LIVONIA, NY — Just when we thought tiki torches and road flares could be family friendly again, a tragedy strikes an otherwise completely generic town.
Every year on the 4th of July, from Lakeville to Conesus there is an unbroken celebration of lights and pyrotechnics. Bonfires, burning rafts, and fireworks are all lit in a synchronized hellscape surrounding Conesus Lake.
In an ill-fated attempt to save money and return a favor to some unsavory types, cheaper and more dangerous materials were mixed into the looping light and lantern landscaped lakeside. Reliably lawyers lawned and labored listlessly and located low leads.
With no witness testimonies and several accounts of mob amnesia being reported, investigators have not been able to estimate time or place of origin for Satan, The Lord of Darkness. The crowned hoof stepped beast now resides in the changing rooms of the nearby countryside Wal-Mart. You know the one.
Paranormal agents have been working in coordination with New York state attorneys offices and trooper precincts. So it’s very unlikely that any work will be done.
Greece, NY. – In a combined effort to increase mobile sales and decrease quality of life in Western New York, the administration staff at Greece Ridge Mall has agreed to halt all mall property and retail rights to the upcoming cellular market distributor MetroPCS.
The mall stores will be closed and all employee staff will be released with inalienable rights. Any store personnel that was being held prisoner by mall security will have both their handcuffs freed and contracts for employment nullified. Some store management and keyholders haven’t left the plaza grounds since early 2014, 5 years after being sucked into the “College Alternative Career Style” or “I won’t shoplift where I work” lifestyles provided by the mall.
The agreement details concluded in a lucrative outcome for the mall employees including an Individual Freedoms Clause. Due to this agreement, all prisoners and staff that have been chained to the mall stores will be released.
ROCHESTER, NY – Let’s all agree. Those thunderstorms of green lightning that opened the hell-mouth tunnels beneath East Ave and Alexander made a lot of inconveniences for a lot of citizens. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the massive stock lost in Axe Body Spray buyers and monthly subscribers to Rugby Butts Monthly. The walking regenerations of decaying flesh-eaters that emerged from the fiery gates came out hungry and fierce.
Shortly after the first swarm of savage, tactical, and ravenous sapiovores came the intellectual ruling class of the zombie social structure. As it turns out, there was a methodically laid plan that the subterranean consciously deceased leadership of the zombies developed over 8 seasons of FortNite. That’s like 50 fortnights.
The soul-displaced commander cadavers appear to have had molecular dimensional connections with The Inner Loop staff and fellowship. The scientific community will later discover the only common connection between the zombies and The Inner Loop board members is that all involved are dim-witted pea brains. This forever marks a great collaboration and day of change for The Inner Loop blog team and the zombie elite class, which will still continue to spread out misinformation, misleading claims, and misery-inducing cynicism.
President Donald Trump has spoken to his cabinet members to brainstorm ideas for candidates to replace Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy. The first and foremost name that the president is pursuing is the very same Witch Doctor that created Jeff Sessions. It’s truly an honorable mention for the malevolent forest demon to receive.
We are all familiar with this humble story. Boy meets scary elf on the shelf doll in the center of a landfill in southern Alabama. Boy endows doll with decades of racist, oppressive bigotry and the type of antiquated prejudice that would make Jim Crow uneasy. Boy casts a spell for the doll to become sentient, doll goes on to become Attorney General of the Trump administration. Now, that little garbage boy is going to have his shot at the big leagues. With the announcement of Anthony Kennedy’s retirement, there’s no telling what devastation and regression Jeff Sessions can do in the court of human civil rights with the help of his very on Supreme Master sitting on the court bench.
President Trump is set to make the announcement in Missoula Montana at his next campaign rally. Among a sea of people that happen to empathize with the hardships that straight white men have been put through in recent years, and all believe that straight white men just deserve just a few more rights than everyone else has.
ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Red Wings have had some shaky ups and downs in their recent seasons. From becoming garbage plates to playing like literal garbage, there hasn’t been much room for improvement for these silly little scamps. Seasonal attendance has been at an all-time low, according to a study that we just made up.
But hope seems to be coming down the pipeline for the Rochester Plates. In a blatantly inorganic way to increase youth fan turnout, the stadium and the team have introduced the Seventh Inning Yoga stretch. For 23 minutes every game, the average run time of an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the team will guide the audience through yoga and meditation to improve the chakras of all participants.
The yoga area will overtake all corn hole and yard game areas of the stadium. To quote the Rochester Red Wings owner “I’d rather see some hot blondies stretching out their mid-rift then those loud, bloated frat kids tossing their bean bags back and forth.”
The team yoga stretch seems to be the first of many updating techniques the Red Wings are choosing to jump back into the zeitgeist of society. Some locker rooms have been talking about the transition to the use of cage-free baseball and tofu catchers mitts. For those updates and more, stay tuned to the Inner Loop. Where the news meets some crude dudes.
Rochester, NY – Well, it’s finally time. George Eastman himself announced in a press conference today that his company Kodak will begin a blockchain development team for KodakCoin. After the announcement, Kodak stock saw an impressive leap in market value. Prompting several Rochester locals to say words that haven’t been uttered in nearly a century. “Kodak doubled it’s value in one day”.
George Eastman left all of his board members in complete shock in the announcement. Not only were they looking at the completely dilapidated, fleshy corpse of George Eastman, that was selectively reanimated for the direct purpose of making the announcement. But the board members were also handed several notebooks titling buzzwords that would ignite the overwhelming rebranding of the company.
First, to gain notoriety and spread the influence of Rochester Pride, Kodak and Eastman will be teaming up with the Genesee Brew House to mint physical representations of the cryptocurrency. Even though minting physical coins completely disregards the purpose of an online blockchain, that still won’t stop the half reanimated corpse, half baboon hearted Eastman from dipping Genesee caps into printer toner to christen the software based currency notes.
There were so many questions that attendees had for Eastman. “How are you here?” For example and “My God, what monster has the devil summoned in front of me?”. Eastman quickly scuffled over these inquiries saying that his company had developed reanimation during their studies of the ‘Lazuras Effect’ in the early ninties. Rather than develop the concept for commercial use, however, Eastman noted that he does not believe the technology will catch on. “About as useful as digital cameras, or mobile phones” said the body.
Instead, Eastman noted the next big ventures for Kodak after they’ve perfected the analog cryptocurrency market. Starting with a straight to DVD Netflix special and a fidget spinner made of a pencil and cement.
Rochester, NY – As the Puerto Rican Festival is underway, attendants are very thrilled with the overwhelming police presence. Over the past several years, it would take hours, sometimes days, for the officers to question and search each attendee. One member of the proud PR community, Jonnie Reyes was happy that he was detained and searched only a short 2 hours after entering the festival.
“Typically we can’t start really having fun until the police are comfortable and have searched everyone.” Jonnie, a 35 year old Monroe High School Graduate and ten year Puertorican Festival goer. “Last year my family and I weren’t even questioned on the first day. So we had to make the return trip the next day to make sure Officer Broman knew we were “One of the good ones” as he would say to us. We love making sure white people feel safe around anything that they aren’t use too.”
Due to the increased police support at this years festival, searchings and residential inquiries were over by the 2pm on the second day of the festival. Rochester Police officers felt comfortable and welcomed by the community. Only 3 meetings were scheduled to remind officers that Puerto Ricans are US citizens.