ROCHESTER, NY – A new division of PETA is causing a raucous just before the start of Rochester’s Food Truck Rodeo. The People For Fair Food Truck Treatment (PFFTT) have been protesting the harsh treatment that the food trucks endure and say that the monthly “rodeos” organized by the city are barbaric and cruel.

“We speak for the food trucks because they can’t speak for themselves. These majestic beasts are captured and paraded around exploited for their resources in these rodeos, and that just cannot stand”, states Elijah Green, organizer of the PFFTT protests. “Food Trucks are people too!”

A spokesperson for the Food Truck Rodeo events could not be reached for comment, but they did release a statement via Twitter stating: “They’re f***ing trucks.”

ROCHESTER, NY – A spokesperson at RIT has announced that the yearly Imagine RIT event has been canceled upon discovery of an actual Rochester Institute of Technology.

“I guess in this case there’s no need to use our imagination. Not only is there an RIT, turns out I work there!” The spokesperson said.

It has not been determined at this time whether or not the program was influential in the creation of the real world institute, but officials at the school say if it was “it would be sort of like in that book The Secret, or a vision board of some kind.”

It was also noted that it’s possible it was there the whole time and had simply gone unnoticed until now.

ROCHESTER, NY – “F*** it. Let’s just do it”, were the words of John Albanese as he signed the final documents to open the world’s first Bazookas and Beers bar in East Rochester, a bar and grilll restaurant that offers customers a chance to have a hearty meal and shoot rocket-propelled grenade launchers and bazookas.

“Who doesn’t want to have a brew and shoot projectiles? No other venue is offering a chance to test your skill with military grade artillery in a controlled environment in a competitive target shooting game. Also, our wing boss sauce recipe is the bomb!”

Albanese invented a game where patrons must use their skills to knock down a pyramid of glass milk bottles in as few shots as possible. Thus far in the restaurant tournament, there is a 16-way tie for first place. When asked if he feared people might be injured by the bazookas, He assured me that he takes all precautions to ensure a safe environment: absolutely no open toe shoes. He also added that there are plenty of more dangerous things in a bar than the bazookas. “I’ve never seen a bazooka roofie a drink.”

To this date, there have been no instances of bazookas or grenade launchers illicitly drugging anyone’s drink.

Rochester, NY – Area Friendly’s restaurants are closing down after becoming embroiled in a Medicare scandal involving their sometimes mascot and popular Sundae choice, Cone Head.

Formerly an administrator at a local hospital, Mr. Head has been accused of sweetening kickbacks for a pharmaceutical salesman.

When asked if he’d seen the error of his ways, the dessert replied, “I have peanut butter candies for eyes”.

ROCHESTER, NY – Local entrepreneur LaQuan Washington is putting the finishing touches on his new “target throwing bar” venue, “Don’t Shoot I’m Unarmed & Ales”.

“For some reason, I don’t feel too safe around a bunch of drunk folks with axes”, Washington stated, “And if ever there were a bar fight, I am not confident that the police would know that I have no part of it. I just can’t put my finger on why… So I built a bar that would alleviate that pressure.”

Laquan Washington’s bar boasts 15 brews on tap, a full food menu, and six targets. Patrons can throw a myriad of provided non-weapons at them, including iced tea, bags of Skittles, plungers, cell phones, a showerhead, bibles, hair brushes, loose cigarettes, pizza, wallets, camera tripods, a Wii controller, or even a toy truck. “If you STILL don’t feel safe, you can just point at the target and go, ‘Pew pew’! Even the dartboard is Nerf darts. Something for everyone. No one will mistake us for having a weapon!”

Sadly, just before posting this story, Laquan was shot and killed by an officer who mistook his bag of laundry for a Sherman tank.

ROCHESTER, NY – Let’s all agree. Those thunderstorms of green lightning that opened the hell-mouth tunnels beneath East Ave and Alexander made a lot of inconveniences for a lot of citizens. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the massive stock lost in Axe Body Spray buyers and monthly subscribers to Rugby Butts Monthly. The walking regenerations of decaying flesh-eaters that emerged from the fiery gates came out hungry and fierce.

Shortly after the first swarm of savage, tactical, and ravenous sapiovores came the intellectual ruling class of the zombie social structure. As it turns out, there was a methodically laid plan that the subterranean consciously deceased leadership of the zombies developed over 8 seasons of FortNite. That’s like 50 fortnights.

The soul-displaced commander cadavers appear to have had molecular dimensional connections with The Inner Loop staff and fellowship. The scientific community will later discover the only common connection between the zombies and The Inner Loop board members is that all involved are dim-witted pea brains. This forever marks a great collaboration and day of change for The Inner Loop blog team and the zombie elite class, which will still continue to spread out misinformation, misleading claims, and misery-inducing cynicism.

ROCHESTER, NY – As a dedicated reporter of blight of crime in Rochester, Local Puerto Rican residents are eagerly awaiting radio host Bob Lonsberry’s post-St. Patrick’s Day report on how many arrests were made after Parade Weekend, especially since St. Patrick’s Day weekend regularly yields more arrests in one day than the Puerto Rican Day Festival does over the span of three.

“I’m very excited. He is always concerned about crime at these festivals”, says pediatrician Enrique Colón. “One year, he went to the Puerto Rican Festival and followed us around, looking for crime. I was trying to enjoy my pasteles, and he came running up on me with his phone and a dumb grin on his face. He was like Jane Goodall with a selfie stick!” It is quite possible that Mr. Lonsberry thought that Puerto Rican festival attendees were gorillas, the go-to subjects of study for Dr. Jane Goodall, since he once thought that a black mayor was an orangutan.

Though the 20 arrests that year at the three-day PR Festival were still fewer per day than the 257 St. Patrick’s Day arrests in one night, Lonsberry has yet to make a long write up about the activities of St. Patrick’s Day weekends. “Maybe it is taking him longer the write about it because there are so many more arrests in one night! I’m sure he is taking his time to get the facts straight”, Colón posits.

Colón’s black colleague Stanley could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy laughing.

ROCHESTER, NY – Livid with the vandals of a statue dedicated to him, the ghost of Frederick Douglass went on a twitter rant, promising multiple hauntings if Justice is not served. “My DAUGHTER had better get a statue too!”, Mr. Douglass said beyond the grave. “That the site of her old school!” Mr. Douglass then acknowledged that he did pull her of the seminary, because they were as racist as the men who tore down his statue.

The men in question are john Boedicker, 20, and Charles Milks, 21. They were arrested the weekend December 15th for tearing down one of the 13 statues erected around Rochester this year honoring the late abolitionist and activist. In a statement, Milks said, “Me and my friend were just drunk. This was not racially motivated; we had no idea who the statue even was…”, among other claims. Unfortunately for them, Mr. Douglass’s spiritual essence is not having any of it.

“They did not realize who it was? This is Rochester, and they are from the area. You would have to have lived in Howe Caverns all your life to have no idea who I am.  Like whom else did the statue look? Did they think it was a dedication to Sam Jackson in Invincible? And you cannot claim that there was no racial intent when they were tearing it down when you are shouting the n-word repeatedly whilst doing the crime. Even I didn’t yell, ‘honky, honk, honky’, when I beat up that overseer, and that was VERY racially motivated.”

Mr. Douglass’s ghost then expounded on one of the worst parts of the crime and subsequent statement: “they both said ‘Me and my friend’, and they are in COLLEGE?! I had to TEACH myself how to read, and I know how to construct a sentence! That these ignoramuses can get into college an cannot put together a simple sentence is disturbing. Do they play that padded rugby game or…oh they do…? I see…Regardless, they are in for the haunting of their lives.”

When asked how he would haunt the students, Frederick Douglass’s ghost would not go into specifics, but he mentioned that he had recently made acquaintance with the ghost of Montezuma.

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Red Wings have had some shaky ups and downs in their recent seasons. From becoming garbage plates to playing like literal garbage, there hasn’t been much room for improvement for these silly little scamps. Seasonal attendance has been at an all-time low, according to a study that we just made up.

But hope seems to be coming down the pipeline for the Rochester Plates. In a blatantly inorganic way to increase youth fan turnout, the stadium and the team have introduced the Seventh Inning Yoga stretch. For 23 minutes every game, the average run time of an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, the team will guide the audience through yoga and meditation to improve the chakras of all participants.

The yoga area will overtake all corn hole and yard game areas of the stadium. To quote the Rochester Red Wings owner “I’d rather see some hot blondies stretching out their mid-rift then those loud, bloated frat kids tossing their bean bags back and forth.”

The team yoga stretch seems to be the first of many updating techniques the Red Wings are choosing to jump back into the zeitgeist of society. Some locker rooms have been talking about the transition to the use of cage-free baseball and tofu catchers mitts. For those updates and more, stay tuned to the Inner Loop. Where the news meets some crude dudes.