All posts by Dario Joseph

Zweigle’s Pivots to Making Face Masks out of Spare Hot Dog Casings

Rochester, NY – It’s clear that the need for face masks is on the rise and more and more companies are answering the call. In a shocking move this past week, Rochester staple and Quality Meat manufacturer since 1880 announced that it too would be joining the ranks and making face coverings.

‘Yeah, I figured why not us too?, a representative for Zweigle’s told The Inner Loop Blog. ‘We got all these extra meat casings laying around, might as well put em’ to good use.’ Production has already started and will arrive in ‘red hot,’ ‘white hot’ and of course everyone’s favorite ‘kielbasa’

‘How’d I come up with the idea? I mean it’s a silly story… alright alright. Well there we were on the line, doing our thing, making hot dogs, however we do that, and all of a sudden, out of no where, a real nice flap of meat casing lands right on my face. Frank starts pointing at me all wild-like and bingo, ya got hot dog face masks.

The face masks will not only be protective but edible as well. ‘Ya know, just in case all this social distancing makes ya snacky.’

Check for the masks to hit your local grocery store in early May.

 

Bill the Rhino Leaves Seneca Park Zoo After Messy Break-Up With Moki the Elephant

Rochester, NY – Bill the rhino, a resident of Seneca Park Zoo since 2007 is now leaving for greener pastures. ‘A lot of people say it’s because Bill is getting older and they need to bring in some younger rhinos, but let me tell ya, that ain’t the truth of it,’ a zookeeper that preferred to remain anonymous told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘The real story is that Bill got caught horn deep in another female when he was in a committed relationship with Moki, the elephant. This kind of shit happens all the time over here, baboons boning sea lions, penguins beaking lemurs, it’s a regular safari orgy’

Bill will be moving to a zoo in Colombia, South Carolina. ‘I’ve heard good things about those rhinos down in SC, real horny… don’t ask me how I know.’

MEGA Lilac Jazz Fringe Puerto Rican Park Ave Pride Clothesline Apple Fest Planned for October

Rochester NY – With the uncertainty related to the spread of Covid-19 canceling summer events, the city plans to dedicate the month of October to festivals. ‘That’s right,’ one city spokesperson told the Inner Loop Blog, ‘no one goes to work, just to festivals. Whether you like it or not’

The city festival committee hopes that running all these events at once will bring the community together. ‘We’re really hoping this works’ the spokesperson continued, ‘its honestly the only idea we have. It’s that or I have hang out with my family more. Everyone knows I hate them.’

 

 

 

Rochester Residents Demand Re-Opening of Charlotte Beach Only to Have It Close Because It’s Gross

Rochester, NY – A large group of Rochester residents congregated at Charlotte Beach Park Sunday afternoon waving flags and carrying signs to protest the continued closure of the area’s beaches. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene and spoke with some of the angry locals.

Inner Loop Blog: What do you hope to accomplish through this demonstration?

Richard Schickler 66 of Irondequoit: It’s our God-given right to enjoy the sandy shores of Lake Ontario.

IB: Do you enjoy Charlotte Beach?

RS: Hell No! It really yucks me out. But it’s the dang principal of the matter. If I want to wade into algae infested waters, brimming with bacteria I don’t want to be told I can’t. You understand? When my granddaughter splashes about in that murky cesspool we call a lake and gets covered in green goop, you know what I call that? FREEDOM GOOP!

University With One of the State’s Highest STD Rates Angry Over Coronavirus Quarantine.

Brockport, NY – Five SUNY and CUNY students currently living in countries affected by the outbreak of COVID-19 are being recalled. The students upon their return could be housed in a number of quarantine locations including a dormitory at SUNY Brockport. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to ask students what they thought about this possibility.

  • ‘Yo but for real though I’m mad concerned’ Tyler Jacobs a third-year sophomore at Brockport reported. ‘It’s like I am going to have to wear a rubber now? Scary stuff, it just don’t feel the same. Yeah they call me the clapper because of how I be spreading my chlamydia son! Clap on, Clap off, da clapper holla at cha boy!’

The Inner Loop Blog was able to speak with a parent who voiced her concern over the possible quarantine location. ‘Yes my daughter Katie is on campus and is extremely vigilant about cleanliness and staying healthy. She is my baby and I would just die if anything would happen to her. Oh yes, I don’t see how that relevant but yes she’s dating Tyler Jacobs. Such a nice boy, a bit zealous and I just wish he’d stop itching himself in public. Unsanitary!

We will continue to follow the story to see what is decided.

 

 

 

Rochester’s Best Produce Comes from White Guys with Dreadlocks at Public Market, New Study Finds

Rochester, NY – Going to the public market can be a little intimidating. There are a lot of farms competing for your money and you want to make sure you’re getting the best deal.

Luckily a new study looked into who has the best fruits and vegetables at the farmer’s market and found that the White Guys with Dreadlocks have the best product for the price.

“There is something about a white guy engaging in cultural appropriation that makes their products much better,” said researcher Fred Tortuga. “We’ve experimented to see if this practice could be spread to other races but have had mixed results. The Mexican guy we gave a frisbee and bowl haircut did make some pretty decent tomatoes but that was about it.”

Researchers say that while the white guy’s zucchinis may be smaller than the other farms, they are still just as satisfying to eat, and they’ve also heard some shoppers don’t even like a huge zucchini.

The Puerto Rican Festival Turns 50 and Won’t Stop Cat-Calling Younger Festivals

Rochester, NY – This year, the Puerto Rican Festival celebrates its 50th birthday and it’s as horny as ever. The PR Fest took some time out of its busy schedule of swimming in pools with its shirt on and driving around white neighborhoods blasting reggaeton out of Mitsubishi Lancer decked out with a giant flag with a frog on it to let us in on some of its all-the favorite festival cat-calls.

Lilac Festival

-Hey beautiful, I know you tired from waiting all day in that kettle korn line.

Let me Li-Lick those feet mami.

(please don’t shame me for my fetish)

Glass Fest (Corning)

-Ay pretty, you call this Glass Fest, to me it seem more like Ass Fest!

(PR fest admits he wasn’t feeling inspired that day)

Rochester International Jazz Festival 

-Well damn look over here! You know what sex and jazz have in common?

I don’t get either!

(please I’m very lonely and insecure)

Sterling Renaissance Festival 

Ay yay yi, I’m bout to get medieval up in dat booty girl!

(

 

 

 

Confused Rochesterian Shows up to Protest I.C.E. and Also Snow

Rochester, NY – Nearly a hundred people gathered outside the US customs and border protection office this past Sunday to protest the impending ICE raids on undocumented workers. The Innerloop blog sat down with Jeremy Stevens of Irondequoit who didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Innerloop Blog: So Jeremy what are your feelings on the potential raids by ICE in Rochester?

Jeremy Stevens: I’m completely against them. Ice is so damn cold. And so is snow! It’s the middle of summer for crying out loud! There should be more people out here protesting. I mean, I could see if we were talking Ice Cream, ya know? That’s a delicious treat for the hot days and I wouldn’t mind someone kicking in my door separating me from my family or loved ones and handing me a nutty cone.

Innerloop Blog: wait…what?

Jeremy Stevens: exactly!

Rochester Prepares Itself for the Great Cereal Bar War of 2019

Rochester, NY – Morgan’s Cereal Bar is set to open in September at 320 East Ave, a shot across the bow of Pop Roc, Rochester’s original cereal bar located at 337 East Ave. And like that the die in the Great Cereal Bar War was cast, something Rochesterians will surely be telling their grandchildren and folk songs will be written about.

‘This is almost like opening a bar where you destroy stuff across the street from a bar where you chuck axes but way worse, ya know.” Steve McAdams of Fairport told the Interloop Blog.

Pop Roc, who celebrated its One Year Anniversary back in April not only offers various cereal creation options but also caffeine concoctions, comics, and memorabilia. Morgan’s cereal bar will not only offer cold cereal but also hot cereal. No doubt the cereal bar war will rage on for years leaving hundreds dead and the city in rubble. But there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk.

College Town Found to Have Never Graduated High School

Rochester, NY – College Town, the mixed-use development that opened in 2015 has been revealed to be a fraud.
 “Yeah, me and College Town went to grade school together. His name wasn’t College Town back then, obviously. His name was Geoff. By far the worst way to spell ‘Jeff’ Anyways, he wasn’t the best student, didn’t see him making too much of himself,” an anonymous source told The InnerLoop Blog,
Insomnia Cookies, a long time tenant of College town expressed its disbelief. “What?!? Not even high school? Eh, um quick question, is there a giant monster standing next to you? Oh haha.. of course there isn’t!  Just haven’t slept in 4 years is all…want a cookie?”