ROCHESTER – Three suspects and one agent are dead after a shootout at the scene of a botched meth sting, when undercover Drug Enforcement Agency Kaplan Jeffers made the mistake of pronouncing the town “Chili” the way the rest of the goddamn country does.
“It was a bloodbath. I heard him say it through the wire, and then we heard nothing but screaming and gunfire “, said Supervisor Jackson, Agent Jeffers’ supervisor. “We had been over this for months. Why? Why did he have to slip up and pronounce things like a normal person at the drop?”
Agent Jeffers fortunately survived the chaos, but with a few serious injuries. He expressed remorse over his mistake: “Three years of dismantling a local cartel, down the drain. I had practiced the local lingo every day since on the case, and I messed up at the most clutch time. I even properly pronounced Greece the way everyone here does: ‘Rotting Dumpster Fire’!”
An investigation will be launched regarding the botched sting. Said Agent Jackson: “This is not the first time he’s messed up something by pronouncing it like a sane human being. His backstory was that he’s from Pulaski, NY, which they pronounce ‘poo-LASS-sky’, but he pronounced it ‘Pulaski”, like the rest of the goddamn civilized world, including the fucking Revolutionary soldier after which the town was named, and all of cock-slapping POLAND. And he keeps mispronouncing my first name.”
Supervisor Jackson ensured that his first name is quite simple to pronounce: “DEE-kuh-Moonch”, which he appropriately spells, “Dickmunch”.
ROCHESTER, NY – A new division of PETA is causing a raucous just before the start of Rochester’s Food Truck Rodeo. The People For Fair Food Truck Treatment (PFFTT) have been protesting the harsh treatment that the food trucks endure and say that the monthly “rodeos” organized by the city are barbaric and cruel.
“We speak for the food trucks because they can’t speak for themselves. These majestic beasts are captured and paraded around exploited for their resources in these rodeos, and that just cannot stand”, states Elijah Green, organizer of the PFFTT protests. “Food Trucks are people too!”
A spokesperson for the Food Truck Rodeo events could not be reached for comment, but they did release a statement via Twitter stating: “They’re fucking trucks.”
ROCHESTER, NY – “Fuck it. Let’s just do it”, were the words of John Albanese as he signed the final documents to open the world’s first Bazookas and Beers bar in East Rochester, a bar and grilll restaurant that offers customers a chance to have a hearty meal and shoot rocket-propelled grenade launchers and bazookas.
“Who doesn’t want to have a brew and shoot projectiles? No other venue is offering a chance to test your skill with military grade artillery in a controlled environment in a competitive target shooting game. Also, our wing boss sauce recipe is the bomb!”
Albanese invented a game where patrons must use their skills to knock down a pyramid of glass milk bottles in as few shots as possible. Thus far in the restaurant tournament, there is a 16-way tie for first place. When asked if he feared people might be injured by the bazookas, He assured me that he takes all precautions to ensure a safe environment: absolutely no open toe shoes. He also added that there are plenty of more dangerous things in a bar than the bazookas. “I’ve never seen a bazooka roofie a drink.”
To this date, there have been no instances of bazookas or grenade launchers illicitly drugging anyone’s drink.
ROCHESTER, NY – Local entrepreneur LaQuan Washington is putting the finishing touches on his new “target throwing bar” venue, “Don’t Shoot I’m Unarmed & Ales”.
“For some reason, I don’t feel too safe around a bunch of drunk folks with axes”, Washington stated, “And if ever there were a bar fight, I am not confident that the police would know that I have no part of it. I just can’t put my finger on why… So I built a bar that would alleviate that pressure.”
Laquan Washington’s bar boasts 15 brews on tap, a full food menu, and six targets. Patrons can throw a myriad of provided non-weapons at them, including iced tea, bags of Skittles, plungers, cell phones, a showerhead, bibles, hair brushes, loose cigarettes, pizza, wallets, camera tripods, a Wii controller, or even a toy truck. “If you STILL don’t feel safe, you can just point at the target and go, ‘Pew pew’! Even the dartboard is Nerf darts. Something for everyone. No one will mistake us for having a weapon!”
Sadly, just before posting this story, Laquan was shot and killed by an officer who mistook his bag of laundry for a Sherman tank.
ROCHESTER, NY – As a dedicated reporter of blight of crime in Rochester, Local Puerto Rican residents are eagerly awaiting radio host Bob Lonsberry’s post-St. Patrick’s Day report on how many arrests were made after Parade Weekend, especially since St. Patrick’s Day weekend regularly yields more arrests in one day than the Puerto Rican Day Festival does over the span of three.
“I’m very excited. He is always concerned about crime at these festivals”, says pediatrician Enrique Colón. “One year, he went to the Puerto Rican Festival and followed us around, looking for crime. I was trying to enjoy my pasteles, and he came running up on me with his phone and a dumb grin on his face. He was like Jane Goodall with a selfie stick!” It is quite possible that Mr. Lonsberry thought that Puerto Rican festival attendees were gorillas, the go-to subjects of study for Dr. Jane Goodall, since he once thought that a black mayor was an orangutan.
Though the 20 arrests that year at the three-day PR Festival were still fewer per day than the 257 St. Patrick’s Day arrests in one night, Lonsberry has yet to make a long write up about the activities of St. Patrick’s Day weekends. “Maybe it is taking him longer the write about it because there are so many more arrests in one night! I’m sure he is taking his time to get the facts straight”, Colón posits.
Colón’s black colleague Stanley could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy laughing.
ROCHESTER, NY – Livid with the vandals of a statue dedicated to him, the ghost of Frederick Douglass went on a twitter rant, promising multiple hauntings if Justice is not served. “My DAUGHTER had better get a statue too!”, Mr. Douglass said beyond the grave. “That the site of her old school!” Mr. Douglass then acknowledged that he did pull her of the seminary, because they were as racist as the men who tore down his statue.
The men in question are john Boedicker, 20, and Charles Milks, 21. They were arrested the weekend December 15th for tearing down one of the 13 statues erected around Rochester this year honoring the late abolitionist and activist. In a statement, Milks said, “Me and my friend were just drunk. This was not racially motivated; we had no idea who the statue even was…”, among other claims. Unfortunately for them, Mr. Douglass’s spiritual essence is not having any of it.
“They did not realize who it was? This is Rochester, and they are from the area. You would have to have lived in Howe Caverns all your life to have no idea who I am. Like whom else did the statue look? Did they think it was a dedication to Sam Jackson in Invincible? And you cannot claim that there was no racial intent when they were tearing it down when you are shouting the n-word repeatedly whilst doing the crime. Even I didn’t yell, ‘honky, honk, honky’, when I beat up that overseer, and that was VERY racially motivated.”
Mr. Douglass’s ghost then expounded on one of the worst parts of the crime and subsequent statement: “they both said ‘Me and my friend’, and they are in COLLEGE?! I had to TEACH myself how to read, and I know how to construct a sentence! That these ignoramuses can get into college an cannot put together a simple sentence is disturbing. Do they play that padded rugby game or…oh they do…? I see…Regardless, they are in for the haunting of their lives.”
When asked how he would haunt the students, Frederick Douglass’s ghost would not go into specifics, but he mentioned that he had recently made acquaintance with the ghost of Montezuma.
ROCHESTER, NY – Radio Host Getting in shape with his new Exercise plan: Relay Racism
Summer time is fast approaching, and local radio host Bob Lonsberry has a new fitness plan to get your body in shape for the beach (as long as there still IS a beach): Relay Racism™.
“You always start out with stretches”, Bob explains, “so reach your arm in front of you, and take as many selfies with brown people as you can. You can use this as evidence that you like the coloreds”.
At this point, you are ready for warm-up activities. “Do 30 back bends and backhanded compliments. Go to the Puerto Rican Festival, observe the Puerto Ricans in their natural habitat Jane Goodall style, and then write about your experience as if you actually care about the people you used as ethnic props. Finish up with some calf raises.”
Now that you’ve laid a good foundation of stretching both the truth and your muscles, you are ready to get into your workout. Bob suggests doing a 4-5 mile run around the edges of neighborhoods, and taking pictures of as much urban squalor as possible along the way. Post those pictures on social media with captions about their current state compared to yesteryear so that bigoted followers can burn calories by ranting about how “those” people don’t deserve to live and should be drug tested before being allowed to breathe. “One time”, Bob boasted, I took a picture of the old location of an Islamic center and acted like i didn’t know it had closed down. It was a hate cornucopia!”
“Also write about as much criminal activity you you can”, Bob instructs. “Everything from grand larceny to minor disturbances, especially at colored festivals. It doesn’t even matter if the crime had anything to do with the events! You just need to insinuate to accentuate your calf muscles.” When it was pointed out that there is often less crime at ethnic festivals than what happens at any spring/summer festival, he suggested to do crunches to get that awareness of blatant hypocrisy out of one’s head. “It is very important that you ignore that St. Patrick’s Day Parade attracts more crime per day than Juneteenth and the PR festival combined, or you won’t get those chiseled abs for the beach.”
To cool down, do 50 squats, and post a few sad stories about how “sorry” you are for the people you just used as cannon fodder for your bigoted thoughts. “If you can write something about a poor little brown kid or something, that is even better. Pretending to care about other people’s misfortunes really tightens up your glutes.”
It is uncertain if Bob ever thought about just doing the exercise without all of the veiled racism, as on his way to a bathroom with a glossy picture of Judge Leticia Astacio in his hand.