Rochester, NY – It was announced recently that Kodak would be receiving a $765 million government loan to help produce generic drugs. Some experts estimated that this would help create over 300 jobs in the Rochester area.
Things took a bleak turn today, however, when Pfizer declared that it had invented digital drugs. Kodak’s stock plummeted as the announcement was made. The news hit Wayne County resident Travis Walters particularly hard.
“It sucks, man. I thought this could be my big break, but now it seems to be dead on arrival,” Walters told an Inner Loop reporter. “Looks like I’ll just have to keep cooking meth, and make the move to digital soon.”
Buffalo, NY – On Friday, July 24th, it became official that the Toronto Blue Jays would be playing the majority of their 2020 home games at Sahlen Field in Buffalo. Although the games will be played without people in the stands, the Buffalo sports fans made their presence felt at the airport by throwing dildos at the Blue Jays players as they exited the team’s plane.
“It’s not an ideal situation,” said die hard Buffalo sports fan, Jim Groves. “Usually we like to throw dildos onto the actual field, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We just wanted to give these guys the proper Buffalo greeting, so they know they’re appreciated here. Let’s go, Buffalo!”
At press time, Blue Jays third basemen Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is being treated at Mercy Hospital of Buffalo for a corneal abrasion resulting from a dildo strike to the eye.
Canandaigua, NY – A few days ago, Roseland Waterpark announced it was closing for the season. This was devastating to many children in the area, and also 42-year-old Gates resident, Ted Sanford.
“It’s terrible. I go there multiple times every year,” a teary-eyed Sanford told an Inner Loop reporter. “It’s my only escape from crippling depression and alcoholism brought on by three divorces. But if these big shot waterpark owners think their bogus rules are going to stop me from taking a steamy piss in the lazy river, they’ve got another thing coming.”
At press time, Sanford is preparing for his trip to Roseland by urinating in his neighbor’s pool.
Rochester, NY – Sunday afternoon, Black Lives Matter protestors took over a section of 490 to draw attention to police brutality. Although the protest did not interfere with those working traditional nine-to-five jobs, the situation turned out to be a major inconvenience for Larry Grovins of Victor.
“Every Sunday afternoon I visit my mistress, Tammy, in Churchville,” Grovins told an Inner Loop reporter. “It’s the only time I get away from my family, other than my job, and when I decide to go to the bar. It sucked because I had to take an alternate route, and by the time I got there, Tammy had taken too much Xanax and passed out. In other words, Black Lives Matter ****blocked me, and that’s why I don’t like them.”
At press time, Grovins is at his favorite watering hole wearing an “All Lives Matter” T-shirt, and looking for an East sider to cheat with, so he can avoid further ****blocking by protestors.