Rochester, NY – Last Saturday, history was made on the Rochester bar scene. Lindsay Reese spent all day drinking on East and Alexander, and by closing time had not lost anything.
“It was amazing, from what I remember,” said Lindsay’s friend, Chloe Tanner. “I lost my phone in the early afternoon at Locals Only, then Heather lost her wallet at some point, and Rachel was missing a shoe when we woke up the next morning, but Lindsay had everything. No one could believe it, including Lindsay.”
“I usually lose at least an earring when I drink all day,” said Lindsay. “I don’t know what got into me Saturday, I was completely wasted, but I guess I brought my A-Game.”
We asked Lindsay “What’s next?” She replied with a smile, “Same old stuff. Going to get sloshed with my besties on E and A again this weekend, and hopefully not lose anything.”
At press time, Lindsay is drunk at her nephew’s eighth birthday party. Her mother is trying to convince her to start going to AA meetings, but Lindsay just keeps saying “Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
Rochester, NY – If you lived in Rochester from 1990-2014, you probably remember the “Ten Ugly Men” Festival, which was abruptly cancelled in 2015. This left many Rochesterians disappointed, but the good news is that the festival will return with a hot new twist.
Most readers likely recall the hit video from 2007, “Two Girls, One Cup.” The film took the world by storm, and shaped who we are today as a society. Next year, you can see a live reenactment of Marco Antônio Fiorito’s masterpiece, except with ten dudes.
“It should be a lot of fun,” said Jerry Deller, one of the ugly men. “It will be just like the original festival, but with way more vomit and poop. We really want to reach out to millennials, and help them relive the experience that ruined their teen years.”
At press time, the Ten Ugly Men are rehearsing at Geva Theatre. You can catch them, and their disgusting shenanigans on July 30th and 31st of next year at Genesee Valley Park.
Irondequoit, NY – Since March, life as Rochesterians once knew it changed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Cancellations have been rampant and will continue into the summer. Many Irondequoit residents are upset about their Fourth of July parade being canceled. Earlier today, however, Irondequoit Town Supervisor, Dave Seeley, made an announcement that may help ease their frustration.
“In lieu of the Fourth of July parade, a line of cars will be driving down Titus Avenue, with occupants throwing garbage out of the windows,” Seeley told the local press. “I realize the parade has been a long-standing tradition, but the “Trash Caravan,” as we are calling it, will be a worthy replacement, and also culturally significant to Irondequoit.”
You can catch the Trash Caravan on Saturday, July fourth from 10:00 AM until noon, and probably most other days, on Titus Avenue in Irondequoit.
Rochester, NY – With the reopening process underway around the Finger Lakes region, it is still unclear when, or if, the Rochester Red Wings will play a 2020 season. Many fans are upset, but the uncertainty has been particularly hard on Dave Martin.
“I really miss going to games with my son,” Martin said, right before shotgunning a Genny. “I don’t get to see him a lot since his mom and I got divorced, and those games have always been special for us.”
Martin’s son, Corey, sees things a little differently. “My dad just gets wasted and harasses the other teams’ pitchers in the bullpen. We end up getting kicked out most of the time, and last year he got a DWI on the way home.”
Dave is remaining optimistic, despite grim predictions from experts. “I hope and pray that a month from now, Corey will be shaking me awake for the seventh inning stretch. I love baseball, I love my son, and I love cold beer.”
Rochester, NY – Since the death of George Floyd, there have been numerous protests in Rochester, during some of which the police have been accused of inciting violence. Public opinion of cops is at an all-time low, but the RPD is hoping to change that by holding a “meet and beat” next Saturday.
“It’s going to be a blast,” said officer Ted McGilny, gripping a baton in one hand, and tapping it into the other. “We’re going to show people despite all the turmoil, that together, we can still beat the **** out of crime, hence the name “meet and beat.”” McGilny has one of the best reputations on the force, with only one kill to his name, and he’s quick to tell people “that guy was taking forever to grab his ID.”
You can rub elbows with McGilny, and many more of Rochester’s finest, next Saturday, at 3:00. Liberty Pole. Be there.
Rochester, NY – As reported by multiple local news outlets, there has been a coronavirus outbreak in Rochester that can be traced back to Dragonfly Tavern on Park Avenue. What the press has been neglecting to report, however, is the abysmal dining experience that COVID-19 had at Dragonfly.
COVID-19 left Dragonfly a one-star Yelp review, along with some scathing comments:
“I ordered a rum and coke that was brought to me by a smelly white man with dreadlocks. I took a sip, and I might as well have been drinking chilled urine. Then it was time for appetizers, and the garlic knots tasted like they were deep fried in diarrhea. I don’t know why, but I stuck around for the entree – the “Dragon Burger,” which appeared to be made from the ground testicles of actual dragons. The only upside was the hot bartender there. I can assure you, though, I will not be back.”
We have yet to reach Dragonfly for comment, but a reliable source told The Inner Loop that owner Rob Henderson has offered COVID-19 a full refund, $50 gift card, and a place to stay, which is actually just the hot bartender.
Rochester, NY – Fuego Coffee Roasters recently announced that they will no longer be offering free coffee to members of the Rochester Police Department, and instead will be extending the offer to Rochester City School District teachers. The shift in policy did not sit well with some, including Penfield resident, Tom Haskins.
“Who do they think they are?” Haskins asked an Inner Loop reporter. “The RPD keeps Rochester streets clean and safe. They’re the reason that crime is so rare in the city. Teachers suck. How many people has the RCSD arrested? None. That’s how many. I will no longer be frequenting Fuego.”
When asked if he’s ever been to Fuego, Haskins replied “No, but there’s a first time for everything. If they continued to accommodate our boys in blue, I would have totally gone, like tomorrow. Not anymore, though.”
At press time, Haskins is drinking a steamy cup of Starbucks coffee. According to Haskins, “It tastes like toilet water, but at least they lick boots… I mean, respect the police, like me.”
Farmington, NY – Lovely Warren announced Thursday that she will be seeking re-election in the 2021 Rochester mayoral race. Her decision has been met with mixed feelings from people around the area, but none angrier than Greg Davidson.
Davidson, a 61-year-old Farmington resident, and apparent fishing enthusiast, has been vocal on Facebook about his disdain for Mayor Warren. “She’s destroying the city,” said Davidson, who is holding a 95 pound king salmon in his default picture. “She’s terrible. She’s a disgrace to the office.”
Without offering any critique on Warren’s policies, Davidson went on a tirade, riddled with misinformation and grammatical errors, in the comments section of a Democrat and Chronicle article. When asked why he cares so much about the mayor of Rochester, seeing as he lives 20 miles away from the city, Davidson replied “I have a second cousin who lives in Irondequoit, and that’s a lot closer.”
At press time, Davidson has taken a break from online activism to harass Leticia Astacio with a troll account.
Williamson, NY – The Wayne County Sheriff’s Office arrested an alleged prostitute over the weekend during a sting operation. Molly Jennings, of East Williamson, was taken into custody at approximately 11 PM on Saturday, but released shortly after, on account of her being a goat.
“It’s terrible. We have these farm animals roaming all over the county, seducing men with their eyes, offering sex in exchange for grains,” said Sheriff Barry Virts. “It has to stop. We need to start charging these animals just like we do humans.”
However, many in the area feel that prostitution should be legalized, since it is a victimless crime. We asked Ms. Jennings for her thoughts, to which she replied “bahhhhh.”
“How do you expect a man to not be turned on by a naked goat walking around, genitals on display for the world to see?” asked Virts. “I mean, I’m more of a sheep guy myself, but you best believe I’m also attracted to goats.”
At press time, Sheriff Virts has drafted legislation requiring all farm animals to wear pants in public.
Rochester, NY – With tensions at an all-time high, the Rochester Police Department has announced that before pepper-spraying a peaceful protestor, they will offer an option for Boss Sauce flavor.
“I think this is a move that can bring all members of the community together,” said RPD Chief, La’Ron Singletary. “I mean, we could just stop spraying peaceful protestors altogether, but why do that when you can support a local business?”
The Innerloop sat down with Boss Sauce CEO Mark Walters, who said “I want nothing to do with this. It sounds like a PR disaster… but they threatened to hit me with batons if I didn’t.”
When asked, “Where do you go from here?” Singletary said, “Our next move is to offer rubber bullets shaped like Zweigle’s hot dogs.”