Study: 95% of Rochester’s Stimulus Money Has Gone to One Pennsylvania Fireworks Salesmen

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has received several complaints from local dogs and veterans about the unsanctioned fireworks displays going on downtown on a nearly nightly basis.

After some digging, we were able to track down the man responsible for supply the amateur pyrotechnics, and the story goes deeper than we could have ever imagined.

Phil Testeen is a Pennslyvania native who just so happens to have the roadside fireworks stand closest to the New York State Border. “I’m not going to lie to you fellas, I’ve had to shoot a lot of roman candles up competitors poo’ holes to maintain this spot,” said a very candid Testeen.  “Sometimes I will catch someone trying to sneak into my territory so I will wait until they’re sleeping and I will sneak into their house and light off a sparkler in their poo’ hole,” said Testeen confirming that he indeed has committed many firework-related butt crimes.

While his firework stand is rundown and tattered, do not be fooled. According to our sources, Testeen is actually one of the richest men on the planet. “I pay of those Forbes people to keep me off their list, I want my privacy to do my poo’ hole related business in peace.”

Recent estimates show that he’s seen a huge boost to his business thanks to the COVID-19 stimulus checks and he told us “whenever you see a firework above Rochester NY, there’s a 99% chance it came from my stand, and a 100% chance it’s been up my poo’ hole!”

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