Rochester, NY – On Wednesday, May 15, producers for CBS hit “The Amazing Race” held auditions at Rochester’s Lilac Festival.
After sitting through the auditions, CBS casting agents have decided to rebrand the popular series as “The Pretty Good Race.”
“Based on the auditions we saw today, we thought “Pretty Good Race” would be more appropriate,” said a CBS official who prefers to remain anonymous.
The casting call stated that “Candidates should be strong-willed, outgoing, adventurous, in excellent physical and mental health, and adaptable to new lifestyles and personalities.”
The unnamed official said, “Based on the turnout, we’re looking more at a show that features tubby, stodgy hipsters with seasonal affective disorder.”
Rumor has it that the tasks in the updated show will include parallel parking, figuring out which location your friend means when he says “the Hots place,” and bicycling amidst pedestrians who are yelling at you.
“We think it will be a show that really speaks to this generation,” the CBS representative posited. “Or, I don’t know, is anyone else like this? God, is this what we’ve become?”
ROCHESTER, NY – In an attempt to appeal to an older demographic, Rochester vape chain The Cloud Factory has unveiled a new line of wine flavored e-liquid for Mother’s Day.
Assistant manager Jared Caruso had the following to say about the promotion:
“For Mother’s Day we sat down and really brainstormed, you know? We were like ‘what do moms like?’ And this is what we came up with. So if your mom likes to chief that hot cotton now she can do it her way.”
The line features a number of flavors, including Righteous Riesling, Bitchin Blush, Poppin Pinot, and others.
“Yeah no one really likes it who’s tested it,” Caruso admits. “But we don’t really like wine either so we think it’s probably right on the money.”
The Cloud Factory has also teased a beer flavored e-liquid line released before Father’s Day.
Rochester, NY – As the Strong Museum prepares to announce the inductees into the World Video Game Hall of Fame, an anonymous source reveals that a fan favorite will be among them.
Finally, Hoping the DVD Icon Will Hit the Corner of the Screen will take what many say is its rightful place among other acclaimed titles.
“That game is really stunning in its simplicity, but also in the compelling storyline of the protagonist. You really root for the little guy,” says RIT Game Design professor Les Newberry.
The game is also praised for its multiplayer appeal. I love Hoping the DVD Icon Will Hit the Corner of the Screen, because the whole family can play it together,” says local father John Donovan, “It’s the only game I know of that doesn’t have my boys fighting for turns.
The game is also notoriously difficult. Fans play it for hours, and despite many near wins, never reach the end. “I heard Mrs. Bryce-Kelly’s 3rd Period English class won back in 2004,” Olympia High School Alumni Naomi De La Cruz reported. “They’re so lucky.”
Though fans have hoped for an updated version, there doesn’t appear to be a Hoping the DVD Icon Will Hit the Corner of the Screen 2 coming out any time soon. In the meantime, fans can replay the original version and other favorites like Following the Loading Wheel with Your Cursor.
Fairport, NY – When local animal shelter Lollypop Farm conducted their annual demographic research, they made a surprising discovery.
Adoption Counselor Sheryl Parker revealed that over the last two years a shocking 40% of applications for the shelter’s available cats were submitted by your Aunt Dawn.
“We were all familiar with Dawn’s name from the applications. It came up a lot, and I mean a lot. But we didn’t realize that the breakdown was so Dawn-heavy. I guess it makes sense when you lay it all out.”
Administrative staff pored over the application intake to search for patterns in your aunt’s application behaviors.
“It was about 18 months ago when we adopted out the first cat to Dawn. It didn’t raise any red flags when she applied for a second cat. Even a third. I think in total we ended up adopting out four cats to Dawn.” Parker said. “I still think about them sometimes. I hope they’re doing okay.”
Lollypop Farm also noted that there was a significant uptick after Dawn’s divorce. “In the months after Dawn’s divorce, she applied for every cat that went up for adoption. We only knew she was going through a divorce because she mentioned it on most of the applications during that time period.”
When Dawn applied for one Persian cat, she wrote that she was “looking for a man that won’t leave me like my good for nothing husband Frank did.”
“I think the moment I started worrying about her well being was the time when she added ‘Please. I need this.’ in every field of the application,” Parker recalls. “Or the time she visited our Fairport location and told the receptionist that she had a terminal illness that could only be cured by ‘kitty kisses.’
“Once that happened we told Dawn that we would not be placing any more cats with her. Shortly after that we started receiving a number of applications from a ‘Senor Gato,’ who turned out to be Dawn in a false mustache and a sombrero. We confirmed this when she submitted a headshot instead of a recommendation from her veterinarian.”
Dawn could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous source revealed that all four Lollypop Farm cats would be featured in the Phantom of the Opera themed Christmas cards she will send to your family this year.
Rochester, NY – Conservationists in the area report that Lake Ontario water levels are higher than normal this year, causing concern for floods in the area.
To determine a cause, local freshwater biologists took a sample of lake water and discovered a surprising cause of the water level increase. They determined the water contained included a significant amount of your pee. They concluded the rising water levels were due to intake from the times you peed in the body of water, likely originating from the time you spend at Ontario Beach Park.
It’s possible you may have considered this a secret shame, and that no one would ever find out that you peed in the water, but thanks to DNA testing, now everyone knows your secret.
Scientists cannot determine whether this was a series of smaller incidents, or one extremely long, substantial pee, but they do know that it was you.
Maybe you assumed that urinating in Lake Ontario was common practice, but extensive testing on the composition of the lake water reveals that it was only you, you disgusting disgusting pee person.
Only time will tell if the rising levels will cause flooding, but what we do know now is that everyone knows about all the times you peed in Lake Ontario, and everyone hates you for it and thinks you’re gross.
Rochester, NY – Hundreds of Rochester barbecue fans are disappointed as the Sticky Lips owner has been implicated in the growing scandal surrounding wealthy parents bribing American universities to accept their children.
Federal agents discovered evidence that in 2005, the BBQ magnate paid a SUNY Binghamton admissions coordinator 20,000 racks of ribs in exchange for his son’s admission to the college.
In a press release, Special Agent Carla Stein-Gerber had the following to say:
“In the course of routine auditing, a contractual agreement was discovered written on a napkin. It appears to have been sealed in blood and detailed that SUNY Binghamton administrators would receive ‘a fuckton of ribs’ in exchange for acceptance at the university.
“Upon further investigation, we discovered that the fuckton in question was twenty thousand racks specifically. Ten thousand were to be sauced in the classic smoked Hickory flavor, eight thousand would be of the Carolina Clipper variety, and two thousand would be Rosie Rivet’s Sweet and Sour sauce.
“The SUNY Binghamton staff made a note on the document that they would not accept Betty’s Burning Lips Spicy Sauce, as it was too hot and burned their tummies.
“The ribs were allegedly delivered to the university by truck every month. We cannot comment on the state of the ribs at arrival, only that there is a sizable pile of bones buried under the athletic center.”
Agent Stein-Gerber did not comment on whether the Sticky Lips owner would be prosecuted for his crimes, but an anonymous source reports that a Sticky Lips truck was spotted outside the Albany Courthouse in late March.
At press time, the blood described by Stein-Gerber was found to be Cherry Bomb Sweet Sauce.