Rochester, NY – Senior Anus Elasticity Scientist Linus Magnusson has spent the better part of the last decade traveling the globe and paying strangers on Craigslist to let him test their BHS (booty hole strength), and according to his most recent report, Rochesterians have some of the world’s tightest buttholes.

“Due to all of the involuntary clenching these Western New Yorkers do when they run over a pothole with their car, their anus has gained tremendous strength.,” says Dr. Magnusson. “Metaphorically speaking, if the rest of the world is at ‘toy finger trap’ level tightens, Rochester buttholes are at