All posts by Dario Joseph

RPD Handcuff 10 Year Old at Party to Keep Them Safe From Birthday Candles

Rochester, NY – Rochester Police responded to a call in the city Wednesday evening and found a disturbing scene. ‘Open flames on top of a baked good is in clear violation of at least 3 city codes,’ an officer on the scene reported to the Inner Loop blog. ‘The child kept trying to get close to the fire and no one at the party would stop him, kept yelling something about making a wish, we had no choice but to cuff him.’

‘We had the situation completely under control,’ the boy’s mother told The Inner Loop. ‘The police used excessive force and can someone tell me why they were even there?’

The birthday incident follows a sudden rash of police in the city cracking down on pre-teens. ‘Listen, in the academy, they told us even if they’re too young to pose absolutely any threat, cuff em.’ an officer that preferred to remain unnamed told The Inner Loop. ‘It’s cuffing season out there. That’s an RPD inside joke hehe’

Porn Hub Threatens Lawsuit Over Lollipop Farm’s New ‘Kitten Cam’

Perinton, NY-  In an effort to help new kittens in the area find a ‘forever home’ Lollypop Farm this past week launched their new ‘kitten cam,’ a live feed of the human society’s cutest felines. ‘We’re so excited about the positive response this has gotten!,’ a representative for Lollypop told the Inner Loop Blog. Unfortunately, not everyone is as excited.

Porn Hub, the adult streaming behemoth issued a statement Tuesday condemning the use of ‘Kitten Cam’ pointing out that the company has been using that same name for one of its webcam services since 2013. ‘Kitten Cam, Kitty Cam, Here Kitty Kitty Cam, Kit-Kat Skat Cam’ and ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Cam’ are all trademarked and the use of is strictly prohibited without Porn Hub’s expressed permission.

‘We hope that this doesn’t get messy’ a representative for PH told the Inner Loop. ‘I mean,  don’t get us wrong, we like messy but not in the legal sense. You get it.’

 

 

 

Local Wives Refuse to Resume Sex Until Phase 4 of Reopening

Rochester, NY – As the region begins its re-opening, an emergency meeting of the Rochester Women’s Coalition convened to discuss whether or not to extend their ‘Pause Vagina’ plan.

‘I think we should just stay closed forever’ Tammy Markels of Victor told The Inner Loop blog as she left the meeting. ‘My husband has been doing fine without it, taking up hobbies, working in the yard…I did wake up to the bed shaking violently the other night but it stopped after a minute or two and I think he was just having a nightmare.

‘We’ve come to an agreement and have decided that phase 4 is most appropriate to re-introduce sex, coalition president Tracey Wilhams told The Inner Loop. This is the phase that includes arts, entertainment, recreation, and education and I think we can all agree that the vagina offers all of those things.’

‘We are willing to pull back our offer if the correct measures are not met, trust me we do not need your gross post quarantine bodies on top of us. If I’m being truly honest what we need is a vaccine for men. Me and my rabbit are doing just fine without Steve over there.

City Honors Bravery of Essential Workers by Flying Seagulls Over Monroe Ave

Rochester NY – Inspired by the Blue Angels flight across America, the city decided Wednesday that they too would honor the bravery of the region’s essential workers with a flight of their own.

‘Truly breathtaking’ one local called the seagulls’ flight from the McDonald’s to the 7-11 and back to the McDonald’s because someone had dropped their fries in the parking lot.

‘It’s just not something you see every day’ another city resident standing outside the laundromat told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘Yes it is stupid’ another resident yelled. We asked if they might expand on that. ‘like I said, we see that dumb shit every day. Damn seagulls, where the sea? huh? These seagulls just eat Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew Code Red, they crazy.

‘Not at all’ was the response we received when we asked an essential worker if they were inspired by the city’s efforts. ‘Halfway through the flight one of the birds shit on the guy driving a convertible. Now that was funny, inspiring no, hilarious yes.

Large Crate of Nacho Cheese Doritos Delivered to City Hall After THC Testing for City Employees Canceled

Rochester, NY – This week the city approved legislation removing THC as a chemical tested for pre-employment screenings. Not an hour after the approval, a large crate with the Doritos logo was delivered to City Hall. The Inner Loop blog was on the scene to investigate.

‘Uh uh we gotta get that shit inside. Momma knows she got the munchies’ one city employee who preferred to remain unnamed near the scene declared as we approached.

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with a perspective employee who was there that day for an interview. ‘What job am I here for today? Hmm. What job am I here…what job… ya know what is a job even man? It’s just a word, three letters… Umm. Mayor, I think.

The city will continue to test potential employees for other drugs such as heroin, cocaine, and methamphetamines. ‘Shiiiit, crack too? Well good thing I already work for the city” another person who requested to be anonymous told the Inner Loop. ‘Now. You got any napkins for my orange fingers?’ 

 

 

Kettle Corn Booth Unaware of Cancellation Sets up in Open Field

Rochester NY – What was supposed to be the opening weekend of the Lilac Festival come and gone, not everyone was alerted of this year’s cancellation. Charlie Hansen, 56 of Albion who runs a kettle corn stand traveling all over New York state set up in the park despite no one else being there. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Charlie.

Yeah, I know it’s canceled. But let me tell you this: about a week ago, as I’m getting into bed, next to my lovely wife Sharon Hansen of 26 years, I hear this voice whisper ‘If you pop it, they will come.’ I shot up in bed and was like what the hey, you hear that Sharon and she was like hear what? I told you you should go see that doctor. Anyways, I heard it a few more times and here I am.

During the interview a crowd of people emerged from out of no where and approached the booth, lining up. ‘Hey I gotta get to poppin’!’ Charlie quickly ended the interview and started stirring around the kernels with that big oar, the smell was infectious and I got into line myself.

Less Traffic Due to Stay at Home Measures Provides City Extra Time Not to Fix Any Potholes

Rochester, NY – With New York State’s stay-at-home measures extended until May 15, the city has seen a dramatic decline in vehicles on the road. This has provided a huge opportunity to fix another of the city’s plagues, POT-HOLES.

The Inner Loop Blog caught up with a city worker, ‘What have we been doing? Uh, Ya know, a little bit of dis, a little bit of dat. I move the cones over here, then they’re like No Larry, over there! so I move em over there.’

City residents agree that now would be a perfect time to take care of the issue. ‘The streets are clear, why aren’t those holes being filled in?,’ Angela Lambert, a Dewey Ave resident demanded. ‘We’ve got a hole so damn big, if yo momma fell in she’d still be scraping the sides.’ ‘Oh don’t get me started, that hole so big, it looks like yo momma’s downstairs after she gave birth to your big ass head. Do not get me started!’

The city and my momma declined to comment on the pothole issue.

Zweigle’s Pivots to Making Face Masks out of Spare Hot Dog Casings

Rochester, NY – It’s clear that the need for face masks is on the rise and more and more companies are answering the call. In a shocking move this past week, Rochester staple and Quality Meat manufacturer since 1880 announced that it too would be joining the ranks and making face coverings.

‘Yeah, I figured why not us too?, a representative for Zweigle’s told The Inner Loop Blog. ‘We got all these extra meat casings laying around, might as well put em’ to good use.’ Production has already started and will arrive in ‘red hot,’ ‘white hot’ and of course everyone’s favorite ‘kielbasa’

‘How’d I come up with the idea? I mean it’s a silly story… alright alright. Well there we were on the line, doing our thing, making hot dogs, however we do that, and all of a sudden, out of no where, a real nice flap of meat casing lands right on my face. Frank starts pointing at me all wild-like and bingo, ya got hot dog face masks.

The face masks will not only be protective but edible as well. ‘Ya know, just in case all this social distancing makes ya snacky.’

Check for the masks to hit your local grocery store in early May.

 

Bill the Rhino Leaves Seneca Park Zoo After Messy Break-Up With Moki the Elephant

Rochester, NY – Bill the rhino, a resident of Seneca Park Zoo since 2007 is now leaving for greener pastures. ‘A lot of people say it’s because Bill is getting older and they need to bring in some younger rhinos, but let me tell ya, that ain’t the truth of it,’ a zookeeper that preferred to remain anonymous told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘The real story is that Bill got caught horn deep in another female when he was in a committed relationship with Moki, the elephant. This kind of shit happens all the time over here, baboons boning sea lions, penguins beaking lemurs, it’s a regular safari orgy’

Bill will be moving to a zoo in Colombia, South Carolina. ‘I’ve heard good things about those rhinos down in SC, real horny… don’t ask me how I know.’

MEGA Lilac Jazz Fringe Puerto Rican Park Ave Pride Clothesline Apple Fest Planned for October

Rochester NY – With the uncertainty related to the spread of Covid-19 canceling summer events, the city plans to dedicate the month of October to festivals. ‘That’s right,’ one city spokesperson told the Inner Loop Blog, ‘no one goes to work, just to festivals. Whether you like it or not’

The city festival committee hopes that running all these events at once will bring the community together. ‘We’re really hoping this works’ the spokesperson continued, ‘its honestly the only idea we have. It’s that or I have hang out with my family more. Everyone knows I hate them.’