Canandaigua, NY – A few days ago, Roseland Waterpark announced it was closing for the season. This was devastating to many children in the area, and also 42-year-old Gates resident, Ted Sanford.

“It’s terrible. I go there multiple times every year,” a teary-eyed Sanford told an Inner Loop reporter. “It’s my only escape from crippling depression and alcoholism brought on by three divorces. But if these big shot waterpark owners think their bogus rules are going to stop me from taking a steamy piss in the lazy river, they’ve got another thing coming.”

At press time, Sanford is preparing for his trip to Roseland by urinating in his neighbor’s pool.