All posts by Andy Kuhn

Webster Hero Repairs Vandalized Stone Penis In Bay Bridge Garden

Webster, NY – When Shelby Leighton rang up a young man at Home Depot, she assumed he was going to vandalize something because he was purchasing a bag of stone and spray paint. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

In a now-viral Facebook post, Shelby stated:

“I thought he was up to no good, so I asked him what he was doing, to which he replied “I’m on a mission.” I asked him what kind of mission, and he said “I’m going to repair the stone penis in the Bay Bridge garden that some jerks vandalized.” As he was walking away, I saw the back of his shirt. It said, “suck my penis, I’ll suck your ass.” To the parents of this young hero, you are doing a heck of a job.

“Anal Days” Set To Commence Tomorrow In Fairport, According To Vandalized Sign

Perinton, NY – With the pandemic coming to an end, people are eager to get out and do the things they used to do – whether it be going to concerts, festivals, or in the case of Fairport, Anal Days.

A sign advertising “Anal Days” was found outside the Perinton Wegmans today, which is set to commence in Fairport tomorrow. The sign had some minor damage likely caused by vandals around the edge, but everything else looked fine.

If you’re over 18 and in Fairport this weekend, check out Anal Days, and be sure to bring lube.

Police Search Adam Bello’s House, Seize D.A.R.E Shirts

Rochester, NY – Monroe County residents were stunned this morning after reports emerged that New York State police executed a search warrant on Supervisor Adam Bello’s house, which yielded some unsettling findings.

“He had 123 D.A.R.E. shirts hidden underneath the floor boards of his kitchen,” State Trooper Tim Hunt told an Inner Loop reporter. “Each shirt goes for two, maybe three dollars on the street, so we got ourselves a $50,000 bust on our hands.”

Bello is cold get three to five years in state prison for possession with intent to distribute misleading propaganda.

When asked why the shirts were confiscated, Hunt said “We don’t need our county supervisor lying to kids about drugs. That’s our job.”

Rochester Grandma Will Still Require You To Eat If You Want A Drink At Her House

Rochester, NY – Local bars and restaurants are rejoicing now that Governor Cuomo has lifted the restriction that patrons must buy food with drinks. It is a move that may save many small businesses, and be a blessing to the economy. However, in 82-year-old Chloris Watt’s house, that rule doesn’t apply

“Everyone who comes overlooks too thin, especially all my grandchildren,” Watt told an Inner Loop reporter. “I don’t know what kids are eating these days, but whatever it is, it isn’t enough. Anyone who comes into my house looking for water won’t get it until they have a homemade cookie, a slice of pie, or leftover lasagna.”

At press time, Watt is watching The Price is Right. “That Drew Carey is cute, but he’s no Bob Barker.”

Cuomo Promises To Only Sexually Harass Family Members From Now On

Albany, NY – It has been a rough few weeks for New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. After he was caught lying about the number of New York residents in nursing homes who had died from COVID-19, a slew of sexual harassment allegations came to light. Many New Yorkers think the Governor should resign. Cuomo, however, seems ready to turn over a new leaf.

“Look, I know I did wrong, but I’m going to make major changes,” the Governor told an Inner Loop reporter. “From now on, I will only sexually harass family. Like my sister, Margaret, who is an intelligent, sweet woman, and also has a really sweet tushy. Then there’s my brother, Chris, who I really enjoy doing interviews with, and has a set of abs on him that won’t quit.”

Construction On “Rush Limbaugh International Airport” To Begin In East Rochester Next Week

East Rochester, NY – Earlier this week, conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh passed away after a battle with lung cancer. This prompted mixed reactions from Americans, many of whom were grateful for his death. Limbaugh was seen by many as a bigoted troll, but in East Rochester, he was a hero – a hero apparently worthy of his own airport.

“If Frederick Douglass gets his own airport, Rush should too,” East Rochester resident Sam Rosier told an Inner Loop reporter. “He spoke to people like me – people who aren’t racist or homophobic, but also aren’t crazy about gays or minorities.”

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with East Rochester Mayor Jim Anderson, who confirmed that construction on an airport bearing Limbaugh’s name will commence next week. “People visiting the area deserve the option to land at an airport not named after a black guy,” Anderson told an Inner Loop reporter.

Winter Storm Decides to Move South After Hearing Bunch of Bad Stuff About Cuomo

Rochester, NY – Yesterday, Western New York was bracing itself for the storm of the century. Mother Nature was expected to drop 18 inches of snow across the region. This morning, however, Rochesterians were underwhelmed to find four inches of cold white powder, leaving them wondering what happened to the “monster” storm local meteorologists had been calling for.

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with the storm, which has settled in North Carolina. We asked the storm why it had decided to move South, to which it replied “I just wasn’t happy with a lot of the stuff I was hearing about Governor Cuomo. Between fudging those numbers at nursing homes, and crippling small businesses, I just figured I’d be happier elsewhere.”

At press time, the storm is commenting about how much New York State sucks under a D&C article.

German House Invades Polish American Club

Rochester, NY – Yesterday is a day that will live in infamy. At approximately 4:00 PM, German House forces drunkenly invaded the Polish American Club.

We could not reach the Polish American Club president, Stanislaw Patrikowski, for comment because he was too busy cooking pierogies. We at The Inner Loop, however, assume he is not cool with the goings-on.

The Inner Loop was able to sit down with German House owner, Hans Merkel, who said “Gugenheimen lasch jorgendoggen thock trachtenhorden!!!!!” which translates to “The Fourth Reich will take control of Rochester, and there is no better place to start with than with the PAC!!!!!”

Mayor Warren said she is planning an air strike on the German House for noon tomorrow, but is hoping that everyone will sober up and go home by then.

Knighthawks Captain Excited to Earn “Real Money” as Uber Driver Following Season Cancellation

Rochester, NY – It was announced Wednesday that the Rochester Knighthawks’ season has been canceled. This was a huge disappointment for local alcoholics who attend the games, but actually a welcomed surprise for the players.

“What a relief. I was worried RG&E was going to shut off my electric again, but now it looks like I’ll be able to make some real money,” Knighthawks captain Spencer Carmichael told an Inner Loop reporter. “I mean, the K-Hawks salary pays for gas to and from Blue Cross Arena, but I heard as an Uber driver you can make 200, even 250 dollars a week.”

Bills Mafia Indicted on RICO Charges

Buffalo, NY – After a 17-3 win over the Baltimore Ravens, the Buffalo Bills will be advancing to their first AFC championship game since 1994. The victory was sweet, but the celebration was cut short when Bills Mafia boss Angelo Fraggaloni was indicted on RICO charges.

Details are still emerging, but according to Erie County District Attorney John Flynn, Fraggaloni was engaged in “some really grimy sh*t.” Fraggaloni, known among friends as “The Table Crusher,” “Angie Arms,” and “Fraggaloni Rock,” was eating wings at Anchor Bar when he was tackled by FBI agents and taken into custody. The Inner Loop will be providing updates on this developing story.