Albany, NY – It has been a rough few weeks for New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. After he was caught lying about the number of New York residents in nursing homes who had died from COVID-19, a slew of sexual harassment allegations came to light. Many New Yorkers think the Governor should resign. Cuomo, however, seems ready to turn over a new leaf.
“Look, I know I did wrong, but I’m going to make major changes,” the Governor told an Inner Loop reporter. “From now on, I will only sexually harass family. Like my sister, Margaret, who is an intelligent, sweet woman, and also has a really sweet tushy. Then there’s my brother, Chris, who I really enjoy doing interviews with, and has a set of abs on him that won’t quit.”
East Rochester, NY – Earlier this week, conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh passed away after a battle with lung cancer. This prompted mixed reactions from Americans, many of whom were grateful for his death. Limbaugh was seen by many as a bigoted troll, but in East Rochester, he was a hero – a hero apparently worthy of his own airport.
“If Frederick Douglass gets his own airport, Rush should too,” East Rochester resident Sam Rosier told an Inner Loop reporter. “He spoke to people like me – people who aren’t racist or homophobic, but also aren’t crazy about gays or minorities.”
The Inner Loop was able to catch up with East Rochester Mayor Jim Anderson, who confirmed that construction on an airport bearing Limbaugh’s name will commence next week. “People visiting the area deserve the option to land at an airport not named after a black guy,” Anderson told an Inner Loop reporter.
Rochester, NY – Yesterday, Western New York was bracing itself for the storm of the century. Mother Nature was expected to drop 18 inches of snow across the region. This morning, however, Rochesterians were underwhelmed to find four inches of cold white powder, leaving them wondering what happened to the “monster” storm local meteorologists had been calling for.
The Inner Loop was able to catch up with the storm, which has settled in North Carolina. We asked the storm why it had decided to move South, to which it replied “I just wasn’t happy with a lot of the stuff I was hearing about Governor Cuomo. Between fudging those numbers at nursing homes, and crippling small businesses, I just figured I’d be happier elsewhere.”
At press time, the storm is commenting about how much New York State sucks under a D&C article.
Rochester, NY – Yesterday is a day that will live in infamy. At approximately 4:00 PM, German House forces drunkenly invaded the Polish American Club.
We could not reach the Polish American Club president, Stanislaw Patrikowski, for comment because he was too busy cooking pierogies. We at The Inner Loop, however, assume he is not cool with the goings-on.
The Inner Loop was able to sit down with German House owner, Hans Merkel, who said “Gugenheimen lasch jorgendoggen thock trachtenhorden!!!!!” which translates to “The Fourth Reich will take control of Rochester, and there is no better place to start with than with the PAC!!!!!”
Mayor Warren said she is planning an air strike on the German House for noon tomorrow, but is hoping that everyone will sober up and go home by then.
Rochester, NY – It was announced Wednesday that the Rochester Knighthawks’ season has been canceled. This was a huge disappointment for local alcoholics who attend the games, but actually a welcomed surprise for the players.
“What a relief. I was worried RG&E was going to shut off my electric again, but now it looks like I’ll be able to make some real money,” Knighthawks captain Spencer Carmichael told an Inner Loop reporter. “I mean, the K-Hawks salary pays for gas to and from Blue Cross Arena, but I heard as an Uber driver you can make 200, even 250 dollars a week.”
Buffalo, NY – After a 17-3 win over the Baltimore Ravens, the Buffalo Bills will be advancing to their first AFC championship game since 1994. The victory was sweet, but the celebration was cut short when Bills Mafia boss Angelo Fraggaloni was indicted on RICO charges.
Details are still emerging, but according to Erie County District Attorney John Flynn, Fraggaloni was engaged in “some really grimy sh*t.” Fraggaloni, known among friends as “The Table Crusher,” “Angie Arms,” and “Fraggaloni Rock,” was eating wings at Anchor Bar when he was tackled by FBI agents and taken into custody. The Inner Loop will be providing updates on this developing story.
Buffalo, NY – For the first time this century, the Buffalo Bills will be hosting a playoff game. Only 6,700 tickets were available, and those sold within 24 hours. One of the lucky fans who will be in attendance is Brett Dellinger of Batavia.
“I can’t wait! I wanted to go with my neighbor who grew up in Indy and is a Colts fan, but he decided to get his own set of tickets away from me,” said Dellinger, who has been a Bills fan since he was in diapers.
“He actually got better seats than me. He’s twenty rows down from where I’m at, which sucks, because it will be really hard to dump beer on him when the Bills score,” Dellinger went on to say. “Luckily I have a really strong arm. I mean, not Josh Allen strong, but strong enough to throw a beer down twenty rows and give that mother f*cker a nice little shower. I’m tired of him leaving his dog’s sh*t in my yard anyway. Let’s go, Buff-a-lo!”
Greece, NY – This year, the Times Square Ball will drop in front of the smallest crowd ever. Every year since 1907, the ball has dropped at midnight to ring in the new year – a tradition that Greece resident Jake Helmstead has had enough of.
“I’m sick of it. The people in New York are always so happy. It’s disgusting. The ball is so shiny and beautiful. That’s not how life is. Life is ugly,” Helmstead told an Inner Loop reporter. “I’ve been saving all of my trash since August, and making a ball out of it. At midnight on New Year’s, I’m going to drop it off the roof of the Mount Read Boulevard Tops. All are welcome, and fights are strongly encouraged.”
Brighton, NY – Wednesday evening, a Zamboni burst into flames on an ice rink in Brighton after a youth hockey practice. The unusual occurrence has taken the nation by storm, and the Zamboni has become so popular that it is now polling at 6% in the 2020 presidential race.
If the Zamboni can keep this kind of momentum up until the election, it could drastically alter the outcome, and possibly even win. Many voters have been waiting for a candidate to emerge who has never been accused of sexual assault.
Rochester, NY – Last week, news broke that Mayor Lovely Warren had been indicted in felony campaign finance fraud. The city of Rochester was shook to its core, for the most part. However, those who do not know what the word “indicted” means were unsure what to think, or how to feel.
“I mean, I guess it could be a good thing,” Rochester resident Kurt Halford told an Inner Loop reporter. “But it could also be a bad thing. Lovely Warren seems like a bad seed, and if being indicted is a bad thing, that’s good for the city. And vice versa. So my feelings depend on whether or not being indicted is a good thing or bad thing. All I know is Lovely Warren sucks, go Bills!”