South Bristol, NY – Local billionaire Tom Golisano filed a police report this morning alleging he woke up to find a scary message written in goose poop in his yard. While some people may think this would be the work of a deranged person, or a disgruntled Paychex employee, Mr. Golisano knows this is the work of the rapid goose gang that has taken over his home.
It has been well-publicized that Tom refused to pay a $90,000 school tax bill last year after the town did nothing to give him relief from this hoard of beaked Canadians. What hasn’t been noted is the mind games the Geese have been playing on the local philanthropist.
“At one point, everything you touched had poop somewhere on it. He’d go out to his car in the morning, boom, poop in the handle. He’d go to make coffee, boom, poop in the coffee pot. He’d go to kiss his wife, boom, it was a Goose dressed in drag” said Golisano’s groundskeeper Horus Stoollittle.
Mr. Golisano will get a few months of peace as the Geese are now leaving for warmer weather but he fears that after spending time in the south, the Geese will come back angrier, more racist, and will a terrifying bath salts addiction.