ROCHESTER, NY – With the news of sports leagues across the world canceling and postponing seasons due to the COVID-19 outbreak, one local sports squad is planning a return to business as usual.

The Rochester Rhinos ownership announced plans to play their full season in front of empty bleacher seats at Durand Eastman middle school in Irondequoit. When asked if they were taking precautions to avoid the spread of the deadly virus forcing the world into isolation, owners Nancy and Bob Macanudos said “what? There’s a virus? Is that why our neighbors are wearing masks and telling us to stop recruiting immigrants for our defunct soccer team?”

“We just figured we bought this soccer team and we have this Peruvian family living in our basement begging us for outdoor time so why not just pay a school janitor to let us scrimmage on the playground? We’re out of our god damn minds due to syphilis.”