All posts by Dario Joseph

Family Posing for Photo at Wilbert’s Christmas Tree Farm Is Actually Extremely Unhappy

Webster, NY – “This year has just been really tough on all of us,” Samantha Collins told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘Timmy put your goddamn mask back on! But you know we’re trying to make the best of it. Bring a little normalcy…Lisa I swear if you don’t stop hitting your brother with the ax…Got to keep the traditions going…Leave the goats uh lone Timmy! But you know, like I said, we got to make the best of it, oh God I am so sad.’

Out of Work Greece Ridge Mall Santa Arrested for Hooking on Lyell Ave

Rochester, NY – ‘Santa got to pay them bills somehow,’ Steve Romine, a former Greece Ridge Mall Santa Claus told the Inner Loop Blog of his recent prostitution arrest.

‘This year has been especially tough for me and my community. I’m of course talking about mall Santas. Listen, I usually get paid a decent living to have kids sit on my lap, tell me what they want for Christmas, you know the routine. But this year, I’m making a decent living off of grown adults sitting on my lap and having me tell them how naughty they’ve been. And let me be straight with you, they’ve been very very naughty. Anyways, apparently, that’s illegal in the state of New York. Uh, thanks King Cuomo! Now I’ve shaved the beard and I bus tables at the Cheese Cake Factory. It’s not the same but I tell you what, getting paid in avocado egg rolls ain’t as bad as it sounds.’

Secret ‘Underground’ Turkey Trot 5k to Be Run in Abandoned Subway

-Rochester, NY

‘With everything being cancelled this year because of the pandemic, we had to take the Turkey Trot underground…I mean literally under the ground,’ Steve Matthews of Webster told the Inner Loop Blog. Steve has been organizing the event for 10 years, this year if it was going to happen he had to get a little creative.

‘Yeah so this year there is no Turkey Trot,’ Steve told the blog while winking. ‘But if there was one, it would start over by the entrance to the abandoned subway near Dinosaur BBQ.

I’m really excited to hear that it’s still happening,’ Leslie Hall of Penfield told the blog when she heard the news. ‘My sisters and I didn’t make these personalized ‘Hall Lives Matter’ t-shirts for nothing!’

‘I think the new venue will provide a rawness that the run has been missing over the last couple of years’ Steve went on to tell the blog. ‘Honestly, you may be running for your life down there.’

Governor Cuomo Announces That You Can Only Be Thankful for a Maximum 10 Things

Albany, NY – In his latest press conference New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo issued new guidelines on how many things you can be thankful for this holiday. The Inner Loop Blog obtained a transcript of the statement.

‘Listen, I know we’re all tired of new guidelines but when they’re followed they work (points to graphic ‘following rules works’) These new instructions have to do specifically with the holiday. When you list all the things you are thankful for, limit them to a max of 10. This has been passed down from my CDC team as an appropriate number of gratitudes. Okay, I’ll get more specific, if you have children or pets, each one counts as one ‘thankful for.’ You can’t just say children or my pets (points to graphic saying ‘count each one separately’ )

Listen, I understand that this year especially we have a lot to be grateful for but please keep everyone’s’ safety in mind and limit it to 10 or less.

Also, this is unrelated, but when news outlets post this article please disable the comment section and in every article related to me going forward.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Dining Room Table in Irondequoit Stuck Between Orange and Yellow Zones

Irondequoit, NY – The Williams family of Irondequoit knew that Thanksgiving this year would be different. What they didn’t count on, was how different it would be. As plans went ahead with the small holiday gathering, Lisa, the matriarch of the family realized while watching the six o’clock news that one half of their dining room table was in a yellow zone and the other half in an orange zone. The Inner Loop Blog visited the Williams family to see how they were dealing with the crisis.

‘I’ll tell ya, I nearly dropped my Fresca! My own table split between zones. I still can’t believe it. So now I got one side of the table set up with a treadmill, weight rack and salon chair and the other only 33% of people can worship Jesus Christ. I tell ya, Thanksgiving will never be the same again.’

Regardless of Bills’ Bye Week, Area Man Habitually Gets Drunk Around Noon and Yells at Television

Rochester, NY – As the NFL season enters Week 11, the Buffalo Bills have a bye week with no game scheduled. That hasn’t stopped John Dobbins of Fairport from continuing his tradition of downing a case of Coors (the banquet beer) and yelling at the television. The Inner Loop blog was able to speak with John’s wife Sharon.

‘Honestly, knowing that there was no game this week I thought we would have a nice Sunday together, just me and the kids. But no, John, in a manic state started murmuring around 10am about how the g-d Bills better not lose this week and how he’s still not over that bs catch at the end of last week’s game. I told him ‘ain’t no game this week John.’ He just looked at me and said ‘Quiet woman!’ Now, he’s just got QVC on and he’s shouting about how there’s no way those knifes can cut through that. I’m very worried about him.

Penfield Resident Recalls the Trauma of Seeing Panhandler on First Visit to the City

Rochester, NY – On an unsuspecting Thursday evening, Mark Smith, life-long Penfield resident made his first trip to the city and was willing to sit down with the Inner Loop Blog to recall the horror.

“My wife Margaret and I had just picked up take-out dinner from the Revelry when we stopped at a red light. It was yellow and I slowed down, I obey the rules of the road but now in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. As we’re sitting at the light a..a..I don’t know, a person approached our car with their hand out. I said ‘Margaret, don’t move a muscle. They’re like T-rex’s, if you don’t move they can’t see you’ He tapped on my window and said something about a container of food sitting on top of my car, that he wasn’t asking for money just didn’t want my meal to get ruined, ya know what I’m not sure what he said. I just know that when that light turned green I hit the gas. Sure, our meal was ruined but I had to get out of there! Not sure I’ll be returning to the city any time soon.

Chili Resident Can’t Wait to Tell You How Long They Waited in Line to Vote

Chili, NY – Monroe county has seen early voters out in droves, some encountering long lines and waits. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene at the Chili Senior Center this past weekend where many were casting their early votes.

Inner Loop Blog: So how…

Early Voter: 2 and half hours.. in the rain, no less! I was here right when they opened and the line wrapped around the building. I didn’t have no umbrella neither! I just stood here in the rain, wet, soaked through my clothes. I’m half way to hypothermia and I can’t stop shaking. And my knee hurts. I think I might die!

Inner Loop Blog: …are you?

The Little Theatre to Re-Open and Safely Seat 3 People

Rochester, NY – After months of being closed due to the pandemic, The Little Theatre plans to re-open their doors on April 16th. “We’ve already sold out for the next 2 months!” a Little Theatre official told the Inner Loop Blog excitedly. “I mean, it’s like 50 tickets but still…”

“Because of the size of our theaters, it’s difficult to seat groups of people while maintaining safe social distance. But it’s not all bad. Since there are only 3 people in every showing, if someone has to use the bathroom, we’ll pause the movie. No sense in continuing the film if a third of the audience is gone.”

City to Throw Huge Party to Celebrate Lowest COVID-19 Case Rate in Country

Rochester, NY – A New York Times study reported that Monroe County has the lowest Covid-19 rate in the country for communities with more than 500k people.

“I think it’s a cause for a party,” a county executive exclaimed after hearing the news.

Plans for the celebration have been put into work and The Inner Loop Blog has received a first draft of the details.

Where: Blue Cross Arena

Activities: Mosh Pit, Long Spit Contest, Finger-food buffet, Orgy and much more!

The event is free to the public and attendees over 65 receive a free ‘lowest covid rate in the country’ t-shirt (while supplies last)

  • Buffet Line