Darien, NY – Hundreds of Rochester citizens just received the shocking news about the COVID-19 pandemic. No, they have not been locked in some Jared Leto electronics-free meditation/masturbation chamber. They have been stuck in traffic at Darien Lake since their last concert before the lockdown ended.

The amusement park/amphitheater hosted the “Amp Energy Drink Music Festival Brought To You By Fritos” and thousands attended the full day concert featuring everyone from Soul Asylum to Semisonic and also Eagle Eye Cherry. (Correction: That was the full lineup.) But due to the way they let people out of the parking lot following large events, many have been forced to live off of tailgating supplies since early March.

“Well, this sucks,” said one Rochester man returning home to the news his job had laid him off and his wife had quarantined with their younger more virile neighbor.