Rochester, NY- Today, as with many other days in our fair city, we again find absent a clumsy statement on the political landscape in cartoon form. Instead of some gross generalization of our country by a cartoonist of a generation past, again we find a suicide note from yet another political cartoonist in the newspaper.
What started out as a shocking trend has now become a daily reality to most people. Day after day of this year, we’ve seen political cartoonist after political cartoonist paste a tear soaked apology, or a blood soaked tirade, right into The City Newspaper.
“Honestly, nobody gives a shit,” Says City Newspaper chief editor Ethan Bauchman, “Like the first few times we were like, ‘aw man thats pretty sad,’ but after a while we just kind of saw it as a plus.”
Due to this increased suicide rate, readership of newspapers have actually increased ten fold over the last 4 months. Trend analysts are speculating that this meteoric rise of newspaper readership is involved directly to people not having to see “shitty fucking idiot scribbles about Bernie or Trump in my goddamn paper, I want to fucking get to Heathcliff without a goddamn sermon.”
“We are trying to OPEN your EYES-” opens the most recent of many new suicide notes sent to the newspaper editorial staff, “Our humor is meant to incite something…to (bring about) a curiosity about the world we live in! we aren’t ‘reaching for low hanging fruit’ or ‘not being funny’…we are bringing politics and humor TOGETHER, but none of you are good enough to see th-”
After reading out loud the note to Inner Loop staff, the newspaper editor giggled, then crumpled up the note and threw it into a pile of others. Chucking to himself, “Honestly, this guy’s cartoons were actually pretty good. But they were also about Supply Side vs. Keynesian economic strategies in relation to poverty rates rising in urban areas since the Clinton administration. Nobody gives a fuck about that.”
Rochester, NY- In a turn of events that can only be called historic, racism has been deemed ended when an african-american police officer shot a white teen without provocation.
The late Terry Williams, age 15, was walking back to his suburban two story home when he was stopped by officer James Gomét, age 45. Before Terry could even put his hands in the air, the police officer emptied his pistol into the brave youth, then dropped a knife and a small amount of crack cocaine on the body, claiming “He charged me, he had a wild look in his eyes, there is crack cocaine on his body”.
Terry’s father, Evan, a tax representative with H&R block, was shocked at first;
“It was hard to hear that little Tere-Bear was gone, but now he will go down in history as the boy who ended racism, so its a bitter-sweet moment for us.” Stated Evan at his son’s wake.
Terry’s brave action has earned him a statue to be erected next to Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. in New York City.
“Where so many others had failed, a white, suburban, upper class, teenage male has risen to the occasion, and given us true change” Said Rochester justice Matthew Rosenbaum, tears in his eyes, “Thank god for that little white, rich, privileged boy.”
Hon. Rosenbaum declined to comment on the death sentencing of officer James Gomét without trial.
It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.
However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “Fuck” word as they ran through the streets.
“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”
Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.
With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.
Rochester, NY- Well boys and girls, there is some news and it is good! All signs are pointing to the fact that on Monroe Ave. we may be getting a Blockbuster Video Store! The franchise may have seen some rough days since Netflix and Hulu took over the online streaming market, but here’s 5 signs that we’re definitely getting the one stop shop for all video rentals!
- There is a building with “Blockbuster” on it: Listen, it may sound obvious, but step #1 to opening a Blockbuster Video is to get a building and name it Blockbuster Video. With it’s amazing selection of movies old and new, it’s not hard to see that the new location will service anyone who still has a VHS or DVD player.
- The Amount of Stabbings in the Area have Plateaued: You can’t stab who you can’t find, amirite? Due to the massive surge in excitement of this new Blockbuster Video, everyone is most likely digging their old VHS decks and spending time sitting their kids down and hitting them for abandoning DVD’s, then going around Monroe Ave. stabbing each other.
- I think there aren’t any crack heads in that building any more?: It may just be because the building appears to look like it was on fire since 2002, and the Blockbuster Video letters are greasily and permanently scarred into the side of the building, but the inside looks pretty clean!
- My ex-girlfriend banned me from her Netflix account she let me use when we were together: Listen, the road of romance is a guess-and-check kind of journey, and it doesn’t always work out; like when that scum bitch Melissa dumped me for being too “emotionally negligent” and “refusing to take my anti-psychotics”. Anyway, the massive selection of Blockbuster Video will keep me warm and cozy while that awful scum hole of a woman re-thinks the mistake she made with her new boyfriend, Brian.
- The Monroe Ave. Location makes so much sense!: When planning out your locations, it really helps to be at one of the biggest intersecting streets in the Rochester area! That and it’s only a few blocks away from the apartment that Melissa and I shared before she betrayed me and decided that our love wasn’t “mutually felt” and that I was “neglecting to care for her emotionally and expecting her to support me both emotionally and financially”. Such a central location means that you can make multiple stops during a day long shopping run, like going to the Blockbuster so that you can walk by your ex-and-should-be-current-girlfriends house and not seem suspicious.
Listen, we all have our Demons, but I’m sure that this new Blockbuster will really improve the hustle and bustle in the Monroe Ave. area! VHS is making a comeback, and I will use this comeback to prove to that slippery bitch Melissa that I am not a “Man-Child” who “clings to the past”, but a strong-strong man who can definitely and without question please her both emotionally and sexually.
Joseph Redell, 16, has decided to become Pittsford’s newest rap sensation, sources say.
Stating his major inspiration was his “rough and tough” upbringing on the “mean streets” of Nature View, Pittsford, Redell, who now goes by his rap moniker “Lil’ EZ Ca$h”, has reportedly started to get heavily into Rap and Hip Hop music, so much so that he is himself to be come a rapper.
“It’s just like, a real n***a thing, you know?” the painfully caucasian EZ Ca$h stated.
To fund his debut album, EZ’s father, Randal Redell, has given him $6000 and purchased weeks worth of studio time for his “gangsta” son.
“I am a vassal to his whim,” Says Randal, “The boy controls my thoughts and my actions. He is my master, and I his tool. Whatever the boy desires I am to bend earth and shatter sky to please him”
When asked about him being a white, upper middle class, suburban, and only having listened to Limp Bizkit, Redell screamed “F**k Haters!” and made his father buy him a gold chain to “Rep his gang” with.
For his next career move EZ is thinking of buying a “hot glock” and “Maybe some Wu Tang CD’s, Ive heard those playa’s is ill”
Henrietta, NY- What started last night as routine construction has quickly turned into something out of an alien invasion film, as more and more Wegmans shopping centers are popping up in strip malls and inside of other stores themselves.
“We were tearing down a main wall to do renovations” Said Harriet Clery, foreman on the construction team, “But when we finished our break there was another Wegmans right where the wall was, just jutting out from the original Wegmans”
Soon, Clery’s team found themselves trapped in a never-ending labyrinth of Wegmans shopping centers, each turn bringing them to another produce section, bakery, or craft beer isle. The incandescent letters of the welcome sign both their only light, and a visage that haunted their every move.
“Maybe we had never even entered the Wegmans” Harriet muses, both her crew and our reporting team trapped within the seemingly endless eons of isles, burning some decorative wreaths for warmth, “Maybe we were all here from the beginning. Maybe it’s the outside world that is a labyrinth, with its hustle and bustle, social niceties, and non-local shopping centers. We were born in the womb of Wegmans, and here we will die.”
Some of the construction crew has started to make effigies of John and Walter Wegman, staring dead eyed into the ever expanding super market. We know we will never escape. We don’t want to escape. Wegmans loves us, and we love it.
“Wegmans is Warmth, Wegmans is Light, Wegmans Supports, Wegmans Provides” We all chant in a low whisper. Our mother can hear us. Thats all who needs to hear us. We love you, Wegmans.