Rochester, NY – Everyone knows that AltBar produces events for sober people, sober-curious people, athletes, and douchebags who think they’re better than you, but what about eligible bachelors who are tired of talking to drunk women at bars? The answer is, “absolutely.” We went to an AltBar event at an undisclosed location where we caught up with one of these grade A studs.
“Drunk chicks ramble on and on about bullshit, bro, it’s like “We gonna f*ck, or nah?”” Colby Rogers told an Innerloop reporter. “They can’t hold their booze and just talk about bullsh*t like climate change. I’m done with drunk chicks. So tonight I decided to shotgun ten beers at home and meet some sober babes here… You have a Marb Light, bro? Or a garbage plate?”
Later that night, Rogers was kicked out of the event for trying to sneak a piss under the bar. The Innerloop has not received word about whether or not he smashed.
East Rochester, NY – Don Frost always had dreams of being a comedian. He assumed they weren’t feasible because nobody would laugh at any of his jokes, so he decided to get into property management instead. However, after losing his job and marriage due to photos emerging of him exposing his genitals at the January 6th Capitol riots, Don has renewed hope. He has taken his comedy game in a new direction.
“It’s funny, because what I’m really saying is “F*ck Joe Biden,” Don said of his fresh new bit where he comments “Let’s go Brandon” below literally every article posted by the Democrat & Chronicle. “But only smart people know that. Yesterday one of my comments got two laugh reactions – one from a guy with an eagle wearing an American flag thong as his default pic, and one from a guy standing next to a deer he just killed with an AK-47, and I thought “these are my people right here.””
At press time, Don is waiting for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to respond to his “You up?” DM.
Monroe County, NY – Incumbent Todd Baxter won big in the Monroe County Sheriff’s race on Election Day. Although he ran unopposed, Baxter was still pretty proud of himself, and celebrated well into the morning hours, downing an entire gallon of whole milk in the process. The Innerloop caught up with a lethargic, glassy-eyed Baxter in his home this morning to get his thoughts.
“The win feels great, but physically, this is worse than the time I devoured a whole blooming onion to my dome piece,” said Baxter, before sprinting to the bathroom.
Our reporter waited an hour for Baxter to return, then decided to leave after becoming uncomfortable when Mrs. Baxter wanted to discuss critical race theory.
Rochester, NY – Malik Evans ran unopposed in today’s election, but not all city residents are ready to accept him as the new Mayor. One of those residents is Blaine Davenport of the South Wedge.
“I was super bummed that Howie Hawkins wasn’t running this year,” said Davenport, before taking a long drag of his Signal Cigarette. “I’m not prepared to let a fascist white supremacist like Malik Evans just take over the city without putting up a fight, so I wrote in “Soy Chai Latte.” I know it’s a long shot, but I’m not a conformist just because I’m a suburban-born white kid. F*ck white people, bro. ACAB.”
At press time, Davenport is oiling the chain on his unicycle, or something weird like that.
Rochester, N.Y. – Last month, 26 people were arrested in connection with one of the biggest drug busts this year in Rochester. Six kilos of cocaine and Fentanyl were taken off the streets after a search was conducted by the Rochester Police Department that spanned 28 locations. “This is a really, really, really, really, really big deal,” said David Smith, who recently began his new position as RPD Chief.
Many of you might be wondering what happens to the drugs seized by the RPD. Typically they are taken for personal use by officers, but this time Smith wants to try something different. “We’re going to sell them at auction and use the money to buy a new tank,” said Smith. “I mean, we’ll probably keep like a kilo for ourselves, but the rest will be going toward a good cause – a tank. A really bad ass tank we can use to blow stuff up.”
Webster, NY – When Shelby Leighton rang up a young man at Home Depot, she assumed he was going to vandalize something because he was purchasing a bag of stone and spray paint. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
In a now-viral Facebook post, Shelby stated:
“I thought he was up to no good, so I asked him what he was doing, to which he replied “I’m on a mission.” I asked him what kind of mission, and he said “I’m going to repair the stone penis in the Bay Bridge garden that some jerks vandalized.” As he was walking away, I saw the back of his shirt. It said, “suck my penis, I’ll suck your ass.” To the parents of this young hero, you are doing a heck of a job.
Perinton, NY – With the pandemic coming to an end, people are eager to get out and do the things they used to do – whether it be going to concerts, festivals, or in the case of Fairport, Anal Days.
A sign advertising “Anal Days” was found outside the Perinton Wegmans today, which is set to commence in Fairport tomorrow. The sign had some minor damage likely caused by vandals around the edge, but everything else looked fine.
If you’re over 18 and in Fairport this weekend, check out Anal Days, and be sure to bring lube.
Rochester, NY – Monroe County residents were stunned this morning after reports emerged that New York State police executed a search warrant on Supervisor Adam Bello’s house, which yielded some unsettling findings.
“He had 123 D.A.R.E. shirts hidden underneath the floor boards of his kitchen,” State Trooper Tim Hunt told an Inner Loop reporter. “Each shirt goes for two, maybe three dollars on the street, so we got ourselves a $50,000 bust on our hands.”
Bello is cold get three to five years in state prison for possession with intent to distribute misleading propaganda.
When asked why the shirts were confiscated, Hunt said “We don’t need our county supervisor lying to kids about drugs. That’s our job.”
Rochester, NY – Local bars and restaurants are rejoicing now that Governor Cuomo has lifted the restriction that patrons must buy food with drinks. It is a move that may save many small businesses, and be a blessing to the economy. However, in 82-year-old Chloris Watt’s house, that rule doesn’t apply
“Everyone who comes overlooks too thin, especially all my grandchildren,” Watt told an Inner Loop reporter. “I don’t know what kids are eating these days, but whatever it is, it isn’t enough. Anyone who comes into my house looking for water won’t get it until they have a homemade cookie, a slice of pie, or leftover lasagna.”
At press time, Watt is watching The Price is Right. “That Drew Carey is cute, but he’s no Bob Barker.”
Albany, NY – It has been a rough few weeks for New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. After he was caught lying about the number of New York residents in nursing homes who had died from COVID-19, a slew of sexual harassment allegations came to light. Many New Yorkers think the Governor should resign. Cuomo, however, seems ready to turn over a new leaf.
“Look, I know I did wrong, but I’m going to make major changes,” the Governor told an Inner Loop reporter. “From now on, I will only sexually harass family. Like my sister, Margaret, who is an intelligent, sweet woman, and also has a really sweet tushy. Then there’s my brother, Chris, who I really enjoy doing interviews with, and has a set of abs on him that won’t quit.”