ROCHESTER, NY – The Annual Keg Tree Lighting at Genesee Brewery has become a staple of the Rochester holiday season, however due to circumstances beyond the community’s understanding, CEO Kirk Butterdud abruptly announced there would be no event this year because “shut the f*** up, I’m tired and there’s no more beer. J-j-just like stack a bunch of cans in your backyard or something who f***in cares?” Butterdud then sprinted off and dove headfirst into high falls, where he had to be rescued by emergency services.

At last update he is in stable condition at Strong Hospital, and his BAC was .420. A high ranking official from Genesee confirmed that he had indeed consumed an entire keg of 12 Horse after a fight with his wife Rochelle.