Rochester N.Y. – The long abandoned Medley Centre, may have not been as abandoned as we all thought. For years the Medley Centre has been a hot spot for junkies and the homeless to gather for soup kitchen style sex parties and the occasional fire in a barrel on the decrepit carousel. Now, the Rats residing within the former shopping center have had enough with the disgusting behavior of the homeless population taking up shelter there.
“We’ve been here since day one” says retired karate instructor and Medley Centre resident Master Splinter. “We tried to co-exist with the vagrants that came in here once the last stores closed but it’s gotten too out of hand.” Many ratsidents of the Medley Centre moved in because of the inexpensive housing and the great school systems. “When the mall closed, rats and the families moved here in droves,” says rat middle school teacher Nigel Ratburn (formerly of the hit television show Arthur), “there are children here and they are constantly exposed to the disgusting habits of the homeless community.”
Talks between leaders of each group have gone on but lets face it, we’re talking about a conversation between a rat and a person so many doubt they will get very far.
The Rat Community is fed up with the drug abuse and filthy sexual performances displayed by the infestation of homeless who have moved in to their space. A vote will take place and the issue will be brought in front of the Rat King (which of course we all know is a bundle of rats who have gotten their gross rat tails tangled together to make one mega huge super gross rat blob) on what to do about the homeless inhabitants . Ratsidents (yes I had to use it one more time) of the Medley Centre have considered handling the population a la the black plague, but most hope it doesn’t come to that.
The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer. Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy. So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.
1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next. It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.
2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken. Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix. You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.
3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life. We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system. Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”
4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.
5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts. The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.
Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.
“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member. “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”
With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands. After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.
“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So f*** it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”
“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”
The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base. With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”