All posts by ChrisThompson

East Rochester Man Says He Is In the KKK, But Swears He’s Not Racist

EAST ROCHESTER – Glen Nicodemus wishes to assure everyone that despite the verbal altercation in a park with a black teen and his friends after they caught him taking pictures of them, despite the fact that he was caught on video shouting the n-word at that black teen while spraying him with a hose a la Bull Connor, despite threatening that teen by bragging about his membership in the KKK, he is most definitely NOT racist.

“’KKK’ stands for ‘Kool Kids Klub’!” explained the 59 year old. “What else would that stand for? This is Rochester, after all. I can’t be racist! This is the North!”

Nicodemus was arrested on Wednesday, August 20th after a video came out of him on August 14th spraying the black teen and threatening him. Even though he called him the n-word multiple times and announced his membership in the KKK, town police chief Steve Clancy stated that this incident did not rise to the level of a hate crime. Nicodemus was only charged with second-degree harassment and released on his own recognizance. When asked why it took nearly a week to arrest and charge him, and then be out on the street again with such a light charge, Nicodemus explained that nearly half of the police force and most of the judges and district attorneys are also in the “Kool Kids Klub” as well.

“Kool Kids Klub is just a neighborhood social organization that entertains children. Sometimes we dress up as ghosts at night while doing cool tricks with ropes and hang out. Kids love ghosts and ropes tricks! In fact, one time we welcomed a family into the neighborhood by giving them a welcome letter in 1957, and back in the 1920s we had a big party! We’re all about having fun!”

Nicodemus then took a big sip of Bud Light from his confederate flag mug, which matched his confederate flag slippers, pants, and wallpaper. When asked about all the confederate flags, he explained, “I’m just really into the Dukes of Hazzard. Does it have any other meaning?” He then spilled some beer on his “Bring Back Rhodesia” t-shirt.

Some, including the black teen’s mother is skeptical of his claims of non-racism. “There are only two types of people named ‘Nicodemus’”, she said, “Jamaican reggae singers, and full-fledged neo-nazis in the suburbs”.

Nicodemus could not explain this peculiarity, as he had to make a bunch of large wooden crosses. “Tonight, we’re gonna put on our ghost costumes and show some of our neighbors how fired up for Jesus we are!”

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“They Were Just Playing” Police Chief Declares No Arrests for Park Ave Fest Brawl

ROCHESTER – At a press conference addressing the 300+ house party that devolved into chaos at Park Avenue Arts Festival on Saturday, Rochester Police Chief La’Ron D. Singletary explained to reporters that the reason there were no arrests was because the patrons of the party were just playing a friendly game of DodgeBottle with the police.

“When officers arrived on the scene, party-goers were in a jovial mood, and they invited them to play a few outdoor games with them”, Singletary explained. “it’s a little rougher game than we expected. Some people didn’t have bottles, so they used trash cans. We blocked off the street with tape so that everyone knew where out-of-bounds was. It was all in good fun!”

There was no need for open container citations, he stated, as everyone was drinking out of red Solo cups, and everyone knows alcohol comes in bottles.

When asked about the three arrests stemming from a brawl in the middle of Park Avenue, Singletary stated that they would drop the charges, as it was, “just a tickle fight that got out of hand”. He then started to consume his boxed lunch of a turkey club sandwich, chips, and for dessert an Italian made black Bison leather Highlander boot.

He continued by excitedly announcing that preparations are underway for the upcoming Puerto Rican Festival. “SWAT gear has been upgraded, and the refurbished MRAP tactical vehicles are on their way.”

While some reporters were skeptical of Singletary’s explanations, they were quickly calmed when he stated, “I can assure you there’s no difference between how we treat people on Park Avenue and how we treat people on Clinton Avenue….Rochester Police Department does not treat people differently based on any kind of bias or any kind of race.”

He then abruptly had to end the conference, as there was a report of a suspicious black teenager heading to work on a bicycle without a bell who needed to be stopped.

Strong Museum of Play Inducts Hitachi Magic Wand into Toy Hall of Fame

ROCHESTER – In a ceremony held on a podium 2 inches above most 5-year olds, The Strong Museum of Play proudly inducted the Hitachi Magic Wand into its Toy Hall of Fame, for “over 50 years of vigorous work to help relieve parents’ stress from 24 hours of keeping their children simultaneously alive, happy, and ready for the world by 18.”

Introduced to the United States in 1968, The Japanese import boasts the slogan, “Powerful, Penetrating Vibrations”, and its millions of users over the years appreciate its promise and generous warranty. “We recognize that the Wand is a godsend after a long day of figuring out how a kid got so sticky so quickly after their bath and had a goddamn temper tantrum because they don’t understand that you can’t feed peanut butter to the cartoon pony on the television they’re watching”, says Hilda Dominix, executive director of Strong’s new Adult Toy Wing.

Parents applaud the induction, as well. Karen Penfielder stated that it is a great way to end the day, or the morning, or the afternoon, “Especially when George doesn’t come home until midnight because he’s ‘working late’. Besides, I’m closed for business. Two sets of twins and an ‘oops’? Not until George gets the vasectomy he keeps putting off!” George Penfielder couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was on the phone with his executive assistant.

Instead of the regular Hall of Fame Wall, Dr. Dominix explains that the Hitachi Magic Wand will be displayed in the Adult Toy Wing of the Museum, an unmarked corridor with a childproof lock on it. “We don’t mark it with a sign, because some of these kids can already read, and I am tired of explaining why they cannot play on the ‘special’ swing or ride on the toy unicorn with the ‘horn’ on its back instead of its head.”

The Wand and the Wing will still be open to children who are adept at snooping through their parents’ closets and errantly use the Wand for its intended purpose of back massaging to the horror of the adults who catch them.

Women Kickball Teammates Receives 50% Fewer Jello Shots than Male Kickballers

ROCHESTER – Chaos struck a local wings and beer joints when a study was released showing that the women’s kickball players get fewer drinks than their male counterparts. The study showed that the women were 75% more accurate with their aim, could speak in 100% coherent sentences, and produced 60% less vomit in the bushes of parks and kickball fields. Some were angry, others were disappointed, but not surprised.

“I couldn’t understand why we were winning so much, and why we cared so much about winning. We’re getting one shot for every two that North Gates BradChads get! We are nowhere near as inebriated as the men’s team”, stated Cobbs Hill CatCalls pitcher Breighleighlough (pronounced “Dawn”) Huffington. “We are all professionals, and we are getting paid nothing to play a children’s game with no stakes on a Wednesday night when we should be reading or something. We deserve to be as inebriated as the men to forget our crippling loan debts and other responsibilities!”

The captain of the BradChads could not be reached for comment, as he simultaneously streaking and publicly urinating in Cobbs Hill Park.

Red Wings Announce “Straight Pride Every Other Night”

ROCHESTER – Since you can’t seem to handle your ignorant-ass uncle Jim, the Rochester Red Wings have announced “Straight Pride Every Other Night”, after he complained about them announcing “Pride Night” in July to celebrate the area’s LGBTQIA community.

The Rochester Red Wings, Monroe County’s favorite minor league team, has affinity nights for all types of causes and groups of people, including Kids Night, Deaf Culture Night, Women in Sports Night, Olympic/Paralympic Athletes night, Batman Night, and even a Sesame Street night, even though their Mac the Garbage Plate Mascot looks NOTHING like any other garbage-based fictional character. But your dumb fuck uncle Jim had to whine about there not being a “straight pride” night Frontier Field.

He claimed it was because he believes in “equality”, yet he cannot tell you or the Red Wings staff when in the history of the world old straight men were legally oppressed, erased, and ostracized by a treacherous queerocracy. He was never put into a gay conversion camp or forcibly sterilized to prevent him from acting on his “straight urges”. He was never kicked out of his house as a kid for bringing home a girlfriend. He was never chased and beaten within an inch of his life by a gang of transwomen. But since you won’t tell Uncle Jim to shut up or at least smash his AOL CD so he can’t get online, the Red Wings took matters into their own hands and indicated that “Straight Pride Every Other Night” will be in effect for the 69 other games they have this season.

You could have told him not to worry, since the organizers of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and Park Ave Fest promised that their Straight Pride weekends are still on the schedule. I hope your dumb ass uncle Jim is happy now. At least until he finds out about Black History Month.

DEA Agent Ruins Drug Sting After Pronouncing “Chili” Like a Normal Person

ROCHESTER – Three suspects and one agent are dead after a shootout at the scene of a botched meth sting, when undercover Drug Enforcement Agency Kaplan Jeffers made the mistake of pronouncing the town “Chili” the way the rest of the goddamn country does.

“It was a bloodbath. I heard him say it through the wire, and then we heard nothing but screaming and gunfire “, said Supervisor Jackson, Agent Jeffers’ supervisor. “We had been over this for months. Why? Why did he have to slip up and pronounce things like a normal person at the drop?”

Agent Jeffers fortunately survived the chaos, but with a few serious injuries. He expressed remorse over his mistake: “Three years of dismantling a local cartel, down the drain. I had practiced the local lingo every day since on the case, and I messed up at the most clutch time. I even properly pronounced Greece the way everyone here does: ‘Rotting Dumpster Fire’!”

An investigation will be launched regarding the botched sting. Said Agent Jackson: “This is not the first time he’s messed up something by pronouncing it like a sane human being. His backstory was that he’s from Pulaski, NY, which they pronounce ‘poo-LASS-sky’, but he pronounced it ‘Pulaski”, like the rest of the goddamn civilized world, including the fucking Revolutionary soldier after which the town was named, and all of cock-slapping POLAND. And he keeps mispronouncing my first name.”

Supervisor Jackson ensured that his first name is quite simple to pronounce: “DEE-kuh-Moonch”, which he appropriately spells, “Dickmunch”.

Pfftt (People for Fair Food Truck Treatment) Protest Rochester Food Truck Rodeo

ROCHESTER, NY – A new division of PETA is causing a raucous just before the start of Rochester’s Food Truck Rodeo. The People For Fair Food Truck Treatment (PFFTT) have been protesting the harsh treatment that the food trucks endure and say that the monthly “rodeos” organized by the city are barbaric and cruel.

“We speak for the food trucks because they can’t speak for themselves. These majestic beasts are captured and paraded around exploited for their resources in these rodeos, and that just cannot stand”, states Elijah Green, organizer of the PFFTT protests. “Food Trucks are people too!”

A spokesperson for the Food Truck Rodeo events could not be reached for comment, but they did release a statement via Twitter stating: “They’re fucking trucks.”