All posts by ChrisThompson

Wegmans Customers Angry That Food Full of Artificial Flavors Is Flavored Artificially

ROCHESTER, NY – A Bronx man and a Pennsylvania man are suing Wegmans for selling a product that had no intention of being the real thing. Jimmy Arriola and Quincy Steele are incensed that the Wegmans brand vanilla ice cream does not have actual vanilla in it, ignoring that most “vanilla” ice cream hasn’t had actual extract from the beloved Mexican and Madagascar bean, ironically associated with whiteness.

“I felt like a fool. All I could taste is carrageenan and the guar gum. No vanilla”, says Arriola. “It’s bad enough people call me ‘Jimmy Nips’ because of my last name. Now they’ll shit on me for this! What will they call me now? Vanilly Nips?”

Nips was too distraught to continue the interview, but a Wegmans representative gave a suggestion in order to avoid mistakenly ingesting food that lacks ingredients a shopper desires: “Turn the fucking box around and look at the ingredients”, says Mark Burton, chief of sales and Danny Wegmans nasal powder service distributor. “It’s store brand ice cream, an artificially flavored tub of frozen sugar milk that you get to balance out the too-much sugar in one of our overpriced sheet cakes. If he wanted quality, he should have sprung for the Ben & Jerry’s”

On a related note, Quincy Steele is also suing Wegmans about their Moose Tracks ice cream, as it does not have actual moose droppings and hair in it.

Advertisements

Kimberly & Beck Release New Halloween Makeup That Is Just Shoe Polish

ROCHESTER, NY – Just in time for Halloween, shock jocks Kimberly and Beck have released a new line of costume makeup called “Offenti”, the perfect final touch that is really just black shoe polish with a goddamn sticker on it. Put on Offenti for any of your non-controversial costume needs.

“Whether you want to be 1960-1986 Michael Jackson or Colin Kaepernick, or perhaps you just want to be like the prime minister of Canada, Offenti is the product for you”, says Beck. “Our Halloween makeup line can be used all year round for costumes, and it also serves as a great way to shine your shoes.”

Offenti is produced by the Kiwi corporation, the most popular shoe polish manufacturer in America. Each canister is painstakingly treated with a marker to cross out the “Kiwi” logo, and then a sticker that says “Offenti” is carefully applied. Every Offenti product comes with a complimentary list of weak excuses for wearing it, from “How is this racist?”, to “I’m just trying to be accurate”, to “bUt WhItE cHiCkS”.

Beck continued. “Since we live in Rochester, I expect to sell out of Offenti in a few days, especially in Greece and Webster! This will be a bigger hit than when we hit the stores with our Bill Cosby roofie/sweater combos and Weinstein robes in past years!”

Beck also warned that they are not responsible for hospitalization from wearing makeup in front of the wrong people. At the time, Kimberly could not be reached for comment, as she was busy misgendering a disabled teenager.

East Rochester Man Says He Is In the KKK, But Swears He’s Not Racist

EAST ROCHESTER – Glen Nicodemus wishes to assure everyone that despite the verbal altercation in a park with a black teen and his friends after they caught him taking pictures of them, despite the fact that he was caught on video shouting the n-word at that black teen while spraying him with a hose a la Bull Connor, despite threatening that teen by bragging about his membership in the KKK, he is most definitely NOT racist.

“’KKK’ stands for ‘Kool Kids Klub’!” explained the 59 year old. “What else would that stand for? This is Rochester, after all. I can’t be racist! This is the North!”

Nicodemus was arrested on Wednesday, August 20th after a video came out of him on August 14th spraying the black teen and threatening him. Even though he called him the n-word multiple times and announced his membership in the KKK, town police chief Steve Clancy stated that this incident did not rise to the level of a hate crime. Nicodemus was only charged with second-degree harassment and released on his own recognizance. When asked why it took nearly a week to arrest and charge him, and then be out on the street again with such a light charge, Nicodemus explained that nearly half of the police force and most of the judges and district attorneys are also in the “Kool Kids Klub” as well.

“Kool Kids Klub is just a neighborhood social organization that entertains children. Sometimes we dress up as ghosts at night while doing cool tricks with ropes and hang out. Kids love ghosts and ropes tricks! In fact, one time we welcomed a family into the neighborhood by giving them a welcome letter in 1957, and back in the 1920s we had a big party! We’re all about having fun!”

Nicodemus then took a big sip of Bud Light from his confederate flag mug, which matched his confederate flag slippers, pants, and wallpaper. When asked about all the confederate flags, he explained, “I’m just really into the Dukes of Hazzard. Does it have any other meaning?” He then spilled some beer on his “Bring Back Rhodesia” t-shirt.

Some, including the black teen’s mother is skeptical of his claims of non-racism. “There are only two types of people named ‘Nicodemus’”, she said, “Jamaican reggae singers, and full-fledged neo-nazis in the suburbs”.

Nicodemus could not explain this peculiarity, as he had to make a bunch of large wooden crosses. “Tonight, we’re gonna put on our ghost costumes and show some of our neighbors how fired up for Jesus we are!”

“They Were Just Playing” Police Chief Declares No Arrests for Park Ave Fest Brawl

ROCHESTER – At a press conference addressing the 300+ house party that devolved into chaos at Park Avenue Arts Festival on Saturday, Rochester Police Chief La’Ron D. Singletary explained to reporters that the reason there were no arrests was because the patrons of the party were just playing a friendly game of DodgeBottle with the police.

“When officers arrived on the scene, party-goers were in a jovial mood, and they invited them to play a few outdoor games with them”, Singletary explained. “it’s a little rougher game than we expected. Some people didn’t have bottles, so they used trash cans. We blocked off the street with tape so that everyone knew where out-of-bounds was. It was all in good fun!”

There was no need for open container citations, he stated, as everyone was drinking out of red Solo cups, and everyone knows alcohol comes in bottles.

When asked about the three arrests stemming from a brawl in the middle of Park Avenue, Singletary stated that they would drop the charges, as it was, “just a tickle fight that got out of hand”. He then started to consume his boxed lunch of a turkey club sandwich, chips, and for dessert an Italian made black Bison leather Highlander boot.

He continued by excitedly announcing that preparations are underway for the upcoming Puerto Rican Festival. “SWAT gear has been upgraded, and the refurbished MRAP tactical vehicles are on their way.”

While some reporters were skeptical of Singletary’s explanations, they were quickly calmed when he stated, “I can assure you there’s no difference between how we treat people on Park Avenue and how we treat people on Clinton Avenue….Rochester Police Department does not treat people differently based on any kind of bias or any kind of race.”

He then abruptly had to end the conference, as there was a report of a suspicious black teenager heading to work on a bicycle without a bell who needed to be stopped.

Strong Museum of Play Inducts Hitachi Magic Wand into Toy Hall of Fame

ROCHESTER – In a ceremony held on a podium 2 inches above most 5-year olds, The Strong Museum of Play proudly inducted the Hitachi Magic Wand into its Toy Hall of Fame, for “over 50 years of vigorous work to help relieve parents’ stress from 24 hours of keeping their children simultaneously alive, happy, and ready for the world by 18.”

Introduced to the United States in 1968, The Japanese import boasts the slogan, “Powerful, Penetrating Vibrations”, and its millions of users over the years appreciate its promise and generous warranty. “We recognize that the Wand is a godsend after a long day of figuring out how a kid got so sticky so quickly after their bath and had a goddamn temper tantrum because they don’t understand that you can’t feed peanut butter to the cartoon pony on the television they’re watching”, says Hilda Dominix, executive director of Strong’s new Adult Toy Wing.

Parents applaud the induction, as well. Karen Penfielder stated that it is a great way to end the day, or the morning, or the afternoon, “Especially when George doesn’t come home until midnight because he’s ‘working late’. Besides, I’m closed for business. Two sets of twins and an ‘oops’? Not until George gets the vasectomy he keeps putting off!” George Penfielder couldn’t be reached for comment, as he was on the phone with his executive assistant.

Instead of the regular Hall of Fame Wall, Dr. Dominix explains that the Hitachi Magic Wand will be displayed in the Adult Toy Wing of the Museum, an unmarked corridor with a childproof lock on it. “We don’t mark it with a sign, because some of these kids can already read, and I am tired of explaining why they cannot play on the ‘special’ swing or ride on the toy unicorn with the ‘horn’ on its back instead of its head.”

The Wand and the Wing will still be open to children who are adept at snooping through their parents’ closets and errantly use the Wand for its intended purpose of back massaging to the horror of the adults who catch them.

Women Kickball Teammates Receives 50% Fewer Jello Shots than Male Kickballers

ROCHESTER – Chaos struck a local wings and beer joints when a study was released showing that the women’s kickball players get fewer drinks than their male counterparts. The study showed that the women were 75% more accurate with their aim, could speak in 100% coherent sentences, and produced 60% less vomit in the bushes of parks and kickball fields. Some were angry, others were disappointed, but not surprised.

“I couldn’t understand why we were winning so much, and why we cared so much about winning. We’re getting one shot for every two that North Gates BradChads get! We are nowhere near as inebriated as the men’s team”, stated Cobbs Hill CatCalls pitcher Breighleighlough (pronounced “Dawn”) Huffington. “We are all professionals, and we are getting paid nothing to play a children’s game with no stakes on a Wednesday night when we should be reading or something. We deserve to be as inebriated as the men to forget our crippling loan debts and other responsibilities!”

The captain of the BradChads could not be reached for comment, as he simultaneously streaking and publicly urinating in Cobbs Hill Park.

Red Wings Announce “Straight Pride Every Other Night”

ROCHESTER – Since you can’t seem to handle your ignorant-ass uncle Jim, the Rochester Red Wings have announced “Straight Pride Every Other Night”, after he complained about them announcing “Pride Night” in July to celebrate the area’s LGBTQIA community.

The Rochester Red Wings, Monroe County’s favorite minor league team, has affinity nights for all types of causes and groups of people, including Kids Night, Deaf Culture Night, Women in Sports Night, Olympic/Paralympic Athletes night, Batman Night, and even a Sesame Street night, even though their Mac the Garbage Plate Mascot looks NOTHING like any other garbage-based fictional character. But your dumb fuck uncle Jim had to whine about there not being a “straight pride” night Frontier Field.

He claimed it was because he believes in “equality”, yet he cannot tell you or the Red Wings staff when in the history of the world old straight men were legally oppressed, erased, and ostracized by a treacherous queerocracy. He was never put into a gay conversion camp or forcibly sterilized to prevent him from acting on his “straight urges”. He was never kicked out of his house as a kid for bringing home a girlfriend. He was never chased and beaten within an inch of his life by a gang of transwomen. But since you won’t tell Uncle Jim to shut up or at least smash his AOL CD so he can’t get online, the Red Wings took matters into their own hands and indicated that “Straight Pride Every Other Night” will be in effect for the 69 other games they have this season.

You could have told him not to worry, since the organizers of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and Park Ave Fest promised that their Straight Pride weekends are still on the schedule. I hope your dumb ass uncle Jim is happy now. At least until he finds out about Black History Month.